Be very careful
When you call
This heart your home
The irreparable damage
You do
If you so choose
May very well be the
Demise of your Own..

If I keep
Looking for you
How, when and where
Would I even begin
To find the me lost within
The subconscious of my
Existential chasings???

Ughhhhhhhh
Love literally
Made me sick
The sight,  the smell,
Ugh the mere sound
Or mention of it
I hate myself for
Wanting, needing
Longing while yearning
That some aspect of you
Could want to be true
Ughhhhhh love, you, you
Hurtful, hateful, loveless
Love struck fool...

So many depressing
Thoughts rushing
Through my head
Don't know where
To start feeling better
About existing as is
While always wanting
And needing to do
And most certainly
Be better than the
Bitterness of regret
Grappling, holding fast
To familiar tendencies
Looking for hard, but
Could never see myselves
In me...

This heart can't afford
To allow hurt to make it
Full of hate, bitterness, or anger
When betterment only makes
Decisions moving forward better

I have not been
As naive about love
As love has been about me
I know for a matter of fact
That in perfect love there
Can only be peaceful peace
Space and time where chaotic
Confusion has no choice but
To cease existing...

I will forever
Cast every care
That concerns me
On  you, to fight
Every war torn battle in me
Gracious most high
We both know
Cleanly hands and
A pure heart are both
Requirements for living
In your perfect will...

I  cannot keep lying to myself
I have been behaving like a fool
For far too long of a time now
None of this stress serves a purpose
To my health or my life
And since the enemy of my soul
Seeks to have me **** myself
To an eternal hell of many regrets
I have to do better than continue
To allow myself to be a volunteer
Of a bitter existince.
While hating anyone
There is no energy left to
Love myself, because negativity
Is so very draining.  I choose to
Let go of hating you,  while I start
Allowing myself to love who God
Knows I'm created to be...

No seeds No stems
That's what I be tellin dem
Strictly rootz yuh dun know
Running dis race
Iz about truthfully
Growing patiently
Not just getting old.

We change
Only when we
Are ready to...

Gratitude for strength
To keep enduring
Running this race
Is not easy dear Lord
But when I'm weak
My biggest cheerleader
You have always been
And will forever be
Protecting my husband
Providing my family's
Every single need
Blessed to know your love
You dwell within, without
All around and above
Melodious heaven
I'm in it for the long haul
Well done is my just reward...

Its a yearning
This loving lust
To once again
Taste the bitterness
Of your zoul
Taking
A morsel of your spirit
You know I can only
Enjoy you in doses
Binging would be sure death
A heavenly haven
My exhausted war struck
Heart
Will welcome one sweet day
What you call love is so toxic
I know I am not to blame, but
It is I who have yet to learn
Just how easy it is to
Simply let go and let God...

This gift of penning
Any piece of my peace
A blessed curse it is
To say the very least
Wanting to be listened to
Longing for my soul to be
Seen
Without sheer transparencies
Allowing just enough Knowledge
Of myself with very little into Me See...

Thankful for
Another day
Life's gifts of
Living renewed
Every morning
I'm blessed to wake
Heart beating with gratitude
Mind soul and spirit
Increasing in faith...

Love to luv
My own company
Not ever a loner
Alone or even lonely
Sultry sounds of
My own thoughtful
Still small voice
Soothes the most
Beastly of beasts
So why can't I
Just enjoy being
One with only me?

I AM a warrior
Not a worrier
Born conquer
A winning winner
I AM evolution
The trajectory
Of my thoughts
Is mine to change
Because my capabilities
Allow me to use words to
HEAL
Where words tried to break
And or tried to destroy me...

Gave of my all
The best I didn't
Even knew I had
I gave of my worth
My life force and strength
Had no idea I could
Give what I hadn't
Have for myself
And all you gave
In return was opened
Hands not heart to
Take and Take and Take...

I will bear
New mentalities
I will raise
New awareness
I will see
New determinations
I will be
Greatness discovered
I will have
Strength and courage
I will become
A whole transformed beast...

Learned some
Valuably difficult lessons
Throughout years spent
Desperately searching
To just belong or be seen
As
Friend, lover and family
I've mostly learned
That with all of my being
I need only God for my
Everything and anything
And that nothing
And no one but me could
Ever
Change who I AM created to BE!!!

Double doses
Quenching my every thirsts
Only daily bread
Earnestly prayed for
Or could ever longingly need
Food for my burning zoul
Feed me til I
Needingly no quiero mas
Surfacely speaking to my core
Knowing only
One thing's
Certainly sure
One mindedness
In We hearts iz why WE love
Is so Unbreakably strong...

Holding on
To things and people
Passed their appointed Seasons and Reasonings
Makes letting go of it or them
Far harder than it should be...

The ill wills
And negativity
We don't wish
For ourselves
We should not
Wish for anyone else
Weather we love them
Like them dislike or even
Hatefully despise them
As a person or their actions...

In the most sacred
Places of my mindful heart.
I am a love sick child needing And wanting attention and Affection all the time.
Yearning for a fulfilling
My inner being once knew
Searchingg for that peaceful love,
Found thus far Lord only in you!!!

Eyes bloodshot and hurting
Still the tears won't stop falling
Struggling to forgive others
Because I struggle so very hard
To forgive myself and believe
That God has truly forgiven and loves even me...

She was so pure so innocent
Insecure and broken at her core
Her smiles, laughs, jovial nature
Masked the way she felt inside
Fighting back tears all the time
That protects her fragile pride
"I don't want to be her anymore"
Whispered through weary sighs
Before bed each night praying To make her wrongs right
Cause regret is a hell of it's own
Shameful fear grips her mindful
Heart! Nothing, nowhere and
No one is safe anymore
Stranger to herself with no
Familial bond, knowing heaven
Is her only true home...

Love you far more
Than you could ever imagine
Love was never enough to,
Make anyone do the right thing
Was never about getting over u
But getting back to the better in
Me, I always known existed
The God in me you chose not to
See, but deemed godless
When I returned the hate
I didn't deserve, that you so
Liberally served me first.
Thread lightly when trying
To destroy God's chosen...

In black and white
I leave the best and
Worst parts of me
Pieces that hide
In plain sight of
My oxymoronic peace
Raw emotional dis eases
Buried amongst illuminations
Of light's invisibilities
While somewhere along the way
The best and worsts of me
Is being left in black and white
For chosen and unchosen
Selected and unselected to critic...

Teach me how to love
Show me who to suffer for
Since I AM unable to prevent
Anyone from making
Conscious or unconscious
Choices of hurting me.
I AM so tired of being
Afraid of being hurt again
I see icicles forming in veins
Where blue flowing blood
Used to rush along to ease
Pains of dying cells
Unseen only felt
My emotions need an education
In right from wrong
I'm not only listening to
But singing sad songs
About situations blaming love
Gone horribly wrong
In it far longer than a furlong
Knowing that I can be very
Headstrong, knowing both
What I need and what I want
Love, Peace, and joy while Experiencing what my life
With the real love, I have been
So desperately searching for
In and ALL around it...

A hoarders nightmare
COVID 19 got the whole
Entire world winter, spring
And summer cleaning!
I did hear often as a child
That cleanliness is close to
Godliness!!!

We got a race to run
Come on sun shine brighter
Through gemz these
Diamond minded sentiments
How many of US actually know
Just how turbulent the flow
Written so clicheishly long ago
Maybe not quite put just so
Weather in kyso, soca, or calypso.
It is this Trinbagonian
Time for sure, that genuine glow
Don't get it twisted kinda roll
Still blowing mindz! Fakt iz
Don't none of yall want that purple smoke!!!

Sitting here angry
Feeling sorry for myself
I dare not ask out loud
What else can go wrong next
Days filled with regretful ponder
Nights filled with restlessness
Prayers don't even bounce off
Let alone pierce God's ears
Your purpose and plan for my life
Cannot be remorseful tears
There has to be a better way
To be at peace within
Despite the chaos all around
But, what if there isn't though
What if I've run out of options?

It's my mind
I'm making the
Decision to loose
Try finding my mental
Sensibilities, you so choose
Trust it's blown
Long before you got here
Follow the trail of thoughts
All untraveled roads lead home
Guaranteed! Zhe left cluez...

Oh how it *****
When you can't
Even be vulnerable
Around the people
That you make comfortable
To be vulnerable around you...

Only evil muthafukaz
Die with their eyes open
You sitting there hoping
Life for you is gonna change
You should know exactly
How the game is played
Living by way of violence
Only ensures you die the same...

Some people don't
Know what's a struggle
Others only know how
To survive through it

What is sad
Is that someone else
May benefit from ALL
The time I wasted loving you
Hoping, wishing, praying
Begging, needing, just wanting
You to treat me the way I
Knew in my heart of hearts
I deserved, or at the very least
Treat me how you want to be
Treated yourself, or hell just
Treated right...

I want to choose myself
I've needs, wants and desires
I too want my life to count
I want to know how to simply
Not be hated, or feel bad
About putting myself first
Place in my own existence
To be partly about me at times
I want better and I don't think
I should ever end my quest
In the pursuit of my own
Inner and outer peaceful joy
Of my latter day's happenings
Simply to lay down my life
For other's who may or may
Not be worth me hurting for
Since told by brother Bob
That everybody I meet or know
In my lifetime will, not if hurt me
Man listen even in my self hating
I myself have hurt me and even
Though I have paid handsomely
For kicking my own ***, Jim
I still can love me better
Than only I know how now
And far better than I have Mary!!!

Doing rat ****
In ratcheting ratty
Uneighbourly hoods
Try looking carefully
Before biting Eve, cause
That one poisoned apple
Made the whole lot of them
Rotten to their core, yup
Absolutely NO ****** good!

Hmmm! You know
I can preach it well
Even gives great advice
But do I really hear or listen
When my mind's eyes
Speak to my heart's
Bountiful contentment
Or adhere to the spiritual
Warnings that come from
The epicenter of my soul?
And if not, why my love? Why?

You are pathological
At your worstest best
Lying is sport and a hobby for you
Weather awake or at rest
Please be mindful though
Whatever is done in the dark
Has a way of coming to light
Experience should have
Already taught you so...

You are angry at me for being me
For trying to protect my love that was
Being used abhorrently against me
You could've loved me
And let me love you unconditionally
As I stll and will forever do
You've used my love to fight for you
Because you've always known
It's expansive magnitude
I've always prayed for you
To first get to know you
You are so much grander than
Some of your thoughts of you
The hate you are trying so hard to give
Is dull in comparison to the love of God
I was blessed and charged to instill
That shines in and through you...

If I could paint
My pain's kaleidoscope
It would look like
A purplish gold spattered
Flattened line of taupe...

Some days this struggle
Is unbelievable
Trying so hard
To just trust the God
I know that I know to be very real
And hold onto my faith
Knowing when
The spirit is guiding me to move and
How to be patient no matter
What
Situations arise or how
Bad things get
While learning
How patiently on the Most High
To just wait....

Running far and wide
Looking for a place
To tuck this weariness
There's no getting away
From the only me
I'm created to be
Still staring in mirrors
At this stranger
Looking back at me
Years of just peering through
Familial unfamiliar eyes
Naively believing every
Big and little non omitted lie
This anger waging war inside
Justifiably unjustified
Would it be to turn to rage
The hateful poison
Which could bring peace
If only I would lay down and die...

This glorious life spoken of
When deciding to follow Christ
Is it not written or understood
That the Lord, and savior
Innocent in flesh manifested
Was arrested and tried
At night, no jury of his peers in sight
Made to wear a crown
Of thorns, while carrying
The very same cross
Ulimately strung to and hung upon
Defeated foe, lastly laughing
Yup satan just knew he had him
But when the temple Jesus spoke about
Was rebuilt in just three days
The devil lost ALL his power
Over hell, death, and the grave
All that, was done so long ago
So that today any and everyone
By faithful grace, from
Ourselves may be saved...

Who the hell
Want to be like this
Feel like this
This hateful bliss
A mirage if you will
Of wanting and needing
To be accepted
For whom's I is
A thousand days to me
Is likened to one day
To the Most High king
So I will continue to wait
Cause my waiting on God's timing
Is never waiting in vain...

I feel so under qualified
When there are things
The Most High asks me to do
I'm always telling
My heavenly father
That I'm so broken
Asking are you sure
You want me to use?
I usually get the response of
If not you my beloved
Who would you rather me choose
And if not the broken
Who do you suggest I use???

I just want to write
Just for a little while
See what room or rooms
This gift will open for me
No matter what it's about
All I want to do if only
Just for a little while
Is to leave my soul
On black and white
And seriously, just write...

The seeds of bitterness
You planted and hoped
Would fully grow
To hateful thorns
That one day
Choke the life and beauty
From the bossom
Of this orchirose
Are only watered
With my fervent prayers
Of your betterment
Because the greater
Aspect of me
Dwells within
And keeps me from
Haughty prideful sin...

I stay in prayer
Cause fact is I know
If dont know body
Knowingly knows
Just how effectual
A fervent prayer really is
To need something
No man or woman
Can be able to ever give
No one can possibly
Measure up to
Who's idea of perfect
But in one's own eyes
After the God unseen
But not uknown
Pay attention I AM
Is Mr Most High
Internationally known
Forever heavenly minded lifestyle
It ain't never ever been
What you can or can't  do for me
Almighty master above all
Your servant hears your voice
Now How May Your Humbled
Servant be of service to thee???