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Sep 2020 · 36
Feeling a sunset
my head is pressed against the white cover spread over the front lawn

I laid my body right under the sun wanting to feel it set.
...
Drifting

        Nnnn.  Drifting
                              ...
It feels a little cooler each time the sun sinks  lower
and the wind howls just a little louder each time I open my eyes to see dimmer patches of sunlight
Sep 2020 · 37
Expansive
love is expansive and gives a wide open field of flowers
not a narrow alley

it is patient, and teaches patience
it allows time for thought and time to collect oneself without the pressure of hurrying

so as my thoughts linger upon yours
I respect that you cannot be rushed
your far stretching freedom is always yours
wide as the eye can see

so I give you time my little self
and this time this self-love will grow deeper
Sep 2020 · 36
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.
And the day comes and the sun sets
and still I harbor so much love for you
that it takes me by surprise
and I dissolve like dust in the memory of you
Aug 2020 · 20
Thoughts
May the mind quiet
drift off
as the body does need sleep
and there is no need to hang  more weight
on a passing thought
You choose your path, no need for explanations, no need for apologies
there is no right or wrong way to live
as long as the soil nourishes then life will flourish
Aug 2020 · 43
Inch
I awoke one more day and the scent of gratitude overtook my nostrils

how the hills of thought become papers
ripped as all my ideas and limitations
tear away

I deserve the  beauty that inherently follows through on all that is living
giving it purpose
The dream of truly authentically loving everything I am
becomes tangible when I look into the mirror and I am not embarrassed or afraid of what calls to me ...I am eager to receive the abundant beauty, my rightful inherence.

Longing is the language of spirit; so I welcome longings and I inch towards them

and as this voice that guides me towards the healing becomes louder
– my being becomes clearer
Aug 2020 · 43
No needs (afloat)
I found myself wishing
I could give endlessly

how I deeply desired at one moment to put aside all my needs and try to have “no needs”

I kept reprimanding myself for wanting care, someone’s time or something  as simple as a letter. So fragile was my thick wall of “I have no needs” that all it took was a friend kindly saying to me “it is okay to have needs. You should have needs” to tear down that wall.

Everyone needs love and that is undeniable. No amount of “I have no needs” can keep you afloat.
Trying to see myself, even the not so nice parts, and accept them. I want to feel integrated.

I recently came to understand how I had mistreated myself by trying to “ have no needs”/ not be vulnerable.

I hope if anyone feels this way, this might help you. We’re all human beings doing the best we can. Our ugly parts do not define us or our potential to grow and live and love more fully.
You’re not alone; you should express your needs.
Aug 2020 · 28
By my side
I carry it
as a satchel
its’ strap hung across my chest

sometimes when I run
through the loops of time
and the great expanse of memory
it sways and thumps
against my hip

still I bring it with me
always choosing to carry its’ luminance
untouchable
by anyone else or anything else

inside the canvas of my bag
lies hope and it’s brilliant light
from birth
till the day of return
I venture with it by my side
choosing to keep it on
Aug 2020 · 29
.
.
I keep my hope close like a pillow
that I can rest my head upon
Aug 2020 · 59
A bee in a soda can
I saw a little bee caught in a can

It must of gotten stuck after feeding off of the remanence of a soft drink

“little bee, oh little bee we all get stuck sometimes”

I ran into the kitchen grabbed a knife and used it to poke a hole through the aluminum and then used a pair of scissors to cut open the can

“Little bee, we all deserve to be free”

Once I opened the soda can it did not fly out;  instead the little bee stayed, and I let it be.

I came back an hour later curious as could be and the little be had buzzed away at its own time with its own wings and at its desired speed.
Aug 2020 · 51
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.
There is a loving stream of light that embraces me. Never too far and never too weak in presence –always guiding me sheltering me with warmth. Years smile at this bravery to live and this inescapable joy to be authentic, authentic for the sake of my own happiness.
My greatest humanely wish is that I never lose my ability to accept discomfort that I hold it close so that I can make way for the new. I want my mind to continue to be renewed and to continue to be opened so discomfort is the song my heart sings to woo change into world
Aug 2020 · 81
Wildfires in my mind
Wildfires–

We are engulfed in fire
the soil dry and it becomes
drier
each year more homes
scorch
each year, the hottest year
recorded

                                ...

We are engulfed not just in California
as the flames rise higher but as a nation
surrounded by the indifference to facts

                               ...

Wildfires raging, images flashing from your screen
–wildfires in the mind igniting –
over the land and soon
over your old way of life

you burn too
slowly, inevitably
for the world is unmistakably one

one large fire of change made up of what
Galeano saw were small
little fires

ablaze creating fertile ground for new thought
Draft1
Aug 2020 · 37
Objects of memory
The objects of memory
are soft,
little fingers of a child
discovering the world for the first time
the texture of moss archived on their index and thumb

The objects of memory
are gentle,
kind words like  “muy bien” &“you did it”
as salt water drips down your cheeks and you exit the calm Pacific for the first time to be embraced after with a long soft towel

The objects of memory
are subjective
sometimes lost in the suppressed ocean of “too painful” & too lonesome hiding under a bed

The objects of memory
can be cold,
like the touch of a coffin you couldn’t  see over back when you were only a few feet tall or the feeling you got years after
as you stared from above at your grandparent or the touch of their hand as they lay there


The objects of memory
can be transcendent
like four hours of mediation finally
breaking away the clouds
As if it were mighty Poseidon
just to find Buddha under the bodi tree behind the Stratus cloud


the soothing waves of ocean
during your 100th brand new encounter
lingers in the fervent gleam of today
as you collect new objects of memory
Aug 2020 · 41
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.
May the voice that rises from your depths guide to what you need

May nothing frighten or threaten your path towards the vastness of your soul; it is only you who can hear it call.
Aug 2020 · 49
En sincronía
Al poner el oído al viento
puedo escuchar su ritmo
descalza sobre el asfalto
sonreío
porque no necesitó ojos
para bailar en sincronía a todo
There is so much beauty around
that I crack open all the time
let its’ light loveliness fill me
For if not in this lifetime when
when will the flowers sing to me ?
It is natural to be scared. Scared of the painful things but also scared of the loveliest of things,but we all are deserving of a beautiful human life.

if not in this lifetime then when will we meet the things that call us ?
Aug 2020 · 39
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.
When the words are heavy and the muck is thicker thread on, take a breathe, and then take another.

there is always a way
Aug 2020 · 24
The many
I let go of the many thoughts that walk into my realm of mind,
today is still here and so am I
I grow joyful just to feel the wind pick up
and this calmness surge from the steady breeze as presence cloaks me and sways me like the leaves
the flower blooms towards the sun
the coral reef becomes the home of the little fish
the path the water threads as it makes its way to the sea becomes the drinking source for all creatures below
all things show their love and appreciation
all things give, in one way or another  
when they ask me about you
I have to pause

how do you show care and appreciation ?
what’s your way?
I am eager to know the ways you bend
and soften
the ways you freely give
curious about your hair in the dark
or your hand holding mine in the light
patient and curious to know you
and the way you love
Aug 2020 · 30
A Thought of You
You are lovely
Have I ever told you?
Or have it kept it tucked within the two corners of my smile when the thought of you arises
Aug 2020 · 29
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.
May the steady rain trickle it’s song  over your umbrella and accompany you
sweetly while it pours over the streets you know.
Aug 2020 · 46
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Let gentleness be my way
let it lead me
direct me when my eyes must close
Aug 2020 · 65
.
.
pen over the blankness
hands drafting
their portion intuitively reimagined
Reimagining
Aug 2020 · 23
Untitled
i hang in there
i choose to trust you
i choose to give this a chance
i choose to hang in there
i chose to keep finding
the renewed strength
because choosing you is worth it to me
in choosing you
i also choose me
Aug 2020 · 52
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.
May the wind aid you
like it has aided the blue patches of sky that were revealed
as the clouds floated off

May the breeze not just cool you
but also clear away & soothe your inner climate  
and lower the chances of internal precipitation
Aug 2020 · 23
Time
Time became too painful so I rid myself of it
took its coat and hat from the rack and walked it out the door
Time is a concept which at this moment in my life i want to have it melt away.
Aug 2020 · 34
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May the days pass and may you know with all sincerity you are loved.
Aug 2020 · 41
slugging
Keep slugging, slugging...all the things I plan seem distant

whenever I turn around a bush thinking I am close, the road seems to stretch further

but I keep slugging, slugging...
at this point I’m calling on all my strength
to get me there

slugging, slugging my way in your direction
my mind is filled with thoughts
it weighs me down

It drafts fictitious stories
blurring up perceptions

my rambunctious brain
takes longer to calm
and to alleviate its self-induced headaches  

the renewed sun
and the brilliant leaves
the cool evening breeze coming from the coast
are anchors
as the theme of "prolongation" grips my left hand
I can only breathe and release while taking patience into my right hand
Aug 2020 · 36
Look (into existence)
Look at how beautiful you are when the thought of love opens up your arms to your own reflection
Look at that gleam in your eyes when you realize you deserve all there is
to a fruitful life
Look and be astounded
by the way your joy and your truth
are untouchable by shame, and embraceable by all who know this life is neither black or white
Look at you already so full of light
powerfully & unapologetically shinning into existence
Aug 2020 · 46
Cranium
curls that unravel and some that remain wavy unable to coil expansively over the field of hair follicles stretching across my cranium
Aug 2020 · 60
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May your eyes shine because you are a gemstone of a human
May you know that all my words are only guides that take you to the doorway of the beauty that you already posses

(May you know that I know no one is perfect, but I still so fervently love humanity)
Aug 2020 · 80
N & Y
May this be something with the potential of humanely beauty

Not:
one who gives and another who takes
that could be classified as exploitation

Not:
two selfish people who only expect from each other because if expectations are not fulfilled tyrants can grow resentful and angry

Yes:
to two people who give and nourish one another in this dance of life leaning on each other when needed, and springing back up on their own two feet so as to not lose themselves in the identity of each other

Yes: to partnerships deeper than personality and skin that bind at the spirit
and whose intimacy becomes richer with the years

Yes: to unconditional acceptance & love–
no judgement zones, the space to be openly flawed without shame
the dust beneath the feet of protestors
rises and still we try to grip a vision
that lies outside this framework         “bring me a more equitable world”  

the death tolls on newspapers
increase and yet some still need to find the decency
to put on masks                                 “bring me a more educated world”

the high number of environmental protection laws
reversed are narrowing not just of our own chances of survival
as a species  but those of all creatures                   
                                    ­                      “bring me a more sustainable world”

the lines at food banks and distribution centers
lengthen and yet the sum needed to feed the mouths of others
does not seem to be agreeable when drafting legislation                      
                                                               “­bring me a more compassionate
                                                                ­  world”
the great waiting  
seems to be in great motion        “bring me ...” I no longer need you to
                                                          bring me anything

                                                           I will bring it
                                                          I will venture out
                                                        I will create
                                                     I will learn more
                                                  I will open my own mind
                                               I will think for myself
                                                      

        ­            I do not need you to bring me anything
                      that paradigm is over;
                                             
                  ­                        I will go get it

                                           I
                                           will
                                           manifest
                                           it
          ­                                
draw parts of those lines  __             that will help connect us to it
draft:
needs specific examples and some research
Aug 2020 · 24
...longing
played too many albums and ran my fingers down too many cold pillows that at this point I should feel silly
which I do only because they aren’t you
I could never put into words until now
the warm sensation of menstrual blood trickling down my hand
or the smell of dried blood stuck to public hair
and how every time I walked passed the butchers or deli department at the local grocery store
I could recognize the smell of blood dripping from tissue left on white sheets displaying the cuts of meat
sheets the same color as the toilet paper I use every month
to examine the clumps of the ****** that flow downwards
to be born life-less much like a flank stake behind the glass case
****** stuff
Aug 2020 · 71
sea (tictoc del reloj)
sea la manera en la cual observas las cosas
o la manera en la cual escuchas
sea tu sonrisa o la forma en cual deslizás tus dedos sobre
el tablero de trastes
sea la amplia manera en la cual tu presencia llena un cuarto
sean las semanas que se hacen dias
sean ellas las que me traigan mas cercana a ti
con el tictoc del reloj
free write
escritura libre
"I choose spirit
the all-encompassing" I remind myself

I do not need to pack nice dresses
or many pairs of shoes
I do not need to take the rings
or earrings
not even the bracelets engraved with my name
I do not need to take books, old journals or certificates

I do not need to be what I have been
unless it submerges me deeper
into this sea that resides amongst my floating ribs
unless it guides me
down past the twilight zone and into the enveloping darkness
of the midnight aphotic zone where I can find
what the anglerfishes feed on/ what gives life when the warm light of the sun cannot follow
and plummet
like my will further down



until it can pierce through the veil of the material world

until I come back to this room as an angler fish and feed off the cocktail dresses and light  the dark deary rooms of the old home I grew up in with bioluminescent bacteria and have no need for shoes or jewels
free write: packing was on my mind
Aug 2020 · 95
Coalescing Prayer
One of my mother's best friends lost her mother.  She told us she would have risked the flight home but would have been quarantined for 14 days, and thus she would have still missed the funeral. Instead, she'd hold a service at a local Buddist temple in Long Beach, where the monks could help move her mother to the next stage.

...
We drove 20 minutes on the 710 Hwy to the temple. We pulled into the parking lot, walked to the entrance, took off our shoes, and then proceeded to look for her among the mid-sized crowd.

...
We met eye to eye and exchange greetings. Her slender frame and thin arms joined ours as we embraced.    

Simply, nothing could be said. Silence. No words from my mouth.
I could not think of a sentence that could alleviate her sorrow or could raise the landlocked wings of the jetplane she couldn't take.

...
My friend's mother is strong; a passing stranger on the street could easily mistake her petiteness for fragility, but as she walked back and forth aiding the monks and helping the staff at the temple prepare the food –her strides told you otherwise. It was clear that she mustered all her strength and kept it on her like a coat completing task after task. Someone else that might have kept their face stoic or pushed it all down, but she allowed herself to be all four seasons,as she continued to make her way through the temple.

...
White taped 'X''s spaced six-feet-apart over the carpet told you where to sit; we inclined our head and prayed, hoping the intention of our words would coalesce with theirs; that our Spanish could shed its cultural coat and join the energy of their prayers in Khmer.
In the time fo COVID, one of the hardest things you can do is try to travel. Whether it be from your home to the store or from the your country to another.

My mother's dear friend lost her mother and could not attend the funeral because of the current international situation.  As I have not yet lost a parent,t I cannot imagine how she must be feeling.

I try to process events through writing and so I wrote this.
Aug 2020 · 20
Your breath
drift into sleep and wake to a new day
there is no need to worry or carry heavy thoughts
let your body dissolve into the calm of your breath
Aug 2020 · 39
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You feel genuine to me
natural
a breeze with the right temperature
a soulful hand with profound brown eyes that sail like ships through this life’s ocean
your mainsail and jib that have weathered storms give me the courage to steer
Aug 2020 · 20
here, there, over there
I am here
in the vastness
surrounded by the best thoughts I can muster

I am there
in the openness
willing to accept these great opportunities for change

I am over there
waiting for the door to unlock
engulfed in hope, I patiently sit
listening to the mystery rattle its keys
as it stands outside over the welcome mat
Aug 2020 · 33
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May the slow falling of the rains
sing you a lulling song
Jul 2020 · 34
when you smile...
when you smile the sun recognizes itself on foot
when you smile the earth bears fruit
when you smile even though it has been rough, in you I see me
when you smile there is a gleam that emerges from your eyes
when you smile all dreams seem possible
when you smile, I do not take life for granted
when you smile, I want to be greedy and see you smile, again
when you smile continuously, I know it is your gift to the world
when you smile during these times, I am sure you have chosen joy
when you smile I am humbled at the beauty of your being and I am reduced to sifr "0 /zero" and at the same time I am irrefutably everything when you decide to smile we decide to smile, too lovingly and in the direction of the present & the future
Jul 2020 · 29
/listen
I fold over the cool sheets/ let my skin warm/
I have a headache/I want to rest now/ I read too much/ I forget to wear my glasses/  I am too curious for excuses so I made due by pressing the book closer to my face/ now I need to recuperate/ play music/ drink tea/ memorize silly puns/ lighten the load/ cleanse the soul/ stimulate gratitude/ light a candle/ call beauty by its name/ come into presence/ listen
Jul 2020 · 456
Unclaimed (Hart Island)
Off the coast of the Bronx
at the western end of Long Island
before ships landed: the home of the Siwanoy tribe
once the training ground of the 31st U.S Colored Infantry Regiment
according to records, a prisoner of war camp in 1864
later referred to as  "Potter's Field" or "City Cemetery"
then a quarantine station for yellow fever patients
as well as a women's psychiatric hospital & a tubercularium
on the west side of the islands
between an empty 4-acre space lived Solomon Riley's vision of black coney island during Jim Crow  
after the stay and departure of Pheonix house
Hart Island
now is the final resting ground for New York City's covid-19 victims
whose family could not or did not hire a private funeral director and so they were labeled "unclaimed"
Tragically, over 150,000 people have lost their lives and continue losing them.
I saw a picture of a mass grave and traced its location to New York City's Hart Island.  
I wanted to research what victims of Covid-19 were being buried at Hart Island in New York City's mass graves. I also wanted to explore the location's history in tandem.
Overall, it just breaks my heart that federal negligence has contributed to the loss of life. A first world nation with one of its wealthiest cities burying bodies in a mass grave; this is the state of the United States of America. I wish it weren't so.
I start counting the little blades of grass, one by one the day seems more abundant with life and more open to growth than what I could have imagined.
Jul 2020 · 59
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May whatever comes your way dear
make ya' smile
may whatever view is framed
by your window awaken the timeless
beauty in ya'
for you too are reflected within it
let the swaying trees outside gently whisper 
towards your direction  "you are our brother"
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