she's finally gone,
and I'm happy for her.
I felt like I was an abusive owner to a kitten feeding it nasty leftovers and barely attending to it when just over the fence was a loving home that would have gladly taken her in and provided the care she deserved. She's probably sad now, but it'll just be for a little while.
sometimes the grass is greener, and I'm glad
she'll be able to find that out,
and find out that she can be loved, just not by the likes of
me
So long, it was something...
<3

Happy for me is not being crippingly depressed. Im happy. I can make pancakes at 2am and be ok. I'm ok. I will sleep fine. But I still think of you

Mushrooms
My lady is staring at me with love
Bono is being weird
I wrote a little poem
This is fun
I probably have brain stuff
Profoundly profound. . Jnndmrkrke jdj

Death awakened me and it was like a handshake in pale light. I felt the immediate reverberation of a dismal fleck of starlight harangued in the glossy aether.
   To pass away meant passing by. The painter wipes the last of the blue hues on his apron, the weathered book clasps shut, I see a dog running and a fountain trickle down a path to my home. Somewhere I've never been, but always remembered.

I'm alone whilst touching flesh, heart to heart, blood to blood.
Sticks for hands grab at a bended waist and the hair tangles with every ******.
I can now forget to blow out my head, I'll be late anyway

I just wrote a huge poem and the ******* website ''404''d on me.

it was poking fun
at people who believe in interdimensional space time travel
and transcendent alien beings
and now it's gone


but i think that's more a comment on existence than my previous
poem any way


this is all a joke

******* is what life is about. Splatters. Humor.  Who gives a ****.
Reinhardt
Black.
Rothko pastel majesty .
Ambiguous, neurotic yet disciplined .
Like a blind horse let loose among the plains. No rider to be found

No ****** and taming
No collars among beasts.

Wide space, wide flowing air.  Galloping and triumphant while the weeds bend against the might

she sold
poems


she sold
linen


she folded
cotton


she ate
biscuits


I  prayed on thursdays


I sat
on porches


I played violins


I played
clarinets


I    ate
greeen

I spelled
neanderthal



I drew
pictures
of lanterns


I dreamed of   your face.


I crawled in the   cold.


I begged

for a better
bag.


I   denied
the toad.


I froze
the throne.

I am
the dusty
thorn.



you took too long.


and now it seems there's only 3 ways

but only 1
code.


don't say     I   was afraid

People have too much hope

on the public transit at 3:30  stepping side by side  in gumball
dreary.

poured  the two birds into the cup
and ate half the leg over a fire thinking about the days of old
when a man could sit stiff legged
with her camel lady.


still not far from the zenith
and the oncoming  traffic and blaring noise  and meterorite has yet to claim a deciple.

the koreas are united
and i said a prayer in gesture,

I looked at a news

page then disappeared into grass --

big heads
for the  people who   spend too much time sniffing

sn

I wear the
glove

the tight red glove
that shines    under the light of the desktop monitor.


I feel the notches in
the pig
skins

and I feel the braided hair

and I feel the slimy

glue
that is pressed on    the cheeks like so.


I wear my red glove

and I drive to the hill
where I  pray for forgiveness

I got paid today

oh I got paid

it was 3 chestnuts  and a used pair of socks straight from goodwill.

still musty

and with plenty of lint.


I work hard so I can feed my mouse

there's an obligation to not
**** sometimes


but I still hear the humming

I still use words like 'clack'
and 'void'

and mist is always evocative of a nice nostalgic moment.


but
my obligation really is just to get through the day

I put this out   because I like noise

the air escaped the cramped room and made a large sound .
I heard
the Russian jabbering while she flicked her cigarette in the dust bowl.

hissing out in the corner
with the Italian and his wifebeater
cackling in the star flake


I only drink water when I need to.

still I'm here and
i'm only doing a little to get by.

like an extended stay at the funny farm --

no pigs
only goats

and your fowl

a nameless poem as you skulk around in your winter coat;
running water
with a rusty faucet.

He got his first tattoo; so did the mail clerk, and
lady  making stew.  We peel away our desires.
last I tried, I looked up to a haze and stole my own dreams . IF you want to speak unwind your tongue.
fissures
  on a back
  like steely remains.  Demons may only dissolve in cool
lava ,
beat away the forces that keep you repressed. & Don't apologize
ever again

even in this uninhabited niche corner of the Internet where I'm mostly anonymous
& mostly free from criticism seeing as
as barely anyone engages or comments,
I still feel guilty 'venting' or
coming across
as weak
I'm truly hurting here, and I wish I had someone to pour myself into
But
I'm not as strong as
I think I am

I'm held up with tape & bandages, and I need to let go of the act.
I'm only human, and this pain isn't a state of mind,
it's an alarm to my senses & psyche telling me I
Need help, & I need to change
because this is clearly no longer
working

laying

down on a

sofa

in the dirt.


my eyes

are open and the air
is rubbing-



wine in the freezer,


hamster
in the cage.


2 spongebobs in the hamper



love is just a 4 letter word

but so

is ****

I can't write this poem

  I sit up like a pig & see a half baked moon

Your reason for dissertion & death was inadequate and thus we sentence you to death

My ***** are warm

I'm so alone that I have dreams with no one in them

I'll write a song sometimes while asleep & awake in disgust
As I realize it's a beetle

These quizzical looks warm my starchy heart

Who knew crying was the remedy for sadness
, The only ones who care are your moths and they barely even do

I hope I see you again someday when you're shrunken and pleading for
      ****** blood

These days wrap around me like a prayer
      left unanswered since January so
I drive my car to the Chinese shop
& Squat next to
A bearded man playing a grey shoe

My brain is like a wooden log
& My lung is full of grease & smoke

I am merely a man chasing an expectation
I should give up on love because it's been a force of unrelenting agony
but I grip onto the stem like a monkey choking a stalk

What more do you want from me?
Why do these people exist
  when it's my world?

If anyone knew
They'd point to the dog and say
"Speak"

It wasn't always this way
But sometimes when you reminisce you see the stains of a wasted life and potential like filaments dancing in a stuffy room

The children know as you pass them and their faces contort in disgust
And the dog barks like a ***** being culled from its cave

The dejected and the disorderly;
The castigated and condemned -
You wear your clothes
Like a rucksack and meander through the road as cars hiss past and eventually you stumble somewhere safe for the moment
What is the meaning of this suffering?
Surely it wasn't always this bad, but it has been
& My persistence is merely the persistence of a fool chasing delusion when reality is much more merciful in its blunt assertion

You don't belong
And that's ok too because
nothing matters

Crying when you haven't cried in months feels amazing and euphoric
It wouldn't be nearly as good if it happened every day
I really needed that

This is like my journal now haha
The dove swims
upstream

Nothing to say


Terrible

Pain.

Words. Block. Words. I write. Now I go.    Back to the drawer. Sit down stand up.   Hush hush,  roses for a corpse. You peel me back,  and wash me away.   No one remembers.  Another line to cross . Erase. Fade.  Stay.  strain

It's getting harder but easier all at the same time
I stand in a haze; no longer performative
It used to be an act but I entertain the flies like worn out hazards
Maybe the reason you hate yourself is because it reminds you of what you can't have, which included me
& The days of confusion.
I'll go now

I am a scientist
people are the angle.
a party of it, I will also highlight
extensive issues

done reacting to how minorities
never forget my first Japanese boss.

(at a Japanese company, where this behavior was higher than I've experienced)
curt and ******

data
By the second week
off real quick
overconfident and mean


20 years of experience
Made myself essential very easily;
nobody bothered
Not genius ideas
automating &
pathetically inefficient
for one button

stamps
suh sun

Some tweaker came up to me proclaiming himself Jesus Christ and that he alone is responsible for "**** filters and electric wheels"
I nodded and then said
Yeah but I'm God

He didn't like that

blue
berry,
tongue
sheet nine and ***, tied with tape, mouth full of seed we lay down in a grass dungeon.
hormones
like a fly in a trapped jar,
she straddles the spike and inserts 98
sticks of thermite. dissolving along lines of cold separation. neither knows how,
it descends like
fuel.
poke your eyes,
I **** the man and eat his mistake . Don't pretend there are vibrations anywhere but
here

This is a long year and i've become nocturnal.
I have no routine
but i stick to my lifts.

2020

I had the vision but not the
Insight

flies bite me and you,
your body like a slab of ivory
I never wanted to eat ***** more than when I saw your pink and succulent ****; I tongued it as long as I could.  & you smelled like tangerines and berries, but
watching you try on those cute yet gaudy outfits aroused me the most; the fact you trusted my input.
& you shampooing that dark black hair in the tub with the door open, I never saw a greater contrast between light and dark.
I almost felt love,
I almost felt good in this daydream town- as though astrology was real ,  
   and I hung on to your every word like a happy fool, devoid of
    sorrow--- just awaiting a kiss from your lips,
cherry red

blank

blank
blank
blank
blank


blank

filling up space.


a few strangers--

have a dozen eggs.


I've got no time left,

no dignity--

killing myself in an elevator while
someone
is captive.



going to Arizona,
not the tea.

singing mariachi, in Cancer costumes-
juggling fire,
california heat.
loud,
green,0

no time left--

as though none of this ever
happened

There was nothing I could do. I was a man now as of 4 hours and 22 minutes ago and thus needed to secure myself a job. I could no longer just sit in my room ******* and eat bowls of cereal and resign myself to nothing any longer, nor naively pursue a career in music that wasn't going to happen; I was talented but perhaps I didn't have the drive? I had to get a job. I had to 'do something', so I went online and found the first thing that popped up. It was Macys, a general clerk so I applied and of course the questionnaire was 3 pages and tested my aptitude. Did I have an IQ above room temperature? If so that'd make me a cashier, if not a boxboy. I ended up as a dressing room attendant.
     The interview was fine and was my first. I wore my dad's blue shirt and some shoes I stole a week previous since I didn't feel the need to buy shoes I'd likely be wearing once I rationalized.
I sat in the waiting room and it was before social media and smart phones so I thumbed through some magazines for thirty minutes then was eventually called. The interviewer seated me in a plushy red throne, and he had a nice haircut.
"So what brings you to Macy's" he said to me bluntly.
"I like this store. I shop here a lot and feel like I'd be a good fit" which was a lie; I never in my life shopped there.
" Okay, and tell me a time where you encountered a struggle, and how did you resolve it?"
I had to think for a moment, actually several moments and we sat there in uncomfortable silence for what seemed minutes. I was nervous.
"Ummm, a time I encountered a struggle and had to resolve it? Well there was a little dog that got hit in front of my house before, and all the kids were crying and I consoled them and performed CPR on that dog and he ended up surviving but died later in the hospital. and it was pretty traumatic and a lot of blood"
"okay that sounds heartbreaking, but moreso an experience that relates to working in a retail store"
"I used to sell cookies door to door"
"Yes that seems more relevant" he said while marking his clipboard.
And the interview went on and I felt for sure I blew it, but I shook his hand firmly like I'd always been told and looked him in the eye.
"Thank you, I really appreciate the opportunity" I told him while exiting.
always show gratitude they'd say; well I wasn't grateful and didn't want that job, but I read enough how-to's online. it was an act, an audition and I think I gave a good enough performance. A few days later I got the call and was told to come in for orientation.
I was trapped. It was the beginning.

The next day I decided to go to my friend Pat's house, I practically lived there and even had a bed in his room, why his family tolerated it I don't know. But I'd be there around five days out of the seven - it was my sanctuary.
"Yo Pat, I'm coming over"
"Ok, seeya in 15" and I'd be there in 15.
And he was also of legal age to buy alcohol which I still couldn't at that point; he always bought me all the Mickeys and Steel Reserves I wanted.
"yo Pat, can you get me some *** ****?"
"That **** again? Alright be right back"
And he'd go out and get it for me, why I don't know considering he rarely drank.
And he had a cool hookah set-up which I'd buy the flavors for so I think that was the trade-off. We smoked that **** for hours, and got horrible nicotine highs and were basically asthmatic after inhaling all of that vapor, but it was something to do, and we'd even invite our Turkish friend over, Babook.
Babook thought he was black and liked to argue hip-hop and would quickly wear out his welcome but he provided some amusement we thought.
"KANYE WEST IS THE GOAT OF RAP NO CAP FAM"
He would say all these phrases that in 2012 were very corny and try-hard but now are part of the youth-vernacular
"bro, Babook, what the **** does "GOAT" mean?" I'd say.
"The Greatest of all time fam. And he is, Kanye slayed with that Dark Twisted fantasy fam, and don't get me started on Graduation fam"
Fam, fam, fam, fam, fam, fam. I hated him.
And he would tug at the hookah and spill the coals on the deck like a ***** and Pat's dad would inevitably come out in his drunken slumber and yell at us.
"WHO DROPPED THE ******* COALS ON THE DECK? YOU PUNKS, CLEAN IT UP!" He would yell while wobbling around and then would stick his wineglass out.
"PAT, FILL HER UP. I'M HALF-EMPTY"
"Dad, you drank 3 bottles today"
"****** FILL IT UP *******!" He'd yell, with his big inflamed tomato nose, and greasy pores which oozed out all of the alcohol from his system.
Pat filled the glass to the brim and it started to overflow.
"AND DON'T HIDE IT FROM ME YA LITTLE PUNK OR I'LL KICK YOUR ***" he'd finally say while wobbling back to bed and sleeping like a corpse in 2 in the afternoon. I felt bad for him. He'd had a hard life. He lost his wife early, or Pat's mother, so I couldn't blame him. He was a very funny guy too for the most part, but his drinking was out of control.
      Eventually Babook got bored and decided to leave after dropping some more coals, and Pat's dog George skittered out from the corner. He licked my toes. He was a pitbull but a big *****. He'd get taken by Ryder, the little rat-terrier chijauaja every night and it had changed him I think. But George loved scritches on his head, and he loved biscuits of which I gave him plently. I ****** on my berry hookah, and he chomped on his biscuits.

we smoked the hookah for a bit more and listened to some records. We had huge *** subwoofer speakers that stood 8 feet tall that we got from goodwill for $20 that would rattle the street. The neighbor was deaf though so he didn't care but would complain of the vibration; we would lower it to accommodate him, he was a decent guy.
We'd play HIghway 61 by Bob Dylan, which we listenened to nearly every time we hung out, Velvet underground - Velvet Undergound, Neil young-  on the beach, Pink Floyd- Animals, and Led zeppelin 4. The classics. We didn't like that filthy hip hop which was so much the rage; I liked some, but the repetition wears. You can't enjoy a hip-hop album, just individual songs.
    Then eventually the coals were reduced to ash on the *** and you'd blow it away like a dandelion to clean it off. Pat's dad Bill came out again at this time.
"PAT, I'm hungry. We need Ihop. NOW. NOW" He'd say while shaking and in a daze.
"AND I NEED ANOTHER GLASS, you gave me a PUSSSY shot the last time"
Pat filled Bill's glass a third.
"Dad if you're driving, then you can't drink too much"
"I KNOW I don't want to LOSE my licesnce again "
It was his 2nd DUI. He seemed alright to drive though; he'd sleep off his drunks pretty quickly; maybe the 2 hours sobered him enough.
   Anyway we started down the road whilst sweat dripped from Bill's reddened face & as he clutched the wheel with violence.
Today would be a fine day to die I thought

I just wish you would stop persisting with this relationship.
You know its doomed, there's no compatibility, we're going to fail etcetera etcetera. And I tell you this so as to save the trouble of endlessly getting burnt and disappointed and you blame me for it?
It's not my fault you refuse to wake up when I already have

broomstick in hand. The table was clear and the hounds were laughing.
You left to West Virginia bro and gave me your machete, it's dull asf.
I will go dig a grave and think of a silly tune.
Watch out for bears, and don't trip on any wires;::;;;:;;!;;!;
💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥💥💥💥💥🔥🔥

my dad is so proud,
he hammered some plywood against his deck
to sort of act as make shift walls

it looks ameteurish and cheap and I don't quite understand the purpose,
but I love seeing his enthusiasm

and after a while it did become cozy. the thin, wobbly plywood
added charm, and my morning coffee seemed much
warmer
I sip slowly, and a bird arises from its nest of twigs

1000 miles is not any man youd wanna see anyway.
Really gross experience,
I won't write about it.         Banning is a *******

Pennies hang in the balance
lions roar in a cathedral of liars
the smoke bellows out the infant's crested lung
THE permeable saints make way for the dung serpents
Another man died tonight
and I couldn't care less
just do it next time, and with conviction

I always hated protein bars that were too chewy
takes too long to eat
and makes my jaw sore  .

The strawberry vanilla flavor    is lit tho.

haven't had herbal supplements
but theyre good for quad development.

can bench 300

Facebook    has   my ****  pics     I      had  granolla

pig hands wrapped in  your ****
  I lick It off  , whiel you squeal and your child
sits in the corner,

she laughs.
I cut her ,
  she laughs      and the rain drains down the sewer .

I plunge it deep into your head , ******* your brains     until your eyes bulge out,
no longer singing to your crow.

where is your god when
he goes on holiday?

''Wednesday is a good today,
maybe tomorrow?

maybe tomorrow?"

just say never,
I 'm tired of lies .                 I will no longer walk on grass,
                  I will peel ornages for their scent.

I will eat you,                 and you will see what it means.



daylight , 2 soon.

I don't want this anymore,
so I cut myself, and spill the blood from the fat. Crying in the mirror
big man
with gashes
like

               a                         angry mouse.

I wont tell you
what to do,                       just don't tell me lies.


                              no                             lies


no *******    LIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII­IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS­SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS­SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS­SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS /,,,,,,,,,,;L;L;..//. [


[P[PP[[P[L;L;;LL[O-

Lost again
With a blue cap on in the 20 degree rain
My dog is on a walker

I took a big bite and left some for you

Weve been mistaken for vagrants; that comes with being clean and 23

I was thinking about you
I have my geetar
Play me a song about your sorrows, mostly
Made up

4:53


walking down the *****, and my stomach is growling.


''WHO HERE IS A HOMOSAPIEN?"

one of the random street people yells out.

no one confirms it

and the clouds vanish.


skateboards flip on the ramp and a few girls talk to themselves as they pound on a keypad---
some guy in ASIA wants to see nudes-
they send them.


out the back a canary sings to vultures and is then promptly eaten.

I go starving.

I go running.

running go, jam
to jukebox with juice on the side.


girl points laughs
''CREEP''

I swear to god, happened 3 days ago, but she was young and I was working and wearing all black and covered in meat blood.

I go home and sit in silence,

and pick at my nails and bite them down to skin.


god gave me a brain,
but what was the point really?

blamed for everything
blamed for taking the trash out
at dawn whilst the clovers crumble beneath the rain
and the ladybugs
roll over

blamed for
eating a **** without a fork
and ****** my
cousin

blamed for killing myself and leaving extra
fragments in the sink
to pick out
along with the medulla oblomgota

blamed for fighting a lost cause (this is justified, I blame myself too)

blame for picking up the pieces of yesterday's evacuation
blamed
for the Israeli's killing my
infant in a street square
blamed for crying when I'm not  sad

blamed for dancing
when im dumb like a duck
\
blamed for breathing
when I should be laughing

blamed for smiling
when I'm mad

blamed for
going out on a tuesday
to go
tickle some
   kittens

blamed for leaving it out overnight
so it's no longer moist

blamed for wearing a
black cap
  
blamed
for working too little

blamed for seeing only 1 side

blamed for nothing but the truth
blamed by
god

I blame you

Is think about yourself.
I don't write this.  I don't need to know why    I just need proof that it was there, and actually lived, not a fading shadow or a lost thought

Life is like one bad dream on repeat

I forget all the faces, and it's mildly amusing on recall
Somewhere I jumped off a building
and caressed a nun then became president, and for what
Just to suffer

The only good part of life is ***
And it's barely good
and a mere bargaining token

I sleep to get away from the dreaming;
The best
Is when you remember nothing, and that's where I'll be when I'm dead, you can be in heaven

There is 5 feet of snow outside my door.
There are toppled trees
and mangled branches.
There are fires in a distant hellscape and cannibalized flesh juicy to the touch.
There are mothers clutching infants with hollowed out eyes and distended bellies.
There are tongues cut off and thrown into a barrel.
There are leeches clinging to a healthy man.
There's an ape imitating a man and a monkey ******* on a teenager's nub.
There is a pit of food but no forks.
There is a laughing clown but no comedy.
There is a drooling dog and an emaciated cat.
The fountains filter no more and the leaves rustle in the abyss.
No shade, no shelter, no hope. so
I go back
In my room and lay down

why do you wear a mask?

it it because
you have a face that wouldn't justify the artificial madness?

a pretty,
clean face,
devoid of lines and sorrow.

a coddled existence.

no it wouldn't suit
your
******
*******
gonnorhea
swill
click-clack
that I can do blind-folded-

so you hide.

well I'm right here junior,
and I have everything on the line.

I've long become estranged to the world,


who are you?

up at 4:43 writing a poem as though writing a good one will change anything.
I have 600 poems and nothing has changed.

maybe it allows me to notarize and organize my life in certain stages by writing this stuff
even though I can go months without composing anything.

But maybe I'll say something which finally
       allows me to run naked through the hills.

something which allows me to go behead the president and take a ****
in front of a news camera on the most prominent station.
If I **** my own ****
it's only due to my long neck;
6-7 inches is nothing nowadays when competing with **** in which  every female is a consumer.

I am for sure
going to the post office tomorrow; my book of zen arrives.
It says be water, so I'll run

who was that?

WHO was THAT???


who was that?


who WAS that?

that.

who was that?

was that, who?

WHO?

who

who was?

who was that,
and what was that,
but really who was that,
that was a who?



anyway we need more drugs

******* toes wasn't as great as I thought it'd be prior to first doing it.
I always imagined that it'd taste like like candy. It tasted like a hand. A flavorless hand. I was so underwhelmed. Everything is always a lie, even feet

Plotting everyday

Only thing keeping me sane.
You're not real.
My thoughts are somewhat real.
Consciousness is an illusion.
I melt into the infinite.
My dreams are uncertain.
Pacing the escalator to heaven.
Pierced by apathy.
Armed with anger.
Dripping with malice.
I'll find a way.
Losing it all
Means I win.