life is breathing soft
in between and balanced hard
between breaths of black

I want to wake in the middle of the night, only conscious enough to recognize your scent, to the sensation of you pulling back my covers and climbing into bed with me. I want to drift off again, only after you’ve enveloped me with your body, to the gentle whisper of your breath on the back of my neck. My last thought before unconsciousness settles back over my mind will be your name, and how I’ve missed you.

This is it, isn't it?
Here it is, the time.
It's staring me in the face,
Dark, lonely eyes
Weaving a tale ridden with tragedy.

Gut clenching
Hands shaking
Muscles cramping
Heart weakening
It's time, isn't it?
It's here.

Forgive me,
I knew it was close.
I didn't know
I didn't see.
I failed.

Here I am,
Though I have no right,
No connection.
I wait.
Silent.
Listening.

*It's time.

I find my thoughts of you hiding out in the shower
They float effortlessly on air, peaceful
But the moment I turn on the water,
And sit,
They attack,
Descending upon me mercilessly.
I pull my knees up for protection,
Curl myself up like a fetus
All to no avail.

*You’re sitting across from me
As I try to avoid the scorching hot water
You lean in, unflinching to the heat
And say to me, “You’re beautiful.”

Leaving me be,
Air finally reaches my lungs.
No more waiting and wondering
Where you’ve been or where you’re going.
With newfound air in these tired lungs
I can out run those long-clinging fears.
Your name is no longer engraved
On the vice clamping my heart shut.

Hope for new love, new adventures,
Has melted the lock on the door,
And I’m tripping over untied shoelaces
In my haste to escape the prison that was my life.

Farewell, black and white.
Here comes the sun.

Funny, what the human mind does to protect itself.

He was broken, as I was
And I thought I could fix him.
No
I thought I could be a solution.

I wanted to be the answer
That the universe whispered in response
To his nights alone in drunken tears.
Wanted to be the perfect fit
To the gaping hole in his chest.

But I was not prepared.
I gave up my heart and soul
before I really knew what that meant.
I gave him my mind and my will;
Everything, anything he wanted that I could give
I gave
I let him take all that he wanted from me
Let him run my soul dry,
and what was left,
What he didn't want
I threw away.

I was too young,
Too naive to understand
The gravity of my choices.
That is,
Until he told me
that it wasn't enough
I wasn't enough.
I was not freedom.
Commitment is not a freedom
And he didn't want any part of it.

So there I was, left with only pieces
of myself.
Not enough left to put back together
To make a whole.
Just a hole.
Empty and lost.

I was in love with him,
and to be fair,
He loved me, too.
Not for who I was,
But for who I became for him.
When he tired of that,
He found someone new to sate his interest.
And failed to mention the change.
Coward.

It's so fuzzy now.
Hazy, even.
Like looking through a ***** windshield at twilight.
I can't even remember a twinge of that love.
Not even a pinprick of the agony.
The holes in my soul don't ache anymore,
Not for him.

Funny, what the human mind does to protect itself.