He said he would leave her,
She was always nagging him,
Besides; he loved me more.
He wanted to be with me, he said.
Poor little fool I was, I ate it all up.
Like vanilla icecream with a scoop.
I wanted to be with him.
Instead, I was lost in his lies and promises.
He could not leave,
He was invested in her.

She wanted the world.
But ended up sliced and served.
With a wreath and white muslin.
She had seen it all at 10,
The vices and misery offered
For all who truly wanted to partake.
It found her a little lacking,
In experience and vile.
And so spewed her out.
Into a casket to rest.

It's back again,
sleeplessness that makes me howl.
I shut my eyes in vain,
Dreams and quiet evade me.
I sit on the floor and whimper
as i remember my aloneness.

You left just yesterday,
With my heart at your feet.
Crushed it as you rushed off.
I was paralyzed by pain,
when you didn't spare me a backward glance.

It's that time of the night,
Where i reach out for your body.
There is nothing but empty space
Where you used to lie.
I call your number and you don't answer.
I text you begging you to come back.
My phone remains silent and I throw it against the wall.
Please come back.

You will never know how much,
How much I long for you.
I don't want to meet your eyes,
Am afraid you might see through me.
See my deepest thoughts,
Find them colored with you.
I tell myself I don't need you,
Convince myself you're wrong for me.
It hurts too much,
You matter too much.
My every tear is tied to you,
You didn't call, you didn't want me too.
How can I be rid of you,
When I can't think of anything but you?
You break my heart and somehow its only you who can fix it.
I want to be with you,
Somehow you're what I need.
Can you feel it too?

You were there as I crumbled,
Caught up in my whirlwind of tears.
You helped me pick up the pieces,
Broken and taped over pain.
Showed me it didn't have to hurt.
You offered a distraction,
and stole my heart.
I am caught up in your circle.

I tried to write a poem about you,
None of the words seem to fit right.
You're the half to my tragic self,
and somehow it isn't all bleak.
You take my breath away with moments I didn't see coming.
I fall deeper each day,
Knowing you will catch me.

We started out wanting the same things
now am not so sure.
You don't seem the same
Am different for sure
You don't call me
I don't sit waiting for your call
I grew up
Realized you don't want
To treat me right and make me happy
I just am not a priority
It's time I moved on.

He says he will leave her
His wife of ten years
and mother of his sons.
That it isn't working anymore
he would rather be with me.

I believe him.

Maybe am young and naive
Or just plain desperate
but I want this man
the one that wants me back.
I said I couldn't share
He said he wouldn't dare
His lawyer would see to it
That I would be the heir.

He lied.

Today I saw them together
Hand in hand on the streets
You don't kiss your ex in public
Or grab her ***,
Am no fool nor am I gullible
He just wanted two for one special.

Am mad.

He has to pay for this
making me think I had him
Luring me into his web
Now am wiser and meaner
With a plan up my sleeve
walked up to her and said
I know about the tattoo
The one on his ***.
Her eyes went ice cold,
A marriage over.

Am proud.

I saw him walking alone
Desolate and inconsolable
his house off limits to him
No dignity left
no debauchery
I brought him to his knees.

My coming of age wasn't all that pretty. I was heartbroken and on a well worn path, trying to exhaust myself to shut off the pain. It worked at
first, as i slumped in the couch and passed out
every night. I couldn't hurt if all my nerves and thoughts shut off. I met a number of guys, each to
help drive me over the edge. I was fast and reckless with nothing left to use. I abused my body and violated my memories, they weren't sacred anymore. Even though I tried to be heartless, I sobbed myself to sleep. When that didn't work I started cutting. At first it was little scratches that were barely noticeable until I began to crave deeper pain. It reassured me that I was still alive since I could hurt. I bled out lines of loneliness and disappointment and it kept the pain contained within me.

You took a shovel and dug out the feelings i had left inside,
You took away my bubble and left an empty pit in it's place.
Am reeling from everything supposed to be there which isn't.
My heart beats yet it's mimicking motions of living.
My chest heaves taking in breaths,
Letting out frustration.
I know I said I let go but guess am a liar.
Or just a fool.
Cause I walked away and expected you to stay.
I turned my back and when you did too the tie between my destiny and yours snapped.
Didn't expect it to hurt as much though.
Like being torpedoed and crushed.
I passed by where we used to hang out,
Got hit in the face by a pair of ***** so big my heart stopped.
Dunno if it's cause I feel i can't compete with that, or maybe am just selfish.
Either way you won.
Couldn't do right by me.
And you got someone you are doing it all for.

If only I had met you earlier
just a little earlier
My heart would have been
yours to wear on a sleeve.
To do with as you please.

If I had been born a little later
maybe I would be her.
The girl you get to carry,
Love and adore as daughter .

If we had another lifetime
I would find you am sure
And make you mine
To cover your lips with kisses.

But am only human
one heart, soul and mind
Although it's being split in many
every part of me is yours
To command as you will.

Here with you
Lying in your arms
Stroking your chest
Snuggling close
Listening to your breathing
Slow and measured
At peace with the world
You stroke my hair in even strokes
your breathing faster as I nibble your ear
I smile my Cheshire grin
Tonight I caught dinner ;)

The cracks are getting bigger,
The pieces of me lost
To people who never cared.
People who said I love you
and please and thank you.
But tore my heart to shreds.

The spaces between my dreams and reality
Become bigger and greater.
The thought of you laughing
And loving someone else.
Breaks my strength to bits.

I'm crawling to the place
Where I can live again.
But it feels like twirling in circles.
Where i dont know which way is home.
How do I break this pattern?
How do I stop hurting?

All I know is the echoes of your name
Brings me to tears.
The ghost of your touch.
Makes me ache.
I wish i never met YOU.

The cracks are getting bigger,
The pieces of me lost
To people who never cared.
People who said I love you
and please and thank you.
But tore my heart to shreds.

The spaces between my dreams and reality
Become bigger and greater.
The thought of you laughing
And loving someone else.
Breaks my strength to bits.

I'm crawling to the place
Where I can live again.
But it feels like twirling in circles.
Where i dont know which way is home.
How do I break this pattern?
How do I stop hurting?

All I know is the echoes of your name
Brings me to tears.
The ghost of your touch.
Makes me ache.
I wish i never met YOU.

I love how you're in control
Got me under your spell
Making me feel like you can
Carry me all the way home.

Perfect mix of cocky and ego
You're so **** that way.
Visions of you holding me
Closer than should be legal.

You're invading my mind
a little more than usual
oh yes please am dying
to have you with me.

deep down am a little girl
longing for a mother's touch
wishing for angel wings
to enfold me in a loving embrace

am daddy's little girl
playing at his knee
being carried to the heavens
knowing I am a precious treasure.

can't you see it kills me
to watch daddy and mommy fight
I feel so unloved
like they are fighting because of me.

Daddy don't leave us
I promise to be good
mummy don't let him go
don't you see I need him so.

you are a special girl,
they say.
two homes where they love you
all I want is my parents together

I waited
Through the stormy weather
I waited
as the grass grew and became greener
You can't argue with that,
I did wait.

You wanted
a rug to wipe your shoes
You wanted
A punching bag
You wanted
Unconditional obedience.
All those things you wanted I will never be.

I loved.
You with all my heart
You never
Showed me you cared.
I loved.
Even though it broke my heart
You never
Held me when I needed you.
I loved.
Being the girl you had.
You never
Called me your own.

I have liked you for so long
But you seemed aloof
out of my league.
And now by a random twist
You fall into my life again
like prearranged cards
Fitting in their place.
Suave and sure.
Today you called me beautiful
And I just want to run to you
With all I have.
Let you hold me tight
Kiss me as I fit my body close
And enjoy now with you.

Daddy walked out on us when I was 6,
It really broke my heart.
I was supposed to be his little girl,
He called me his princess.
He built me castles and bought me ponies,
Taught me to sing and dance.
I thought we had forever,
But that never lasted a moment more.

Daddy has another daughter,
Prettier and younger than me.
He carries her around,
It breaks my heart.
He was supposed to be my daddy,
But somehow I don't see him here.
Holding my hand,
Taking me to school.
He doesn't love me anymore.

Daddy said I can share a room with his other girl,
But I don't want to.
He was mine first.
He doesn't come to see me anymore,
It's all my fault.
If I had been good he wouldn't have left.

You drive me to the depths
Of despair, sorrow, pain.
I seek release
Drowning out the emptiness
Filling my belly with *****
Cold frothy alcohol
that brings blessed oblivion.
You push me off a cliff
And I soar
into the blissful world of needles
It's the jump I need
To get me going again.
And then my other friend,
The trusted blade.
My wrists engraved
with stories of tears and blood
Heartbreaks stacked like cards
Broken promises and dreams
I think that sharp pain
Will block out the numbness
From aching in the cold
day and night.
You slowly lead me to my death.

The darkness calls out my name
When I walk past it's yawning hole.
It reaches out fingers like a gnarled tree base
and brushes them against my face.
It leaves a trail, moist and humid.
I settle into the abyss.
My thoughts and body laid to rest.

My love,

It’s time to talk again. I know your heart is closing up so fast so the words I say won’t stab you where it hurts. It’s time to say everything we couldn’t when we were together and feared that words would be too much to convey what we meant. I want to talk about being together and yet being alone. The loneliness consumes me and the silence deafens me.

I wish I could lie and say that I am happy, but you can always see the depth of sorrow in my eyes. You once said I had the saddest eyes. We have forgotten to love as we are, instead we try to change and mold the other. I asked you what love was, you said you weren’t sure. I told you what I felt and you called it dependence.

I wake up everyday and watch you do things you know I would not like, for people I don’t like. You won’t do the little things for me, you don’t care that I wilt a little when you don’t put me first. I feel like you don’t want to be together, you might not need to be with someone.

I think you’re looking for something no one can give you. I know you will get angry that am tired and weary of trying. You need to see the truth, I don’t have the strength to fight alone. To cry for you, to die for you. I have been alone while I am with you, and I no longer wish to try.

What are we but mere winds that blow where the gods whim,
A vessel for their favor and wrath.
If I should walk two steps and stumble,
maybe fate was delaying my death.
I took destiny by the scruff of his neck and bowed him to my will.
As master, I decide which road to take,
One least used by the gods mortal hands.
I will not relinquish my puppet strings to the immortals.

Sometimes I like to get you gifts
Just to see your face light up
In pure complete joy
That eclipses every tear
you have ever shed.

Sometimes I like to peek
As we lie side by side
Cause only when am with you
Can I see the way you feel
When everything fades and dims
In light of being together.

I like to hold your hand as we walk
and show that he really cares
Watch you watching my steps
And leading the way.
I am truely protected
When I walk with you.

You indulge my fantasies
Subdue my unrest
Give me purpose and direction
with you am right in the middle
of where I want to stay.

No, no, no
Don't be gone.
Not now when i need you
More than i ever did before.
You can't be gone ,
When just a moment ago you were here.
Young and full of life.
I never got to say goodbye.
There wasn't a warning.
I woke up to find you gone.
I slept over and over again,
Hoping that the next time i awoke
You would be watching me ,
With that smile on your face.
Instead i torture myself,
With what ifs and what nots.
Sometimes all you need is hope
That its not over.
To keep it all together.

different

have you ever wondered
what it wud be like
if you lived another life
had a different house
friends that aren't the same
the sky is gray not blue
and flowers grow on walls
would you be a better person
just cause you are a different person.

We go back and forth
Traveling the same paths
Visiting conversations already had
Looking for another ending
different interpretations
Seeing things from a fresh view
Maybe we will discover
A way to dance round this
Find peace among shards
Maybe there is love
Or we are holding on too long.

We once had a connection so strong,
It took my breath away.
And now you're another name that makes me cringe,
You turned out to be an ***,
Why am I not surprised.
You took everything i loved,
Shoved it into a box.
The **** line keeps getting longer,
Am a walking poster.
Hurt me, abuse me.
Wring me inside out.
Tear me apart bone by bone,
Burn me, consume me with flame.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep,
Curling myself into a ball.
It's driving me crazy,
Am so tired.
I need my pain to stop.

Don't mess with my heart
When you dunno your mind
It will only break me
Don't you dare hurt me.
Don't speak sweet nothing's
They only make me listen
And then begin the lies
I really hate those.
Don't hold me
When you're leaving
It will only make me yearn
For forever starting Tonight.
You wormed your way in
Made me feel safe
Now you're different
not so much love as before
You take me for granted
turn me upside down
I want to scream
I need to get out.

Once again I asked the question
the one I have been hanging on to
Hoping the answer is right
So it can all be worth it.
I worded it round a ring
In spirals and mazes
You won't get it before you get me
That way I can be sure
This is it.

I have been chasing dreams,
Of you and me.
Chasing the ghost of something that could be.
Hoping that somehow, someday,
I will wake up to you again.
Sometimes as i sleep I forget what part is real and what is a dream.
I relive being with you, loving you.
And I wonder if it would always end this way.
Were you always meant to destroy me?
Or did I drive you to this?
Did my dreams somehow escape before I could wake up and watch them come true?
With you, I need a thousand deep breaths before I hope;
That we were real.
That you loved me.
You were my dream catcher.
And somehow you slipped away.

dreams

sometimes dreams are all we have
when the world moves so fast
and our life comes crashing down
little shards of glass around
that can hurt you
if you dont tread softly.

half asleep we wade
through life's turmoils
only pausing where there is cause
to take in the flashes of color
red violet blue green mauve
life in its fullness, in entirety
as i live but a dream.

Here is where it all began
At the precipice
Facing all my dreams.
Glistening like water down below
I know I won't be hurt by them
If I hold my breath and dive
Feet-first into the depths
I can test the waters there
with my legs.
Still I am paralyzed with fear
What if I stumble and miss?
Hit my head on the rocks?
I won't get up again
will be as good as dead.
But a little voice whispers
'Let go and fall.
I promise to catch you'
And so I shut my eyes
Spread my arms like wings
and plunge headfirst into the abyss.

I drifted into love today,
Falling ever so slowly .
Drowning ever so helplessly
As i look into your eyes.
Searching for something i can not name.
Do you love me like you did before?
I hope to hear your soul call out to mine and join me in an embrace.
where i lose myself in you.
I need you to keep my head up,
When nothing makes sense.
I want to take a day and just lie in your arms listening to your heartbeat.
With my head on your chest, your fingers running through my hair,
I want to feel you close to me.
I long to feel my breath sync with yours as our hopes and dreams merge.
I miss you, everything about you
That made me love you.

In the stillness of the night
I heard echoes of your voice
in the throes of passion
Screaming out for me
Telling me you wanted me.

I saw your face in the water
Smiling up at me
You looked up at me
And asked me to stay.
Gladly I will follow your lead
Just don't leave me.

Even in the silence
In the stillness of night
I feel you near like a ghost
Hovering and watching
Waiting for me to pick up the phone
maybe I will, maybe I won't.

In the dawn of a new day
I feel the echo of your touch
a light caress on my arm
Pulling me closer
I love to snuggle in your embrace
Especially in the cold air.

In this crowded room I lose you
You're not for me to share
For I had you and held you
And now all that remains
are shadows of what you were
Light and unreal and cold
The silence chills me to the bone
I can feel it in your resolve
you're not mine to keep
in the warmth of my heart.

Visit Me oh muse,
I ask of you today.
I have readied myself
With blank slate and pen and paper.
come to me in flashes of voices
Telling me of
Fairytales and broken hearts.
I heard you visit the worthy.
But today bless me with your gift
I long to write of your awesomeness
If you deign to appear.

Cold and alone in my bed
hoping to see you come by
Warm and loving as always
***** to be alone.
You know I don't like to
Be alone at all.
My thoughts crashing in on me
Suffocating me, strangling me
Creeping in on me
Like Jack the reaper
When am alone is when I see
an empty vessel with nothing.

Your silence drowns out my thoughts,
Your voice louder than the echoes of loneliness.
Your words overwhelm my mute resolve,
I hold on to nothing that suddenly seems like everything.
You push me further away,
Beyond your circle where I once had a special place.
The space you once occupied is empty,
And yet memories of your gestures hover in mid-air.
You changing your mind,
You walking away.
You didn't say goodbye.

what is it about marriage
that ruins romance?
could it be the routine
or the familiarity
taking each other for granted
making less effort
forgetting why you fell in love.

Can't help falling under your spell
The more I get the more I want
You're awesome and great
I admit it's pointless to fight
This attraction I feel
Sinking into the warmth
Of your embrace willingly.
Losing myself in all that's you
You're good at weaving this web,
am trapped in your place

If only you could be
That guy I see in some places
Who wears his heart on his sleeve
Not afraid to tell me
He loves me more than anything
Someone that will hold me
In the middle of the street.
kiss me when his friends are watching_
hold my hand as we sit in a restaurant
And be all over me.

I remember when we wrote our names
In an interwoven ring
Bound together by promises
Made before crowds.
standing fast to dreams
Of a life together.
We wrote our names in ink
Strong and clear then
Now faded and faint.
Dreams shattered
Life goes on.

I watch your life fall apart
Amidst the clutter of everyday
If only you walked slowly
you might not trip
Over the mistakes you made
Yesterday before u changed
Or when the day grabbed you
And threw you around.
the wind knocked out your sails
And I watched you flutter
and hit rock bottom.

Who I am falls apart, when you're here.
I can't think straight, I don't want to.
You make me see things different.
I lose myself in you.
You're in every corner of my mind,
Chasing memories of when I was with you.
I look into your eyes and beg you
To take me.
I'm trying to find a place in your mind.
Where we can lie and fall in love.