A heart pumped full.  
Laced with fear.
Slowly bleeding out.

I would tell you everything
and nothing:
the only thing I would wish to tell you, that I haven’t, is simply how much I care.
unfortunately I can’t tell you that.
at least not without too many pages of writing
too many minutes of song
too many lines of poetry
too many moments of life
too many lives to live
too many too many’s
therefore what you perceive as the care that I give and the feelings I have are only ever the over flows of lives lived, moments had, poems said, minutes with you , songs sung, pages read, and manys spent together

Tomorrow:
It was ever meant to be

Singing:
I thought I sung a song of you and me

You:
you held my heart and then you slew. You gazed on as my life fled from me

Alright,
Goodnight

I've said more than my part
And now it's time for me to depart

Sleep well and sleep peacefully
and if not then at least lay there easily

Knowing that it will all be ok
You'll be there to see another, brighter day

Twinkle twinkle little star
Don't leave your life and go to far

You count the steps there's quite a sum
but look and see how far you've come

Twinkle twinkle little star
you are enough just the way you are

Well dang, sister!
Who gave you the right to be shining up my day with that face?!

How come
when I tell someone I love them I can never say it enough?

How come
Whenever I reach for love it keeps on taking?

How come
That taking makes me feel so happy to be loved and loving and so sad as to be inept in expressing that love

What is reality but the perception of a moment in time?

What is the past but a perception of somewhere and sometime you have never been, seen, or heard... and never will?

What is a thought but a new perception?

A day of rest has the same power of exhaustion

It's perfect and beautiful to not be the most hilarious, joyful, kind, goofy, outgoing -- and yet still quite, beautiful, smart, thoughtful person ever for a while. After all you have to let other people shine on occasion.

I'll be here smiling while I walk beside you until you decide to want to smile too.

And on those days where you think your only option is to crawl I'll join you on the ground in the fall.

Or if you can only sit and cry for hours I'll be here holding you, making this moment ours.

You,
yes you with the unbreakable mind
Yes you with the shining heart
you are loved
love doesn't need you to be extraordinary

thought you should know that

I flit through life on tattered broken wings.
Never able to stay afloat until the morning bird sings.

Why do I write?

So one can feel, hear and catch my plight?

No no no you see

I do not want you with the bees.

I want you to laugh along with me.

I do not write to please you or me.

These texts are not some sacred scroll.

I simply write to fulfill my soul.

Don't push me down
Don't bottle me up
If you do then you'll just get more clogged up

Don't let me sing you to sleep at night
Don't meet me in the rain
All that will lead to is more unending pain

Don't push me away during the day
Only to hold me close at night
That will lead to an ever perpetuating fight

It's ok to let me touch your face
You can let me soothe the burns of bitter ache
I'll be there when no one else will while they take and take and take

I'm no fiend to guard against
Nor darkish dankish cavern to avoid
No no no if you ever ask me to hold you, why I'll be there, overjoyed

Have you ever had a question you wanted answered?
Or a nagging little thought you ask your self but you leave it unheard?

You know that little unsettled feeling that you're missing something just beyond the scope of your mind?
Or the little want of something felt but so far gone unrecognized?

Have you ever wondered if you're truly who you're meant to be?
Or is there something just a little off with me?

Then you want to tell a friend, but don't know how they'll react?
Except you know they will love you through everything and it's just you who is scared of who you're meant to be.

Only that's not how it feels. You think you're going to be lost forever in their eyes.
Or drowned in questions that you haven't answered for yourself.

But then you think how awesome it would be for them to know because then you could finally have someone you could talk to...

Row row row your boat
Down the mountain side
Down down down my thoughts
Where I’m never to reside

Thanks to you
Thanks to me
Thanks to all those in their individuality
You are enough as you are

Go get 'em mountain mover

I don’t want that.

I want the person that I stay up until 12:30 with on the phone…
I want that because to that person I could share. To that person, I could be myself. To that person, I could ask “how long are my eyelashes do you think?”, “what do you think toenail clippings smell like?” and “what are you feeling?” That’s the person I want.
I want the friend who I meet up with and talk to for hours without ever getting bored.
I want the friend who I can sit in silence with and not worry about if they are going to say goodbye because they have dinner to eat, a home to get to, or another joke to laugh at.
I want the person who texts me dad jokes, even though they call them corny because I am feeling down.
I want the person that tells me that I deserve all the dad jokes in the world to make me laugh.
I want that person that trusts me enough to call me when they are in pain.
I want the person that cried for thirty minutes, said nothing and hung up.
I want the person I could be there for.
I want the person that I knew exactly what to say in order to ask if they were alright.
I want the person that sits on the phone for hours playing their favorite music and saying nothing.
I want the person that sings and plays guitar for me until I fall asleep.
I want the friend that I sing lullabies to only it doesn’t help them fall asleep and they say goodbye anyways.
I want the friend who I can share a milkshake with.
I want the one who I can sit, listen to music, watch the stars, and not say a word nor touch a limb, and yet feel so comfortable and happy with.
I want the person that is my stars without ever touching.
I want the person that gets frustrated with me because I don’t understand their side of the argument, but they continue to try and explain it, so I understand, over and over.
I want the person that I used to be able to talk to without ever feeling rushed.
I want the person who I could tell the whole story to.
I want the person that is willing to sit on the phone for an hour saying “ok” while I tell my thoughts.
I want the person that will say I’m wrong.
I want the person that will tell me what they are thinking no matter what.
I want the person that isn’t afraid to be there for me.
I want the person that sacrifices sleep to talk to me because it’s “worth it.”
I want the person who holds me when I’m sobbing.
I want the person that lets me hold them when they cry.
I want laughing, crying and full stories on Monday.
I want philosophy and opening up on Thursday.
I want crying on Saturday.


I don’t know if I can have that though…


I miss them when I shouldn’t... When I’m talking to them I remember when I could talk and be heard for myself, my whole self, my whole story, or my whole silence.

Then, I had that silence to fill or be left empty. Now it’s always empty…. I remember when I was there to help them through the thick and the thin. I know it’s not fully their decision, but I wonder if they will ever let me back in, let me give the punch line, finish the story, cry on their shoulder, or laugh at me laughing at my jokes again…


You said, “please ease my fear.” How? Tell me how and I will… I never want you in pain. But, how when I’m so scared?


They left before the punch line...

I thought I was ok
but then the rest of the world fell away

I'm here... still
sitting in the silence... still
no one hears or here to comfort... still
my one companion dragged down, while I fall up
and I sit here... still
I wish I knew... I love... still

A “to be continued”


unfulfilled

A beautiful sky starts a beautiful day
A beautiful face starts a beautiful play

I flit between acts of beauty and bliss
Every morning and night I dream of your kiss

So lovely of lovelies among many and few
So beauty of beauties a good morning to you

To me and you and even Winnie The Pooh,

Goodnight Loves. You are enough
Goodnight Loves. You, no small stuff

Goodnight Beauties. You are great
Goodnight Beauties. Know you are no deadweight

Goodnight Joy Fillers. You're pretty slick
Goodnight Joy Fillers. Yes you're snazzedelic

I love you. You are loved

~ Love me

I see your heart
being ripped apart

I hear your lungs
crying out for help

I feel your smiles
are all going stale

I know your eyes
are not dry now

The sands all gone
The glass layers by
and I'm almost gone

My time is almost gone
You left my heart there's no return
All the lines have all been drawn
But there's all the fire you can't unburn

I see you hear you
Feel you know you
My dust is crying
Out to hold you

Jack and Jill went up the hill
I’m stuck here at the bottom
I breathe deep
Out my tears weep
Maybe someday someone will ask why

A beautiful face starts a beautiful day
Your a beautiful girl, oh I hope you’ll stay

I flit between acts of beauty and bliss
Every day and every night I dream of you kiss

So beauty of beauties among many and few
Oh lovely of lovelies I wish a good morning to you

She said to me

don’t grow too fast
Or you’ll break against
Like an elephant resting on a fence

She said to me

You’re only 15
You have a life to live
Yet you’ve given more then your right to give

She said to me

You’re in a rough spot
And it’s really no fair
But you’re no small life, yes I really do care

She said to me

You are loved
Through thick and thin
I’ll be there to wipe you’re chin or help you win

She said to me

So don’t grow up too fast
Try smiling for a while
Maybe... just maybe... it will help you in that extra mile

Last night I rang the sun
Do you want to know what I heard?
Life is ******* pain, aching hurt, and tears run dry it is true...
But there is so much more

Last night I rang the sun
And it replied
Life is spacious joy, night-sky contentment, and cuddle filled love
Remember always cherish what you have

Last night I rang my soul
I wish it was as forthcoming as the sun
All I hear from myself is the echos of the past and the hopes of the future
But these aren't me, but I was and could be

Last night I rang my soul
I'm waiting for a reply
While I wait I'll smile and know that life with many questions unanswered and answers now questioned is one well-lived

So, though I asked the sun and it replied
I think I'll sleep and think and wait now till my own answer comes by

sleep well
sleep tight, my little light

sleep joy
sleep laughter, and kindness ever after

sleep you
sleep me, sleep all of us wes.

If you've forgotten this today remember you are not alone.

I love you. Someone loves you. WE LOVE YOU.... so much

With joyous love,
Me