and then
someone said
why don’t you marry me
instead?

when everyone left
I found myself alone
not for the first time
but nevertheless
alone

It seems too easy to say
I love you
I want to say I love
the total uniqueness of you
the difference of you
the boldness of you
the look of you
the laugh out loud of you
the kindness of you
the difference from me of you
the sameness of me of you
the I will do it anyway of you
the **** the world of you
the arrogance of you
the humility of you
the soft spaces of you
the late  night tears of you
it seems too easy to say I love you
the perfect perfectness of you
but hey
I want to say it anyway!

If I live to be two  hundred and ten
actually if I live until
next Tuesday
I will never love again
as I have loved you.

even when
I wasn’t in love
with you
when I couldn’t
catch the feeling
even when
the two of us
were lost in
a New York evening
even when
we were drowning in
noise and confusion
even when
we saw life
in different colours
even when
you were big
and I was small
even when
I was big
and you were small
even when I was here
and you were gone
even when you were there
and I was gone
even then
even then
I knew we’d get here
arrival times may differ
check with your carrier
but I knew we’d get here
even then
somehow
I knew we’d get here
and against the odds
*******
here we are
have we got there
are we here?

Here’s the thing
the missing
never leaves
we just learn
that love
is just as real
from afar.

when the party was over
and the balloons hit the floor
when yet again
there was just me and you
I was glad as always
that you were just you
and I was just me
annoying as that can be
to the masses
in all honesty
Who the **** else would
we  ever want to be?

I don’t know where
I’m going
but I know
I can’t leave you
behind

This is a hand
I never wanted to play
these are the  words
I never wanted to say
you are the human
I never
ever  sought to shame
and yet…….

I will block out
the two hundred poems in my head
and write this one
for you
instead.

I wanted more
that’s for sure
a slow dance
a quick gin
I wanted more
that’s for sure
a romance
an easy grin
I wanted more
that’s for sure
a sunset walk
a little talk
I wanted more
that’s for sure
a few stars
maybe less bars
I wanted more
that’s for sure
the moon
if not the stars
I wanted more
that’s for sure
a bit more real
a bit less zeal
I wanted more
I needed more
and that my friend
well that , my friend
that’s for sure.

Where in the world
could someone find someone like you
who needs to be applauded for simply
getting out of bed
in the morning
Where in the world
could someone find someone like you
who needs to be adored from
midnight till dawning
Where in the world
could someone find someone like you
who when people are talking
replies with loud yawning
Where in the world
could someone find someone like you
Where in the world
Where in the world?

call me a fool
if I have said too much
I have been called more
from the ones I love
for thinking this much

if you will let
the words you
say
stand still
and strong
then
so will I
I will dance with
my words
deep into tonight
and way into
our unknown
tomorrow

words drip
easily
like melted ice
from my lips
drown
the words
I am so desperately
trying
to say.

I miss you
god, here  it is.
now, at last
it’s been said
out loud
no words
no rhymes
can describe
how much I miss you
or
who I am
without you
or
the fact
that
I miss you
here it is
out loud
at last
I miss you
now it’s said.

I need a moment
to collect my thoughts
breath in
collect my thoughts
I certainly don’t want to speak
out of sorts
okay, I’m there
I am calm
so here is what I have
to say
let me breath in
and calmly
and zen like
almost Buddhism  like
say to you
could you just do me a favour
and
**** the *******!

You never asked me
to dance
I just wanted
to dance
from the moment
I met you

Something in my heart
and a little bit my head too
tells me
this is absolutely the wrong thing
to do
the B road
the wrong road
I hear my Momma’s warning
I see myself
tomorrow morning
but I’m going  in anyway
and I’m going in deep
see you on the other side
of the wrong thing to do

I know you couldn’t leave me
if you tried
You know I couldn’t leave you
if I tried
and so the golden ink
of trying
burns sacred scars
upon our souls.

my voice is a burden
you don’t need
my words a worry
you don’t need
my serious about serious
you don’t need
my noisiness about noise
you don’t need
my simpleness about simple
you don’t need
my pureness about pure
you don’t need
my world upon yours
you really  really
don’t need
my version of love
you honestly don't need.

I went to sleep last night
with someone
I hardly know
I woke up this morning
with someone
I don’t want to know
I went to sleep last night
like I always do
alone.

here’s my smile
you always said you liked it
not sure I own it anymore
take it
not sure I want it anymore
and
you always said you liked it.

What are you talking about
It doesn’t matter
You said
What are you talking about
It’s all that matters
I said
What are you both shouting about
Our child said.

inky sunsets
and a sun so high
girls that fly
and a  tense goodbye
unfulfilled promises
dreams let down
waves on the shore
souls that feel sore
pain in your heart
a struggle to part
I know the words
that make a poem
go high
just can’t write them
tonight
it would probably make
me cry.

of all the boys
I have
ever regretted
and there have been a fewl
I only ever
regretting
resisting
You!

Sundays and
sun downs
sad days
and being arounds
always makes me feel
like better not
to be around
right not.

the last time you called
you said you missed me
the last time you missed me
was when you called.

and then
just as I dressed
in an unusual style
flicked my tongue
over my newly bought smile
looked in the mirror
thought
okay. this ain’t a trial
you called
like I always knew
you would.

I loved our love
the loudness of it
the laughing out loud of it
the easy fit of it
the we’re okay with it
the we didn’t care of it
the boldness of it
the badness of it
the airiness of it
the very sound of it
the endless song of it
the ***** the world of it
the world is ours of it
the very essence of it
the us being us of it
the loving  each other of it
I loved our love
I know you did too
when in world
did it happen
when did the us in us
become the end of us.

if I could
be anyone
in the world
I could be
I would wake up
tomorrow
and be you

stop me before
I leave
say the words
I need to hear
before I know
what they are
lock the doors
I have no keys for
think the thoughts
I never thought
before
show me
love.
no one has ever known
before

heal me
you said
I hear you
I said
save me
you said
I will try
I said
but actually
I haven’t got
the
friggin’ energy
I said.

it was late
it was a good time
just as I was leaving
guess what I found
someone who looked
just like you
staring out
from the bottom
of my bottle
well ….
that ain’t right.

I will love you
‘till the feeling comes back
again.

If I die young
which we both know can’t happen now
do me a favour
lie to everyone
tell them
I died too young
nobody will disagree
do t for fun
do it just for me!

Stay
exactly as you are
Stay
right where you are
Stay true
Stay blue
You’re doing okay
Stay strong
Stay wrong
Stay true
to who you are
Stay you
Stay exactly where you are

Can we
hang on
can we
be good
can we
hold on
can we
be strong
can we
breathe on
can we
feel on
can we
live on
can we
against the odds
still believe
can we
still  breathe
on?

somebody
pour  me a drink
pour me a life
pour me a lie
somebody
tell me
it’s okay to cry.

We still have
a small chance
a window, if you will
to be
the kind of family
we always wanted
to be
that we should be
but the clock
is ticking
and ticking
and ticking
so loudly
it is beginning  to silence
the decent and real
tiny parts of me

I am looking for you
seems like
I am looking through you
where did you go?

we flit around
like  butterflies
feelings
like circles of smoke
disappear upon touch
emotions
like breath on a freezing morning
visible but unwelcome
we flit around
from table to table
words
like confetti at a wedding
abundant but never heard.

so this is what a final Goodbye  feels like
the knowledge that there will be no
right of reply
no thinking it over tomorrow
and deciding we were wrong
no we said too much
no let’s keep in touch
no lets fume for a week
and have coffee next Friday
no let’s talk it out again
and say sorry for playing games
this is the game
that was the game
we lost
no chance to regain
you are gone
from this earth
so this is what a final goodbye feels like.

There is a man in my life
says he knows who I am
even knows my name
calls me by it everyday
how strange
I don’t know his name
although
I might have
maybe even would have
probably could have
if………

let me hear you laugh
let me hear you cry
let me watch you die
into another evening
without try
let me cry
without voice
with no invoice
in the post
let me try.

I live within realms
of silence
I so want to relinquish
yet cannot

I will leave your love here
in the graveyard of regret
because I cannot take it with me
the burden
the memory
the joy
the pain
the  love
the almost
the lovely
too heavy
for my already
heartbroken
weakened heart.

word on the street
is you’ve been looking
for my heart
truth be told
it’s not that hard to find
in fact
I wear it on my sleeve
most Monday afternoons
Tuesday evenings
yes, those too.

when dawn
broke
so did I

let it be
let it lie
if you will
let’s be still
yes, I will
I will be still
a bit  against
my will
but I will
nevertheless be still
at least
for now