I want to be
Everything created to be
Knowing I am nothing
Without you God
These tears are not in vain
This heart of love is still
Covering my many many
Multitudes of sinful pain
And when all is said and done
Your peace over my every
Situation will reign...

The person one is
When no one seems
To be watching
Is truly who they really are

Love should not
Be measured by
What someone can
Or can't monetarily
Do for someone else
But it is unwise to
Choose to love someone
Who is rarely on the giving end
But always seem to want to get
And far more than some
Appears that they are receiving
Every human being needs
To know their worth...

Saved by faith
This sinner found
A hiding place
At the foot of the
Throne of mercy's grace
Bowing only in the
Presence of holiness
Trusting that one day
I can see God face to face...

The space of time
To focus on is now
Since the past already was
And the future is yet to occur
Livinig this presence is a gift
Worth being thankful for
Lord I'm humbled
To be able again
To celebrate this present life
I awoke to today
To try and get things
Right once more...

What im thinking
A penny couldn't possibly
Cover the cost of it
May be diabolical just a lil bit
Not really caring to give a ****
Even my give a fauq is broken
Yup second by second
Even minute by minute
I want to know
The cause and effect of it all
*** are we doing all this
Hustling for, if we still
Don't seem to have ****

Just to get out
Holding my breath from
This detrimental fresh air
Inhaling toxicities at
Anaphylactic proportions
When your suicidal thoughts
Are delusions of setting you free
Don't believe the hype through
Golden plated fronts
Weather we live or die
Somewhere every 24hrs
The sun has the ability
To rise and shine or not
And your skies can still be
Any shade of greyish blue you so choose

I gotta stay out my feelings
Red whines and hazy ceilings
Sipping that drip fom your lipz
My my my my my my my body
Been yearning for your shine
To brighten the darkest of knightz
Trying so hard to save them very
Same hoes, again captain
Save that ***** who never
Asked for your kind of savings...

Looking in the mirror
For quite some time now
Beauty is no longer seen
Through the pains of life's regertz
That have gotten so overwhelming
All that's visible is the toll taken
On a fragile heart by way of
Much inflicted emotional pains...

Of course I am different
I'm supposed to be
Imagine how chaotic
Existing would be
If everywhere I looked
I saw your exact face
And everyone you see
Looks exactly like me?

Tiny your hands
Fit so safely in my palms
Committing no crime
I'm gratefully enamored
You were the bandits
Responsible for stealing
This heart and love of mine

Mom do you love me?
Of course I do, you are alive right?
Why did you even have me?
Are you serious luvbuggy?
Ok! Let me put your little heart
And very smart mind at ease
You my love saved my life
Just like your big sister
You came along at a time
I could've been dead.
When I forgot how to
You and your sister
Showed me how to love
To smile, cry and feel again
So how could I not love
The angels God sent to save me...

Loving you
Is far more work
Than loving myself
Fact is. I'm learning...

My plate is overflowing
And I am already so full
Heavenly father please
Please please help me
To be strong enough
To bear the cups
Of crosses you can
But won't take from me
What ever the lesson is
In thy will is where
I'm supposed to be...

I love myself
And it is written
God loves me!!!

See me for who I am
Don't just hear me for My Roar
My bite is far more vicious
I am the one and only
Many versions of me the
Only I and me that is myself above the zhe that is and no one else
See behind the eyes that see  
The pupil that is me
I'm living and learning
The only final stance
Is giving up the ghost within me
   Christ-like no crosses but my own
To bear!
Well done my good And
Faithful servant. As it is written
Is what I intend to hear...

In your eyes
I am chosen to be loved
A delightful apple
Seen carved in
The palm of your hands
So why do I see myself
As a waste of God's time
When will I stop
Listening to the father of lies
And learn to see myself
In your eyes...

Not sure if
I want to kidult today
This ridiculous ***
Double standard adulting
Keeps constantly
Getting in the way of
My partying's bullshitting ways
Of course you can have
This puzzling conundrum
Posing as my best existence
Fix it and put it together nicely
All I need, is to examine
It  thoroughly before
You can even think
Of giving it back...

I need your help
To break the hold
This life has on me
Living a right just life
Just rightly is not
Only my soul's desire
It's what my innermost
Being is fearfully
And wonderfully
Created to be...

It's not easy
Living a Christ like life
God please I can't do anything
Without your guidance or help
Lord I'm not sure if
I'm doing things right
If I'm loving my neighbor
If I am as forgiving as I can
Especially wantingly needing Forgiveness for myself
I have no clue if my heart is pure
We ALL sin, and fall short
I know of that for sure
So how can I put my hands
To the plow and never look back
Boldly say for Christ I live
And Christ I die and seriously
Mean to mean it as I was taught?

Reaping the bitterness
Of seeds sown
Weather by my own hands or
Curses trickling
Down to seven generations
All because disobedience
In trying to at once
Serve more than one
Mastering none!

Deep in my epiphanies
My mind's eyes can't help
But see what and who
You think you perceive of me
The God in me notices no bigger
Flawed being to be
Perfect for all my purposes
Created in the image
We only aspire to see beyond
On the throne of my heart
Where only the treasures
Of the pieces of my peace dwell
I let you in, ignorant to
The fact that I opened
The gates to my own living hell...

Caught a fish two days ago
Fishing is very rewarding
I have decided
If I  am to be a looser at life
As some of my hateful
Supporters suggest
And suggested
I will be a happy looser
Since my choices are mine to make
Is being caught in a 22
For my sake
I just pray
The right decision is made
Because accepting responsibility
Means placing blame on no one!!!

It's A love affair
When I think of this peace inside
The entire world around WE
Couldn't possibly equate US
Juztuz peanut headz Jordanz
With Fieldz of sweet and sour
Perry Saphire blossoms
Roze one more day
Gifted with the Rizingz
Of the only sunz son
Gave birth to none
Mothers many
Daughterz I have a plenty
That juzt means I'm blessed
And I'm loathingly loved at times
That's just how daughters and Mothers do! It was not supposed
To be us in this blissful hellish
Chaoticly beautiful mess
WE call family
But in the mean time
WE ALL are fine. Justus
No measurements in time
Created to be yours
Far longer than forever
Az you mi amore are mine...

Never really concerned
About or over loosing you
More worried that I could lose me
Falling more with time and effort
Every lie you uttered
Gave this foolish
Fool's heart comfortable
Necessary temporary comforts
Instant gratifications
Of zoul loosing proportions
When only in God
I should've put ALL of my trust

Every now and then
I do an evaluation
By way of the people
I think should or could
Know a bit of and about me
Well enough to be able to weigh in
Maybe that is not the best way
To evaluate oneself
I guess seeing myself through
Others eyes is not always
The true reflection of who
I know myself to be
The many petals to this orchiroze
That very few ever get to see
Beautiful smiles seem to hide
The pain, that no one
Really cares to know exist in me

Suicidal ideologies
That cross our minds
No necessary apologies
For the frustration
Of wanting the pain
To simply be eased
Stopping the spread
Of dis eased thoughts
Of angry hurt
How many ways are
The possibilities
Dying by the hands
That took an oat
To not harm
But to only heal...

Although
They have become
My Everything
It crosses my mind at times
How different
Life might or could've been
If I hadn't
Given birth to my offspring

Counting the many
Blezzingz all around
Grateful to still be
In the land of the living
Grace and Mercy
Kept death at bay
Honestly just yesterday
At the windows and doors
To my very zoul, death came
By knocking once again
God's merciful grace
Covered another vehicle
My family was in
Great truly is your faithfulness...

Great Rizingz
Gorgeous woman of God
I know you don't
Usually do Mondays
But how could you not
Since today and everyday
The Lord has made
I'm grateful
For ALL the blessings
I know I don't  deserve
And humbly grateful for
ALL I've got...

Praying for
A renewing of my faith
My rooted and grounded
Has been wavering of late
Asking earnestly
That these tests
In my testimonies
Be overcomed rather than
Be the earthly death of me
But if dear God
You can't or won't
Take the bitterness
Of this very large cup from me
Please let thy will
Bring out only the
Best it seems you see in me

Facade you say
Interesting choice of words
Since you know about pretentious
Pretendingz very well
Acting like you gave a fauq
To get what you want
Sending your PR rep
Like that wasn't your game
You know that hustlin backwards
The muthafauqin front
Trust me, what lies beneath the lies
I am far more stupid than she
Who tried so hard to warn me
For whatever their in or
Unintentional reasoningz
I had to see for myself
The real you, you couldn't
Keep hiding akumatizing
Through wordz who I see
Then again believing
Usually iz, resting in
Pieces of Peace!!!

Even though
Time after times
These subconscious
Strollz through
These mental valleys
Of the shadowz
Of my many deaths
If I don't do what's right
I fear no evil ever
Living is not living
Unless it is pleasing
In the sight...

My life is in your hands
And you are playing
A dangerous game
On the throne of
My one and only heart
Not trying to be
Disrespectful at all
Just inquiring master
If I was born for
Any particular
Reason at ALL
The questions I question
Have?motives attached
To the mental frame of
A most earnest prayer
Because I really believe
In the powers of the name...

Although it is iladvised
To always say what comes off
The top of onez head
It is so very important
To be truthful to self
While being true to otherz
When speaking ones mind!

No one
Likes to feel used
But everyone
At some point in their lives
Uses someone
Even if it's that person's choice
As children of God
We ask God to use us
But get very upset nonetheless
When WE are used by people
Thoughts with the hmmm effekt...

I have learned
To be very warned
Cautious and careful
A bit awry even
When people say to me
"You're just like family"!!!
See inherently I'm royalty
The one true God, king of kingz
I resemble my kindred
Dont I look just like
My Daddy!!!

Stranger to my
Own reflection
I barely see myself most times
Imploding to my core
I choose to No longer reside
In a mental dungeon
Of failed trials and many errors
Or dwell in hates households
Of homelessness feeling prodigal
Longing for a place and people
When I'm an alien to this world
And passing through is the only
Truth I can hold on to as my Own.

ALL chaos
Good bad
And indifferent
Begins and end
With mothering
Good, bad, or not...

Where do the skeletonz
In my closet go to hide
When I'm the one
Constantly opening the door
That illuminates them
Assuming credences
In confidence
What really lies in lies

When have WE
Ever! At anytime
Crossed the barriers
Of each other's mindz
Waking to the cold
Sweat of my own browz
Missing the warmth
From your side of the bed
Wanting to get to you
By any mode
Of transportation necessary
With this ring this bestest friend
Putz Da Zhe in Wifey...

Still think about
Our good times
Even when only
WE three was you SB and me
Not that the byta joy
Experienced thus far
Could ever be replaced
Just reminiscing
In the gud ole daze
Before knowing
All WE knew
That untainted nieve
Boo boo type of foolish fool
Promising the universe
When not even the world
Belonged to belong to you...

Can't think of anywhere
I'd rather be
You embarked on this journey
Called life with me
For better if WE make
It through the worst
Ever situations
All to show and prove
That the test of time
Means love existing far beyond
Any earthly grave...

If I was to just
One more time
Have una mas tiempo
Please, por favor
You hate to see me
Ask longingly
Begging is beneath me
So I'm pleading passionately
When you peer into
The windows of my inner sanctum
See me! I am real you know
Imperfect perfection
This lub dub, is no artificial spark
It's a real heart with it's very own
Emotional heart beat...

When it's meant to be
Isn't it supposed
To be a little easier than this?
These are most certainly not
The sheets on the bed that I made
How dare I lie here
As we lay here
Can you pay a little attention
To the very little details
Of little ole me
Just you and I
The focal point of
US never eating soggy waffles EVER! Come up to the level WE
This song in my head
Is relentlessly unashamed
Playing on repeat
This stranger gracing my bed
Introduced himself very well!

I'm so broken
The shattered peacez
Of my soul hurt so good
Because when the clouds fade
I will be better for choosing
To choose the God in me
That first chose ME!!!

What I want is irrelevant to you
What I need is paramountly
Conducive to my peace of mind
This ghetto, ratchet, chaotic
Way you choose to exist, Is sooo
Beneath the way I live my life
I cannot be who you want or need
Not when all you seem to be doing
Is wasting your life, and my very
Precious nonrefundable time...

Trying to process
What I'm feeling
What's going on in my mind
Trying to know
What I'm knowing
Why is my soul so
Emotionally unfulfilled
Most of the time?
Needing to overstand
The despair I constantly
Stand under
Praying and hoping
That one day things will just be Better...

Don't want to be
Hurtfully hateful and angry
For the rest of my life
It's not the will of God
That anyone least of all me
Live in constant tumultuous strife
To hold on to painful experiences
I have allowed all my days
To not get free through
Prayerful praise
Don't want emotions
To control my day to day
Want to live in the promise
That forgiveness is as real as sin
And my life has purpose
I'm not just living in vain.

I do self hating
Things I often regret
Like sharing my inner most secrets
Hoping you do as you say
When I tell you things
You claim to quickly forget
Until a Freudian slip
And ALL my business
Flows out of your lips
How can WE build
What you inconsiderably
Constantly break?
How much betrayal
Is one heart created to take
I've been told, I hold onto the past
Well what did WE learn then
To make things now last?
How do I trust you
When I barely trust myselves
So afraid of looking back
And terrified by what's next?
Praying for tranquility
In this peaceful hell