I am ready for anything...
Except death
Why not death?
Death is the one place where an “I” cannot reside

The difference WAS I knew all your bad
The difference WAS I told you everything. You KNEW more about me than anyone else ever.
The difference WAS I WAS there to hold you when you WERE down. I WAS there to raise you up when you WERE on the ground
The difference WAS I cried with you
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I talked about our future with
The difference WAS I knew you WERE having trouble and weren’t in a good place and loveD (?) you anyways
The difference WAS we WERE going to brush and straighten your hair
The difference WAS we WERE going to go hot tubbing The difference WAS a fault in our stars
The difference WAS the best book ever
The difference WAS I could die laughing at my jokes and you wouldn’t think badly of me
The difference WAS you WERE going to be the first person I loveD and the first person I COULD have told that to
The difference WAS I WOULD have been there at three in the morning if you needED me
The difference WAS Pride and Prejudice
The difference WAS stegosaurus hair
The difference WAS music
The difference WAS Ted Talks
The difference WAS John Vervake
The difference WAS spur of the moment star gazing
The difference WAS spiders in your hair
The difference WAS you WERE my hand coolers and I WAS your hand warmers
The difference WAS black licorice
The difference WAS I WAS there when you relapsed The difference WAS you hated dance monkey
The difference WAS give me and _ give me a _ give me a _ give me a _ go _!
The difference WAS I wrote four songs and five poems for you in a month because I thought you careD and I DIDN’T care about you not being in a good place. We WOULD have gotten through it together
The difference WAS you said you WERE scared to lose me
The difference WAS I fell asleep with you every night
The difference WAS Guichi spelled g-u-I-c-h-I
The difference WAS Trashcanpaul
The difference WAS your terrible mic voice
The difference WAS dum dum dum diabetes
The difference WAS you showed me your favorite booth at acoustic
The difference WAS I said that I COULD love you and you said you COULD love me too
The difference WAS moth memes
The difference WAS street lamps
The difference WAS bless me
The difference WAS scrunching
The difference WAS you asked me to be there and I said yes and you said no
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Mamma Mia The difference WAS laughing at the stupid things
The difference WAS you were going to be my date to the FLC dance if you said yes
The difference WAS that you thought
The difference WAS you thought and shared rawly
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Nacho Libre
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I stayed up to six am for
The difference WAS we read together
The difference WAS we WERE going to write a chipotle and The Best Book Ever song together
The difference WAS Tacos by Tyler
The difference WAS Lemons at three
The difference WAS Elsa Roonie Fiona
The difference WAS stars on an empty night
The difference WAS dad jokes
The difference WAS Jeremy the book
The difference WAS you WERE my first real kiss
The difference WAS I WOULD have been there through the thick and thin
The difference WAS, WAS that a thinking sigh?
The difference WAS I reached out to Lillianna to email you
The difference WAS you shared your music with me
The difference WAS Holding on to you
The difference WAS our handshake
The difference WAS that hug after acoustic that Saturday night
The difference WAS your eyes moved too fast
The difference WAS Ninja The difference WAS “how lucky am?”
The difference WAS _ silence
The difference WAS I only got to say goodnight to you twice... and never again
The difference WAS you WOULD smile and bite your tongue
The difference WAS what are you thinking
The difference WAS what are you feeling
The difference WAS running
The difference WAS I WAS going to bring you to YOU
The difference WAS we WERE going to go stand up paddleboarding on cedar lake
The difference WAS we WERE going to canoe into the sunrise
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch the sunrise and the sunset on the same day
The difference WAS we WERE going to layout on your lawn and watch the stars
The difference WAS I WAS going to look at your patio NEXT time I came over 
The difference WAS I trustED you. TrustED you enough to not leave. You WERE always the one with the fear of me leaving you. I wonder if you ever knew it was you, not me, saying goodbye (correction: leaving. No one ever says goodbye to someone they want to see again)
The difference WAS you said you didn’t want to get into anything that wouldn’t last... and yet... you are the one ending...
The difference WAS you smelled amazing
The difference WAS you HAD my sweatshirt
The difference WAS you never watched movies
The difference WAS you told me even though you WERE scared to
The difference WAS I filled a toilet full of tissues writing this because I couldn’t stop crying
The difference WAS I made you a bracelet
The difference WAS you WERE the only person that I actually talked to anymore
The difference WAS I made short cuts for emojis in my phone... for you
The difference WAS watching The Office clips
The difference WAS you read all my bad writing
The difference WAS I drove 30 minutes... to kiss you
The difference WAS hello... _
The difference WAS you’re weird aha
The difference WAS I showed you my journal
The difference WAS I WAS there when you called me crying
The difference WAS talking about religion
The difference WAS talking deeply
The difference WAS you WERE the first person that I was truly scared for
The difference WAS the plans we made
The difference WAS you grabED my phone off the techno table
The difference WAS we WERE going to get Ethiopian food
The difference WAS dying of laughter because of Ron Swanson
The difference WAS I USED to be able to be anyone I wantED around you
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Les Mis in three minutes
The difference WAS that photoshoot
The difference WAS you WERE my first milkshake
The difference WAS I KNEW you weren’t all right, but I was alright with that.. with you
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I cried with and not for, but I HAD you then... NOW YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER PERSON WHO BROKE MY HEART. YOU, THE UNIQUE ONE, BROKE MY HEART WITH THE SAME BULLSHIRT (you won’t get that because you haven’t seen The Good Place) THAT EVERY OTHER PERSON HAS GIVEN ME... that every... other... person has said...

The difference WAS you WERE you

I’m sorry that was me being irrationally angry Goodbye... and thanks for all the fish (you won’t get that either because you haven’t read hitchhikers guide to the galaxy). You were my Hazel Grace. Until now I would never have made that comparison, but now it seems aptly fitting. Yuppers... goodbye

You are the doorway
They the key
your friendship and love the path to light
Take it
Open the door

What’s sleep for you?
A warm tender embrace with arms held wide? Or a octagon where winner is the one who vanquishes the other?

Everyone except me accepts
me for who I am
I need to exempt myself
from the exemplary
Don’t focus on exempting me
Just focus on accepting me for me

What am I feeling tonight?
Do you know those days where everything is normal or worse until one moment?
Then in that moment, a galaxy of tears flood your gates. Or all of a sudden clouds of joy flutter into your heart.
But you aren't sure if that one moment is enough to make today a bad or good day.
That was my day.
I danced in laughter and joy
and spinning chairs mixed in between StarWars quotes and silly songs
because our connection was bad.

Today was a good day

A typing computer
with fingers on the other side

Fingers that are telling me
all the love they don’t have

Sometimes it’s tough

Tough to live
Tough to love
Tough to trust again
Tough to decide to make it to another day
Tough to make today a success
Tough

The time is now. Not sometime

the way you used to hold me in your arms
you accepted for me
and so much more
but that's not how it's gonna be



I accepted you
accept me
you just go and exempt me

I am

The angle of life
the demon of death

The blind man
sees me walking across the street

Me, a legless dance
that skips to the beat of a deaf composer

She reads a white page
She asks why it sings

I am the paradox
of all things

I am a god a goddess the light the dark
The striving the thriving when we are apart

Me and I we reach for each other
each caught up, promised one to another

I have the drive to strive to be alive to live a life worth living.
One of glory of peace of a nice warm fleece
A sock laid down by the fire

I have the drive to thrive and dive into the hive of my mind.
A place where life resides and death awaits
behind the line, beneath the fence, beyond the gate

Happiness can be found not only in the obvious, light flooded areas.
I smile.
A laugh.
A night sky filled with stars.
A kiss, a hug.
Dying of laughter on the floor.
Sitting back on the lake and realizing you have a good moment and asking “what is life but this moment with infinite variation?”

But happiness can also be found in pain. In the dark places that haven’t been lit and where no friend will follow.
You cry on the bathroom floor,
filling the toilet with countless tissues
until you starting risking overflowing if you ever try to flush.
But then next morning you have a song you can sing for years to come;
a poem you will read to your grandchildren and watch the smile spread wide as they think “wow, he was just as young as us once”;
a new, redefined relationship.
All these things are happiness.

Writing my soul out
Writing my tears out
Writing my thoughts out
Writing my emotions out

It won’t go out

I want my heart out
My pain out
It all to stop  
To be numb

But I can’t so I lie in bed
Unsleeping
Unmoving except to write it out

I write my soul out
I write my tears out...
And so it begins

What is love
I'm not sure

I said I yearned
You said let's adjourn

We've never met in court since

I sink deep
Out my tears leap

You slumped on the floor
With bottle by the door

Your sobs unheard, masked by the pain
A single glass window between you and the sane

I ask if you drank the pain,
swallowed the death,
lived a life,
cut the flesh,
drew the blood,
or... can I help you out of the ******* down mud

Life happens for you
Death comes no matter what you do

So, take the time you need
Process, but don't plead

Take a moment
Stand on your feet
See that wasn't hard
Just one small feat

Feel your legs
Touch your chest
Dance a bit
Try your best

After all, if you do
That's all anyone can ask of you

Now take a step
Then another
Keep on stepping
Live your life for no other

You see: a splotch of failure, a bucket of pain,
A skosh of contentment, and a clump of gain

Life is all of these, but it depends
On an ocean of life, a mountain of friends

So, when you lay in bed at night
With the knife pressed to your windpipe
When hope of life seems foregone
Drop the knife and carry on

I saw a picture today. This is what it felt like:

Darkness shattering across my heart
Splinters left for me to pick up

Because each smile you give to someone else leaves me wondering if I was really enough

You roved the landscape of that darkness
But never with me

You left that broken glass for me to clean up
Saying simply “I might”

It struck me like a vacuum
Out of the love that surrounded me
it ****** it all away

I REMEMBERED...

I REMEMBERED how your breath felt against

I REMEMBERED how your lips tasted of chap stick (I was never quite sure of what kind)

I REMEMBERED the ice cream swirl of epiphanies brought about by your laugh.

I REMEMBERED "how lucky am I to have someone that makes saying goodbye so hard"

I REMEMBERED crying in your arms

I REMEMBERED how we would stay up until ungodly hours speaking of life

I REMEMBERED how you showed me that I could feel.
That there wasn't just gray but rather a beautiful, wonderful, colorful swirl of pain and joy and kindness all around us.

I REMEMBERED the joking scoldings when I fell asleep

I REMEMBERED being able to complement you. When I could so "no!!! You don't look weird!!! You look gorgeous!". Then you would awkwardly try to push the complement away

I REMEMBERED how we used to talk. I was always knowing you better

Now: we are stagnant
Now: I am gray
Now: I am crying

The vacuum of remembrance
the only vacuum that gives to take away

I Doubt?
Am I really the one that's doing the doubting
I look up and down and all around and yet all I see is this abyss
of pain and fear and envy and worry
Am I really doing the doubting or is this just another matrix?

I Think?
Am I really the one that's doing the doubting
Sometimes I look out into my mind and it's clear as day
But then there's now when everything thing seems as a wall with no window
These days everything seems to fade away

Love divorces one person from another

At first, you think you loved the person
then you realize you loved the love

Love breaks
Love tears down
Love destroys a heart and leaves it on the ground

Love separates the two --
the person loved and the other

When the loved is gone
There remains only you
and the battlefield of hearts

I wouldn't give that battle up for anything
it was a privilege to be broken by you
it was an honor to love and die
it was my joy to be the one you called late at night.
never again

Everyone meets...
except me

Everyone laughs...
except me

Everyone loves...
except me

Everyone everything...
except me
ACCEPT ME

She jumped out of bed sweat on her head. All around her, her hair falling away. Her daughter walks through the door to say “goodbye.”

That morning she awoke. It was just a dream.

Five months later she stepped into her hairless daughter’s room to say goodbye… One last time.

Feel my dust
slipping through my hands

Feel my dust
falling on the floor

Feel my dust
reaching for your heart

Feel my dust
being pushed away

Feel my dust
Feel my dust
It's almost gone

My time is almost gone
You left my heart there's no return
All the lines have all been drawn
Yet there's all the fire you can't unburn

I’m just in time
To be slightly too late
You’ve left my sights
And I don’t think I can wait

You ask my to stay
And I hope and pray
But I don’t know what to do
I’ll be here for you... at least that’s my plan

But it's his own mind...

so what can he do?

He just accepts his mind,

half-heartedly minds his heart

and carries on slightly morning for the death of an imagined self

I discovered that my life could be best described as a dull green. You may ask how I came to this revelation. It involved a disgruntled walrus birthing a kangaroo, the idea of a concept of a long story, and flippers. Unfortunately, I only have fifty words to tell you.

You were supposed to be my guide.
I was the one to tuck you into bed tonight.
I was the one who watched the sunset turn to day.
That night you kissed my lips I knew we’d be okay.
I thought I’d spend my nights with you we’d cuddle all the time.
I thought that within your love i would reside.

I used to be the one you called till five.
We used to sing songs of stars and walks at night.
Now you’re gone I don’t know how to stay alive.
I used to ask why you cried at night.
I was always willing to drive to your side
I don’t know how to say goodbye.

I remember the nights you hold me tight.
In your arms.
I reach my arm around your back.
You said I’m cold don’t hold back.
That night I kissed your lips.
Then I left you in my mind.

Tears filling the gaps I couldn’t reside.
You say your fine with how you are.
I’m fine with me and myself and I.
What about how we used to be?
I remember when we FaceTimed until three.
And then I'd sleep.

You’d laugh and say just go to bed.
I’d say I’m tired but please bother me.
No one is rather break my heart.
But you.
And you’ve done it too.

You say "I’ll never leave your side."
Now you’ve gone and done it too.
Even though it was a one time deal.
It’s hard enough to lose you.
I can’t imagine what I’d do if you found someone else for you.

I don’t think I could ever go back to the way that we used laugh. The way I used to hold you in my arms.
I’d think back and see how you broke my heart.
I would never trust again.
Not to do it all again.

I know it’s not just you who deceived.
Your parents and society.
I would have never stopped loving you.
If you wanted me to.

Now you’re a different person in my mind.
I loved the something, something inside.
You used to be the one I held so tight.
Now another friend waves goodbye.

Cause it’s not like you changed your face your name or the way you walk.
But when I see your face you’ve changed from the someone I used to hold.
I thought I’d never fall in love.

There’s no more love to hold my heart.
No more love to hold me when I cry.
No more love to kiss me late at night.
No more love to warm my freezing mind.
Goodbye my love.
Goodbye my life.
I’ll live on.
Live on without you.
But I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone to replace.

Plunge beneath the surface
sink yourself deeper

Your lungs give out
you need to breath

The current flexes its fingers
tighter around you

You **** in
You breathe out
The tide comes in
The life goes out

We fool ourselves with the small things
But joy is never foolish

POWER

Ahh life oh momentary beauty.
Ahh life you fleeting joy
Forever Unfulfillment

Hey you!
Yes you with the creative beautiful mind!
You deserve the world plus one
So go get ‘em!

You’re enough

Wise men say
Only fools rush in

But there’s no way
To find what can’t be found

I am

The mundane of life
the flame of death

The blind man
sees me prance across the street

Me, a legless dancer
that skips to the deaf composers beat

She reads a white page
She asks why it sings

I am the paradox
of all things

Goodnight singer
Goodnight sigher
Yes even you, you little lier

Goodnight faller
Goodnight baller
Yes even you who wants to be a little taller

Goodnight lover
Goodnight bluffer
Yes even you who wants to be a little tougher

Goodnight Mother
Goodnight brother
Yes even you, you little truther

I love you all equally
and hope you all sleep easily

With you
I knew
All the lights and darks of tears

With you
I knew
The highest highs and lowest lows

With you
I knew
How another persons silence could be the greatest of comforts

Now your gone
No longer can I take comfort in your silence only Emmett’s silence

I’m my old self
Stagnant
Gray

Stuck on level ground
No longer able to sing melodies from the tops of mountains
No longer am I crushed beneath the weight of drowning tears

Is this good? Or did I lose myself in you?

it's ok to cry
i'll be there by your side

~ love

Me

Reflections in the darkness
Fragments of a reality that was never meant to be
Leaves in the breeze you never get to see
Cause that darkness enfold me
A crossing of lights drowned out by the darkness
A mishmash
A hogpog
A canvas of thrown together paint
A song, a dance, a po....

You

All the light for me to shine through
That piece of a puzzle that bring everything together
The candle that fills my nights with love and light
You, the perfect imagine
Put together
Done up
All those songs you’ve song, dances you’ve  done, and poems you got to finish the lines of

Me

There isn’t enough time to...

Everyone...
except me.
Accept me.

Your life happens to you
Your death happens to everyone else

I am a GOD
I am a GODDESS

the light the dark
The striving the thriving when we are apart

Me and I we reach for each other
each caught up promised one to another

Anxiety why do you crawl into my mind with me?
And cloud my vision and every little thing I see?

Don’t you know you’re not welcome here.
Maybe this time you’ll leave my mind and never reappear.

Reach out to nothing
to receive help for something

come on tomorrow
peak through my window
don't leave me to die

come on tomorrow
magic land of my mind
loosen the noose surrounding my mind

I don't ask for much
tomorrow
just tuck me into bed tonight
enfold me in your arms
tomorrow
then maybe all my tears will run dry

tomorrow broke my heart
I was never enough for you
for you never knocked on my door

it seems like you come to me
every sunrise and morning
but it’s only today

but I don’t ask for much
tomorrow
please tuck me into bed tonight
enfold me in your arms
tomorrow
maybe then all my tears will run dry

come on tomorrow
come on tomorrow

today is today
I’m on the bathroom floor
if you could see me maybe you would die too

why’d you leave me tomorrow?

at least your in my mind

Goodbye I love you...
Goodbye love...
Goodbye...
....

Goodnight joy
Goodnight after
laughing crying dying laughter

Goodnight books
Goodnight smiles
And all my silly little whiles

Goodnight moon
Goodnight stars
I hope you sleep well in this little bed of ours

You see, muscle, muscle is created by repeating lifting things that have been designed to weigh us down, so when your shoulder is feeling heavy, stand up straight, lift your chin, hell, call it exercise.

Remember that life is a gym membership with a really complicated cancellation policy.
Remember that you will survive.
Remember, things could be worse.
Remember, we have never ever given anything that we can’t handle.
When the world crumbles around you, you have to look at the wreckage, and then build a new one out of all the pieces that are still here.
Remember, you are still here.

The human heart beats approximately 4000 times per hour, and each pulse, each throb, each palpitation is a trophy, engraved with the words, You Are Still Alive.
You are still alive.
Act like it.

Goodnight my love
Goodnight my life
But I don’t want to say goodbye

Sleep well my love
Sleep well my life
I guess it’s really time
To say bye bye

I don’t know the words to say
Each time I open up my mind pushes me away
It’s there’s a lock down in my mind
My thoughts are left there always to reside

Baba black sheep have you any wool?
Go sir go sir, my life’s all full

I spent it on him
And I spent it on her

And I spent it on them
and on they and on we

No sir no sir I never had time
To spend on myself
And my life’s no longer mine

who’s to say that your own existence
is all that exists
and we’re making up this reality for your own sanity

It’s 2 o’clock and I can’t get to sleep
I know you’re doing you shouldn’t be
I lay in bed and cry all night
Waiting for you to know you’ll be alright