What’s the hardest thing
you will ever do?

Be ok
with who you are

The difference WAS I knew all your bad
The difference WAS I told you everything. You KNEW more about me than anyone else ever.
The difference WAS I WAS there to hold you when you WERE down. I WAS there to raise you up when you WERE on the ground
The difference WAS I cried with you
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I talked about our future with
The difference WAS I knew you WERE having trouble and weren’t in a good place and loveD (?) you anyways
The difference WAS we WERE going to brush and straighten your hair
The difference WAS we WERE going to go hot tubbing The difference WAS a fault in our stars
The difference WAS the best book ever
The difference WAS I could die laughing at my jokes and you wouldn’t think badly of me
The difference WAS you WERE going to be the first person I loveD and the first person I COULD have told that to
The difference WAS I WOULD have been there at three in the morning if you needED me
The difference WAS Pride and Prejudice
The difference WAS stegosaurus hair
The difference WAS music
The difference WAS Ted Talks
The difference WAS John Vervake
The difference WAS spur of the moment star gazing
The difference WAS spiders in your hair
The difference WAS you WERE my hand coolers and I WAS your hand warmers
The difference WAS black licorice
The difference WAS I WAS there when you relapsed The difference WAS you hated dance monkey
The difference WAS give me and _ give me a _ give me a _ give me a _ go _!
The difference WAS I wrote four songs and five poems for you in a month because I thought you careD and I DIDN’T care about you not being in a good place. We WOULD have gotten through it together
The difference WAS you said you WERE scared to lose me
The difference WAS I fell asleep with you every night
The difference WAS Guichi spelled g-u-I-c-h-I
The difference WAS Trashcanpaul
The difference WAS your terrible mic voice
The difference WAS dum dum dum diabetes
The difference WAS you showed me your favorite booth at acoustic
The difference WAS I said that I COULD love you and you said you COULD love me too
The difference WAS moth memes
The difference WAS street lamps
The difference WAS bless me
The difference WAS scrunching
The difference WAS you asked me to be there and I said yes and you said no
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Mamma Mia The difference WAS laughing at the stupid things
The difference WAS you were going to be my date to the FLC dance if you said yes
The difference WAS that you thought
The difference WAS you thought and shared rawly
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Nacho Libre
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I stayed up to six am for
The difference WAS we read together
The difference WAS we WERE going to write a chipotle and The Best Book Ever song together
The difference WAS Tacos by Tyler
The difference WAS Lemons at three
The difference WAS Elsa Roonie Fiona
The difference WAS stars on an empty night
The difference WAS dad jokes
The difference WAS Jeremy the book
The difference WAS you WERE my first real kiss
The difference WAS I WOULD have been there through the thick and thin
The difference WAS, WAS that a thinking sigh?
The difference WAS I reached out to Lillianna to email you
The difference WAS you shared your music with me
The difference WAS Holding on to you
The difference WAS our handshake
The difference WAS that hug after acoustic that Saturday night
The difference WAS your eyes moved too fast
The difference WAS Ninja The difference WAS “how lucky am?”
The difference WAS _ silence
The difference WAS I only got to say goodnight to you twice... and never again
The difference WAS you WOULD smile and bite your tongue
The difference WAS what are you thinking
The difference WAS what are you feeling
The difference WAS running
The difference WAS I WAS going to bring you to YOU
The difference WAS we WERE going to go stand up paddleboarding on cedar lake
The difference WAS we WERE going to canoe into the sunrise
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch the sunrise and the sunset on the same day
The difference WAS we WERE going to layout on your lawn and watch the stars
The difference WAS I WAS going to look at your patio NEXT time I came over 
The difference WAS I trustED you. TrustED you enough to not leave. You WERE always the one with the fear of me leaving you. I wonder if you ever knew it was you, not me, saying goodbye (correction: leaving. No one ever says goodbye to someone they want to see again)
The difference WAS you said you didn’t want to get into anything that wouldn’t last... and yet... you are the one ending...
The difference WAS you smelled amazing
The difference WAS you HAD my sweatshirt
The difference WAS you never watched movies
The difference WAS you told me even though you WERE scared to
The difference WAS I filled a toilet full of tissues writing this because I couldn’t stop crying
The difference WAS I made you a bracelet
The difference WAS you WERE the only person that I actually talked to anymore
The difference WAS I made short cuts for emojis in my phone... for you
The difference WAS watching The Office clips
The difference WAS you read all my bad writing
The difference WAS I drove 30 minutes... to kiss you
The difference WAS hello... _
The difference WAS you’re weird aha
The difference WAS I showed you my journal
The difference WAS I WAS there when you called me crying
The difference WAS talking about religion
The difference WAS talking deeply
The difference WAS you WERE the first person that I was truly scared for
The difference WAS the plans we made
The difference WAS you grabED my phone off the techno table
The difference WAS we WERE going to get Ethiopian food
The difference WAS dying of laughter because of Ron Swanson
The difference WAS I USED to be able to be anyone I wantED around you
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Les Mis in three minutes
The difference WAS that photoshoot
The difference WAS you WERE my first milkshake
The difference WAS I KNEW you weren’t all right, but I was alright with that.. with you
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I cried with and not for, but I HAD you then... NOW YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER PERSON WHO BROKE MY HEART. YOU, THE UNIQUE ONE, BROKE MY HEART WITH THE SAME BULLSHIRT (you won’t get that because you haven’t seen The Good Place) THAT EVERY OTHER PERSON HAS GIVEN ME... that every... other... person has said...

The difference WAS you WERE you

I’m sorry that was me being irrationally angry Goodbye... and thanks for all the fish (you won’t get that either because you haven’t read hitchhikers guide to the galaxy). You were my Hazel Grace. Until now I would never have made that comparison, but now it seems aptly fitting. Yuppers... goodbye

But it's his own mind...

so what can he do?

He just accepts his mind,

half-heartedly minds his heart

and carries on slightly morning for the death of an imagined self

What is reality but the perception of a moment in time?

What is the past but a perception of somewhere and sometime you have never been, seen, or heard... and never will?

What is a thought but a new perception?

Row row row your boat
Down the mountain side
Down down down my thoughts
Where I’m never to reside

A day of rest has the same power of exhaustion

A heart pumped full.  
Laced with fear.
Slowly bleeding out.

I would tell you everything
and nothing:
the only thing I would wish to tell you, that I haven’t, is simply how much I care.
unfortunately I can’t tell you that.
at least not without too many pages of writing
too many minutes of song
too many lines of poetry
too many moments of life
too many lives to live
too many too many’s
therefore what you perceive as the care that I give and the feelings I have are only ever the over flows of lives lived, moments had, poems said, minutes with you , songs sung, pages read, and manys spent together

Hand prayer knot:
Our hands touch as she teaches me to make a prayer knot.
I feel a spark.
Her face is beautiful and alive.

Pulchritude:
We go it to the dance.
She has pulchritude,
Even though I don't have the nerve to tell her.

Pictures:
Our pictures are taken.
My hand trembles as I tie her corsage.
She looks beautiful.

Silence:
The silence returns as we enter the dance floor. It has an awkward tinge.
I wish I could hold her hand or something to lighten the atmosphere.
When I look at her I forget everything.
The tension eases as we begin to talk.

Quiet outside:
It is quiet outside.
It is peaceful as the rain drops come down on our heads.
The urge to hold her hand appears again.
I look down at the water speckled boards.

Jumping:
The night begins to blur.
The jumping, the spinning, the dancing, the laughing, the talking.
It is all on one moment frozen in time. So small as to be nonexistent, yet so large as to be our life.

Final song:
The final song has begun, Home.
I wish to dance with her yet the fear is too great.
And yet with an unfathomable will she crosses the bridge between us and asks to dance.

What is this unknown emotion?
What is this unknown emotion?
Is it fear? No, it is to joyful.
Is it joy? No, I feel too anxious.
Is it anxiety? No, I feel to calm.
I have no words to describe what I feel.
Love? No, love is too strong of a word.
Like? No, like his too week.

Even without words it is so strong and unbound, yet un-actionable.
She asks what is to come. I look into her eyes and can think of nothing to say.

Tomorrow:
I wake up the next morning with one thought in my head, the intriguing girl.
The one so beautiful as to cause me to forget, yet so smart.
So strong-willed as to ask me to dance, yet so shy.

May we meet again and again,
oh mysterious girl, oh wondrous girl, oh beauty girl.

Sometimes it’s tough

Tough to live
Tough to love
Tough to trust again
Tough to decide to make it to another day
Tough to make today a success
Tough

The time is now. Not sometime

You,
yes you with the unbreakable mind
Yes you with the shining heart
you are loved
love doesn't need you to be extraordinary

thought you should know that

I thought I was ok
but then the rest of the world fell away

I'm here... still
sitting in the silence... still
no one hears or here to comfort... still
my one companion dragged down, while I fall up
and I sit here... still
I wish I knew... I love... still

who’s to say that your own existence
is all that exists
and we’re making up this reality for your own sanity

Emmett,

A good change
doesn’t always
feel that way

Love Emmett

hi lovely (:
Let’s do some self care, yeah?
first, throw on your fav baggy jammies
yes, i have acne too, it’s okay (:
ur cute :)
now get comfy cozy and get some rest.
i love u.

Have you ever had a question you wanted answered?
Or a nagging little thought you ask your self but you leave it unheard?

You know that little unsettled feeling that you're missing something just beyond the scope of your mind?
Or the little want of something felt but so far gone unrecognized?

Have you ever wondered if you're truly who you're meant to be?
Or is there something just a little off with me?

Then you want to tell a friend, but don't know how they'll react?
Except you know they will love you through everything and it's just you who is scared of who you're meant to be.

Only that's not how it feels. You think you're going to be lost forever in their eyes.
Or drowned in questions that you haven't answered for yourself.

But then you think how awesome it would be for them to know because then you could finally have someone you could talk to...

look at the title

Ahh life oh momentary beauty.
Ahh life you fleeting joy
Forever Unfulfillment

Tomorrow:
It was ever meant to be

Singing:
I thought I sung a song of you and me

You:
you held my heart and then you slew. You gazed on as my life fled from me

If you can find joy in a walk
Does IT ever really matter?

What am I feeling tonight?
Do you know those days where everything is normal or worse until one moment?
Then in that moment, a galaxy of tears flood your gates. Or all of a sudden clouds of joy flutter into your heart.
But you aren't sure if that one moment is enough to make today a bad or good day.
That was my day.
I danced in laughter and joy
and spinning chairs mixed in between StarWars quotes and silly songs
because our connection was bad.

Today was a good day

Why do I write?

So one can feel, hear and catch my plight?

No no no you see

I do not want you with the bees.

I want you to laugh along with me.

I do not write to please you or me.

These texts are not some sacred scroll.

I simply write to fulfill my soul.

I flit through life on tattered broken wings.
Never able to stay afloat until the morning bird sings.

I don’t know the words to say
Each time I open up my mind pushes me away
It’s there’s a lock down in my mind
My thoughts are left there always to reside

I am

The mundane of life
the flame of death

The blind man
sees me prance across the street

Me, a legless dancer
that skips to the deaf composers beat

She reads a white page
She asks why it sings

I am the paradox
of all things

I don’t want that.

I want the person that I stay up until 12:30 with on the phone…
I want that because to that person I could share. To that person, I could be myself. To that person, I could ask “how long are my eyelashes do you think?”, “what do you think toenail clippings smell like?” and “what are you feeling?” That’s the person I want.
I want the friend who I meet up with and talk to for hours without ever getting bored.
I want the friend who I can sit in silence with and not worry about if they are going to say goodbye because they have dinner to eat, a home to get to, or another joke to laugh at.
I want the person who texts me dad jokes, even though they call them corny because I am feeling down.
I want the person that tells me that I deserve all the dad jokes in the world to make me laugh.
I want that person that trusts me enough to call me when they are in pain.
I want the person that cried for thirty minutes, said nothing and hung up.
I want the person I could be there for.
I want the person that I knew exactly what to say in order to ask if they were alright.
I want the person that sits on the phone for hours playing their favorite music and saying nothing.
I want the person that sings and plays guitar for me until I fall asleep.
I want the friend that I sing lullabies to only it doesn’t help them fall asleep and they say goodbye anyways.
I want the friend who I can share a milkshake with.
I want the one who I can sit, listen to music, watch the stars, and not say a word nor touch a limb, and yet feel so comfortable and happy with.
I want the person that is my stars without ever touching.
I want the person that gets frustrated with me because I don’t understand their side of the argument, but they continue to try and explain it, so I understand, over and over.
I want the person that I used to be able to talk to without ever feeling rushed.
I want the person who I could tell the whole story to.
I want the person that is willing to sit on the phone for an hour saying “ok” while I tell my thoughts.
I want the person that will say I’m wrong.
I want the person that will tell me what they are thinking no matter what.
I want the person that isn’t afraid to be there for me.
I want the person that sacrifices sleep to talk to me because it’s “worth it.”
I want the person who holds me when I’m sobbing.
I want the person that lets me hold them when they cry.
I want laughing, crying and full stories on Monday.
I want philosophy and opening up on Thursday.
I want crying on Saturday.


I don’t know if I can have that though…


I miss them when I shouldn’t... When I’m talking to them I remember when I could talk and be heard for myself, my whole self, my whole story, or my whole silence.

Then, I had that silence to fill or be left empty. Now it’s always empty…. I remember when I was there to help them through the thick and the thin. I know it’s not fully their decision, but I wonder if they will ever let me back in, let me give the punch line, finish the story, cry on their shoulder, or laugh at me laughing at my jokes again…


You said, “please ease my fear.” How? Tell me how and I will… I never want you in pain. But, how when I’m so scared?


They left before the punch line...

Twinkle twinkle little star
Don't leave your life and go to far

You count the steps there's quite a sum
but look and see how far you've come

Twinkle twinkle little star
you are enough just the way you are

You were supposed to be my guide.
I was the one to tuck you into bed tonight.
I was the one who watched the sunset turn to day.
That night you kissed my lips I knew we’d be okay.
I thought I’d spend my nights with you we’d cuddle all the time.
I thought that within your love i would reside.

I used to be the one you called till five.
We used to sing songs of stars and walks at night.
Now you’re gone I don’t know how to stay alive.
I used to ask why you cried at night.
I was always willing to drive to your side
I don’t know how to say goodbye.

I remember the nights you hold me tight.
In your arms.
I reach my arm around your back.
You said I’m cold don’t hold back.
That night I kissed your lips.
Then I left you in my mind.

Tears filling the gaps I couldn’t reside.
You say your fine with how you are.
I’m fine with me and myself and I.
What about how we used to be?
I remember when we FaceTimed until three.
And then I'd sleep.

You’d laugh and say just go to bed.
I’d say I’m tired but please bother me.
No one is rather break my heart.
But you.
And you’ve done it too.

You say "I’ll never leave your side."
Now you’ve gone and done it too.
Even though it was a one time deal.
It’s hard enough to lose you.
I can’t imagine what I’d do if you found someone else for you.

I don’t think I could ever go back to the way that we used laugh. The way I used to hold you in my arms.
I’d think back and see how you broke my heart.
I would never trust again.
Not to do it all again.

I know it’s not just you who deceived.
Your parents and society.
I would have never stopped loving you.
If you wanted me to.

Now you’re a different person in my mind.
I loved the something, something inside.
You used to be the one I held so tight.
Now another friend waves goodbye.

Cause it’s not like you changed your face your name or the way you walk.
But when I see your face you’ve changed from the someone I used to hold.
I thought I’d never fall in love.

There’s no more love to hold my heart.
No more love to hold me when I cry.
No more love to kiss me late at night.
No more love to warm my freezing mind.
Goodbye my love.
Goodbye my life.
I’ll live on.
Live on without you.
But I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone to replace.