This is on a bus back from camp. I’m thirteen and so are you. Before I left for camp I imagined it would be me and three or four other dudes I hadn’t met yet, running around all summer, getting into trouble. It turned out it would be me and just one girl. That’s you. And we’re still at camp as long as we’re on the bus and not at the pickup point where our parents would be waiting for us. We’re still wearing our orange camp t-shirts. We still smell like pineneedles. I like you and you like me and I more-than-like you, but I don’t know if you do or don’t more-than-like me. You’ve never said, so I haven’t been saying anything all summer, content to enjoy the small miracle of a girl choosing to talk to me and choosing to do so again the next day and so on. A girl who’s smart and funny and who, if I say something dumb for a laugh, is willing to say something two or three times as dumb to make me laugh, but who also gets weird and wise sometimes in a way I could never be. A girl who reads books that no one’s assigned to her, whose curly brown hair has a line running through it from where she put a tie to hold it up while it was still wet.
Back in the real world we don’t go to the same school, and unless one of our families moves to a dramatically different neighborhood, we won’t go to the same high school. So, this is kind of it for us. Unless I say something. And it might especially be it for us if I actually do say something. The sun’s gone down and the bus is quiet. A lot of kids are asleep. We’re talking in whispers about a tree we saw at a rest stop that looks like a kid we know. And then I’m like, “Can I tell you something?” And all of a sudden I’m telling you. And I keep telling you and it all comes out of me and it keeps coming and your face is there and gone and there and gone as we pass underneath the orange lamps that line the sides of the highway. And there’s no expression on it. And I think just after a point I’m just talking to lengthen the time where we live in a world where you haven’t said “yes” or “no” yet. And regrettably I end up using the word “destiny.” I don’t remember in what context. Doesn’t really matter. Before long I’m out of stuff to say and you smile and say, “okay.” I don’t know exactly what you mean by it, but it seems vaguely positive and I would leave in order not to spoil the moment, but there’s nowhere to go because we’re are on a bus. So I pretend like I’m asleep and before long, I really am.

I wake up, the bus isn’t moving anymore. The domed lights that line the center aisle are all on. I turn and you’re not there. Then again a lot of kids aren’t in their seats anymore. We’re parked at the pick-up point, which is in the parking lot of a Methodist church. The bus is half empty. You might be in your dad’s car by now, your bags and things piled high in the trunk. The girls in the back of the bus are shrieking and laughing and taking their sweet time disembarking as I swing my legs out into the aisle to get up off the bus, just as one of them reaches my row. It used to be our row, on our way off. It’s Michelle, a girl who got suspended from third grade for a week after throwing rocks at my head. Adolescence is doing her a ton of favors body-wise. She stops and looks down at me. And her head is blasted from behind by the dome light, so I can’t really see her face, but I can see her smile. And she says one word: “destiny.” Then her and the girls clogging the aisles behind her all laugh and then she turns and leads them off the bus. I didn’t know you were friends with them.
I find my dad in the parking lot. He drives me back to our house and camp is over. So is summer, even though there’s two weeks until school starts. This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and ****. But that’s not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus.


I still haven't.

When every marriage is a same *** marriage
Same *** everyday , monotonous
we Lost God , never prayed , forgotten us
Lost love, never say just like our parents
Too much power ain't enough power
Brain splattered like I've fallen off a watch tower
And anybody can walk into any Denny's
And wait until I'm walking in it
With a gun that they 3D printed and finish it
Kinison said if you gonna miss heaven...
Why do it by two inches? Old money and new girls..

Before /

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Weeks. Months.
I miss it. It vibrates through my skin, through my arms.
I love you. And everything about you. Even when you would frustrate me. I miss that.
I had you. You weren't perfect nor was I but I saw you as perfect.
I began to change even with the three months I was gone.
I wanted to change. I needed.
Many countless times before I never did and it always repeated over and over.
But I actually did.
No longer was I doing the same things.
Everything was perfect, we were both so lame but I wouldn't trade our days together for anything. I'd love to be there with you, look at you, and kiss you. And know. She. Is. Mine. All mine.
But in the extent of a week and a half I let it all go by doubting that shed stay with me even through out everything these nightmares would ring louder and louder every night.
I fell apart. She never done me wrong. I didn't even deserve her but God turned her heart to give me one last chance and I blew it.
I miss you. I don't even know why I did it honestly.

After /
Everything echoes out what we were. Every where I look I remember, we had a memory.
Remember the songs you'd put on and id look at you weird? I listen to them daily now and think of your smile.
How easy is it for you? I need you I need you. Let me fight for us. Let me have an approval from you.
Let me know you still think of me. That you heart still cries out love for me. That I'm still the only one.

I became a *****.

But I want to be the man God has for you.
With you back I'll delete all these social media networks because they'll be no use to me.
I'll have you and only your contact to message and talk to.
I have no friends.
You know this.
You were my only one.
The one that knew what I wanted, what I liked and what I yearned for.
Without you I have lost motivation to do anything! I'm always in the stumps I honestly don't even see me having a future now without you. That's just me being honest not even just saying that. God gave me you for a reason and I didn't fully understand till now.
My deepest apologies.
I want you. I need you.
I need my Alette.
I have lost hope and interest in everything without you..

I once had exclusive access to you, before you wanted things your way. I would talk, you would listen breathlessly. You would talk, I'd stop everything just to hear you share your thoughts. I created things and I let you name them all. I gave you everything and you wanted for nothing. I walked with you daily. Beside the running streams we would spend pleasant afternoons watching the waters run by endlessly. I would pass my fingers through your hair as you lay down. I'd touch your face and you'd awake with a pure smile, innocent as a dove. Remember the doves? You picked that name for them and another name they'll never know. Not one day have I forgotten. Our time together I'll treasure forever. I'll never forget a single smile, a single sunrise, a single word, a single moment. I'll treasure my time with you beyond the folding of ages.

We had it all together. I had you and you had me, and the trust between us was the most pristine serenity. I told you that I loved you. I showed you that I loved you. I gave everything, because I love you, but you wanted more than I could give. You wanted to see beyond the trees that marked the outer edge of our peaceful garden. You wanted to go where the light did not reach. You wanted to taste the fruit that spoils. You wanted to feel the soil that dries out quickly. You wanted to hear the voice of liars. You wanted to know the sensation of falling down. So one day I lead you out beyond the sweeping cedars at the gardens edge. Unable to deny your choice and keep your love, I let you go with a heaviness in my heart that towers above the mountains I look down upon as I look over you. When you left I vowed to never walk the garden again. I placed an unbreakable seal on the entrance, least anything defile the memories I hold as sacred.

Do you remember our pristine garden? Do you remember our endless days? Do you remember our timeless walks? Do you remember our breathless talks? Do you remember our time together? Do you remember me like I remember you? I haven't forgotten. Not a moment has escaped my mind. I gave you all the goodness you've ever known, but you had to test the troubled waters.

I am still in love with you. I am still reaching out to you. Do you remember when I gave you roses by the acre? I remembered that as I bore my crown of thorns. Do you remember when I gave you a partner of your own kind? I remembered that when I was abandoned by everyone that I loved. Do you remember when I called you my friend? I remembered that when I was kissed by my betrayer. Do you remember when we watched the waters flow by the stream? I remembered that when my blood poured out in rivers. Do you remember when you told me that you'd never hurt me? I remembered that when I hung from the nails. Do you remember when you asked me how much that I loved you? I remembered that when I spread my arms and died for you.

I once had exclusive access to you, and I've given everything to have you back. The garden I once made is now overgrown with pain and sorrow, so I made you a heaven. Come back to me and I'll never let you go again. I've waited so long and I've stayed true to you. Everything I have is yours. Everything I am is love.
                                                   Come home.

things we fear in life is
            when we are really alone



maybe to be alone is to be alive,


I WHISPERED softly to where noone could hear us,


I'm sorry that we are so lonely.