So sad I barely feel any anger anymore.
I dreamed of lashing out
at one point but for what purpose?

Acclaim,
passing notoriety?

I am nothing and I will return to nothing.
I need to cease all notions of ego and pride.

Just need to be as docile and accepting as a rabbit as it's picked off by a coyote. You served your purpose. Or maybe there was none, but it's time to leave anyway.

I sat up in amazement



I took a shower

I wrapped it up

and paid for the left overs.

I smiled at the door ---   the paste lay
in a bowtie

back up in a lamborgini
playing the newest

SMAP

death found me today

I have realized that im a prose writer who just writes with

odd



spacing.

It's time to stop pretending,

Or just time to be courageous and write what im supposed to.

But i cant be here anymore.

2 thousand poems and i have said nothing

it hurts

so much there's a tear in this heart

So much the claws come clawing

So much

the knees dont bend



So much the surprise is apathy and the face is demented like rot on a lung



I hang my head inside. I wrap up the good ones who wont go. Free as ever.

- you

I got a like by a guy,
His name was Mystery

So intriguing and conjuring up images of a night club hack

Poets are usually named Phil
Or Jane

Never the

I squeeze what's left of me

  Tired of pleading.
I scroll through walls of shapeless consumerist
talent show entries, all yelling to be picked.

I'm suceptible to the game too. All for money like a *****.
1 step from putting a ***** up my *** and eating fish larvae
In a bucket like a good mukbanger.
I HATE humanity
I HATE being here.

I HATE being cheated and losing my capacity for love and trust, always on edge.

I don't want to compete anymore. I want silence,   but  I can't drown out the noise, like tinnitus
Drilled into my skull
It's always been this way. But now I'm desperate. & There's no more suppressing it

Never trust someone who doesn't know the difference between jail and prison.
If they tell you they went to prison for shoplifting, or drunk and disorderly they are full of ****;
especially
if they write numerous poems about it. there's only one poem to write,
and it's about sitting in your bed frame watching jerry springer.
The rest are breakfast poems
Stop lying

out on the lawn



you've got packed lunch.

your friends are dumb


and i'm just about to dive
down.


hand me
the torch--


in the bed post
i buried
her,

and she still breathes in my ear

ever after all these years

Don't ever fault yourself for having loved too much
That's like faulting the sky for having gave a desert too much rain to see if at least
one flower could
grow

Turning off for now

windowless blue flake temples
I hope I'm not hated.
I hate myself enough

We're all connected one away or another. If we're all essentially energy in a limitless plane just know that fetus whose brain is suctioned out is you. That ****** thats beaten and laying helpless in a gutter is you. That man ****** the child is you. The patient gouging out his own eye is you. That dictator starving the populous is you. I'm you writing this. You're me reading it. You're everyone and everyone is me. That itch in your arm is the millions as they decay, and the trillions as they echo back from the void; we see the limitless expanse. We feel the emptiness. There's no escaping god when you always were God

I just lost another poem by my finger sliding and hitting a button oh well it doesn't matter. It was ok, I liked the description of a certain woman's hair as 'death' and my heart like a pale sepiatone.
Anyway you win or not or whatever.
I think I'm a loser, or just really don't care anymore.
What's winning if it costs you everything and it's for someone else? Get the **** out of my life.
I hope it's sunny tomorrow so I can feed some ******* ducks in the park

I'm sorry for giving you too much hope
maybe I was too eager to believe myself, because what is worth living for
if you have nothing to put your faith into?
we may as well be dead at that point,
and I'm not ready to die
yet

Rolling hardship up a hill like a hungry peasant

I lay my offering at the temple.
So very lost,
I see no reflection, have we all been
duped

to the
programming 100s

house is the first place to look
, typing them in licking boxes with a mouse any day, in my opinion

Has always worked so far
side-stepped
usually laugh at these, but this made my day
stimulus are  wrong accounts:
17 bodies at a New Jersey nursing home

So what

nothing to do,
    there's a black cloud  in  the bright sun--
crushing leaves as you trudge in
the noon mist

neighbor
is beating a rock with his clump of wood and it makes a
cacophony of bass-
lit, I wish I had the words to say-
just spilling out because there's nothing to keep it in. coming undone and its not
nice, nor that interesting

They make me write I sit down
I've evacuated these bowels countless times
You lean against a fence and leery eyes silently judge what the **** did I do
to
you?

I can't write this poem

  I sit up like a pig & see a half baked moon

Your reason for dissertion & death was inadequate and thus we sentence you to death

My ***** are warm

I'm so alone that I have dreams with no one in them

I'll write a song sometimes while asleep & awake in disgust
As I realize it's a beetle

These quizzical looks warm my starchy heart

Who knew crying was the remedy for sadness
, The only ones who care are your moths and they barely even do

I hope I see you again someday when you're shrunken and pleading for
      ****** blood

These days wrap around me like a prayer
      left unanswered since January so
I drive my car to the Chinese shop
& Squat next to
A bearded man playing a grey shoe

My brain is like a wooden log
& My lung is full of grease & smoke

I am merely a man chasing an expectation
I should give up on love because it's been a force of unrelenting agony
but I grip onto the stem like a monkey choking a stalk

What more do you want from me?
Why do these people exist
  when it's my world?

If anyone knew
They'd point to the dog and say
"Speak"

It wasn't always this way
But sometimes when you reminisce you see the stains of a wasted life and potential like filaments dancing in a stuffy room

The children know as you pass them and their faces contort in disgust
And the dog barks like a ***** being culled from its cave

The dejected and the disorderly;
The castigated and condemned -
You wear your clothes
Like a rucksack and meander through the road as cars hiss past and eventually you stumble somewhere safe for the moment
What is the meaning of this suffering?
Surely it wasn't always this bad, but it has been
& My persistence is merely the persistence of a fool chasing delusion when reality is much more merciful in its blunt assertion

You don't belong
And that's ok too because
nothing matters

Crying when you haven't cried in months feels amazing and euphoric
It wouldn't be nearly as good if it happened every day
I really needed that

This is like my journal now haha
The dove swims
upstream

Nothing to say


Terrible

Pain.

Words. Block. Words. I write. Now I go.    Back to the drawer. Sit down stand up.   Hush hush,  roses for a corpse. You peel me back,  and wash me away.   No one remembers.  Another line to cross . Erase. Fade.  Stay.  strain

It's getting harder but easier all at the same time
I stand in a haze; no longer performative
It used to be an act but I entertain the flies like worn out hazards
Maybe the reason you hate yourself is because it reminds you of what you can't have, which included me
& The days of confusion.
I'll go now

I am a scientist
people are the angle.
a party of it, I will also highlight
extensive issues

done reacting to how minorities
never forget my first Japanese boss.

(at a Japanese company, where this behavior was higher than I've experienced)
curt and ******

data
By the second week
off real quick
overconfident and mean


20 years of experience
Made myself essential very easily;
nobody bothered
Not genius ideas
automating &
pathetically inefficient
for one button

stamps
suh sun

Some tweaker came up to me proclaiming himself Jesus Christ and that he alone is responsible for "**** filters and electric wheels"
I nodded and then said
Yeah but I'm God

He didn't like that

blue
berry,
tongue
sheet nine and ***, tied with tape, mouth full of seed we lay down in a grass dungeon.
hormones
like a fly in a trapped jar,
she straddles the spike and inserts 98
sticks of thermite. dissolving along lines of cold separation. neither knows how,
it descends like
fuel.
poke your eyes,
I **** the man and eat his mistake . Don't pretend there are vibrations anywhere but
here

This is a long year and i've become nocturnal.
I have no routine
but i stick to my lifts.

2020

I had the vision but not the
Insight

flies bite me and you,
your body like a slab of ivory
I never wanted to eat ***** more than when I saw your pink and succulent ****; I tongued it as long as I could.  & you smelled like tangerines and berries, but
watching you try on those cute yet gaudy outfits aroused me the most; the fact you trusted my input.
& you shampooing that dark black hair in the tub with the door open, I never saw a greater contrast between light and dark.
I almost felt love,
I almost felt good in this daydream town- as though astrology was real ,  
   and I hung on to your every word like a happy fool, devoid of
    sorrow--- just awaiting a kiss from your lips,
cherry red

blank

blank
blank
blank
blank


blank

filling up space.


a few strangers--

have a dozen eggs.


I've got no time left,

no dignity--

killing myself in an elevator while
someone
is captive.



going to Arizona,
not the tea.

singing mariachi, in Cancer costumes-
juggling fire,
california heat.
loud,
green,0

no time left--

as though none of this ever
happened

There was nothing I could do. I was a man now as of 4 hours and 22 minutes ago and thus needed to secure myself a job. I could no longer just sit in my room ******* and eat bowls of cereal and resign myself to nothing any longer, nor naively pursue a career in music that wasn't going to happen; I was talented but perhaps I didn't have the drive? I had to get a job. I had to 'do something', so I went online and found the first thing that popped up. It was Macys, a general clerk so I applied and of course the questionnaire was 3 pages and tested my aptitude. Did I have an IQ above room temperature? If so that'd make me a cashier, if not a boxboy. I ended up as a dressing room attendant.
     The interview was fine and was my first. I wore my dad's blue shirt and some shoes I stole a week previous since I didn't feel the need to buy shoes I'd likely be wearing once I rationalized.
I sat in the waiting room and it was before social media and smart phones so I thumbed through some magazines for thirty minutes then was eventually called. The interviewer seated me in a plushy red throne, and he had a nice haircut.
"So what brings you to Macy's" he said to me bluntly.
"I like this store. I shop here a lot and feel like I'd be a good fit" which was a lie; I never in my life shopped there.
" Okay, and tell me a time where you encountered a struggle, and how did you resolve it?"
I had to think for a moment, actually several moments and we sat there in uncomfortable silence for what seemed minutes. I was nervous.
"Ummm, a time I encountered a struggle and had to resolve it? Well there was a little dog that got hit in front of my house before, and all the kids were crying and I consoled them and performed CPR on that dog and he ended up surviving but died later in the hospital. and it was pretty traumatic and a lot of blood"
"okay that sounds heartbreaking, but moreso an experience that relates to working in a retail store"
"I used to sell cookies door to door"
"Yes that seems more relevant" he said while marking his clipboard.
And the interview went on and I felt for sure I blew it, but I shook his hand firmly like I'd always been told and looked him in the eye.
"Thank you, I really appreciate the opportunity" I told him while exiting.
always show gratitude they'd say; well I wasn't grateful and didn't want that job, but I read enough how-to's online. it was an act, an audition and I think I gave a good enough performance. A few days later I got the call and was told to come in for orientation.
I was trapped. It was the beginning.

The next day I decided to go to my friend Pat's house, I practically lived there and even had a bed in his room, why his family tolerated it I don't know. But I'd be there around five days out of the seven - it was my sanctuary.
"Yo Pat, I'm coming over"
"Ok, seeya in 15" and I'd be there in 15.
And he was also of legal age to buy alcohol which I still couldn't at that point; he always bought me all the Mickeys and Steel Reserves I wanted.
"yo Pat, can you get me some *** ****?"
"That **** again? Alright be right back"
And he'd go out and get it for me, why I don't know considering he rarely drank.
And he had a cool hookah set-up which I'd buy the flavors for so I think that was the trade-off. We smoked that **** for hours, and got horrible nicotine highs and were basically asthmatic after inhaling all of that vapor, but it was something to do, and we'd even invite our Turkish friend over, Babook.
Babook thought he was black and liked to argue hip-hop and would quickly wear out his welcome but he provided some amusement we thought.
"KANYE WEST IS THE GOAT OF RAP NO CAP FAM"
He would say all these phrases that in 2012 were very corny and try-hard but now are part of the youth-vernacular
"bro, Babook, what the **** does "GOAT" mean?" I'd say.
"The Greatest of all time fam. And he is, Kanye slayed with that Dark Twisted fantasy fam, and don't get me started on Graduation fam"
Fam, fam, fam, fam, fam, fam. I hated him.
And he would tug at the hookah and spill the coals on the deck like a ***** and Pat's dad would inevitably come out in his drunken slumber and yell at us.
"WHO DROPPED THE ******* COALS ON THE DECK? YOU PUNKS, CLEAN IT UP!" He would yell while wobbling around and then would stick his wineglass out.
"PAT, FILL HER UP. I'M HALF-EMPTY"
"Dad, you drank 3 bottles today"
"****** FILL IT UP *******!" He'd yell, with his big inflamed tomato nose, and greasy pores which oozed out all of the alcohol from his system.
Pat filled the glass to the brim and it started to overflow.
"AND DON'T HIDE IT FROM ME YA LITTLE PUNK OR I'LL KICK YOUR ***" he'd finally say while wobbling back to bed and sleeping like a corpse in 2 in the afternoon. I felt bad for him. He'd had a hard life. He lost his wife early, or Pat's mother, so I couldn't blame him. He was a very funny guy too for the most part, but his drinking was out of control.
      Eventually Babook got bored and decided to leave after dropping some more coals, and Pat's dog George skittered out from the corner. He licked my toes. He was a pitbull but a big *****. He'd get taken by Ryder, the little rat-terrier chijauaja every night and it had changed him I think. But George loved scritches on his head, and he loved biscuits of which I gave him plently. I ****** on my berry hookah, and he chomped on his biscuits.

we smoked the hookah for a bit more and listened to some records. We had huge *** subwoofer speakers that stood 8 feet tall that we got from goodwill for $20 that would rattle the street. The neighbor was deaf though so he didn't care but would complain of the vibration; we would lower it to accommodate him, he was a decent guy.
We'd play HIghway 61 by Bob Dylan, which we listenened to nearly every time we hung out, Velvet underground - Velvet Undergound, Neil young-  on the beach, Pink Floyd- Animals, and Led zeppelin 4. The classics. We didn't like that filthy hip hop which was so much the rage; I liked some, but the repetition wears. You can't enjoy a hip-hop album, just individual songs.
    Then eventually the coals were reduced to ash on the *** and you'd blow it away like a dandelion to clean it off. Pat's dad Bill came out again at this time.
"PAT, I'm hungry. We need Ihop. NOW. NOW" He'd say while shaking and in a daze.
"AND I NEED ANOTHER GLASS, you gave me a PUSSSY shot the last time"
Pat filled Bill's glass a third.
"Dad if you're driving, then you can't drink too much"
"I KNOW I don't want to LOSE my licesnce again "
It was his 2nd DUI. He seemed alright to drive though; he'd sleep off his drunks pretty quickly; maybe the 2 hours sobered him enough.
   Anyway we started down the road whilst sweat dripped from Bill's reddened face & as he clutched the wheel with violence.
Today would be a fine day to die I thought

I just wish you would stop persisting with this relationship.
You know its doomed, there's no compatibility, we're going to fail etcetera etcetera. And I tell you this so as to save the trouble of endlessly getting burnt and disappointed and you blame me for it?
It's not my fault you refuse to wake up when I already have

broomstick in hand. The table was clear and the hounds were laughing.
You left to West Virginia bro and gave me your machete, it's dull asf.
I will go dig a grave and think of a silly tune.
Watch out for bears, and don't trip on any wires;::;;;:;;!;;!;
💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥💥💥💥💥🔥🔥

my dad is so proud,
he hammered some plywood against his deck
to sort of act as make shift walls

it looks ameteurish and cheap and I don't quite understand the purpose,
but I love seeing his enthusiasm

and after a while it did become cozy. the thin, wobbly plywood
added charm, and my morning coffee seemed much
warmer
I sip slowly, and a bird arises from its nest of twigs

1000 miles is not any man youd wanna see anyway.
Really gross experience,
I won't write about it.         Banning is a *******

Pennies hang in the balance
lions roar in a cathedral of liars
the smoke bellows out the infant's crested lung
THE permeable saints make way for the dung serpents
Another man died tonight
and I couldn't care less
just do it next time, and with conviction

I always hated protein bars that were too chewy
takes too long to eat
and makes my jaw sore  .

The strawberry vanilla flavor    is lit tho.

haven't had herbal supplements
but theyre good for quad development.

can bench 300

Facebook    has   my ****  pics     I      had  granolla

pig hands wrapped in  your ****
  I lick It off  , whiel you squeal and your child
sits in the corner,

she laughs.
I cut her ,
  she laughs      and the rain drains down the sewer .

I plunge it deep into your head , ******* your brains     until your eyes bulge out,
no longer singing to your crow.

where is your god when
he goes on holiday?

''Wednesday is a good today,
maybe tomorrow?

maybe tomorrow?"

just say never,
I 'm tired of lies .                 I will no longer walk on grass,
                  I will peel ornages for their scent.

I will eat you,                 and you will see what it means.



daylight , 2 soon.

I don't want this anymore,
so I cut myself, and spill the blood from the fat. Crying in the mirror
big man
with gashes
like

               a                         angry mouse.

I wont tell you
what to do,                       just don't tell me lies.


                              no                             lies


no *******    LIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII­IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS­SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS­SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS­SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS /,,,,,,,,,,;L;L;..//. [


[P[PP[[P[L;L;;LL[O-

Lost again
With a blue cap on in the 20 degree rain
My dog is on a walker

I took a big bite and left some for you

Weve been mistaken for vagrants; that comes with being clean and 23

I was thinking about you
I have my geetar
Play me a song about your sorrows, mostly
Made up

4:53


walking down the *****, and my stomach is growling.


''WHO HERE IS A HOMOSAPIEN?"

one of the random street people yells out.

no one confirms it

and the clouds vanish.


skateboards flip on the ramp and a few girls talk to themselves as they pound on a keypad---
some guy in ASIA wants to see nudes-
they send them.


out the back a canary sings to vultures and is then promptly eaten.

I go starving.

I go running.

running go, jam
to jukebox with juice on the side.


girl points laughs
''CREEP''

I swear to god, happened 3 days ago, but she was young and I was working and wearing all black and covered in meat blood.

I go home and sit in silence,

and pick at my nails and bite them down to skin.


god gave me a brain,
but what was the point really?

blamed for everything
blamed for taking the trash out
at dawn whilst the clovers crumble beneath the rain
and the ladybugs
roll over

blamed for
eating a **** without a fork
and ****** my
cousin

blamed for killing myself and leaving extra
fragments in the sink
to pick out
along with the medulla oblomgota

blamed for fighting a lost cause (this is justified, I blame myself too)

blame for picking up the pieces of yesterday's evacuation
blamed
for the Israeli's killing my
infant in a street square
blamed for crying when I'm not  sad

blamed for dancing
when im dumb like a duck
\
blamed for breathing
when I should be laughing

blamed for smiling
when I'm mad

blamed for
going out on a tuesday
to go
tickle some
   kittens

blamed for leaving it out overnight
so it's no longer moist

blamed for wearing a
black cap
  
blamed
for working too little

blamed for seeing only 1 side

blamed for nothing but the truth
blamed by
god

I blame you

Is think about yourself.
I don't write this.  I don't need to know why    I just need proof that it was there, and actually lived, not a fading shadow or a lost thought

Life is like one bad dream on repeat

I forget all the faces, and it's mildly amusing on recall
Somewhere I jumped off a building
and caressed a nun then became president, and for what
Just to suffer

The only good part of life is ***
And it's barely good
and a mere bargaining token

I sleep to get away from the dreaming;
The best
Is when you remember nothing, and that's where I'll be when I'm dead, you can be in heaven

There is 5 feet of snow outside my door.
There are toppled trees
and mangled branches.
There are fires in a distant hellscape and cannibalized flesh juicy to the touch.
There are mothers clutching infants with hollowed out eyes and distended bellies.
There are tongues cut off and thrown into a barrel.
There are leeches clinging to a healthy man.
There's an ape imitating a man and a monkey ******* on a teenager's nub.
There is a pit of food but no forks.
There is a laughing clown but no comedy.
There is a drooling dog and an emaciated cat.
The fountains filter no more and the leaves rustle in the abyss.
No shade, no shelter, no hope. so
I go back
In my room and lay down

why do you wear a mask?

it it because
you have a face that wouldn't justify the artificial madness?

a pretty,
clean face,
devoid of lines and sorrow.

a coddled existence.

no it wouldn't suit
your
******
*******
gonnorhea
swill
click-clack
that I can do blind-folded-

so you hide.

well I'm right here junior,
and I have everything on the line.

I've long become estranged to the world,


who are you?

up at 4:43 writing a poem as though writing a good one will change anything.
I have 600 poems and nothing has changed.

maybe it allows me to notarize and organize my life in certain stages by writing this stuff
even though I can go months without composing anything.

But maybe I'll say something which finally
       allows me to run naked through the hills.

something which allows me to go behead the president and take a ****
in front of a news camera on the most prominent station.
If I **** my own ****
it's only due to my long neck;
6-7 inches is nothing nowadays when competing with **** in which  every female is a consumer.

I am for sure
going to the post office tomorrow; my book of zen arrives.
It says be water, so I'll run

who was that?

WHO was THAT???


who was that?


who WAS that?

that.

who was that?

was that, who?

WHO?

who

who was?

who was that,
and what was that,
but really who was that,
that was a who?



anyway we need more drugs

******* toes wasn't as great as I thought it'd be prior to first doing it.
I always imagined that it'd taste like like candy. It tasted like a hand. A flavorless hand. I was so underwhelmed. Everything is always a lie, even feet

Plotting everyday

Only thing keeping me sane.
You're not real.
My thoughts are somewhat real.
Consciousness is an illusion.
I melt into the infinite.
My dreams are uncertain.
Pacing the escalator to heaven.
Pierced by apathy.
Armed with anger.
Dripping with malice.
I'll find a way.
Losing it all
Means I win.