I don’t want that.

I want the person that I stay up until 12:30 with on the phone…
I want that because to that person I could share. To that person, I could be myself. To that person, I could ask “how long are my eyelashes do you think?”, “what do you think toenail clippings smell like?” and “what are you feeling?” That’s the person I want.
I want the friend who I meet up with and talk to for hours without ever getting bored.
I want the friend who I can sit in silence with and not worry about if they are going to say goodbye because they have dinner to eat, a home to get to, or another joke to laugh at.
I want the person who texts me dad jokes, even though they call them corny because I am feeling down.
I want the person that tells me that I deserve all the dad jokes in the world to make me laugh.
I want that person that trusts me enough to call me when they are in pain.
I want the person that cried for thirty minutes, said nothing and hung up.
I want the person I could be there for.
I want the person that I knew exactly what to say in order to ask if they were alright.
I want the person that sits on the phone for hours playing their favorite music and saying nothing.
I want the person that sings and plays guitar for me until I fall asleep.
I want the friend that I sing lullabies to only it doesn’t help them fall asleep and they say goodbye anyways.
I want the friend who I can share a milkshake with.
I want the one who I can sit, listen to music, watch the stars, and not say a word nor touch a limb, and yet feel so comfortable and happy with.
I want the person that is my stars without ever touching.
I want the person that gets frustrated with me because I don’t understand their side of the argument, but they continue to try and explain it, so I understand, over and over.
I want the person that I used to be able to talk to without ever feeling rushed.
I want the person who I could tell the whole story to.
I want the person that is willing to sit on the phone for an hour saying “ok” while I tell my thoughts.
I want the person that will say I’m wrong.
I want the person that will tell me what they are thinking no matter what.
I want the person that isn’t afraid to be there for me.
I want the person that sacrifices sleep to talk to me because it’s “worth it.”
I want the person who holds me when I’m sobbing.
I want the person that lets me hold them when they cry.
I want laughing, crying and full stories on Monday.
I want philosophy and opening up on Thursday.
I want crying on Saturday.


I don’t know if I can have that though…


I miss them when I shouldn’t... When I’m talking to them I remember when I could talk and be heard for myself, my whole self, my whole story, or my whole silence.

Then, I had that silence to fill or be left empty. Now it’s always empty…. I remember when I was there to help them through the thick and the thin. I know it’s not fully their decision, but I wonder if they will ever let me back in, let me give the punch line, finish the story, cry on their shoulder, or laugh at me laughing at my jokes again…


You said, “please ease my fear.” How? Tell me how and I will… I never want you in pain. But, how when I’m so scared?


They left before the punch line...