It was never about the goodwill, the charm
Not remotely
Just the lies
But not any old lies
No, lies that made a difference
Dropped into conversation, subtlely
Then became consequences
Affecting lives
Watching as the poison took effect
Gratifying from a distance
Better than a shot to the head
Moving on to the next one
Words at the end of the phone
More words, just a hint
Heresay
Death on a dark night
Senseless, yet so brutal
No affiliations, why
Small wars breakout
New faces, click
Names to faces
Phone call in the night
Chaos ensues
Car stops as shadowy figure enters from the dark
Drives off
Dossier complete.

Sensual day on the life trip she searches
The walk through broken glass accentuates the rare pleasure of disappointment
She checks the mirror for past reflective glories
Empty cradle tells no lies
Search for man like the rarest fruit
Search for the perfect man, gold lined
The planets look good, aligned
Princess in search of Prince
Admirers fall by her side
But not the right admirer, yet
The enchanted waits
Planets shifting
Time is of the essence
He comes
Pleasure is all his, for a time
Life blood flows
The signs are good
Exsanguinated, ecstasy passed
The mirror screams as new life bears fruit
The planets crash
She sleeps
The empty cradle rocks
The planets lay dormant
A slight flicker
The mirror reflects
Rejuvenated, she seeks
The trip brings gifts bearing
Conquest, boasts young blood in thought
Dreamlike fading in sensual pleasure
The cradle rocks
The planets grow angry
The mirror soothes in the night
New journey begins as planets align.

The blade cut deep
She died laughing
Death was a relief
Unlike her life
Riddled with betrayal
He noticed no blood flowing from her hateful body
He was always sure she was bloodless
She certainly lacked all human feeling
But even a ***** like her would possess some blood
He bent down to check just as she was rising
Something in his brain registered
Sudden disbelief, sudden shock
Words in mouth froze
As total shock shook his entire being
The knife entered his neck
Spurting blood in all directions
His fingers tried to stem the flow
She watched him
Fascinated at the pattern he was painting
So strange she thought
He always said she was the bloodless ******.

You’re probably wondering why I’m phoning you.
It’s a hello call.
Not exactly.
You’re having a lesbian baby.
No, but I am single again.
Don’t tell me you dumped that man woman.
Mary was the love of my life.
She was a brute, she would give tarzan a run for his money.
Never mind that, do you remember when I was finding myself.
Remember it well, I was entering, you said, I think I’m a lesbian.
I know, it was bad timing, but you taught me a lot.
So I did, my Cv now reads, think you’re straight, I’ll change that.
How would you like to do it again.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now.
No, I realise you can turn people, you have a gift.
What do you want to turn into.
I want to be a straight lesbian, sort of.
I would love to help, but I’m in a relationship.
That’s okay, I can wait a week or two.
That’s quite funny, see, only lesbians could make jokes like that.
I know, I think you can relesbianise me.
Are you on drugs or something.
No, I liked being in bed with you, you never done anything for me, but I appreciated the effort.
Gee thanks, I’ll update my Cv. Think you're straight, I’ll change that, you’ll be a lesbian tomorrow, with straight tendencies.
See, that’s what I like about you, you’re never bitter. You did say it was a battle to get me into bed, now I’m offering myself on a plate.
I appreciate that, but how does this make you a reborn lesbian.
That’s simple, I won't enjoy it with you, then I’ll realise what I’m missing.
Do you mean you’ll fake it.
Yes, but you won’t know.
I won’t.
No, I’ll dress provocatively and make all the usual noises.
I knew this would happen someday, the twilight zone would come along and take me away to a place where fairies would serenade me with
tea and biscuits. Okay, just realised, thats an old folks home.
Okay girl, let’s get faking.

It’s three in the morning
The whisky bottle stares, daring
The calm night screams
Death haunt memories unbury
Unravelling faces long dead
But seeking answers
The sacrificed
That’s what we called them
Left behind
For the greater good
Our greater good
Like we shot you with betrayal
That would be mercy
Your screams then
Like your screams now
Awake us like a knife to the chest
We hide the guilt
Create hero status on your behalf
Bestow greatness on your forgotten souls
Hide in the dead of night
Praying deep graves stay closed
It’s three in the morning
The whisky bottle stares, daring
Restless sleep fights the night drowning
The new day brings change
Fear gone
For at least another year.

Mary on the shore, waving brightly
Life was good
I wrote your name in huge letters on the sand
You were the one
No time to admire said work
The sea so calm
Turned in anger and washed you all away
It was a sign
Just wasn’t to be
Mary on the shore, waving brightly
I turned and walked away.

I was told you might be able to help me.
I can try.
You’ve read my notes.
No, I never read notes from professionals, they tend to use big words that require dictionaries.
So you know nothing about me.
Afraid not.
So I’m wasting my ******* time being here.
I don’t know.
What the hell do you mean you don’t know.
Just what I say, I don’t know till you tell me.
Well, see if you took the time to read my ****** notes, you would know.
So tell me.
Can you not just look at my notes now.
No.
*******, I was ******* attacked, does that help you.
It’s a start.
I was *****.
Now I see why you’re angry.
I’m angry at the ******* getting away with it, I’m angry at the court for letting the ******* get away with it.
You should be, you’ve been ***** twice.
I want to **** him, that’s all I think about, 24/7.
How would you do it.
I would stab the *******.
Do you want me to show you how to do it quickly.
You would do that.
Yes, this is the knife you would use, hold it.
Okay show me.
Now before I do this, I do have to explain something to you. He will be dead, and you certainly will go to prison for a long time.
I know, but at least he’ll be out of my mind.
Afraid not, if anything he’ll be in your mind even more. Everyday you’re locked up he’ll be ****** you over and over again.
Fucksakes, is this my life forever now.
No, follow me, bring the knife with you.
This is a lifesize bad guy, I’m going to draw a circle on him, I want you to plunge the knife into the circle.
You are kidding aren’t you.
Indulge me.
Okay then, here goes.
Great, the knife went in four inches, you’ve killed him.
Is that it.
No, now I want you to tense your whole body, and when I shout ****, you attack that bad guy, and you don’t stop. I want to hear you screaming, I want you to plunge that knife in as many times as you can, I want to see you crawling on the floor physically exhausted. You ready.
Ready.
****.
Six  minutes eleven seconds, a new record. How do you feel.
I’m ******* angry, but it’s a different kind of anger, it’s hard to explain.
You’re back in control.
Yeah, I feel different, but how long will it last.
I’ll not lie to you, they’ll be times when it’ll come back to you, but the mad woman with the knife in her hand will override it.  As you get stronger, it’ll get easier.
Can I be alone with a guy again.
You’re alone with me.
I know, but I’ve got a big knife to protect me, I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to carry it about with me.
Was that a bit of humour.
It was sort of. Can I visit you again, are you allowed to drink with your patients, is that against the rules.
It’s only against the rules if I pay.
Is that your idea of humour, do you want to go for a drink now.
I might get arrested taking you to a bar just now.
No I wouldn’t mention it to anybody.
Actually I was more thinking of your mascara running down your face, your puffy eyes, and how you look like you’ve been in a fight.
Fucksakes you might have said something.
I was leaving it till tomorrow night, gives us something to talk about whilst you’re buying me beer.
You’re not very good in relationships, are you.
What makes you say that.
I don’t know, I just think you get dumped a lot.
Even more to talk about tomorrow night.
You like getting dumped, don’t you.
Sure you’ll sort me out tomorrow night.
I will, I’m going to give you all sorts of advice, change your bad ways,
make you more presentable to the opposite ***.
I see a lot of beer getting bought for me then, look forward to it.

It was only fifty quid to join.
Looking For An Affair.
So is the girl next door.
What I could do with the girl next door.
Joined immediately.
Met big Mary the wrestler.
Lost that fight.
Moved onto Jill who told me it was such a thrill.
Told me her life story twice.
Rechecked website just to make sure I didn't get affair mixed up with affliction.
Third time lucky, met Jasmine, her husband didn’t understand her, fantastic I thought, now we’re talking.
Three hours later we were still talking.
So double rechecked website just to see if I was due a counselling fee, complained no end to them.
Was promised immediate action, they would hook me up with sultry Sandra.
So anyway it was a real shock when I met the wife, who I certainly would’ve demanded an explanation, if a watertight alibi was at the ready.
The no wonder I need a woman cos you’re never around just didn’t seem appropriate at the time, and for once she was lost for words.
So anyway, we decided she would join another website.
I would take up counselling full time.

She looks at the clock
Waiting
The unlocking of the door
No words
The distant looks
Separate rooms
Separate lives
Soon
Separate ways
The clock kept ticking
Ticking, ticking, ticking
Next week
Her new life
An hour passed
Strange
She felt it
That eerie feeling
Shook her
The doorbell ringing
Hit her like a bolt
The unlocking of the door
No words needed
So strange
The clock had stopped ticking.

It was never about the teddy bear
It just sits there
Well actually, It lies there
Have you ever noticed that about teddy’s
They always lie at 45 to 60 degree angles
I digress
It should be about the teddy
You go to the hospital
People see a teddy, they smile
I wasn’t smiling
No, I wasn’t smiling that day
But as teddy said
At least you don’t need a dna test
Definitely didn’t need a dna test
Just a large drink
Several large drinks
None for teddy
That would be irresponsible
Teddy still makes jokes about it
No night feeds for you
No crying
You’ve had a lucky escape
I sit him up straight
Ten minutes later
He’s on his side
That's life.

I was going over all the mistakes I’ve made in my life.
There’s been a few.
Though, I have now boiled it down to one point in my life.
The wedding.
There was only one option.
In hindsight, there really should have been three.
Do you take this woman on a six month contract.
I do, seems like a good deal all round for both parties.
Do you take this woman on a need to know basis.
I do, one just never knows what’s lurking behind women these days.
Do you take this woman till a better one comes along.
I do, this is definitely the best option.
I now pronounce you duly contracted.

British people hate foreigners.
It’s nothing personal.
They’re just not British.
Brits go abroad to try the local cuisine, and get a heat.
This will last one day.
The second day they’ll put tomato sauce on everything that moves.
This includes the food they bring with them.
Brits abroad will search out the British pub.
This is called the Irish bar.
Brits will lie in the sun for twelve hours.
Suffering first degree burns.
Convinced the next day they’ll be golden brown.
Brits abroad are easily recognisable.
By the Manchester United strips they wear.
Though they don't actually live in Manchester.
Brits abroad dislike other Brits who live in the next town to them.
Brits abroad will give strangers their last penny, or kick the crap out of them.
Brits abroad will tell anybody listening.
Britain gave the world everything.
From the Steam engine, to the Beatles.
Plus winning two world wars.
Foreigners will shake their heads  in total disbelief and agreement.
Then think to themselves.
How the hell did they do it.

You gotta let the blood out the body
You gotta let it all fade away
Once the blood is out the body
Then the body can reawake

You gotta walk the streets at night
Watch the victims shining bright
Waiting for dreams that never come true
Clinging to life nearly through

You gotta let the blood out the body
You gotta let it all fade away
Once the blood is out the body
Then the body can reawake

You gotta watch their eyes
No hiding, no disguise
Vacant pools lacking soul
Destiny’s ashes burning coals

You gotta let the blood out the body
You gotta let it all fade away
Once the blood is out the body
Then the body can reawake

You gotta cut the body wide
Gotta cut it deep inside
See the pictures life unfold
Death in jars, story told.

So, can you afford this place by yourself.
Yeah, I did the maths.                                                          
­Okay I’ll take the washing machine, you take the couches.  
You kidding, the washing machine was a present, you take the couches.
I know how to work the washing machine.
Well, I know how to work the coffee machine, but I don’t make a song and dance about it.
Was that why you phoned the plumber when it ran out of water.
I didn’t phone him for that, I was getting a quote for something plummery I was thinking of doing.
Plummery, is that computer speak. Which reminds me, laptop, I’ll be taking that.
You’ll have to wait till I put it back together.
What do you mean put it back together, it’s new.
  I know it’s new, now it’s super new, with 12 g installed.
12 g hasn’t been invented yet.
It has now, with my new revolutionary thought processor and rewind imagery camera.
Have you finally gone nuts, you see what I’ve had to put up with the last five years.
Well I can’t tell you what you’ve put up with the last five years, but I can for the last six months.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now, what have you done.
I installed a chip in you. Pick a date out in the last six months and I’ll show you what you were doing.
You’re mad, okay December the 11th.
Right, just put that date in, okay let’s view.  You’re having a coffee morning with your sisters
and wait, you’re slagging me off as usual, tut tut.
My god, this is madness, you’ve finally lost it.
Oh you haven’t seen anything yet, lets check out Dec 13th. Oh look, it’s you and the plumber in which seems to be a posh hotel.
So it is, do I look hot or what.
That wasn’t my first thought I must admit, maybe you could explain yourself.
Isn’t it obvious, I mean, you installed the ****** chip, what part don’t you understand.
I don’t understand why you’re with my plumber on the date he promised to install my new revolutionary coffee maker.

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Wants to show you love
Show she cares
Got God on her side
Sees rainbows in the air

The Soldier boy
Broken and gone
Feels only pain
As he looks upon
His only way

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Is on a mission
Lives to save
God's number one
The prodigal son

The Soldier boy
Remembers the day
His life changed
In every way
He earned his pay

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Is on the road
With love to share
Comes across her destined soul
Her little lost foal

The Soldier boy
Fires in haste
Fear in his eyes
He hears the cries
They wouldn’t die


The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Holds out her hands
To show she cares
Touches his face
Tries to explain

The Soldier boy
Tortured in mind
Flashbacks
That make him blind
Just wants to die

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Takes his tears
Takes his fears
Gives him love
Sets him free

The Soldier boy
Sees the light
Forgives himself
His earthly plight
Thoughts of death already ceased
The Soldier boy
Now at peace.

Some guys just want you for ***
And I can see that
But I really think that would be doing you an injustice
I want to know the real you
And who knows, maybe a relationship
Take it to a higher level
Who knows, we could be forever young
What do you think.

That’s quite good Paul,I mean, compared to last week's effort anyway.

Was last week’s bad.

Let me see now, you’re pulled.

Did that lack substance.

It was sort of to the point.

And that was bad.

Well I did mention it to you the next morning.

Was that in between you’re a crap lover.

You said you could do it all night.

I did do it all night, slept like a baby.

I know, but that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Did I or did I not show you a great time in the morning.

No, you said you had to get a run in.

I know, but after that, were you or were you not screaming.

Are you surprised, there was blood everywhere, thought somebody had attacked you. how was I to know you fell down a hill.

After that, did you not say it was out of this world.

I could have said anything, I was still traumatised.

I’m not surprised your husband doesn’t understand you. You staying at your sisters by the way.

No, she’s at mines.

Did you two read the marriage contract. I mean, I’m not religious or anything, but I think the Priest would be a little concerned about your infidelity.

Have you met father Tom.

Don’t think so.

You have, he was the guy giving you *** tips.

Was that him, he was brilliant, told me all the things that turned you on.

****** great, you get the advice, I get the Hail Marys.

There’s a woman on the phone who says she’s pregnant, explanation.
Well, in simple terms, the man has to impregnate the woman, this may take several occasions, but you get the gist.
Oh I get the gist alright, so how many occasions did it take.
Well, it's hardly the thing you talk about when you’re planning a baby.
What, how long has this been going on.
How would I know, might be one night, might be long term, why don't you ask her.
I’m not asking your floosie things like that, you should know.
Typical woman, just because a pregnant woman is on the phone, you naturally assume the worse.
I have reason to assume the worse, the neighbours bed you assembled.
Don’t remind me of that, Chinese instructions, it was a nightmare.
I was more thinking of how I caught you in bed with her.
You didn’t catch us in the physical sense, we were testing the bed.
And you had to be naked to do that.
She’s Scandinavian, that’s what they do.
You were under the covers.
She was covering her modesty, the embarrassment you caused that day.
Yeah, I’m gutted.
You really  have to do something about this paranoia.
Are you saying I’m nuts.
Well, the facts do speak for themselves.
You’re so right, it’s a strange thing paranoia, sometimes I think young James isn’t yours.
Just as well he’s the spitting image of me then.
Yes, that’s the strange thing, he’s the spitting image of your brother too.
What, what are you saying, have you been bedding my brother.
Not in the physical sense I think
Well in that case young James is definitely mine then.
Don’t know, the ****** your brother used, the instructions were in Chinese.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

So what if your body
Is sweetly inviting
Inviting me to play around
To play within the depths of your mind
Not for mind games
But the other games
You know...
The *****, fun games

So what if I'm impressed
At the words that appear
On the blank sheet
In my head as you speak
So what that I cannot
Enter a room without
Accidentally finding you in it
One way or another

You've ruined me
In the sweetest way
I can imagine the day
When I convince myself
It’s really you
No games
Not in my mind
Just in me

I’m running from you
Running to you
You’re smiling
Is it really you
Inviting me
Into your mind
I’m walking away
Looking back, wondering..

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

Aw girl, did you dance with the devil
Get ripped apart
Where’s your heart
Ah, I see it beating in the gutter
Well girl, what can I say
Life's a *****, and then you die
But you don’t want to hear that
No,no, not in your beautiful world
Not in pin up poster world
Aw girl
You want to go down to the love hospital
They’ll put you back together
But guess what
That beating heart
In the gutter
Maybe wants to last past puberty
So hey, I’ve been round the block
I’ll give you ten seconds of my time
Best ten seconds of advice you’ll ever hear
That rose growing in the garden there
Is that not the most beautiful thing in the world
Now, not only is that rose beautiful
It’s also very smart
It knows some ******* is going to try and take liberties
So it surrounds itself with thorns.
Do the same
Be that rose.

Rock, how long has it been
Is that three days now
Do you know what this means
No death for me
What do you see rock, am I free
You must see many like me
I’ll apologise for them
We’re the scourge I know
We come, we go
Unlike you rock, this paradise your home
Where you belong
Maybe this day is the end
Time to go
Alas no
Over yonder I see
So young and brave
Reckless and free
Coming for me
Tell me rock, was I young once
Did I kick a ball
You must know
Being so great and all
Look at them rock
Fighting to be free
Isn't it ironic, they're fighting me
I’m already free
Why am I here rock
Explain it to me
No time now rock they're here
I took the money
Time to earn my fee
Look at them rock
Dying to be free
So young
Dying to be free
Did you answer me rock
Was I ever young
Did I kick a ball
I’m out rock
It’s you and me
Don’t cry, let them be free
Isn’t it ironic rock
I'm also free.

He got on top and satisfied his ******* soul
Rolled over and snored himself to sleep
Her mother screamed in her dream
He’s the man, give it to him
Not her, not anymore
Oh no, not this ******* *****
She planned the wardrobe for the dumb
The other wardrobe to make her ***
Sessions in the morning
Whippings in the afternoon
He took her bent across the desk
She took him straddled on the floor
He took her hard against the wall
She blew him till the final fall
She dressed in rubber, nylon, pvc
Thigh length boots
Against the tree
Spoke *****
Hand or blow
Glad the hubby didn’t know
Arrived home
It caught her eye
The envelope with the word goodbye
She read the letter

I’ve tried my best
To give you hints
But not anymore
Our marriage is just a bore
You just don’t seem to realise
Sometimes a man just wants a *****...

Madeline don’t cry, seagulls in the sky watch upon us
We’re in a different world
Don’t wait for love
Life is waiting for you
Madeline touch my eyes, pictures looking through you
The world can’t wait for Madeline
Get out there, it all belongs to you
It’s in the sky, stars are all around you
Madeline don’t cry, seagulls in the sky watch upon us
We’re in a different world
Don’t wait for love
Life is waiting for you
Madeline your name in lights shining brightly
Everyone loves Madeline
It’s in the air, people shout your name, Madeline
It’s all the world can give you
Madeline don’t cry, seagulls in the sky watch upon us
We’re in a different world
Don’t wait for love
Life is waiting for you
Madeline dry your tears
The rivers flowing by us
Cascading gently touching your face
It's time for Madeline.

I shouldn’t be with you
In this hotel
In this bed
In this relationship
No
I should be with my wife
In my house
With my newborn child
Living the life of suburbia
But I’m not
Instead
I’m planning an engagement
The future
I’m now two men
Living the lie
Waiting for the inevitable to happen
And it will.

My god, red bra, orange pants, and green socks, I’m making love to a traffic light.

Get on with it.

I can’t, where do I start.

What does it matter.

It matters a lot, if I start with your bra, do I stop, or do I drive on knowing three penalty points and an eighty pound fine are coming my way. Do I start with your pants, amber gambling, if I start with your socks, then that’s it, I’m away.

Well. what do you expect me to do.

I expect you to dress appropriately for the occasion, I mean, Gok Wan couldn’t fix you.

Well, if we’re in an insulting mood, I don’t like the tiger pants you wear, especially as tiger’s are nearly extinct.

Oh god, did you really say that, I’m going out with a *****, 0.5 wit.

What does that mean.

It means you’re a half wit.

Well, I was going to get naked, and put my duffle coat on to get you excited, but not now.

Just what every guy wants, a naked girl in a duffle coat.

Some guys would die to see me naked in a duffle coat.

Do you know, you’re right, I've now got this fantasy in my head, put on an orange hat, and wow, pelican crossing.

Get knotted, and I tell you now, that’s the only action you’ll get tonight

Well, in that case I’ll just have to create a fantasy

On he went with it, hallucinating vividly while she stood there, unarmed and furious.

Hell she was already *****, maybe she could save the situation. She looked down at her pants.

You know, you could still drive, if you have already crossed the line.

His eyes opened quickly, as if trying to catch her lying. He considered it...

Lose the bra and the socks

Lose the tiger get up

Both coming halfway, they now stood in the living room, one more naked than the other. Still a little insulted she went on to caress his member.

He, too stubborn to show his pleasure, gazed at the ceiling, feigning boredom.

Furious she slapped him across his face with a high pitched shriek, picked up her things and walked towards the door, getting dressed on the go.

Realizing he had gone too far and that he was now all up and running, he tried to bring her to other ideas...

BAM went the door.

She'll call.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

It was a light bulb moment
I’d asked her out about a hundred times
She always said no
So I didn't ask her again
She married that other guy
That’ll teach her.

Some days I stay in and mourn
To days when life was six cans and bottle of whisky chaser
I could rule the world through glazed irresponsibility
Turn black to white
People listened for a time
Spellbound by my righteous generosity
Those were the days
When dictators ruled the world
Inside my head
Now I rule the room
Fully padded wall to wall
Life in glorious technicolor
I give lectures to students
Watch their eyes  as they stumble through questions
Too dangerous for living souls
They see the eternal dead
Within my presence
Touching their inner being
For a time I’m back on top
Giving reason to the glorious dead
All lined up waiting
Waiting
Waiting for that answer
Yet surely they know
They were there
For a time
That’s the problem with the dead
They always want answers
Someday the world will know the truth
Or at least a version
Leaving a slight myth
To a created legend.

The Creator has gone
The seeds have grown and spread
Moving in all directions, never going home
Time is always moving on
Sometimes in silent occasions we pause
Thoughts to times of yesteryear
Times we’ll never see again
Goodbye for the final time
The Creator has gone
We leave to drink a toast
Family and friends another solemn occasion is upon us
Check your time clocks
The days are drawing in
Time is on the move
The Creator has gone
Time awaits us all....

You bought your ex an expensive ring.

She’s having a tough time

You bought me a card.

But I love you.

Well, woopsie woopsie woo.

I’m not feeling the sympathy here.

I’m not wearing an expensive ring, unlike somebody else I won't care to mention.

I would do the same for you.

Okay, there's a jewellers down the street.

Just take a step back, look into your conscious, this is not the girl I fell in love with.

That’s because I’m not feeling the love, unlike your ex.

Will you stop going on about the ex.

I will, when you buy me a ring.

Is it all about the material things for you.

Fine. You just wait

- week later-

You bought your ex a car?!

He was going through a tough time

You bought me cookies

But I love you. And also I ran into your ex at the flea market. She sold me the ring you gave her for £12. You have good taste in jewellery.

Also I called your mother and explained the situation. She wants a chat with you today.

Why would you call my mum?

Oh you know, we're such good friends and she never hears from you so I thought I'd catch her up

What did you tell her

Well you know about the ring and the car thing was actually her idea and the ring ending up in my hands was just good fortune.

What did my ex say?

She said she thought it was pathetic and that during your relationship she was just using you for *** anyway.

What did your ex say.

Well nothing unusual. He wants me back more than ever.

Paul Gaffney& Lily Nurmi.

Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Is that bad.
It is, but there’s a way through it.
There is.
Yes, what we need to do, is to create a situation.
How does that work.
Well, you pretend you want me to chat you up, but you want a great chat up line.
Sounds a bit pointless, but go for it.
You are the tea to my coffee.
Not feeling that Paul.
I can see us growing old together.
You’re right, I’m aging in front of you.
Nice one, I’m going to buy you a drink, but I don’t know your name.
Never heard that one before, I’m Candice.
No, that wasn’t a chat up line, what are you drinking.
Oh sorry, you got me there. Gin and tonic.
Right, back to my lines. You are the chalk to my cheese.
Never a truer word said Paul.
I saw you across the room, and I just had to speak to you.
Oh, I like that Paul. that would do it.
Well Candice I think my work here is done.
Can I ask you a stupid question.
Sure, go for it.
You do know this is a lesbian bar.
Can’t say anybody told me Candice.
It’s not written in stone, people just know it as such.
Does that mean I’ve tarnished your reputation.
Well I did get dumped last week.
Me too, fill me in then.
Would you believe she said I was selfish.
Looking at my glass Candice, I’m sort of agreeing with her.
Is that a hint you want a drink, even though the gentleman is supposed to buy them.
Nice one miss selfish, you’re enhancing your reputation.
Okay, same again. Why did a great guy like you get dumped.
I couldn’t explain the situation I was in at that particular moment in time.
You mean she found you bed with another woman.
Yeah, her sister.
That’s shocking, so how are you just not going out with the other sister.
Well.
You were going out with the other sister, weren’t you, I’m seeing a new side to you Paul. Hopefully being double dumped will teach you a lesson.
It has, I’m talking to you.
Well in that case, god is definitely punishing you.
You might be right Candice. I think in our next date, you should use your best chat up lines to cheer me up.
You kidding, you’ll try to turn me straight.
No I’ll leave that to the third date.
Do you know something, I think I’ve moved into the twilight zone.
Great isn't it, just think, half an hour ago you were expecting some super model to sweep you off your feet, and now you’re talking to me.
I know, I don’t know if I feel sorry for me, or feel sorry for you.
We’re being punished Candice for being bad.
Excuse me Paul, I don’t think being selfish is in the same bracket as double cheating.
In a way it is, I’m with a beautiful woman i can’t do anything with, how selfish can life get.
Never looked at it that way, I’m feeling all apple crumble now.
Is that lesbian speak for I’m a pudding.
Jesus, do you know you have a great capacity for lifting people, then dropping them again.
That’s my cack handed way of saying I like you.
You’re still not turning me straight.

                                  TEN YEARS LATER.
Was there ever a time I could’ve got you into bed.
Yes, all the times I got dumped and cried on your shoulder.
What, you might have said something.
I couldn’t, I was too busy listening to your perils of wisdom. You always built me up and sent me away in a better frame of mind.
Are you due to get dumped anytime soon.
No, no, and no. I’m in love. Plus you wouldn’t want to bed me, it would spoil our crazy relationship.
That’s true, plus I don’t fancy you anymore.
Yeah right, bet if I said do you want to go to bed, you would jump at the chance.
I wouldn’t, I respect you too much.
Right, I’m going to get naked, I’ll be in bed waiting for you.
( Finally. )  Why aren't you naked, and sort of waiting.
So you thought you’d try a little reverse psychology did you, Thought I wouldn’t see through your little charade. Good try, but not good enough.
I was just buttering you up.
Still trying to straighten me out. Right, it’s our anniversary on Friday, don’t be late.
I’ll check my full diary, see if I can fit it in.
                        
                                     Anniversary Ritual.

Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Ps, I got dumped today.

Another year, another resolution
Dry out January
That was a tough day
Change of job, new challenge
The scalpel cut deeply through the chest cavity
Maybe the year to find love, maybe
So many choices, so many
The scalpel cut deep, too late
The patient was lost
A long break
Different country, new start
The drink would help the choice
So steady as the bottle emptied
The scalpel cut deep, advanced signs of liver cirrhosis
The surgeon assisting was in awe at the dexterity of the liver being removed
The signs were staring back at him
The warning stark
He pondered it over a bottle of chivas
The operation would last ten hours
The hospital was lucky to have such a prestigious surgeon
The scalpel cut deep
Four hours in, the sweating and trembling began
The vessels were clamped off
The bathroom break soothed as the whisky hit home
The operation continued
The  drink breaks also
Finally finished he excused himself and left
The trip home left him physically shaking
The whisky hit home
Calm now, he went through the operation in his head
The patient was responding, the team were pleased
Something was gnawing away at him
He just couldn’t pinpoint what it was
The whisky had done its job
He was calm
It had been a long day
The pager sounding brought him round
The nagging doubt as he phoned the hospital
The patient wasn’t responding
The patient, the patient, always the patient
The clamps, he couldn’t remember
Did he remove them
He started to shake
The whisky calmed him
The pager sounded
The bottle stared back at him
Time for a change
A new challenge
A long break
The decision was made
He would drink to that.

He was never quite sure
What it was
That turned him on the most
Watching her getting undressed
Watching her getting dressed
Going back to him
Walking away
Till another day
They could turn and play
Plan the future
Write the play
The failure of adultery
Pick the day
Turn the card
Who changed the rules
Walking away
Running back
To that day
The road of no ending
Fighting the phone
Watching you getting undressed
Watching you getting dressed
Going back to him.

I saw you through the darkness
Did you see me in the night
Did you think you’d be alright
You looked right through me
Yet dismissed me from sight
Were you thinking
Oh no not me, oh god it couldn’t be
I saw you through the darkness
Did you see me in the night
Did you think you'd be alright
I saw you through the darkness
Did you see me in the night
Heard you scream in pain
Yet, waited just the same
Did you think
Oh no not me, oh god it couldn’t be
I saw you through the darkness
Did you see me in the night
You looked right through me
Dead in my sight.

He watched her leaving, mother needed her.
Mummy seemed to need her more and more now.
He tried to be intimate with her.
She was stressed, her mother.
The little voice kept telling him.
What did it tell him.
New underwear, new perfume.
In bed, she was cold towards him.
Mother died.
Strange, the first time together in a year.
He watched her leaving, father needed her.
Daddy seemed to need her more and more now.
He tried to be intimate with her.
But she was so cold now.

Shirley girl it’s been a thrill
Let me introduce you to Bill
He has a dog called Jet
He’s a solid bet
You’re dumping me after an hour
One hour
Sixty minutes of bliss
How you reminisced
Your ex Ted
Shot himself in the head
Mother Jill
Lying at the bottom of the hill
Father John
Somewhere in the Amazon
Grandad Cain
Threw himself under a train
Granny Flo
Where did she go
Not forgetting brother Fred
Lost, presumed dead
Then you mention your lesbian lover Di
Who right away I’m thinking
How did she die
Not realising, you must be Bi
Then just as I’m getting my head round that
You mention the cat
Is there a dog
What about the fog
Oh, that’s what caused the bus to disappear into the bog
You saved the lollypop man Jack
Well, that’s a blessing
What
Died next day, heart attack
Shirley doll
Don’t think of me as a bit of a moaner
But Jesus girl
You're a ****** Jonah.

In the dark of night

I snuck out of bed

The monster picked a fight

So quickly I fled



Stood by my sister, poked her a bit

A sleepy frown above her eyes

She told me to sit

I was scared and she was wise



She pulled the cover over me

And told me to sleep

She was a big girl, older than me

She held me close, I needn't weep



I dreamed of fields with flowers

And strange round trees

Mountains with towers

And puddles with bees






She stood beside me

Like a  light beam

Watching over me

Setting me free


I was brave for a time

Brave as brave could be

Searching for the monster

Hiding up the tree



The monster saw me

I screamed, he’s got me

Oh no he’s not

We both jumped under the covers

My sister and me.

                                   Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

When I said to you I would like to try a new position, What do you think I meant .

A new bar.

When was the last time we had ***.

My birthday.

No.

Your birthday.

No, it was when my mum died.

That was a sad day.

Not for you it wasn't, you supervised the cremation.

I had to make sure.

Do you know why my mum hated you.

I don’t think she hated me.

No, she definitely hated you.

She hated everyone.

You most of all.

Was it because I married you.

No, that's why she hated me. It was because you violated her underwear drawer.

I was looking for that furry thing you told me about.

Then you should've just said that. I told you that fetish story wouldn't fly.  

Well then, you shouldn’t have let her spread it around.

I know.

Wait a minute. You told her the fetish story wouldn't fly.

Eermm...

Why would you let her spread that around.

Well it was around the time I caught you with the girl next door.

You said you liked two girls!

You're not a girl! You just wear my clothes sometimes and I've been more than tolerant about that.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

Christ, she marrying that guy
In the same church
I’m bleeding on the cross
Only seems like yesterday
We planned that day
Till death do us run away
Plane, train, can’t explain
As far as life could throw me
All for you girl
You would be proud
Not right away
But someday
You would find me bleeding
Then you’d understand
The sacrifice
I made for you
Setting you free
Bringing you back to this day
The right time
Right guy
I stand behind the gravestone
Sinking
But happy in your happiness
Walking back to a life
I love
Watching people die around me
Still running
Setting you free..

Woke up this morning with a head
This is the curse when you try to change the world
Gave Mary just a slight hint Tony might be bedding Jill, Joan, not excluding Alice
Big John, definitely gay, but as I explained, Billy his partner was kissing May
Mark was salivating over the barmaid Rose
Godsakes man haven’t you heard, Rose used to be Fred
You could have heard a pin drop when the chuckle brothers walked in
Word on the street, Jill and Joan were in the family way
Which in any other circumstances would be okay
But everybody knew the brothers fired blanks, hence the chuckle reference amongst the ranks
Still, honour was at stake on that fateful night
A slight nod Tony’s way would start the fight
A knife to the heart was Tony’s plight
Then a voice cried out, you sure she’s a man
Well, Rose hit Mark with a pan
Big John head butted Billy
Who landed on Tony, and one of his cronies
Mary who had now lost the plot when Alice showed the ring Tony had bought
A bottle of bud over the head, put paid to Tony and his amorous ways
Rose stripped off shouting, does this look like a man
Mark got up seeing double as the chuckle brothers pushed him down again
Big John threw Billy into the air, landing on the chuckle brothers like Fred Astaire
The brothers took this as a blatant dare, shooting Billy without a care
Tony clocked Rose in her Sunday best, uttering the words, better than all the rest
This sent Mary totally insane, followed by Jill, Joan, Alice, and for some reason May
Guns were pulled, shots went astray, all aimed at Tony who looked on in dismay
The chuckle brothers in the way, killed outright on that fateful day
Legend has it, a crime of passion, no arrests were ever made
Tony fled the country, followed by Jill, Joan, and for some reason May
Mark and Rose fell in love, got married
Mary and Alice gave them away
Big John and Billy gave it another go
I was going to mention to him, but decided no
Not after all the advice I gave went untold
Still, this is the curse when you try to change the world
This is why I woke up with a head
Though, what a palaver
Was it something I said.

The dawn is breaking
Raindrops slowly trickle down the window
Winding in a circular motion
Finally falling to the ground
She listens to him breathing
The signs of *** lingering inbetween the wine and the ****
She looks around
Pictures hanging in rows
Someone else's memories
She tries to remember
There was a time
A long time ago
Faint picture of a girl
Innocent
Gone now
Why the hell does she torture herself
The girl has gone
Long gone
Turned to stone
Time for her to go too
Someday she would show them
Ram it down their throats
Someday she would walk through that door
Stare them in the face
She would tell them straight
I made it
The rain cleansed for a time
She felt pure
Someday
She would show them
Someday.

You parade they kids like a trophy
You tell me what I've missed
Crying, ***** nappies, and ****
Sure it must have been bliss
But you’re right
You have something to show
Blossom and grow
Something I’ll never know
But do you know what
I’ve seen a thousand sunrises
Killed all around the globe
Cried for the sake of crying
And yes, I’ve got nothing to show
But would I change it
Hell, no
So, ask the question
Why
Do I want to die
The answers no
Yet  the fear takes me back
Not so cool
Excitement, that’s for fools
Graves are full of those
I have this recurring dream about life
The clock is ticking down
I need to get to the otherside
But its never there
The search will end someday
It will be time to go
The clock is ticking for the life I know

I watch you across the crowded bar
Woman of beauty
Tantalising in every mans dream
I seek the words of wisdom
Then pause
Tomorrow I’ll walk away
Waste what should have been
A lifetime of hope and wonderment
To a life of freedom

I watch you across the crowded bar
Woman of beauty
You sense my pain
Like it was your own
In a way it is
Your beauty attracts
But they want to covet your entire being
They don’t see the strength within
They don’t see you

I watch you across the crowded bar
Woman of beauty
Fate sadly throws us together
Magnets for a time
Till that moment
When fear throws us apart
Destined to walk the passage of people
Clinging for only hope
In the abandonment of love.

I definitely won't be inviting you into my bed
I definitely won’t be making love with you
I definitely, definitely, definitely
You make me smile
Brought me back
Put the light back into my life
Seems strange I had to go through the pain to meet you
Life is a paradox I suppose
Tonight I’ll make you a special meal
Nice bottle of wine
You’ll tell me outrageous stories
That can't possible be true
Well I hope they’re not true
I’ll laugh and cry
Say thanks a thousand times more than I should
You’ll say I’m ready
Time to fly
I know
It’s been a journey
Just one last thing to do
I definitely won't be inviting you into my bed
I definitely won’t be making love with you
In the morning I’ll whisper in your ear
I love you
Later on
I’ll rejoin the world.

Ah, Timothy dear friend
Did she steal your heart
Cut you with those razor eyes of beauty
Break you in two
You’re just a man, mere mortal
Never in this world could you tie her down
No jewels, no cars, no house
Just free to take your soul
But you’ve been lucky dear friend
Bittersweet it may feel
No flesh to console
Just a heavy heart
Ah, Timothy dear friend
The game of love is cruel
But would you change it
No
We all want to be on
If only for a time
That beautiful journey.

Okay Jeff what have you brought in today.
Today Mary I’m going to show you the super juicer.
That’s a big one Jeff.
It sure is Mary, total satisfaction guaranteed.
What does it do Jeff.
Take this banana Mary, place it in the juicer.
What about the melons Jeff.
They’re a handful Mary, watch this.
My god Jeff, what a device.
See how it came there Mary.
Right Jeff, what can it do with pears.
Well Mary, I place the cream on the pears, what do you get.
Ecstasy Jeff, that hits the spot.
Now Mary, you may think this is just a juicer, but try it in this position.
My god Jeff.
Did it hit the spot Mary.
Did it ever.
What would you pay for a juicer like this Mary.
I would pay the earth Jeff.
Also Mary, there are three different speeds.
My god Jeff, horizontal, semi squat, and comatose.
Can you afford not to buy this Mary.
I can’t Jeff, it’s mine.
Mary, Mary come back, you can’t take it home with you

A good day there would be little blood
A bad day, she could paint the room
Though, that was a definite mistake
But then again, she was just a beginner
Not a ****** as such
She was never a ******
The stomach was the best place to cut
It was hidden
Like the guilt
Eating away everyday
Birthdays were the worse
His special occasion
You didn’t bleed so much from the stomach
The pain was also stronger
But it was a nice sort of pain
It belonged to her
The years have passed
Seemed strange
One more special occasion
The grandkids had never met him
They watched as the curtain closed on him forever
She turned away
Unconsciously touching her stomach.

The clock is ticking
Oh woman, the red dress
The one I started at nine, finished at four
Worshipped you at the changing rooms
Went the extra mile for the matching bag
Why do you keep me waiting
Oh woman, I stare in awe
You walk downstairs
Not in red, but black
With matching  bag
Like that was the way it was supposed to be
It then hit me
Slowly at first
Then the light shone through
That cataclysmic moment shook my entire being
Not realising the enormity of my find
I could see my face in Time magazine
Bold letters capturing the readers around the breakfast table
On billboards, buses passing by
The world would know
The red dress
The reason men go off to war.

It all came crashing down around us
Someone had to fire the first shot
He wasn’t happy
You killed him, that’s all wrong
The first shot is always a warning, it’s war etiquette
So strange, mother would have loved him, he had manners
God, she would say, you eat like an animal, use your knife and fork
Football mum, need to rush, big game today, come and watch us, it’s life and death
They wanted our piece of the hill
We wanted their piece of the hill
Rush, rush, take the hill, how many bullets can you ****
He wants to talk to them, Mr etiquette
You would be proud of him mum
So polite
They shot him like a dog
Rush, rush, take the hill, how many bullets can you ****
We killed them all
It’s now our hill
Did you see me mum, did you see me score
Were you too busy with your other son..

Dear Santa

I’m writing early this year
Especially after the debacle of last year
You delivered the **** underwear and the two day hotel break to my wife
What the hell were you thinking
Does my wife look like she can get into a size ten
You useless fat *******
Two days I had to suffer the wife parading herself
It was psychological torture
Swear to god, if I could’ve got my hands on you
Still swithering on sueing your fat ***
This year I’m going to lay it on the line
Deliver it to the wrong address
Your ** ** **, will be Oh oh oh
Do I make myself clear
Now listen up
Facepack and support tights
They go to the wife
Basque and french knickers, hotel included
Too the lover
Don’t make me go back to that hotel with the wife
Or I swear, you’ll be wearing that reindeer
Do you need a reminder
Have you got it now
Oh, and merry Christmas.

The Christmas tree shone brightening up the room
Decorations hung in splendour
Gifts lay beneath the tree
He was sat in his favourite armchair
A man at peace with the world
He would watch the children run down the stairs
The room would come alive as they opened their presents
A special present for the good lady
The noise drifted into the past
A long time ago
Seemed like yesterday
The accident
The Policewoman crying telling him the news
The day he died inside
Seventeen years now
Always the same ritual
Made the day seem right, special
Memories came flooding back
He sat down to rest
Slowly drifting off to sleep
They found him that way
In his favourite armchair
A man at peace with the world.

The waves pushed the body gently to the shore
So lifelike you expected words
But only the sea speaks for the dead
The story lasts for days, weeks, months
Some last forever
All lost souls walk on water for a time
A time to remember and say goodbye
The sea doesn’t portion blame
Asking no questions
Just becoming the guardian for a time
Before releasing the body to pastures new.