Last night I rang the sun
Do you want to know what I heard?
Life is ******* pain, aching hurt, and tears run dry it is true...
But there is so much more

Last night I rang the sun
And it replied
Life is spacious joy, night-sky contentment, and cuddle filled love
Remember always cherish what you have

Last night I rang my soul
I wish it was as forthcoming as the sun
All I hear from myself is the echos of the past and the hopes of the future
But these aren't me, but I was and could be

Last night I rang my soul
I'm waiting for a reply
While I wait I'll smile and know that life with many questions unanswered and answers now questioned is one well-lived

So, though I asked the sun and it replied
I think I'll sleep and think and wait now till my own answer comes by

Alright,
Goodnight

I've said more than my part
And now it's time for me to depart

Sleep well and sleep peacefully
and if not then at least lay there easily

Knowing that it will all be ok
You'll be there to see another, brighter day

It starts under the stars.
And laughing in cars.

Late at night we conversed and cried.
That was the difference of you and I.

Whenever we'd talk my smile spread wide.
Then you departed and my hopes have all died.

Buried in what I want to become.
To hide the truth that I am some ****.

Hiding from the truth of what we are.
Now I'm pulled from the dark and I say "please put me back in the jar."

I was doing so well.
In fact, quite swell.

Now...

Let me take you in time to a place long ago.
Where I danced and I partied and was there for a show.

I was so young and naive I thought the world could be played.
Now it's just me, my emotions and this ****** parade.

How to be best friends with someone you can never see?
The question I ask is "can it be?"

To encase one's heart in friendship and love all one needs is one simple thing.
Time spent together, laughter and joy. But oh the sting that that little thing brings.

Because although I would love to spend each day your friend in tow.
Laughing and crying and learning things new things to know.

I can't and won't and will never be allowed
to sing and to dance and say my feelings out loud.

I've given up the hope of talking to you.
You see that's the best I can ever do.

So I fake cool laughs and bright smiles.
Plastered on faces to hide that I've wild.

Now it's gone and I'm scared it's forever
You cried and said that you would never.
but...

I'm scared.

Emmett,

Are you ok? Are you decent? Are you adequate? Are you enough? Are you sad? Are you crying? Are you happy? Are you loved? Do you love? Are you warm? Are you cold? Are you tired?

It’s ok. You’re ok. You’re enough. You’re wanted. You’re adequate. You are happy. You’re loved. You loved once. You’re warm. A little. That’s ok. We love you. I love you.

~ Emmett

The difference WAS I knew all your bad
The difference WAS I told you everything. You KNEW more about me than anyone else ever.
The difference WAS I WAS there to hold you when you WERE down. I WAS there to raise you up when you WERE on the ground
The difference WAS I cried with you
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I talked about our future with
The difference WAS I knew you WERE having trouble and weren’t in a good place and loveD (?) you anyways
The difference WAS we WERE going to brush and straighten your hair
The difference WAS we WERE going to go hot tubbing The difference WAS a fault in our stars
The difference WAS the best book ever
The difference WAS I could die laughing at my jokes and you wouldn’t think badly of me
The difference WAS you WERE going to be the first person I loveD and the first person I COULD have told that to
The difference WAS I WOULD have been there at three in the morning if you needED me
The difference WAS Pride and Prejudice
The difference WAS stegosaurus hair
The difference WAS music
The difference WAS Ted Talks
The difference WAS John Vervake
The difference WAS spur of the moment star gazing
The difference WAS spiders in your hair
The difference WAS you WERE my hand coolers and I WAS your hand warmers
The difference WAS black licorice
The difference WAS I WAS there when you relapsed The difference WAS you hated dance monkey
The difference WAS give me and _ give me a _ give me a _ give me a _ go _!
The difference WAS I wrote four songs and five poems for you in a month because I thought you careD and I DIDN’T care about you not being in a good place. We WOULD have gotten through it together
The difference WAS you said you WERE scared to lose me
The difference WAS I fell asleep with you every night
The difference WAS Guichi spelled g-u-I-c-h-I
The difference WAS Trashcanpaul
The difference WAS your terrible mic voice
The difference WAS dum dum dum diabetes
The difference WAS you showed me your favorite booth at acoustic
The difference WAS I said that I COULD love you and you said you COULD love me too
The difference WAS moth memes
The difference WAS street lamps
The difference WAS bless me
The difference WAS scrunching
The difference WAS you asked me to be there and I said yes and you said no
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Mamma Mia The difference WAS laughing at the stupid things
The difference WAS you were going to be my date to the FLC dance if you said yes
The difference WAS that you thought
The difference WAS you thought and shared rawly
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Nacho Libre
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I stayed up to six am for
The difference WAS we read together
The difference WAS we WERE going to write a chipotle and The Best Book Ever song together
The difference WAS Tacos by Tyler
The difference WAS Lemons at three
The difference WAS Elsa Roonie Fiona
The difference WAS stars on an empty night
The difference WAS dad jokes
The difference WAS Jeremy the book
The difference WAS you WERE my first real kiss
The difference WAS I WOULD have been there through the thick and thin
The difference WAS, WAS that a thinking sigh?
The difference WAS I reached out to Lillianna to email you
The difference WAS you shared your music with me
The difference WAS Holding on to you
The difference WAS our handshake
The difference WAS that hug after acoustic that Saturday night
The difference WAS your eyes moved too fast
The difference WAS Ninja The difference WAS “how lucky am?”
The difference WAS _ silence
The difference WAS I only got to say goodnight to you twice... and never again
The difference WAS you WOULD smile and bite your tongue
The difference WAS what are you thinking
The difference WAS what are you feeling
The difference WAS running
The difference WAS I WAS going to bring you to YOU
The difference WAS we WERE going to go stand up paddleboarding on cedar lake
The difference WAS we WERE going to canoe into the sunrise
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch the sunrise and the sunset on the same day
The difference WAS we WERE going to layout on your lawn and watch the stars
The difference WAS I WAS going to look at your patio NEXT time I came over 
The difference WAS I trustED you. TrustED you enough to not leave. You WERE always the one with the fear of me leaving you. I wonder if you ever knew it was you, not me, saying goodbye (correction: leaving. No one ever says goodbye to someone they want to see again)
The difference WAS you said you didn’t want to get into anything that wouldn’t last... and yet... you are the one ending...
The difference WAS you smelled amazing
The difference WAS you HAD my sweatshirt
The difference WAS you never watched movies
The difference WAS you told me even though you WERE scared to
The difference WAS I filled a toilet full of tissues writing this because I couldn’t stop crying
The difference WAS I made you a bracelet
The difference WAS you WERE the only person that I actually talked to anymore
The difference WAS I made short cuts for emojis in my phone... for you
The difference WAS watching The Office clips
The difference WAS you read all my bad writing
The difference WAS I drove 30 minutes... to kiss you
The difference WAS hello... _
The difference WAS you’re weird aha
The difference WAS I showed you my journal
The difference WAS I WAS there when you called me crying
The difference WAS talking about religion
The difference WAS talking deeply
The difference WAS you WERE the first person that I was truly scared for
The difference WAS the plans we made
The difference WAS you grabED my phone off the techno table
The difference WAS we WERE going to get Ethiopian food
The difference WAS dying of laughter because of Ron Swanson
The difference WAS I USED to be able to be anyone I wantED around you
The difference WAS we WERE going to watch Les Mis in three minutes
The difference WAS that photoshoot
The difference WAS you WERE my first milkshake
The difference WAS I KNEW you weren’t all right, but I was alright with that.. with you
The difference WAS you WERE the first person I cried with and not for, but I HAD you then... NOW YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER PERSON WHO BROKE MY HEART. YOU, THE UNIQUE ONE, BROKE MY HEART WITH THE SAME BULLSHIRT (you won’t get that because you haven’t seen The Good Place) THAT EVERY OTHER PERSON HAS GIVEN ME... that every... other... person has said...

The difference WAS you WERE you

I’m sorry that was me being irrationally angry Goodbye... and thanks for all the fish (you won’t get that either because you haven’t read hitchhikers guide to the galaxy). You were my Hazel Grace. Until now I would never have made that comparison, but now it seems aptly fitting. Yuppers... goodbye

I don’t want that.

I want the person that I stay up until 12:30 with on the phone…
I want that because to that person I could share. To that person, I could be myself. To that person, I could ask “how long are my eyelashes do you think?”, “what do you think toenail clippings smell like?” and “what are you feeling?” That’s the person I want.
I want the friend who I meet up with and talk to for hours without ever getting bored.
I want the friend who I can sit in silence with and not worry about if they are going to say goodbye because they have dinner to eat, a home to get to, or another joke to laugh at.
I want the person who texts me dad jokes, even though they call them corny because I am feeling down.
I want the person that tells me that I deserve all the dad jokes in the world to make me laugh.
I want that person that trusts me enough to call me when they are in pain.
I want the person that cried for thirty minutes, said nothing and hung up.
I want the person I could be there for.
I want the person that I knew exactly what to say in order to ask if they were alright.
I want the person that sits on the phone for hours playing their favorite music and saying nothing.
I want the person that sings and plays guitar for me until I fall asleep.
I want the friend that I sing lullabies to only it doesn’t help them fall asleep and they say goodbye anyways.
I want the friend who I can share a milkshake with.
I want the one who I can sit, listen to music, watch the stars, and not say a word nor touch a limb, and yet feel so comfortable and happy with.
I want the person that is my stars without ever touching.
I want the person that gets frustrated with me because I don’t understand their side of the argument, but they continue to try and explain it, so I understand, over and over.
I want the person that I used to be able to talk to without ever feeling rushed.
I want the person who I could tell the whole story to.
I want the person that is willing to sit on the phone for an hour saying “ok” while I tell my thoughts.
I want the person that will say I’m wrong.
I want the person that will tell me what they are thinking no matter what.
I want the person that isn’t afraid to be there for me.
I want the person that sacrifices sleep to talk to me because it’s “worth it.”
I want the person who holds me when I’m sobbing.
I want the person that lets me hold them when they cry.
I want laughing, crying and full stories on Monday.
I want philosophy and opening up on Thursday.
I want crying on Saturday.


I don’t know if I can have that though…


I miss them when I shouldn’t... When I’m talking to them I remember when I could talk and be heard for myself, my whole self, my whole story, or my whole silence.

Then, I had that silence to fill or be left empty. Now it’s always empty…. I remember when I was there to help them through the thick and the thin. I know it’s not fully their decision, but I wonder if they will ever let me back in, let me give the punch line, finish the story, cry on their shoulder, or laugh at me laughing at my jokes again…


You said, “please ease my fear.” How? Tell me how and I will… I never want you in pain. But, how when I’m so scared?


They left before the punch line...

Each moment goes past in a series of memories unfolded not without but within me. You see

A container for the memories of what we could be. When I would have told you that this burn is an evergreen would you run or flee... To me.

The burn oh evergreen. Bursting
Inferno will you, will this roast me?
If it does would I want it to be?

A line of words brittle and broken as bones... alone. Isolated. An island of paragraphs yet to be written. I’m bitten.

And yet unsure of my status, am I lost or am I found? Am I floating through the air or pounded into the ground?

If I burn then I run the risk of having to be there endlessly. You see. I would never leave you in my independency but your parents ask me potentially to leave you be.

Then again as Tyler said those T’s uncrossed and I’s undotted could leave us in a heap 10 feet from where we departed unable to justify the cost of the fight you’re right I might.

But no. If I am cast into the pit of fire and flames and maimed I could never return. Unburn relieve myself from this pain and gain or lose and loosen the noose surrounding me. Slowly emptying the space between me and me. Or more accurately the space between me and you. Eventually this could be the death of me or who I was meant to be.

In bed with a liar that I could never trust. I never want this ****** upon me because each moment, each life, each crying embrace. Laced in a web of your encased place I would never know if it was really beau and boe or just another fancy way of saying I need help and you’re the only way I can be who I’m meant to be.