I am not dead,
Merely missing.
Numb and lifeless
Losing pieces of me in the wind.
No, i did not die
When you set my heart ablaze.
And sent me flying off a cliff.
I merely exploded into pieces.
Tiny immemorable bits of me.
A half hearted smile here
An anguished cry as i melt
Breaking into fragments of past, present and never.
This could really be my end.
Do not come looking for ashes
To gather and keep in a can.
I won't be confined even in death
Instead go to the quietest point
Where no noise and pain linger
Listen for my heartbeat
Faint, fading and unfettered.
Call my name if you want to talk
I will whisper in the wind
Enfold you in a rush of leaves
As you stand amidst the silence
I will be here.

I feel like i can see
after a moment of sightlessness.
Delighting in the little things
Like an unexpected smile
An all encompassing hug.
It fills me up and i float
On a cloud of meaning,
A little less that i don't know.
If nothing makes sense anymore
At least i can muster a smile.

I want to listen to the wind sing
Dance as it blows the figs and leaves.
I want to fly,
I could almost step off a ledge.
Drawing on strength from within
Absorbing pain from without.

I shudder from the pain of the oppressed
Unable to step out of jail
Shackled to hopelessness
Stuck in a third rate jail.

You hold the key to Destiny
If only you could cut loose your fears
Of failure, rejection and doom.
You need a friend to believe in you,
Share your dreams.
Go out to the highest point you can find
Rage at the world.
I am here! I belong!

I draw a picture
Of the sun, the moon.
You see the light rays colliding with colors red and blue
Such beautiful sparks to light your way.

I sing a song of love
Enduring and full of promise.
You waltz to the swing in my voice
And lead me on a merry chase.
Together we watch sound and light collide.

Feel so lost
Like maybe am in a wrong place
Or just teleported to the time
When i least want to be alive.
Everything hurts
From my aching bones to my heart
Weary love worn heart
In trying to love all i did was hurt you
I shouldn't have taken a gamble
With you as the stake.

I close my eyes hoping the pain will pass
Excruciating
Numbing
Wiping out my conscious thought.
I should be used by now,
To the patterns it follows.
Betrayal,denial, anger.
How could you?
You couldn't.
I could hit you.
Is it possible i didn't know you?
That you were different for a while?
I probably saw what i wanted to
Between lunacy and desperation.
You see, i was afraid to be alone.
The sounds that keep me up echo
Wishes that it hadn't ended
Care for my shattered heart.
Dying on the floor where you tossed it
Am not perfect but i was right.
I dunno how to be strong and go on
when i miss you with every breath
Every thought rotates around your face
Swimming in and out of focus
Of my glazed mind.
I seek release in hot tears.
Falling like from the sky
Will they obliterate the pain?
Or my resolve to stay away?
It wasn't meant to end this way.
I was your love,or so you said.
We all expect love to last forever
Instead it shackles us and makes us slaves.
I don't feel free though.
I would rather be with you
And ***** the consequences.
Oh gosh it hurts so much
Am rolled up into a ball
Sobbing out my love.

I feel really stupid
For loving you without reservations.
I feel duped somehow.
For believing you were the one.
Every girl dreams of meeting him,
I thought i was lucky.
I never expected to end up broken
Beating myself up over the years wasted.
Greys and pastels by your side
Making you happy.
There must be something messed up with me
Why couldn't i be content with bits and pieces?
Instead i wanted all of it
Unending forever together.
Joke's on me,
It really is over.

At the precipice we change
And time stops for us
All I want this time
Is a love that can't be contained
One so pure and enthralling
It makes me lose my head.
I want to be swept away on a tide of passion
Lose myself in depths of you
Intriguing and exciting
You hold me close
much closer than before
everytime I walk away
end up closer to you.

Someone offered to sweep me off my feet
A series of dates to take my breath away
I wondered whether to do it
It's been a while since I let go
Gave someone a chance
To impress me.
I haven't been to fancy dinners
or to fun dog shows
Maybe I have let life pass me by
Not trusting enough
Or letting my guard down
They say the third time is the charm.
Am counting on a third date.

It's been 10 days,23 hours, 59 minutes, 1 second
Since you last called.
Am tired of staring at the phone
hoping you're thinking of me
Tired of checking your last messages
Saying you love me
That it will be different this time
I try to restrain myself
So that I don't text you
Begging you to call me
To love me.
Questions rise like a smoke cloud
does he even love me?
Am losing myself in agony
I need you
To talk to me
To see me
To want to.
I miss having you here
To show me you care
Right now I don't even know
if I was right to let you in.

You wonder what you see in me
It's in the sparkle in my eye
The curve of my lips
As I smile at the sound of your voice
the grace with which I approach you
And give you a passionate kiss.
The way I fit my body to yours
like pieces of the same puzzle.
You love to hold me,
I can tell each time you watch me sleep.
And stroke my hair
That I belong in your arms
And have a couch in your heart.
You take my breath away
With your tenderness.
Surprise me with your thoughtfulness.
You don't expect perfection,
Infact love to predict
My outbursts of irrationality.
You laugh me into a smile
When am mad.
I honestly don't know why
You put up with me
It must be because you see
Beneath my flaws.

Slowly I lose myself in drudgery
Trudging up and up the worn path
Others have taken before me.
I see the footprints single file
None return from whence we came.
I find the bones that gave way
Turning to dust or filth.
Some weren't strong enough
To withstand the struggle
Fighting for what we know not
Under masters we see not.
Wearily I keep going
This ends soon,
I hope.

I walked away and broke my heart
Left it bleeding on the floor.
I would give anything for another ending
a different time and place.
You are one thing that keeps me sane
Balanced and in line.
It was the hardest thing to do
Admit I can't save you.
You continue to haunt me
Even after I've left
Your mournful eyes
The silent cry I can feel you stifle
As you put on a brave face.
I long to run back and hold you
Let you know the world is safe
For you to have a safe childhood
hold on to your ideals forever.
Tears run down my face
As thoughts of your misery torture me.
I sob into my pillow
if only I could take your place
I gladly would.
You needed a haven
Why did heaven let you go
To an ill prepared earth.
We were meant to be your guides
Instead we have forsaken you
I pray you find hope somewhere
I have found none.
In letting you down I have damaged my piece of mind.
I need a sign you will be okay
Cause I never will be.
I walked away when you needed me
And now wrestle with my conscience.

Goodbye my lover
Even though am crying as I speak into the phone
I know it's for the best.
You have been everything to me
But you have broken my heart
irreparably into little pieces.
I still feel you next to me
When am asleep and curled up
Your arms around me
Holding me by your side.
You muttered her name
one night in my bed
She that took your heart
And lay in my place.
I knew then that it was over.
I will always remember you
Goodbye my friend.

Here with you
Lying in your arms
Stroking your chest
Snuggling close
Listening to your breathing
Slow and measured
At peace with the world
You stroke my hair in even strokes
your breathing faster as I nibble your ear
I smile my Cheshire grin
Tonight I caught dinner ;)

Shame on you and your heart
If you have one.
Cause you are tearing us apart
Piece by piece with each day
A promise not kept
a moment not treasured
One more reason for me to give up
Everything I hold dear.
Can't you see you're changing me?
Turning me into a wreck
heartbroken and desolate.
You're turning me inside out
Wringing my emotions
Bleeding out my heart.
I hope you're sorry
For breaking my heart.

Traveling back and forth
to see each other smile
Through time already charted
Listening to each other breathe
in and out with fingers entwined.
Hearts pulsing together
To the beat of love.
You take me in your arms
Kiss me
Tongue darting in and out
Of my soft moist mouth.
You draw me closer
Hand on the arch of my back.
I wrap my leg around you
Pressing closer for more.
I would gladly travel through time
to be with you.
Love how you love me.

I have cried one solitary tear
For you and what we had.
In pain and regret
For everything lost.
I have laughed at myself
For making those mistakes
Believing it was love
Yet I was just a game for you.
Something to pass the time.
never again will I throw myself
In your path at your feet.
You made it clear it was a waste
I will not cry a thousand tears
My grief will remain a solitary tear.

Sadness fills my bones
Like a crushing weight
Taking the life out of my body.
tears well up
As I sink to the ground.
I can't do this again,
the agony of losing you
Another you
I lost you once already
and now you're leaving again.
it seems you don't care
That am dying inside
Every breath aches
Burning its way down my chest.
My arms wont work
To Ward off the pain.
Slowly sinking to depression
cold inhumane feelings
of worthlessness.
I will never be enough
to make you stay.
If only I were nothing like me
You might love me some more.
I really hoped this was something
That would be everything.

Do not look for me in our old haunts
I am not there.
I walked out the door
And never looked back.
Do not call me up at 3 in the morning
I wont pick up.
I found so many things to fill my life
The space you left isn't there.
Do not say you will always love me
I don't want a captive
What I needed was a partner and friend and you didn't care.
Do not wait up for me
Am not coming home.
You threw away what we had
Couldn't even make up an excuse
it's okay to let go you know,
I already have.

I have loved you. Many versions of you actually. There was the boy that danced away with my heart the first time i danced. It was a star lit night and I felt like the music was meant for just you and I. We waltzed to the strains of our heartbeats pounding in unison as you breathed in my nervous breaths and i breathed in your confidence.You knew what to say, you led me on a merry chase. I had the best first dance and you walked away without a second glance. I loved the friend that always had a hug for me too. Whenever I felt sad or alone you dropped everything and came to my rescue. You were the knight to my damsel and I was giddy when you held my hand. You held me close and kissed my hand like a gallant gentleman. Again you walked away when I was safely in my tower.
I miss the lover that stole my breath and replaced it with passion. I could only think, dream and want you. You took my mind ransom and intertwined my soul with yours. I was helpless to escape your embrace. You enchanted me with serenades and promises of forever. I vowed to be yours every day in every way. You left me at the altar. You were a misty dream that assaulted my senses. I can still feel you here. You are a part of my memories, a clinging vine that never sways with the wind. I have loved you from the start, all of you. Even now that my sanity is slipping away because I can not bear the pain, I can surely say that I have loved.

Don't tell me to let go
Cause you don't understand
The sacrifices I have made
To be here with you.
Stop for just one second
Did you love me at all?
Or were you just a spoiled child
going after what you couldn't have?
Don't try to spite me
Let's not pretend you care
If I go off the rails
And overboard with this rage.
You did this to me
Broke me in small pieces
Gave away all I cared about.
I hate you even more than before
Drowning in the pain
The water rising above my head
Can anyone hear me?
Am losing myself
You're killing me inside.
So am dead to the goodness
You did this
And now your dancing on my grave.
Am but a ghost of who I was
You ****** out my life
And left this shadow that's not real.

Someone out there is waiting
To give you a hug.
Show you that there is more
Than just pleasure and pain.
If it didn't work in the beginning
there is a chance to go on.
Build memories on concrete
Instead of on air.
You don't have to believe
in promises made with broken string.
You can't play on a stage
After the curtains come down. But there will be another show
a chance to do things right.
someone cares that you weep
Late at night as you lie in bed.
Fighting against the will
To give up everything you need
Trying to be strong
you can't afford to let go
Of hope that it will be okay.
One day you will find someone
that lets you grow into you.

I want to know you
Like the back of my hand.
Trace the lines of your face
And etch them into my memory
Like an ink painting on canvass
mapping you perfectly
As curves and lines so fine.
I see you when I close my eyes
Kissing me
Touching me
Loving me.
There isn't anywhere
I would rather be
Than in your arms.

Listen
to the voice inside
Telling you that it's not impossible
to love again.
You have seen pain
But if you gave it another day
There could be more than that.
It's not supposed to hurt
As much as it does.
It will fade to a dull ache
and be less than a pinch.
Wasn't built to last
This thing called pain.
It springs from within
and needs to be driven.
It will come to pass
In the dawn of a new day.
Things done in secret
to stem the flow of energy
bubbling over and pushing
For an outlet.
It started out as an accident
and now it's here to stay.
you were hurt badly before
and now you don't want
To let go and love again.

The pain you feel each day
Keeps building up to a peak
Until everything hurts.
You try to lose yourself
In other people's company.
Sink into a personality
That isn't even your own.
Trying to end the pain
of ten thousand swords.
Words cutting deeper
Than any sharp edged blade.
You said you needed him
To make the pain stop.
You need to draw strength from within
Only you can stop the pain.

I wonder if it's time
To let you go.
Cause you don't want to stay
You keep leaving me all alone.
I wait for you by the stairs
Hoping you will come home tonight
I wither and droop
And still you're not here.
It's like you walked away already
and just keep looking back.
Cause even when you're here
Feels like you're miles away.

This Valentine's
All I have are my hopes
Of what could have been a great day.
Waking up in your arms
Listening to music with you
Singing along together off key
As you smile at me.
I want roses and chocolates
A romantic date under the stars
Champagne as we talk
Listen to the birds chirping.
Walking barefoot in the grass
Being cheesy as we want
For that would be love, right?

Instead I get to be alone
Watch movies by myself.
Think of you not here
and cry because am so sad.
All I really want is a proper Valentine's.
With you and me and love
Cherishing each other
because that's love.

You broke my heart, you know
When you walked away.
I lay on the floor
Banged my head against the wall
Wailed and begged you to stay
Held my heart hostage for you
You never looked back
seeming to move on as you left
It hurt some more
You left me broken in agony.
I tried to fix myself
With some duct tape
Cigarettes you left behind
Maybe as I inhaled the smoke
A part of you came back to me.
I tore your pictures to shreds
Saw your face in every reflection
I broke the mirrors and windows
but still your shadow remained
Lingering, looming, lurking.
You consume me like a flame
searing even as you went.
I can't get you out
Even as I scream to drown out your voice
you're not mine anymore!
Go bother someone else
I don't want you here
And yet you color all my memories
Tinged red by anger and hurt
You hurt me everytime
I remember your touch.
How it soothed the pain
And took my breath away.
You are the same one
That took away my reason to live
How can I stay here broken?
losing myself in drink and smoke
trying to find a reason
to live again.

You lay me down and then I fall for you
Staring into your liquid eyes
Drawing me in like a thread through a needle's eye.
You hold me fast
Like snug cloth over skin.
Hugging me close.
With every passing moment
I am drawn more to you.
Sharing my days with you
whiling the hours away
I want to spend my nights with you.

Pushing shards of hurt
Deeper into my heart.
Spreading searing pain
through every scar that remains.
It's not supposed to hurt
like there is no end to this
will you ever stop?
I still love you
Need you to hold me.
Won't you be my partner,
Lover and friend?
Am not ready to lose you
See you make it all better
won't you look in your heart
Find a place for you and I.

You drew me in
Like a deep dark secret
Encircling me with your tentacles
******* out my voice.
I couldn't speak what I felt
Like a vortex you wiped out
my thoughts.
I was empty and nothing
Without a voice or thought.
You wiped me out
Like a tidal storm
Brutal, violent, harsh.
With ruthless intent
you erased my every hope.
I was alone
Oh so alone.
Crumbling on the inside
folding in on myself.
Can anyone hear me?
My cries to get out.
Pain. Pure hot agony
searing my bones and mind
                    Help.
           Get me out!!
Falling deep into an abyss
Of nothingness and loneliness
nothing but space and time.
They have become my prison.

I wonder who these bosses think they are, bossying me around like some kind of slave. Tea
at 8,tea at 10,tea in between every break. Do they
know the fatigue from the stairs? I sincerely doubt, not with their password controlled elevators.
The other day one of those big men amused me. Mbu tell me Celia, why do u charge the same price even for people who take no sugar. I barely held bac insults and instead said, now if I were to charge according to how much sugar you take, I would charge those that take the price of quarter a kilo since I neither buy in spoons nor cups. And then for you that don't take sugar I would charge for the fuel used to boil the water.
hmph, men!!

There have been places
Where I spent a day, night
wished I could stay a while.
It's my happy place
Where I can dream of us
A future painted on canvas
any way we want it.
In my dreams you are whole
the embodiment of my wants
I feel you here
Like a warm blanket.
Keeping me safe.
I wake to fading colours
of what you were.
You are a mere fragment
Of what I need you to be.
Sometimes I wish you were
Everything I needed.
You to be strong
To hold me and protect me.
But you're only human
With faults and flaws
Imperfections to the brim
I don't want perfect,
Just want you to be here.

I need to feel alive
Senses tingling all over.
With everything fitting in place
like a jigsaw puzzle.
No more loud silence
all encompassing pain
Life that falls short of what it should be.

I don't want to feel alone
In this big wide world
Where everyone walks
Their own paths
And no one has Time to wait
For someone that is lost
And trying to find the way home.
I don't want another day
Trying to find who I am
and what I want.
If only it could be clear
What I should have
then I wouldn't see empty space
in the rooms you fill.
Aching for something more
hungering for a purpose
A reason why am here.
Am I the fixer? The listener?
The one that does great things?
If only the pain could stop
Of being so alone.

I want to know what you feel
when you hold me
At night under the stars.
Does your heart beat fast?
Like a bass drum?
Or like a clickety clack train engine?
Do you catch your breath
In silken webs of time
And hold on to you and I.
Does it feel like magic?
Everytime our fingers intertwine
It's everything beautiful
That comes alive
When you and I collide.

All this time I have been here
Right next to you.
Lying by your side
Watching you sleep.
you seem to be happy
in the land of no troubles.
If only you could be
This happy when awake.
In the place where you choose
To make your dreams come true.
you watched me cry
Held my hand
Told me you would be here.
Sometimes am with you
But your heart isn't in it
We are miles apart.
And yet am with you.

If only you could be
That guy I see in some places
Who wears his heart on his sleeve
Not afraid to tell me
He loves me more than anything
Someone that will hold me
In the middle of the street.
kiss me when his friends are watching_
hold my hand as we sit in a restaurant
And be all over me.

Why won't you try
To give this everything
And make it work.
Somedays I cry my heart out
Waiting for you to see me
And understand what I feel.
You hurt me with your indifference
cold hearted nonchalance.
Like whether I leave or not
Life goes on.
I ask myself
Does he even care?
or am I simply too available
A means to a starving end.
I need you to show me
You're human too
Be vulnerable and open up
I don't want to hurt you, just love you
But you won't even let me.

You drive me to the depths
Of despair, sorrow, pain.
I seek release
Drowning out the emptiness
Filling my belly with *****
Cold frothy alcohol
that brings blessed oblivion.
You push me off a cliff
And I soar
into the blissful world of needles
It's the jump I need
To get me going again.
And then my other friend,
The trusted blade.
My wrists engraved
with stories of tears and blood
Heartbreaks stacked like cards
Broken promises and dreams
I think that sharp pain
Will block out the numbness
From aching in the cold
day and night.
You slowly lead me to my death.

I want to know
that it will be okay.
I won't have to hurt
or be alone.
That you will walk with me
Stick by my side like a shadow.

I want to know
You will love me back.
Even when you don't get me
And I don't get you.
Love should be about two people
that want to be there for each other.

I want to know
that you won't leave.
Even when you're mad at me
I need you each day
I want you more than can be possible
I want to make you happy.

I love you now.
You don't think it will last
I might move on tomorrow.
Love someone else
Forget everything we had.

My love,
Even if I loved again
I would still remember
Everything about you.
Would dream of your kisses
And crave your touch.
You were my first
you imprinted on me.
I will never forget you.

Even when I lie in our bed
With someone else
I will hold you close
You loved me first.
I will think about you
Before I sleep.
And wonder if you think about me
In your bed where you took me
Over and over again
And made me yours.

Even as I kiss him
I imagine your face
Your lips
How you look into my eyes
As you take me.
How you hold me close after.
in your bed and mine
We made a vow.
To always love.