My life is in your hands
And you are playing
A dangerous game
On the throne of
My one and only heart
Not trying to be
Disrespectful at all
Just inquiring master
If I was born for
Any particular
Reason at ALL
The questions I question
Have?motives attached
To the mental frame of
A most earnest prayer
Because I really believe
In the powers of the name...

Although it is iladvised
To always say what comes off
The top of onez head
It is so very important
To be truthful to self
While being true to otherz
When speaking ones mind!

Tried to live up
To expectations
Of myself more than once
More than twice even more
Times than thrice never delusional
Stupidity"$ not synonymous with nice
My kindness has been taken as though
There's more weakness than just in my
Joints! Joining stronger ligaments
Seen, unseen, knowingly unknown
Tried to live down
To expectations of others
Unable to un hear thoughts unheard
Every single spoken and unspoken
Wordy unworthy word!

I gotta stay out my feelings
Red whines and hazy ceilings
Sipping that drip fom your lipz
My my my my my my my body
Been yearning for your shine
To brighten the darkest of knightz
Trying so hard to save them very
Same hoes, again captain
Save that ***** who never
Asked for your kind of savings...

I have learned
To be very warned
Cautious and careful
A bit awry even
When people say to me
"You're just like family"!!!
See inherently I'm royalty
The one true God, king of kingz
I resemble my kindred
Dont I look just like
My Daddy!!!

Can't think of anywhere
I'd rather be
You embarked on this journey
Called life with me
For better if WE make
It through the worst
Ever situations
All to show and prove
That the test of time
Means love existing far beyond
Any earthly grave...

How can
A good person who
Continue to make
Bad decisions
Still think
Of themselves
Or be considered
By anyone else
Who is mentally stable
To be good...

I am no gi jane
Once you're finished playing
I end up in a disheveled
Mentally emotional toy box
Or placed neatly on a trinket'z
Zhelf! I know who and who's I am
What's in my name
My lineage and my birthright'$
One in the same
I dare you to try to define me
Oh please go ahead, make my day
Just try to tell me about the I
That loves me for simply
Being my fearfully and Wonderfully created selves!!!

I won't see you slip
If you don't watch me falling
And say or do nothing
In my supernatural powers
To prevent it
Love me for me
IZ  my forever plea
Weather you in a box
Or rippin and runnin
Theze streets!
No perfection as perfectly
Created as she who've known
Not the zkarz of feeling jaded
In itz own image and likeness...

What im thinking
A penny couldn't possibly
Cover the cost of it
May be diabolical just a lil bit
Not really caring to give a ****
Even my give a fauq is broken
Yup second by second
Even minute by minute
I want to know
The cause and effect of it all
*** are we doing all this
Hustling for, if we still
Don't seem to have ****

I juzt need y'all to ovastand
Da Goddezz got
Thiz
Whole Wide world
In the reach of
Both palming handz
*** on gingy run for uz
Marathonz race endearmentz
Well donez
Heaven or dearly departedz
H. E. Doublez, Ahhhh Hell!!!

What does God want
For and from me
Why can't I seem
To live a sold out life
Completely and whole heartedly
What causes me to stray
What does separate our love
Sometimes day after day
When will I overstand and accept
That you heavenly father
Is the light, truth and the way
Trying hard not to straddle fences
To not live like lukewarm spewage
To not hear, depart from me
I do not even know of you
But we'll done, that glorious day
My faithful servant
The lamb's book of life
Is right this way...

You are angry at me for being me
For trying to protect my love that was
Being used abhorrently against me
You could've loved me
And let me love you unconditionally
As I stll and will forever do
You've used my love to fight for you
Because you've always known
It's expansive magnitude
I've always prayed for you
To first get to know you
You are so much grander than
Some of your thoughts of you
The hate you are trying so hard to give
Is dull in comparison to the love of God
I was blessed and charged to instill
That shines in and through you...

Awakened
To an awry feeling
Something
Being not quite right
Not knowing what
Could be wrong really
In the dream
Before I woke
I was engaged
In delightful banter
With edifying  folk
Still not sure
Why fear's stolen
This morning
The peace in
How I awoke...

Looking in the mirror
For quite some time now
Beauty is no longer seen
Through the pains of life's regertz
That have gotten so overwhelming
All that's visible is the toll taken
On a fragile heart by way of
Much inflicted emotional pains...

Don't want to hear
Another word about love
Your actions Don't coincide
Trust was breached
When you decided
I wasn't good enough
For the truth
So you gazed
Through the windows
While telling my soul lies
Lies I protected
To cover you shaming
Our family's pride
Far longer than forever
And after who's grave?
Mercy and grace kept me
When you left me for dead
That day...

She was called a Legend!
Today she is 4ft 6in and only 11
Genuine affection and patience
The manner in which she cares
Has been noticed so many times
So many people say and have said
Kind words about all of my Gems!
But! Today I had to bow
All the way down. He pointed to
Her on the way out, and said.
L!E!G!E!N!D!!! You just don't see
That anymore, and ALL I could do
To hold back the tears from
The thought of when I was advised
I still had time to have an abortion
Was smile at the fakt that for me
Loving life is ever the only option!!!
Today I fell in love all over again
A statement made to my godmother
A drugged up emotional ball of yuck
After giving birth, a beautiful brisk
Novemba fall day. Way back when...

Strolling mental valley's
Of decision
Burying deep inside myself
These subconscious shadows
Catalytic conversions
Of growers growths haven
No stagnator'$ hell!

I do self hating
Things I often regret
Like sharing my inner most secrets
Hoping you do as you say
When I tell you things
You claim to quickly forget
Until a Freudian slip
And ALL my business
Flows out of your lips
How can WE build
What you inconsiderably
Constantly break?
How much betrayal
Is one heart created to take
I've been told, I hold onto the past
Well what did WE learn then
To make things now last?
How do I trust you
When I barely trust myselves
So afraid of looking back
And terrified by what's next?
Praying for tranquility
In this peaceful hell

No battle fought, had I needed
To lift a finger for it to be won
Keep my hands very clean
Raised in surrender
To the reigning champion
The foot of grace's throne
Is my just reward my well done
For serving whole heartedly
The true and living God!!!

Do you really see me?
Twelve yrs a bond let me know
Im half of who they saw in me. And somehow you manage to see Through from miles away, how blue is Ella saying good morning to the heartache that came from the Duke... One of these days I will see mee the way others claim to see.

I find myself
On the perpetual
Potter's wheel
Make me over again
Is my soul's song's plea
Longing to be whole
Every aspect of me
Walking a circumspect life
Is by far no easy fete
So for God I live
Cause Christ layed down his life
Without even knowing me!!!

So we drowned ourselves
Induced copulationz
Grown drunkyn highness  
******* to our senses
At klimaxed peakz
Trying to figure out what the foch We been doing all this time
You don't even like my body
I don't even love your mind.
Awakening epiphanies
Saved a lifetimez
Repeating lust'$
Hate cycles of unrelated
Uncontrollable unrequited luvz.

Maybe around that last
Mental bend
I really did break
And have been shattered
Ever since
Maybe this time around
It wasn't really
A bend after all!!!

P.S. ****!!!

I want to choose myself
I've needs, wants and desires
I too want my life to count
I want to know how to simply
Not be hated, or feel bad
About putting myself first
Place in my own existence
To be partly about me at times
I want better and I don't think
I should ever end my quest
In the pursuit of my own
Inner and outer peaceful joy
Of my latter day's happenings
Simply to lay down my life
For other's who may or may
Not be worth me hurting for
Since told by brother Bob
That everybody I meet or know
In my lifetime will, not if hurt me
Man listen even in my self hating
I myself have hurt me and even
Though I have paid handsomely
For kicking my own ***, Jim
I still can love me better
Than only I know how now
And far better than I have Mary!!!

Failure is not
The only option
One can choose
Succeeding is an option too...

The bottom of this world's
Barrel is far more crowded
Than could ever be imagined
Naysayers, back biters and
A whole lot of needy crab *******
No mothers no fathers to teach
Or show them better, has made
Most ***** in this barrel's peripheral
Shorter! Finding a way out gets one
Pulled down faster and harder.
So I've decided to tunnel through
From the bottom of this bottomless
Barrel that has tried to keep us under!

Hurtful soul
Broken spirit
Every single cracking crevice
Please let the lights of moon and sun
Back in, meltimg winters of
Cold bitter loneliness
Finding yourself ever
Is just a matter of where to look
Dear Lord, here's my existence
I'm begging please, guide me!!!

Age was and iz only one number
Away from the pages of the letterz
Written but not mailed out in time
To resolve rumors
Of your girl possibly knowing
That at your very worst or bezt,this
More than a woman hot like fire
Was rocking the boat of not just anybody, decided to let dogs roam
Back to queen of the same
****** mofoz who claimed they
Couldn't breath without you
The only reason my Romeo
Couldn't just get hurt
He had to simply die.

More than
The object of afflicted affectionz
Craving  levelz
Of intimate normalcy
Comfortable pieces sought after
To complete this puzzled peace
Ever so grateful
There's some form
Of opaque transparency

I  cannot keep lying to myself
I have been behaving like a fool
For far too long of a time now
None of this stress serves a purpose
To my health or my life
And since the enemy of my soul
Seeks to have me **** myself
To an eternal hell of many regrets
I have to do better than continue
To allow myself to be a volunteer
Of a bitter existince.
While hating anyone
There is no energy left to
Love myself, because negativity
Is so very draining.  I choose to
Let go of hating you,  while I start
Allowing myself to love who God
Knows I'm created to be...

Caught a fish two days ago
Fishing is very rewarding
I have decided
If I  am to be a looser at life
As some of my hateful
Supporters suggest
And suggested
I will be a happy looser
Since my choices are mine to make
Is being caught in a 22
For my sake
I just pray
The right decision is made
Because accepting responsibility
Means placing blame on no one!!!

Surely goodness and mercy
Shall follow me All the days
Of my life because you Lord
Have set a table before me
In the midst, in the presence
Of those who love, loath, and
Loves to hate me and my family!!!

We are too far gone
Spirit's broken
Soul'z too worn
Years in the making
Finally took form
Only to despise
Monstarz
Home grown
Births of a suicidal womb
Dying to live literally
Before WE are born!

Don't want to be
Hurtfully hateful and angry
For the rest of my life
It's not the will of God
That anyone least of all me
Live in constant tumultuous strife
To hold on to painful experiences
I have allowed all my days
To not get free through
Prayerful praise
Don't want emotions
To control my day to day
Want to live in the promise
That forgiveness is as real as sin
And my life has purpose
I'm not just living in vain.

I want to hurt you back
Worse than you hurt me
I want to hate you back
For the hate you have shown me
I want to see you dead even at times
As you've wished me dead many times
Fact is the only reason I can want
To hate you, is because at some point
Undeserving of my most sacred love
Effortlessly willingly without prejudice
I onpenly only gave you!
Because we both are valid
My perceptions of what really happened between you and I Matterss too...

It's so very saddening
I can't be honest with you
You breached the trust
That you told me was truth
When the strange imposter
Impersonated you...

Its a yearning
This loving lust
To once again
Taste the bitterness
Of your zoul
Taking
A morsel of your spirit
You know I can only
Enjoy you in doses
Binging would be sure death
A heavenly haven
My exhausted war struck
Heart
Will welcome one sweet day
What you call love is so toxic
I know I am not to blame, but
It is I who have yet to learn
Just how easy it is to
Simply let go and let God...

Embarking on each day
With peaceful serenity
Grateful for what was
What is, and is to be
Thankful for the gift
Of this presently presented
Day's presences in these
Particular ways
Praying graceful mercies
Abound the rest of life's days...

Every now and then
I do an evaluation
By way of the people
I think should or could
Know a bit of and about me
Well enough to be able to weigh in
Maybe that is not the best way
To evaluate oneself
I guess seeing myself through
Others eyes is not always
The true reflection of who
I know myself to be
The many petals to this orchiroze
That very few ever get to see
Beautiful smiles seem to hide
The pain, that no one
Really cares to know exist in me

Desiring betterment
Negates bitterness
Why can't I want more for myself
Why must I just accept failures
If to whom much is given
Much is expected of
Living life  to its fullest extent
Is ALL I have to be concern with
Created to be exactly who I AM
Pressing toward the mark
Of a race well ran
Peaceful Blezzingz
Of good and faithfully faithful  Well Done!!!

Double doses
Quenching my every thirsts
Only daily bread
Earnestly prayed for
Or could ever longingly need
Food for my burning zoul
Feed me til I
Needingly no quiero mas
Surfacely speaking to my core
Knowing only
One thing's
Certainly sure
One mindedness
In We hearts iz why WE love
Is so Unbreakably strong...

Trying to come to terms
With being loved
Treated justly justifiably right
Respectively respected
Comfortable communications
For the rest of my daze
Even if only in this lifetimes life
Taking time to honestly
learn to appreciate each other
Some real realizing ****
I'm not entitled to the GOD in YOU
Truly measured wealth
Earnest knowledge only WE2
Knowing the me I hide
From shining through
Fearful of letting me get so into U
Fearful of anymore hurt
Least of all
Birth from perceived truthz
Repressing **** isn't
Something I like
It's juzt something
I was taught to do.
Trying so hard to change
Until I recognize Myselves in ME!!!

Storytelling to be accepted  
Well known, loved or even liked
Knew of the dearly departed well
Kept talking their wayz
Straight into the spit fyahz of hell
No earthly  water could quench
No human can tame abundances
Of their own demise
Living and dying by what lyez
Insides the windows and doors
To their own zoul'z trapping
By way of dropping mics
Katana sharpened doubled edges
Rearranging story lines
Piercing through the
Balderdash of wordy words
Divulging devilishly
Black or White, big or small
Embellishments or omitance
If it ain't the whole
And nothing but
Beloved WE far too old
To not know deceit lies in lies
Wagging  tounges
Taking our own Livez.
Speak to be listened to, Stop talking to be herd!!!

In black and white
I leave the best and
Worst parts of me
Pieces that hide
In plain sight of
My oxymoronic peace
Raw emotional dis eases
Buried amongst illuminations
Of light's invisibilities
While somewhere along the way
The best and worsts of me
Is being left in black and white
For chosen and unchosen
Selected and unselected to critic...

Every step I take
Away from you
Got me groaning
In the spirit
JE shade of blue
Forgiveness from
Heaven's throne of grace
Is why I could never
Throw my life away
Living in and only
God for the glory of you

Never encountered anyone
Who wants to end up
Lonely or all alone
But what's the cost of
Selling one's zoul
For the world's price
Of living in hates houseless homes?
Segregated complications of loneliness
Occupying mental time and space
When I was yours
And you were mine to own...

Tearful years
I put myself through
Slipping, tripping
Falling for all
Not standing tall over you
Dominion and Power
Inherent heirlooms
Meager mynded shattered
No reflected thoughts
This dye mound winz
Color you bad
My ***** you lose...