I was so depressed about 2 hours ago I could barely move

I heard the walls
and the sink washing .

I stepped outside  and saw the cat climbing up the fence,
and the lady
beating her towel
  on a board.

the moon was full --

a rune spelled out.

emptiness, fulfilling.



A PHONECALL;

2 days later.
a video   on demand --  3 channels-- infinite potential.

no work now-

but I   was staring     out   my    car .     too much.   today

Lost my way long ago
doesnt mean I cant find another
path

I hope I meet god so I can spit in his face.
I hope I meet Satan
so I can show him real torturous cruelty
I hope I meet a child so I can say I'm sorry
I hope I meet a mother so I can ask who are you?
I hope I can meet an animal to ask why it's so calm in the face of death
I hope I can meet a star to see where its black heart resides
I hope I can smile when there's nothing left of us
And the tears flow into the dark abyss with everything else, lost & unsure

Tinnitus rings out in an otherwise tapioca colored room with frog mugs lining the dresser

A picture of a flower is sat bent along the wooded beam

There's a dusty web with a spider's 13th ****** hanging behind me

There's a shoe of only 1 lace adorned
& A cutthroat lingering in the hall

If I had to do it all over again
Id be born somewhere tropical
Then drown when
The waves hit me

This is too much

Love is forever they say, through all the nights of psychosis and turmoil and uncertainty, love is forever

Through all the days dreaming of acres of bliss among the green hills and your animals free and alive, love is forever.

Through all the kisses on your wrist when you no longer had the strength to continue, love is forever.

Through all the mania and pain and poverty and suffering, love is forever.

When you weaped uncontrollably and I left for some days because I had to attend to my mental health,
our love was still forever, so why would you betray me?

I knew when you made these promises that I'd be looking back now as a naíve fool, but the love was still real in those moments, it just wasn't forever..

Nuclear armagedden would have been preferable
I always wanted to be a steaming skeleton
And I always wanted to go blind by beauty inconceivable

As I write i feel the humming in my head like a hummingbird pecking fruit. I hear my tinnitus and I hear a running faucet. I hear the distinct sound of nothing and I lay here on my bed with my mesh shorts
I have nothing to say but I've simply reflected on my life quite a bit. I need to make a load of changes. I won't spam poems of despair if I'm not actively making an effort. I have a fair idea how this will all end, but the effort is worthwhile nonetheless.

I have $55
I walk into a grocery store and buy lemons

I walk into a post office and hear hissing

I sold the old stolen bike.

I am a prayer to noone
Battered and bruised but the pain is a reminder of my persistence.

I have moved on from toxic relationships and that has left me with no relationships. Maybe I'm the problem. But I'm not giving up. I'm giving in
To my better self

I  don't want anything   right                                     now

i  want my
bitcoin  to     yield better returns

I guess.


Blue

blue


blue                                              into                 a                lake          of

needles
spelling out

                                                                                     your mistress.


pulse felt
beyond the dead.

beyond here and now.

staring
at you

and   knowing  

it all

one day I'll be gone and we'll both be free

my dreams
are dead


sitting in the trash

can

--
brain matter in my head

my dreams are dead

i am dead

i am dead


no more luck
or glory-

spoons sitting ***** on the table

with the abused
flower


.

no one is here
to hear
it


dreams are
nothing to me now

nothing to me now


i gave up too easily

i don't even know what i wanted

Famous ,5am poem

canned thunder
lofi beats
Snoring cat
Blender upstairs
Fat raccoon
eating larded trash
Moon is full
Rain is wet
Grass is cut
Window is open
Eyes are heavy
Nowhere to go
Still trying to dream
See you
when we wake
up


j

I keep saying every year that this is the day of celebration which finally means absolutely nothing, but I was wrong, there was an even greater threshold for me not giving a ****.
I'm just getting tired of living this flat circle existence

sometimes
you just
sit there asking
yourself
if you're
okay.

''are you okay?"

I sit
and breathe,

and a few
tears
form.

i'm smiling,

and I just like
to hear
a few
crickets
dancing
in
the leaves.

now that
they're
no
longer screaming

bing bing  bing bimmy

blimph
   foo  
ku-   tooo--ooo --booo -


tteee   teeeee
   teee              teeeee           n
cone-shape  blac  
dual
cab

              smack  -head
pinched ­ in  fun- tal
ban   backed pack
  breed
            big   fo   kid ****

hap
  in hull
  
3 skims
socky    low - loo


pump

stepping thru it


stepping


gently

on it--


her hand
is cold-


and her lips are tight


blue emblem
in the crest.



speeding down the road -- your blue bug
is going
the limit

tight roap walker

dancer  to pay
the bills


i'm not one to judge

Im followed by the flies. I killed about 16 of them. I bury them in toilet paper then flush them. I drink my water and sit on my bed. Today was a blur. my coworker is dying and it bums me out. I dont really like him but I dont like to see needless suffering. And other things are getting me down. I am lonely lately and I have no real ambition anymore. I look outside and see Saturn. I see the millennia of refracted light. I see the boulders on the hill and the clouds in the distance. I see the tree still standing because it needs to. I will try to stand too

I've lived a thousand lives
I've sat at thrones
And curled under paper blankets
I've folded my heart
for the vengeful & decadent

I've bled into a gaping chasm
& sold my soul for pennies
, lost all semblance of sanity
incalculable times .
Despaired at the scenic
destruction of a planet amidst competing interests.
Gouged out my eyes so I could see
Suckled at the teet of angels, &
tortured by ravenous imps
smattered in black sorrow.

I have lived,. And I have died.
I exist.
And I see the silver lining.
Somewhere behind the great curtain

i puff on  a popcorn  scented vape

i tilt the fan like so

i look out the blinds

and see a guy strutting around like elvis

i see an old lady
with her 80s Walkman
picking up her dog ****

i see a mailbox that's full and full of amazon junk

i see a cloud whose belly is full
and is ready to spill on the grass

i see a dead ******
on the dirt
i see a horses' dung

i see a
yellow banana dangling from the 2nd story

i see a childs' guts
on the asphalt

I see a 3000 ft ice cream cone

I  see the face of god

I've seen it all

what now

microsoft computer
and the apple
modems


a Viacom tv flicker
and a Sony hologram player


a samsung
automobile

and a blu-tooth
Yamaha

green flower
beaten under the harsh wind

Back to the ugly

Like a cyclical hell.
I was here 7 years ago, & I wondered if things would be different.
All procrastination and all sides quests -

If you're resolute on the end, then it will end.

These people and places I intermingled with were mere distractions.  Happiness is a warm gun
- lennon

LOL

I literally live in a log cabin     in the woods in   central California.
Raccoons eat the

seed.


i 'm gonna chop my ear off
and skin myself

Dumb

Suitcase full of stuff lungs full
Of residue
Off a cliff the rocks sit and pearly doves make their nests it's
too late

I feel like I've suffered brain-damage and it makes me feel bad.  maybe too many nights alone does it.  my vocab is bad  and my thought process is dull and stiff .  I splash water  and burn up a little.
too  think I had it all  .

I   can  still point  at  saturn

Couldn't believe it, I planted a tree, and where was the false
God?

When I look away I fall forward. Nice  to know, account down, so was the  
promise of reclusion. I always find my way back

People hate nature because they see the chaos inherent
in its form,
This reminds then of the unknown and
ultimately death
They aren't in control

the elephants

in the dancing hall
keep stomping on the mouse


the burger -king fries keep beating the lady into submission
until she
stops rubbing the hand-clock

the boy
keeps
kissing the elk as it moans in the night


the cat
keeps slapping the
fool as he tells his
story


the moon keeps
wondering if it's worth
even waking up

God is here
He's got a big face
There's children in the garage
This is wasting ink
Writing for a son
Nowhere to be found

Put a fist up my head
Saw 3 truths
1 about blowing smoke
2 about talking to strangers

Hopefully I can find the meaning down the road
I'm a little sick
And it's whatever
This time it's now

This is the beginning
****** off in my head again
today
it's all the same

Plastic people
Hold my hand
Light a fire so I can dance
Tonight
So uptight

And we got nothing to lose today
And we got nothing to do or say
And we got nothing to lose

Dead corpses
Line the streets
Feeding all the children and the strays
It's all so grey

Picking up pennies for my slavery
Spent it all on my pain
It's another day

And we got nothing to lose

Endless neuroses

pulling the trigger takes courage
Jumping from a burning building
Is an of act of desperation
Where this ends I don't know
I keep walking towards the fire

free

If I would've known i had to do this again
I may as well have just
      retreated into the light

What gives you the right to be so
Unnafraid?

Don't seek advice because know one
Knows shït

Losing my grasp
Agonizing over nothing,
Clinging to a crumbling piece of debris,
I am but a single period within your time.
I am a lonely cloud on a hot day.
I run amok when everyone is smiling.
I am a broken hand and a broken tooth
What I am is the same as yesterday.
Goodbye

Escort
Picked her up on"Eagle" and H
"Hey babe what's your rate?"
"120"
"Okay get in, let's have fun :)"
She gets in and it's pleasant. Her name is Jaeda, and is a soft Latina, smooth and tiny, young. I rub her thigh. Im not a cop. She smiles. She tells me of her home. We drive to the motel. It reeks of smells. I take off my clothes.
"woah your tattoos are crazy"
She slips on a ****** and inserts me in her mouth and starts *******. Bobbing up and down I rub her neck. I hear footsteps upstairs and a screaming lady. I'm hard. She says to insert into her now and mount. I do that and start thrusting. I start pounding her little teen *****, tight as my fist. I pound and pound and she moans and asks something about my hair. It's casual and the *** is an afterthought. I finish and *** and she puts her clothes on and it's as though I didn't even **** her and had her toes in my mouth mere seconds ago. Sweet girl but like a phantom, like most of life's experiences. I drive her back to her spot. Motown plays and cars keep whisking away. I stretch out my hand to kiss hers and say
"Thank you"
She laughs and walks to the street. A shadow obscures her form and I drive home.

losing it all

everyday

every night

every second

every millisecond


every granule of sand

every
balled up fist

every flowing river

every earthquake

every tsunami

every ticking clock
losing it all

losing the spirit

and the color

losing the trust and the understanding

losing the sense
and self-worth

losing the passion
and respect

and the dignity

and gratitude

losing it all  gradually
as the worms
consume

the detritus of life that I so fondly cherished

put on this planet to suffer, there's no poetry in the silence.
  just an aching like a broken clock and a heart which
slowly
rusts

Feel so dead inside I can't feel my hands

Can't see a reflection
see empty air behind a glass pane

So dead inside I've forgotten my name or the meaning

Can only ***** in a gutter, wanna cry but for what
Count to eternity until I'm found,  lost and found spinning around in madness
Who was I, and why does it hurt so much but still feel like nothing.

.
.











***,,,*,

If there are no mistakes in art
Then there are no mistakes in
life

let it go

You can't live without purpose. You can only **** time

Dont mistake being alive for living

Stop laughing at me you ***** before i sever your throat and place
You on a mantle
.SMILEING

with the sun

and saturn with his children
All but

Digested
.

No heirs for a
KING

No heirs for the priest.
67777777777777


Io


It sets down in the blue
hills

writing just to write is sickness     or a means of self psychiatry


it's really really
late

and i like to pretend i'm drunk because I've quit drinking and doing  drugs like a loser about a year ago.

but i like to ramble.

capitalization should be prioritized more.


WAKIING up tomorrow
at noon and sunbathing.

buying a glass of milk   and maybe finally talking to someone
rather than just myself all the
time

Women always project. She calls me a ****** when her ******* droop and her belly hangs.
She calls me dumb when she doesn't even know where Cyprus is.
She calls me petty when she goes out clubbing the night I'm too sick to get together.
She calls me cheap when she can't even buy a proper mattress that doesn't pop in the night.

They just project, and that's why when you say nothing it hurts them so bad; it's reality as plain as their haggard eyes in the morning after another night desperate for love but never able to attain it

you only want me because I'm the one person who won't
give you what you want, because you should
know better

why

you were going to the mall


and watching a movie.  you itched your head- and your eye blinked.
your hand got cold,
and your tongue was wet.
your lips were blue,
and your nose was sniffly.

the air was hot,
and the chips were stale.
and the noises
were weird,
and the dialog was forgettable,

and the pain was unbearable.

and the night was long.

and the prayers and pleading amounted to absolutely
nothing

I'll lie to her
with her fat rolls &
tiny feet
"You are so ****, *** *** so ****"
All men lie to get *****

It's been harder lately and it's probably because my purposeless aura transmits through the phone screen in photonic dismal
decay

I **** her anyway. It's okay.
If I've learned anything it's that we are slaves to our selves til the end; salvation
   is when you can
Walk unfettered in a world of pain & lies
& Hate all that you think you love because the ones you love hate you the most

Something like that

she's finally gone,
and I'm happy for her.
I felt like I was an abusive owner to a kitten feeding it nasty leftovers and barely attending to it when just over the fence was a loving home that would have gladly taken her in and provided the care she deserved. She's probably sad now, but it'll just be for a little while.
sometimes the grass is greener, and I'm glad
she'll be able to find that out,
and find out that she can be loved, just not by the likes of
me
So long, it was something...
<3

I went in to get a piercing
from my ex

After she finished we walked outside and talked a bit, about the usual and then hugged.
I felt very lonely in her
presence and it made me realize
that human beings are disappointing
We are but flesh &
hope

Kodak blue
visions in a submarine den cottage with pink paper
The fan will whisk her away but so will the vines.
If it goes so do my ears now vibrating in salacious hum, doldrum metal aluminum scream

I found you like a child in the space under the stairs
What happened of your smile once so
pearly?