the last time you called
you said you missed me
the last time you missed me
was when you called.

and then
just as I dressed
in an unusual style
flicked my tongue
over my newly bought smile
looked in the mirror
thought
okay. this ain’t a trial
you called
like I always knew
you would.

I loved our love
the loudness of it
the laughing out loud of it
the easy fit of it
the we’re okay with it
the we didn’t care of it
the boldness of it
the badness of it
the airiness of it
the very sound of it
the endless song of it
the ***** the world of it
the world is ours of it
the very essence of it
the us being us of it
the loving  each other of it
I loved our love
I know you did too
when in world
did it happen
when did the us in us
become the end of us.

if I could
be anyone
in the world
I could be
I would wake up
tomorrow
and be you

stop me before
I leave
say the words
I need to hear
before I know
what they are
lock the doors
I have no keys for
think the thoughts
I never thought
before
show me
love.
no one has ever known
before

heal me
you said
I hear you
I said
save me
you said
I will try
I said
but actually
I haven’t got
the
friggin’ energy
I said.

it was late
it was a good time
just as I was leaving
guess what I found
someone who looked
just like you
staring out
from the bottom
of my bottle
well ….
that ain’t right.

I will love you
‘till the feeling comes back
again.

If I die young
which we both know can’t happen now
do me a favour
lie to everyone
tell them
I died too young
nobody will disagree
do t for fun
do it just for me!

Stay
exactly as you are
Stay
right where you are
Stay true
Stay blue
You’re doing okay
Stay strong
Stay wrong
Stay true
to who you are
Stay you
Stay exactly where you are

Can we
hang on
can we
be good
can we
hold on
can we
be strong
can we
breathe on
can we
feel on
can we
live on
can we
against the odds
still believe
can we
still  breathe
on?

somebody
pour  me a drink
pour me a life
pour me a lie
somebody
tell me
it’s okay to cry.

We still have
a small chance
a window, if you will
to be
the kind of family
we always wanted
to be
that we should be
but the clock
is ticking
and ticking
and ticking
so loudly
it is beginning  to silence
the decent and real
tiny parts of me

I am looking for you
seems like
I am looking through you
where did you go?

we flit around
like  butterflies
feelings
like circles of smoke
disappear upon touch
emotions
like breath on a freezing morning
visible but unwelcome
we flit around
from table to table
words
like confetti at a wedding
abundant but never heard.

so this is what a final Goodbye  feels like
the knowledge that there will be no
right of reply
no thinking it over tomorrow
and deciding we were wrong
no we said too much
no let’s keep in touch
no lets fume for a week
and have coffee next Friday
no let’s talk it out again
and say sorry for playing games
this is the game
that was the game
we lost
no chance to regain
you are gone
from this earth
so this is what a final goodbye feels like.

There is a man in my life
says he knows who I am
even knows my name
calls me by it everyday
how strange
I don’t know his name
although
I might have
maybe even would have
probably could have
if………

let me hear you laugh
let me hear you cry
let me watch you die
into another evening
without try
let me cry
without voice
with no invoice
in the post
let me try.

I live within realms
of silence
I so want to relinquish
yet cannot

I will leave your love here
in the graveyard of regret
because I cannot take it with me
the burden
the memory
the joy
the pain
the  love
the almost
the lovely
too heavy
for my already
heartbroken
weakened heart.

word on the street
is you’ve been looking
for my heart
truth be told
it’s not that hard to find
in fact
I wear it on my sleeve
most Monday afternoons
Tuesday evenings
yes, those too.

when dawn
broke
so did I

let it be
let it lie
if you will
let’s be still
yes, I will
I will be still
a bit  against
my will
but I will
nevertheless be still
at least
for now

what I really want to write
are the poems I didn’t write
the poems that I read
deep and profound
what I really want to see
are the things I never see
feelings lost to me
what I really want to write
are the words I didn’t  know
that
I  didn’t know
what I really want to write
are the things
I suspect I may
never know
but I really want to write them
anyhow

can I let every little thing
that makes me me
flow out of me
naturally  
or do
I have to check myself in at the door?

our love
which was once
an event
a waterfall
a crescendo
splendid enough that
people would queue
for hours
just to to see it
I get it
I would queue too
to see
our love
our love
is now just
a trickle
that no one
is interested enough
to get out of bed for
it’s just not
that special
anymore
in all honesty
it’s just not that interesting
to anyone
not even to
to you and me
anymore

Autumn
is closing in now
have you seen the leaves ?
the sun is lower now
do you feel relief?

I loved you
yesterday
or at least
I tried
but you were you
yesterday
or at least
you tried

I live
with the person
I aspire to
be

I have no plan
neither do you
at our age
everyone has a plan
it’s  the least we can do
to prove
it was worth
the laughter and the pain
and yet
we have no plan
what’s going on
tricky to explain
for god’s  sake
someone
anyone
make a ****** plan!

I cannot find
the right words
and nor can you
so we choose
silence.

I was born
yesterday
but I do my best
to live
today

Can someone  teach me
how to be
the woman
my mother always said
I should be?

I heard you came home. last night
or the night before
our town is a small town
news is never quite up to date
still
I heard you came home last night
and  I wonder
what the **** does that
feel like?

I see
you want me to applaud
your love
but
sadly I can’t
on this occasion
happily
I’m all clapped out

Millions of words
reign down upon my head
each day
if I could absorb half
I would be a hero
to myself
as it goes
I feel
the noise of too many voices
hurt my soul
create a hole
even I
cannot climb out of.

I see you now
in the cold light
of day
and I remember
how much
we have
forgotten

I think of them fondly now
in truth
I hardly knew my father
but I knew that he loved me
in truth
I was a little afraid of my mother
but I I knew that she loved me
in truth
just three of us left now
maybe we just tolerate each other
in truth
I know that we love each other  
in truth
like my folks always said we would.

all I want
is to find you
to know you
to be you
to understand you
to hear you
to have space for you
all I want
is for you
to understand me
to find me
to hear me
to know me
have space for me
all I want
is to know you
and for you
to know me too
and then
I think
we would never wage war.

and after we slept
we awoke
as is the path
to a tomorrow
of division
same species
all human
growling at each other
in the dark

I know you
but
you don’t know me
I know every thought going through your
head
You know me
but
I don’t know you
you know every though going through my
head

I could spend all night
and deep into tomorrow
listening to your song
You are a melody
awaiting a tune
hang on!

I love the bits of  you
you can’t see
because
I suspect
you shield
the world
from seeing them too

Tomorrow
we talk about
all the time
today slips
through our fingers
undefined,

I am not easy to
love
this much I know
I have let go of
love
this much I know
I have laughed at
love
this much I know
I have cried for
love
this much I know
I have screamed for
love
this much I know
I would die for
love
this much I know
I have loved for
love
this much I know
I have missed out on
love
this much I know
I  have known true
love
this much I know

when someone says
I love you
take it
embrace it
silence the questions
in your heart
when someone says
I love you
silence
the young child
within
you have lost.

After all
the love was cleared  away
the laughter and the joy
two hundred people
sweeping
all our dreams away
into black plastic sacks
smiling as they worked
never knowing the slack
yet smiling  knowingly
at our lack
even  after all that
we still
drove home
celebrated our success
Yes
unbelievably
even
knowing all that
we celebrated our success.

I know the meaning of love
I know you say
you do too
and perhaps  you do
but
I know the meaning of love
the crying out loud of love.
the desperate despair of love
the doubt of love
the reaching out of love
the pure joy of  love
the desperation of love
the don’t do this of love
the endless hope of love
the not feeling all right of love
the wonder if this is love
the question of can this be love
the sadness of love
the screaming out of love
the tears of love
the pure joy of love
the I can’t do this anymore of love
the right of love
the wrong of love
the me in love
I know the meaning of love
I know you say
you do too
and perhaps you do.

I guess this time
I’m really leaving
I guess this time
you can see
my heart is  really
bleeding