I don't have a lot of optimism left,
Had that trampled out a while ago.
With good for nothing people and crushed dreams.
Again and again stomped upon.
I don't have memories left,
Of good times i once had.
Write it off to disappointment and heartbreak.
I don't have much left,
Having had everything wrung out.
Look at me as a shell.
Holding a vacuum within.

You will never know how much,
How much I long for you.
I don't want to meet your eyes,
Am afraid you might see through me.
See my deepest thoughts,
Find them colored with you.
I tell myself I don't need you,
Convince myself you're wrong for me.
It hurts too much,
You matter too much.
My every tear is tied to you,
You didn't call, you didn't want me too.
How can I be rid of you,
When I can't think of anything but you?
You break my heart and somehow its only you who can fix it.
I want to be with you,
Somehow you're what I need.
Can you feel it too?

She has such a sad soul.
My arms reach out to her almost without me noticing.
She wears her pain like a veil:
Blocking out the world and keeping her cocooned in a shell.
I can still see the history of suffering,
The longing for less.
More invites pain like a beacon.
Keep her safe, I whisper to the angels.

The darkness calls out my name
When I walk past it's yawning hole.
It reaches out fingers like a gnarled tree base
and brushes them against my face.
It leaves a trail, moist and humid.
I settle into the abyss.
My thoughts and body laid to rest.

There is no such thing as us.
It's just you and me and all the people out there.
They don't want to feel alone so hold on to hope.
Someday they will meet a partner and begin to morph so their desires meet.
They put them first hoping its enough to make them stay.
But in the end people leave,
It's what they were meant to do.

Is love the ache I get when you're far away?
The smile that breaks upon my face when I catch
you looking at me.
The urge I get to kiss you when you meet my eye and catch your teeth between your lips.
I want to love you with my eyes, lips, body and soul.
Love you so you forget everyone that loved you before.
Take you on a trip you won't forget and tell you this is it, the beginning of forever.
To wake up next to you and watch you sleep.
To hold your hand when we have nothing to say and its enough.
I want to be with you everyday and know that I chose to be here.

There's a hollow in my chest from where my heart used to be.
An aching emptiness where you curled up and filled me.
You got up and took my heart with you.
Now I long to feel its beat against your chest as you kiss me.
Won't you kiss me one more time?
I want to feel the fire spread from my lips to my toes.
I want to press my body to yours.
I want to make you love me.
Will you love me?

I keep thinking of you and me,
Me and you.
You say you love me,
I say I need you.
I should have told you instead that at night when am all alone,
I long for you to hold me.
I want to tell you that you're all I think about, but you won't believe me.
You think am using you as a lifeline to get through the pain.
You can't see that my every need is tied to you.
Loving you,
Being with you.
Making you mine.
I am a wreck without you.

I want to sob into your chest, tell you my hopes and dreams.
Have you next to me as I face my fears.
I draw my strength from you.
I want you to yearn to be with me, as much as am dying to be with you.
I am crazy about you, why can't you see that?

I want to sink into your embrace,
Kiss my breath, past and pain into you,
Draw in your history, pain and life,
share myself with you.
It's only you for whom I cry,
It's you my heart beats faster for.

She couldn't go back to the place she called home.
It was no longer her own when he brought her in.
The other woman he had said was just a friend.
They crossed her threshold with fingers entwined,  a mockery of her vows.
She felt the chills of someone walking over her grave.
She watched him sleep in their bed with someone else.
Watched him love someone else in the house their children grew up in.
She walked away when she couldn't take more.
He broke his promises when he loved again.
Her house was nothing but a shell.

I found more,
When I walked out of the warmth of your arms into the freezing cold.
I looked beyond you and me,
There were so many other little things to fill up the space.
I tested the boundaries of our love to see if they were real.
I found addiction and obsession, things more powerful than your indifference.
I wanted to be loved singlemindedly, you gave me tolerance.
I lost myself along with you.
In half thought decisions and hasty actions.
I told myself you didn't care.
But why do you look at me with disappointment?
I wanted more but instead I lost you,
You could be everything.

It's been a long day,all I want to do is to run into your arms and hug you. I need to hold you and let go of the day's weight on my brittle shoulders. I am hoping you missed me and can't wait to be with me too. As soon as I walk into the door your questions start. They cut through my walls and leave me trembling on unsteady legs, my hands protecting my plummeting heart.Who was he? why did he drive me home?
I try to explain but you hear what you want to. You push me further and further away with your hurtful words. I tremble and cower, your harsh blows break the yoke of the world on me. I whimper and beg, It feels so cold out here where you left me when you walked away. I hold the pieces together with my bundle of nerves, frayed at the edges. I am lost.

Your silence drowns out my thoughts,
Your voice louder than the echoes of loneliness.
Your words overwhelm my mute resolve,
I hold on to nothing that suddenly seems like everything.
You push me further away,
Beyond your circle where I once had a special place.
The space you once occupied is empty,
And yet memories of your gestures hover in mid-air.
You changing your mind,
You walking away.
You didn't say goodbye.

Talking to you in the late hours of the night
Has become my lifeline.
Its my favorite time of day,
Where I don't have to feel alone ,
Knowing you are here.
You want to be here.

My heart flutters and pleasure builds,
You like me too.
I say I miss you even though its only been a day.
You say you need to see me and I am lost.

You have become my friend and lover in such a short time.
Giving me love and companionship in equal measure.
I can't help calling you, if only to hear your voice.

You were there as I crumbled,
Caught up in my whirlwind of tears.
You helped me pick up the pieces,
Broken and taped over pain.
Showed me it didn't have to hurt.
You offered a distraction,
and stole my heart.
I am caught up in your circle.

I tried to write a poem about you,
None of the words seem to fit right.
You're the half to my tragic self,
and somehow it isn't all bleak.
You take my breath away with moments I didn't see coming.
I fall deeper each day,
Knowing you will catch me.

Who I am falls apart, when you're here.
I can't think straight, I don't want to.
You make me see things different.
I lose myself in you.
You're in every corner of my mind,
Chasing memories of when I was with you.
I look into your eyes and beg you
To take me.
I'm trying to find a place in your mind.
Where we can lie and fall in love.

I want to write my memory all over your body.
With kisses born of love and longing,
Passion fostered from your embrace.
I want to fit my body to yours and hold you,
Breathe in as you breathe out.
Leave you with images of me content in your arms.
Wrap your arms around my name,
Write your love across my heart.
I am yours to hold through the night.
I want to imprint myself on you.

With each whisper, you draw me out of my shell.
The words that lull me to let my guard down so you can reach me.
You let me know there is something you see,
The reason why you keep trying to get in.
I sting you with my words and insecurities.
You soothe me with words formed of love.
Even when I push you away, you come back and hold me.
That is exactly what I need.

I wither and die as I sit by the phone,
watching,waiting and hoping you will call.
Just today, be the one I need to hold my hand.
Act like you want to have me near, and not let go.
My resolve is wearing thin, my faith wearing down.
I need my lover to have my back.
Lately I feel like you aren't here.
Even when am next to you, you look through me.
You are full of pain and hot blades of rejection.
Why can't you just open up like a children's book,
letting me enter your enchanted world,
where you and I are in love again.
Just today, tell me you love me,
even if only for a while so I can smile.
write me texts and call to hear my voice,
lay me down on a wishing well so I can hope.
Talk to me like you care, like you always did.
Stay with me like you never left.
Just today, love me.

I wonder how you do it, the callousness and flippancy.
Breaking my heart in one fluid move and crossing over to someone else.
Do you love her? Is she a toy like I was?
A passing fancy for a day, a discarded rag the next.
I wracked my mind in search of a clue, that you loved me a little.
It's hard to watch her cry the same over you.
To roll herself in a ball of agony am comfortable enough to call home.
Beating up herself with thoughts that she wasn't enough,
That somehow she is flawed.
I know you're the broken one,
You try to *** your cracks with broken pieces of us.
It's not enough, it never is.
I shudder to think that others will know this pain.
And yet if you came by and asked me to come back,
I would leap like the flick of a guilty pleasure into your arms.

You tie me up in knots that are intricately woven,
lead me through the pool of tears,each step an anguished sob,
wracked from a bruised chest that is battered from pain.
Yet still I follow you to the ends of the earth, losing myself in you.
Waiting for a smile when you see it fit to really look at me,
when you notice the tired lines round my eyes from constantly watching you.
You suspend me on a string of suspense drawing me further from what I want.
I exist in an inanimate state where thoughts of you cloud all logic.
I reach for you in the dark and my fingers go right through you,
You are merely a ghost of what I need, disintegrating with each passing hour.
Am drowning my sorrows in a pool of illusions,
seeing only what I need to, feeling only what I can stand.
I lose track of what is a manipulation of my mind and what is real.
You are here with me and yet I can look right through you.
A master of deception and flattery, I am helpless to fight your charms.
I am lost in a reality full of dreams created by you.

It felt like goodbye when you held me,
Loosely like you didn't crave my warmth.
Your breath was relaxed and you went to sleep as we lay in each other's arms.
You couldn't meet my eye and I knew it was over.
I chocked back my tears hoping you wouldn't feel the sobs racking my body.
You went to sleep so am guessing you missed it.
It felt like goodbye when you watched me leave.
You made no move to hug me or ask me to stay.
The mild confusion in your eyes comforted me into thinking maybe I was wrong.
You didn't say a word though,
I heard goodbye in the silence of the air.
You didn't call and I felt you let go,
In the anticipation of a call that never came,
The sorrow of an expectant heart beating on even after its broken.
I cried and you didn't hear the screams of my shredded sanity.
I felt your goodbye in the love that smothered my hope,
When you didn't say anything.

I promised not to cry the next time I turned my back on you.
But I couldn't help it.
I broke my heart in a million pieces and left them behind.
Am aching to watch your smile,
your beautiful innocent smile.
I miss the sound of your voice,
That maniacal laugh only you have.
The space where you lay just a moment ago is smooth and clear.
No trace of you remains.
You were trying so hard to be strong but instead I saw the pain;
Buried beneath a false facade of bravado and charisma.
You said it was ok but I saw the aching loneliness and fear.
It hurts so much to let you go but I know it has to be done.
I hope some day you will understand because I don't.

Every night at the exact same time,
You toss and turn in your bed.
Sleep eludes your tired eye lids.
Counting sheep knows no victory.
You're alone and heartsick.
Your mind won't leave you alone.
You feel every inch of your bed,
The creases in the sheets too.
It would be much easier if you weren't alone.

You could be happy with some other girl,
but instead you're sitting at my porch waiting.
I don't want to get the door cause am scared.
What if we don't work out?
I know am supposed to give this the benefit of the doubt.
But cut a sad eyed damsel some slack.

I don't wanna run before I walk, leap before I look.
what if it's the last coherent thought I have?
I have loved you once before and lost myself.
All that remained was a mess that you helped make.
I have heard it all before, the endless lies and empty promises.
You aren't going to change, you never did before.

I want to run somewhere far away where you won't come looking.
I need to clear my head, I need to breath again.
You are haunting my dreams and reality.
I can't go down the roads we used without finding your shadow.
You're a part of the pain I know, you rest on the burden I carry.

I don't want to open my door, I don't want to start this cycle again.
It ends at the tip of a precipice, where push comes to shove.
I want to start over, I want to erase the moments we wasted loving.
It's a bad idea to dream, even worse to be in the same space.
You could be happy, If you just left.

In the night as you sleep,
I miss you and your touch.
Its so lonely without you here.
I have to face my fear of being alone.
You text me throughout the day,
When happy, sad or stressed.
You instinctively run to me,
And that warms my heart.
You're the one I think of,
Each minute and hour.
Am falling in love with you.
I need you to stay.

Today I breathed in for 5 minutes,
pure unadulterated air that didn't hurt my throat.
I let go and felt it tickle the inside on my cheeks,

Today I felt my heart beat again,
thump thump like a bass drum.
I let go and breathed your scent in.

Today I felt tingles go through my body,
as you held me and pulled me close.
I let go and felt your heart beat against mine.

Today I opened my eyes and looked into yours,
as you kissed me and watched me through hooded lids.
I let go and kissed you back.

Today I fell in love with you,
as you fell in love with my hands and smile.
I held your hand and lay in your arms.
This is the essence of life as I breathe in your scent,
and burrow in your embrace.

Slow down little one,
The world is still your playground.
A place where you can frolic.
It's not a jail for your happiness.
It's not yet time to worry,
the adults can do that for you.
Remain in your bubble,
It will keep you safe.

You told me you didn't want me,
I just didn't want to listen.
You ******* with my heart and soul,
That I had naively offered to you;
as proof of my love for you.
You messed me up and didn't care.
And all I can ask is why.
Why did you change your mind about loving me?
Was it all a dream when you held me?
I thought you were something new,
and instead you ******* me over.

I know you're lying awake.
Thinking of moments you held me last.
Your heart quickens its thump,
As you remember me touching you.
We lay together in the dark so much,
Holding hands and watching stars.
That was when we fell in love.
Somehow our souls recognized each other,
Now I need you to breathe.

What are we but mere winds that blow where the gods whim,
A vessel for their favor and wrath.
If I should walk two steps and stumble,
maybe fate was delaying my death.
I took destiny by the scruff of his neck and bowed him to my will.
As master, I decide which road to take,
One least used by the gods mortal hands.
I will not relinquish my puppet strings to the immortals.

This is what I think I want;
A heart that's mine,
Longing to love me and hold me.
I want to watch your eyes light up,
when you see me passing by.
I need you to chase after me,
because you forgot to hug me goodbye.
To tell me this is real,
and you don't want to lose me.
Tell me its okay to cry,
I don't have to do it alone.
Cause you will hold my hand,
and listen to my sorrows.
I want to lie next to you,
and hear you catch your breath;
when I run my fingers through your hair.
I want to catch the shift from sated to desperate.
Take me as you want, I am yours.
Love me recklessly, I beg.
I want someone to call in the night,
Just so I don't feel alone.
Someone to whisper that they miss my smile,
Even as I smile over the phone.
I want to belong to you,
Like you belong to me.
I need you to need me.

I hate it when you talk down to me.
Relax this and breathe out that.
You need a break, it doesn't matter.
I am not a little child anymore,
Little more than someone to be led,
Down this way, up by the creek.
You can't tell me what to do.
Get some rest, you will be calm tomorrow.
Do I look like I want to be calm?
Stop telling me what to do,
I hate how you sound like a *******.
You make me want to scream.
Leave me to be mad in peace.

It's been 5 years since I last saw you,
Your secretive smile and weird way of cocking your head.
I miss how you used to laugh at my silly jokes.
Pull me close and just hold me.
I wonder If you visit our old haunts,
Places we used to visit when you loved me and the long winding road.
We walked hand in hand under the stars,
Dancing in the rain and listening to the wind.
I sometimes wait outside your house,
Hoping for a glimpse of you.

Daddy walked out on us when I was 6,
It really broke my heart.
I was supposed to be his little girl,
He called me his princess.
He built me castles and bought me ponies,
Taught me to sing and dance.
I thought we had forever,
But that never lasted a moment more.

Daddy has another daughter,
Prettier and younger than me.
He carries her around,
It breaks my heart.
He was supposed to be my daddy,
But somehow I don't see him here.
Holding my hand,
Taking me to school.
He doesn't love me anymore.

Daddy said I can share a room with his other girl,
But I don't want to.
He was mine first.
He doesn't come to see me anymore,
It's all my fault.
If I had been good he wouldn't have left.

Had I known it was the last time I would see you,
I might have stayed away.
You see, it's easier to dream about you.
The way you look at me then glance away,
the half knowing smile on your lips.
Sometimes how you pull me in for a hug and don't let go.
I think of you and all the things we could do.

Instead I came to see you,
heart fluttering in my chest.
The door was unlocked,
You weren't alone.
Watching you with someone else tore me apart.
You couldn't hear me whimper over the sound of your laughter.
I walked away, barely seeing through the tears pooled in my eyes.
I left my heart at your door in pieces.
Put it in an envelope marked 'Do not return' and slid it under your door.
I didn't want it, would not need it.

Had I known there would be no other time,
I would hold on to you and not let go.
Tell you I loved you over and over.
Give myself up and put you first.

I wanted to see you and talk to you,
Remind you of our first date.
Where you were so awkward, all you did was stare.
I was no nervous I giggled at each joke you said.
We made a bumbling mess of our first kiss.
I thought it would be forever together.

If I had known it was goodbye,
I wouldn't have come skipping to see you.
Bubbling with ideas of what we could do.
I would have stayed away and dreamt of you and I.
I could have stopped myself from walking into a fast moving car.

She sits on a stone carved in marble.
One that shows the beginning and end.
Someone once breathed in this air,
When it was pure and clean.
Its now fouled by bad memories,
Generated by unconcerned minds,
Too steeped in control and anger.
The air shimmers with past and loneliness.
It senses an eternity of solitude.
The girl returns everyday to wait,
Sitting in stillness like stone.
Someday, she says.
Hope shattered into fragments.
Glass showing what could be.
It never would happen now.
She reads the carvings that don't make sense.
Here lies mother, lover, friend.
She had never had one of those,
Not for one day.
She lay on marble and felt its hands wrap around her with cold precision.
It would be okay to not wake up, stone whispered.

My coming of age wasn't all that pretty. I was heartbroken and on a well worn path, trying to exhaust myself to shut off the pain. It worked at
first, as i slumped in the couch and passed out
every night. I couldn't hurt if all my nerves and thoughts shut off. I met a number of guys, each to
help drive me over the edge. I was fast and reckless with nothing left to use. I abused my body and violated my memories, they weren't sacred anymore. Even though I tried to be heartless, I sobbed myself to sleep. When that didn't work I started cutting. At first it was little scratches that were barely noticeable until I began to crave deeper pain. It reassured me that I was still alive since I could hurt. I bled out lines of loneliness and disappointment and it kept the pain contained within me.

I don't remember leaving my story.
I woke up and I was a part of yours.
I thought we could share space,
Co exist in love and harmony.
For a while you smiled,
The pied piper smile that led me by string into your life.
I was happy and carefree.
Throwing away my worries and pain.
Somehow I gave up pieces of me,
So you and I could fit better together.
I lie around waiting for a hug,
It's the only way I come alive.
Even though you wrote me out,
I keep waiting here for you,
To remind me what it's like,
To live, love and smile.
Sometimes you come alive for me.

We once had a connection so strong,
It took my breath away.
And now you're another name that makes me cringe,
You turned out to be an ***,
Why am I not surprised.
You took everything i loved,
Shoved it into a box.
The **** line keeps getting longer,
Am a walking poster.
Hurt me, abuse me.
Wring me inside out.
Tear me apart bone by bone,
Burn me, consume me with flame.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep,
Curling myself into a ball.
It's driving me crazy,
Am so tired.
I need my pain to stop.

I know you want my blessing.
No ******* way!
Should i box up what I feel and smile?
Become bffs with your new girl?
I can't forget you that easily,
You who made sweet love to me.
You stole my heart the first time you smiled at me.
That sweet alluring smile that teased me to come out of my shell.
I was lost before you started to love me back.
You gave me everything and asked for twice that.
I can't walk away from us,
As easily as from a pet.
You were my life.
I want you gone,
I will not be happy for you.

He walked away from me,
Right there at the altar.
Had his eyes glued to someone else.
It broke my heart, broke my soul.
I was lost in time unknown.

She was pretty and petite,
Seemed to have it all.
Why did she need you too?
A mere trophy to show off.

Wish I could beg you to come back
Hold me one more time.
Somehow i still need you.
Even as i lie here broken.