i would've done anything for you;
the feeling wasn't mutual.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i had always been so hard to love. and i'm sorry for the both of us that you ever did. bc it breaks my ******* heart knowing that i can't be loved by you anymore.
it ******* ***** bc it was so obvious to me that your love is no longer to me.
once i laid my head onto my bed and my thoughts started collecting it was so easy to see that we weren't meant to be.
it has to be the worst feeling in the world knowing that i was wrong about us. about you.
your forever must be a lot shorter than mine bc we were just passing two months and now there's nothing.

and it really hurts to know that i'm the problem. i know you said i wasn't but you also said you lost your attraction of me. how am i supposed to live with myself. i wish i didn't have to. live with myself knowing that the man i love can't even see beauty in me. that's so sad. that breaks my heart. it makes me feel like nothing. i can't bare looking in my mirror bc i know what i'll see is something unloved. i only need to be loved by one person and even you can't do that anymore.

and i want no pity from you. i just want you to know that everytime someone calls me beautiful i won't be able to believe it bc i'll run your words through my head and be reminded of who i really am.

it's just hard.
hard to know that the best ******* thing that has happened to me is over.

i hope the next girl is pretty.

don't talk to me about addiction
when you can still brush your teeth sober
act like you're too troubled to be a friend to me
when you're getting high, you just dont care

when you call, i get that feeling
like i just finished sobbing
choked up and dried out and exhausted
i get drunk and want to talk to you anyways

this is not about me being angry
this is not about how i used to see us
naked at the west end of humanity
the last two living souls, me and you,
naked in the wreckage of the world,
the opposite adam and eve

i should've understood sooner
that there's nothing romantic
about being the villian, no matter
how very much in love you are

this is about me, asking you to let me tell you
about the times i almost jumped off mountains
and then let me tell you why i didn't

there's more to being human
than embracing the mistakes you make
building a home out of apologies and
"i've been ****** up"s and
"you don't deserve this" -
when they tell you that it's okay
because you're only human,
they're reminding you to embrace
not only the bad, but the good too

life is a lot harder when you have no one to turn to.

why yes,
i have friends.
and yes,
we hang out sometimes.

but that doesn't mean i'm not alone.

saturday night:
we go to a party and get drunk as hell.
then i sober up for a half of an hour before i go home to my parents.
what a great night.
but then it's 4am and i'm shaking in my bed because i'm terrified of my thoughts.
there's no where to run and no one to comfort me.
because if i ever say how i really feel,,
they'll know how mentally unstable i am
or they'll think i say it for attention.

i think of myself as a selfless person
but even i need to talk about myself sometimes.
(i'm sorry for that by the way)
but when i do want to talk you can't seem to find the time.

i didn't mean to bother you i really am sorry i just don't know where to go sometimes.

*i am constantly searching for a corner to hide in but i find myself in the center of a circle that i don't want to be in anymore.

is it right to still call this love?
being in a relationship is to make each other better but i can assure you i've never been worse and i'm afraid it's never going to get better. i keep telling you it will all be okay and that everything happens for a reason but i can't tell you how many dark hours i've spent trying to find that reason. you've hurt me so badly i've run out of feelings. i just want to feel something. i'd ask you to punch me but i think the back stab was enough of a wound to my body. to others, your weapon may only look like a butter knife but i'd just like to say if you stab someone hard enough, no matter what you use it hurts like a *****. since you were the one holding the knife it hurt worse than falling into hell. so recently ago i thought you fell from heaven. i kept saying he's too good to be true. did i find my perfect guy? i guess i spoke a little too soon. you were too good to be true and i think it's time to get my vision checked bc through my eyes i still see you as the one. i was thinking long term for us but now i'm not so sure if i was in love with you or the idea of us. i'm sorry for questioning that but why would someone you love do that to you? still searching for the answer. i think i'm finally done bleeding out but let me just say i lost a lot more than just blood last night. this **** on my chest is huge i don't know how you made it so large. i just want you to help me mend it. but you can't because you're still shaken up from the damage you've done. i'm the one lying in the hospital bed but you're the one who's crying. i don't know what else to tell you. how often do you hear about the victim apologizing? i can say this is no normal case but i still need to hear you defend yourself. i keep looking down at where my heart was and i can't seem to find anything there anymore. i really need you to be here for me but you aren't. i don't know where to go but for some odd reason i want you by my side at my next destination. i know this is going to scar. i don't think it will ever go away and you told me if that's what i believe i should just quit. but how do i walk away from a guy like you? i'm staring at the facts but the more i look the more it seems your mistakes are being erased by the idea of the man i thought you were.

i'm sorry for getting blood on your shirt.

please tell me you still love me.