Awake with pain in this place
Couldn't dream was crying in a disaster place
Reluctant to shed light when wounded
I **** your god with a knife & your daughter
with a smile
Be conscious

It took time to forget

I didn't think i would but i did
And i remember the good
Like
Faucets running
And fires burning
What did I go crazy for

?

New years day
A mile away
Bleeding hearts on display
Walk a mile
And turn around
The loudest cheers
Aren't from the crowd

I sip my drink
I crash my head
I walk off the peer
Straight into bed
I puff a light
I flip the switch
2020
Can't tell which is
which

I feel like I'm being suffocated by thousands of pounds
of sand,

and all I have to combat it is this
teaspoon.

flick--

flick-
flick


gently flickingg it away,

as I'm eventually consumed by it.


at least I tried,

at least I made a show of

'BRAVERY',

and that's sometime's all
we can do

Blocked me the second there was push back
the second the cacophony of your own voice was met by another

I'm a lot like you. It's easy to be yourself when no one is watching
Don't sell out

I think my problem is less about confidence and more to do about my apathy. I don't really think I give much a **** about anything and how I present myself and how im perceived, but then that also includes the way I see myself.  Do I matter enough to showcase my life and *******? There's such a saturation of material of all sorts that I struggle to justify my output. I could just do it for myself but then the nihilist in me says why bother? Its an eternal struggle, but beer helps in these situations. Makes me feel like I do matter, self important. I can even write letters to myself.  Hello self. I am so fine.  I wipe off the dust on my mirror and sing.  I get over it,  but there's room for all sorts of **** in this tank.  No one is bringing their masterpiece with them to the abyss, but some try.  So I don't

Quit my job today, the phone
rings and it's transcribed to me, desperation, but they cut my hours so
I don't give a ****.

I'm barely coherent I feel and this poem is awful. Lacking soul. I've lost my soul and confidence. My self esteem is nothing. I am less than fly ****, I am frothing maggoty waste.
I am a skid on the road after the rolling head barked at me.

I lost my love and so I lose my mind. I wish words could help me.  This last fit will
do me in

Strung up like a lantern
grey
& Fruitful
Bitter tears& strains of pain
& Glass

youre So beautiful
In
red
& the birds keep
chirping

She was truly perfect. Body like aphrodite
6ft tall, freckled nose and radiant eyes like a forest
Then she told me something
And now sleeping next to me she's like a stranger
5 months like that. I wish I knew sooner. And now I'm angry at God because I know I can't do better. I just wanted it to work but now it can't.
And to think her name was Hope

This one means nothing, say it again
It means nothing, like a book full of scribbles and spiders dancing along the wall.
We cry in our dreams when we've lost something dear to us in this reality, like a
good friend or  a  match when the darkness won't relent

so she was reading my stuff and said to me
'why do you hide this?
put it out there for people to see'


well I'd like to, but the
      horses would catch me

sponge bath
In a white moon saucer
The crumbs laid out spell
Something like
"*******" so
I roll up a pad and play dice with the ***** licemen; like bugs they make love

Nowhere is a destination
And nothing is a state of being
It takes courage to be free
It takes courage to not
Exist

I stroke my ****
I stroke my ****.  I stroke my ****

a good 6.5 inches.

I don't ******* care.

I don't care.

    I have no family.   I ****** a Bird and ate spinach. I watched some grandma on instagram
with purple make-up,
she said ''NO''

I said ''  by golly the light is A COMPASS''.


bought a lantern
and 2 twenty bills.   no god, no singing, no sliver. **** my *** with a big strapped up electric bill.
working on a book after I find my head.


so I told you about the fifth?

take it now.

  she cute,  oh yeah .   I wrote it before and now I stoop to you.  the ***** is dying on 14th street. wiped with a green slime her **** hang like 6 plums. god tell me she's fine.
I don't know.

nick where are you. ? I have your number you stopped calling. I love you, I loved you like a sun.  plug it up.


dead berry rune,

scraped up.

you sit by a bridge,   itch it up , itch it up ,

you're nobody, just like everybody

else here.

        ;)

Just took mushrooms

All music seems pointless
So does this poem

Words of wisdom
If you're standing afar.
Someday the Earth
Will die
And so will you
Smiling in its embrace :)

you died 50 years ago,
you sing a perfect day.

you drink san-gray in the park,
such fun.

I pray to a green sun,   in a grass, with a woman who wants a spirit that is broken but
still fights on.

I DON'T
  WANT TO SEE YOU GET

HURT.


pines, burnt

and 1000000000 now crying out.

there's a lung In a bedroom
''speak to me''
''speak to me,

I don't want to die,

I don't want to die,

please
comfort me,


comfort me''.


I close your eyes,  and kiss your head. I say a prayer,
  I don't believe,

but you are
a grey tongue.   no need to say love.


love is here,
love is in 3000 districts.

I tear a line in the sand,
your children don't know,   'cause they've taken  their lunch.  

Don't be so



silly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :]

there was a bird and there was a raccoon and there was a tree and there was a grey rock and brown shrubs and green grass and a blue soul wandering  lost so very lost

"write down how you're feeling"

He picks up a pen and draws a single dot .

"This is me, but it's mostly you too"

Gliding past me and tapping and tapping and tapping, who said there's
Only one excuse ?

I break the bone for the marrow, so sad
So depressed I can't cry.

The cold talks to the trees and I hear the siren of a work truck. Downed power for the last 6 hours.  

I often speak of suicide, I won't.

I just lay down , and go to work, and workout, and eat and drink, and dream of nothing.
I dream of nothing.  I dream   of









.

Depression is writing poems
  nowhere
In a nowhere dwelling, suspended in nowhere time in nowhere space hoping these words reach some one

Gonna spill the guts
& lick the *****
& eat the liver
And pack the belly full of sand
and dance in the sun. & cry
in the moon
& parade in the afternoon. And
**** the ******.
tight and painful
And spit on the idol
cold and pale
_& dance along the street
& pray to false prophets
& bleed for &
agonize over dreams of salt
running towards nowhere
running towards the infinite

.
What more is left

Took a picture head-on on instagram
no filters
No angles
Not a smile

i was happy
It's a step towards real

so I see
you can buy a human rib for $8 on amazon,



it kind of appealed to me for a day,
then I realized that it's likely some poor farmer from ecquador
who died
at 36
from complications from his untreated polio.


where's the edge in that?

just picking on the weak,

picking from the weak--



it'll never
be a heart of Queen Elizabeth,

or the tongue of an African Warlord--


always the losers,
left to lose more,


expected to give more,

expected to be happy about it.


I'm happy about
this

silence right now

Next to her breathing
A stranger in this life
So little to hold on to,  I hear the bells ringing across sullen plains
Nothing to lose, abiding with time
I scratch your back because you scratch mine
Barely human, updated hardware, software clinical ,
I wrap my cold hands around you.
Warmth which dissipa t e s and love which slowly dies

.

I need a ******* typewriter.
this ******* light is blinding me,
and the ******* G key is falling off the ******* thing.
  I want to throw pages
at the ceiling in delight and swivel in my chair
   and drink beer
    and  **** a goat while I write and clack. the only way. I thought it fitting for hipsters; but i like the aestetic. Bang BANG BANG BANG BANG,
PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP CLINNGGGGG** then the *******.
another beautiful poem, fresh with my blood.
and the screamer upstairs i will now slowly asphyxiate.

his head was soft
his whiskers were full
his fingers were long
and his skin was old
his eyes were green
and his tongue was blue
his name was Ceasar
and he carried a broom
he swept
the sidewalk
he skated around
he colored the fences
with a rusty crayon
he really liked pie
he really liked fudge
he was only so nice
because he wanted to die

La Croix
  & *****

Soap &
Cat hair
Socks
& *****  underwear
Where is the last jar of tomatoes?
My sister wants Bolognese

A digital bath

Female, 18, white
5 ft 7 in, Toned
Incall
USA > California > Anaheim place
Donations
Girlfriend Next Door💙

30mins:200
60mins:350 Msog
90mins:500 Msog

GFE baby
Bbbj
Daty
Dfk
+50 cim
+50 cof
+100 greek

all my relationships fall apart because i cant just be one grounded person
  
I am a thousand people, and there
     Aren't very many good ones in the bunch

The guy typing is ok,
His name is jo

I get dumber by the day
Pretty soon I'll be too dumb to understand
Drooling in the wind with my
Eyes wide open

tired, I've seen enough good poets

I hope I'm good,

these letters
are tossed in the bin, and maybe someone reads a note. kiss your lips,
and it spills into a glass
like cold water.

we're too young for this,
and too old to die.

the still waves caress the shore,
and she paints it just like she told me she
could

To chop off my **** would merely be a function of desire

To chop off my hand would mean I couldn't pluck a rose

To run off into a lake would mean
I learn to breathe underwater for some time

I see other avenues

A simple twist of fate_. Soles in a tree hue.
Blind noun had to speak about your flicker.
Forward to today
And I told you how you hurt me
And how you're too old for attention

I'm young I don't try
I begin with an angry lunge.

Twirling your hair in the rain and wrinkled brow being swept
I hear a collision.

Notes to you
Notes to you
The grass still grows and is indeed green

You didn't die today there was a rose on your hand

A rose that didnt wither. You existed in me for a solid year I packed my bag in my empty house with the door ajar.

I floated forward
Forward to a sand that blinks

Forward
To keep moving I don't wanna stsy
hear

Forward even if it hurts forward even if it's nowhere

{.     } [.    {.  ] ]. [.  ].  [.      ].   ]. pacing up. a driveway in spring-air
']][[[[]]
cylinder among
  a muddy beach '''[[[[[]][[[.  pupil dilated
to  a satellite[']][[]]][[[]]][


fork-tongue ;
inebriated
and half-alive ''[['';]]][[.  strewn across 13 lots in the cold black[[[;;[[

she tears
off her hand''[[[[[[

I scream for a second[[;[[
the window calls for seconds'[[[[[]][[ ]][. last seen today[[[[]][[[[]][][]

]][[
some things to be considered[[;[[
some things
to  be

][][][][][]][]][forgotten[[[[]][[]][][[][][][][][][][]

sheer heart attack

If you feel 'meh' about someone through an app,
you'll feel really meh about them in person, but my **** has no standards

Today I'll buy a **** steak
& Macaroni salad

My cat Winnie needs a new sweater,

Go driving in the sun until you hit mercury; the dead still lay there despite the incalculable aeons dividing our
weeping vessels
8

bitter and cruel
Gelatinous
eye slits
tongue deep in the wound
******* all life
from my child
The moon is cold
& the wolves sleep
we hear your screams like treason
You weren't the first to feel pain
You won't be the last

Let's dance baby
Let's dance
Let's hop on a train to no where sipping a corona
Your face scarred with innocence

A pill bottle barricaded inside
Pleading as the bayonets stick you in
Let's dance let's dance baby
Purple
Blue, blurrred running from a dream
Running from a dream
Pockets lined with gold
Baby youre a star
Pandemic blues
I reach out for you

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

,😟

feel like I have 1000 horses laying on top of me
and as a result everything's been getting to me.
You have more time to reflect when you're in a wounded and docile state, and it's lately recognizing that everything is inherently transactional.
No one loves just because they can, they love because you give them all your time,
the ***** loves because you give her your money and your time.
The cat loves because you give it tuna,
The *** loves because you give him your money
Not your tuna sandwich.
It is what is it, take take take take. I wish we weren't just animals looking to get through the night and I wish there was a hand reaching out without any expectations to receive, or maybe it's just me and my loneliness
And misanthropy.
  I just know Im in need, but I'll never recieve

The nightmare
The simulation
The infection
The asphyxiation
The infibulation
The inebriation
The tyrannical grip
The hammer on your ******
The needle in your eyeball
The wrench up your prostate
The boot up your face
The finger in your mouth
The bomb in your place of comfort, after a long day doing nothing at all, just being.
The shoelace untied.
The brain with too much **** folded in your heart with no escape.
You want to ******* EXPLODE
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
BOOM
bang
Sprawled out like bugs.
You wanted sone simple understanding, you wanted a biscuit with tea and maybe a back massage, but it's all too late.
Too late for the dreamer, and the 'talky' kid
Soon enough it will be over. I dont want to be anything or anyone.
I want quiet,
No words, no words no more words. No words and no resolve because there never is

I don't know if it's laziness or lack of ambition,   but all my art is for free  now.

There is no value in it.  There's value in a toilet-scrubber   and  shoe-maker.

There's no value in these words---      it's valuable to me,


but when i put in all the effort to publish my ****, and compile it,  and promote it etc, and only get a sympathy $1
it feels like an insult.

If it matters   then they'll have to come to  me;

i'm not a merchant

I have nothing to sell.

I don't care .      my dog is an
artist

anyone actually live in big bear? I'm lonely.

just a bunch of old 'progressive' hippies getting away to a 95% ethnic majority so they can be progressive without
the cognitive dissonance of avoiding the slums in
the mainland


The walks are absolutely surreal though.

I can spend upwards to an hour just throwing rocks at a stone wall

and sleeping in a cave.

i can die.


i make a bed    of leaves    and bird spit.   I speak to odin

subtlety
and swirling,
fire bugs make a nest
in the theatre seats . you want to be a star and now is your
shot,
burn
out    and away

*/

I sit in the gutter
I sit on the street
I sit on the mud
just below the creek
I ramble in the wind
I row in the stream
I talk to bugs
& eat refried beans
I smile in the morning
I cry in the night
I am only guided by
a flickering light

syrup

whats your address. I found you yesterday. play by the sill,

cut it up now. babe,
hens in a row,   fish -bat carnival.  ''2 will do''


So I wrote a story about some guy bob and he didn't want a noose


shelled out a 40$.  thatll **** you for an hour -

I love it,
love is like  a  dark glass zoo

The lightswitch turns off, and so do the shadows that illuminate treachery in my soul.

good   night,
and sweet dreams to the
   ants that cover my bedside cookies. the milk is half
drunk

Alone in every sense.
I read to my self my words that sit crumpled.
I pick up a gay rose and eat it.  No where to go but up.  Down is a destination too. You learn a little bit more about yourself when you're down. My legs snap like a watermelon,  the putrid **** is stitched in my clothes.  Valiant hands salute. I spit on your flag. I spit on tyrants. I spit on collectives with no instilled values other than consumption. I laugh at every opportunity.  I  feed the mouse that sits in a log. It's been a long day and my eyes hurt.  Someone is yelling me that isn't me.  My head hurts too. Who knew

The raccoon reached out with its little paws trying to pick off an apple from the tree.
I then picked up the aluminum bat and whacked it right into the skull and heard it whimpering as it floundered down the porch steps.
These apples took 3 years to grow & cultivate.
  Don't steal my apples, and that applies
To the children outside as well

A bowl of cherries sits protruding on the dentist's chair as he skitters over to the female specimen of uncertain origin.
" the fruit flies ate your mother like a little ******"
"Why, with angel dust I frolicking now?" She says as she gesticulates with her pointer toes.
"No mam, this is cancer"  and the tongue squirts juice in her salty eye.  
Her crotch turns gangrenous and the dwarf behind the counter lays 2 rotten eggs in a cupboard.
"What was the point of lying" said the doctor
"I'm not sure" says feminine monstrosity, but the beach whaled for them..I took out a salary and billed my little girl 26 hens by my sad eyed mouse. 2 butchers took the heart, we rested by doves and the dwarf laughed furious. God loves his children.😈

Finally told you how I feel and it was liberating.
Was tired of the reluctance and nicety
and fake virtue, may as well spill my guts.
I wanted you to know that I hate you, and how vile you are, and how much of a disgusting pig you are.
I wanted you to see that side of me. That's the side that sleeps well at night, knowing he has no one to please & no one to rely on;
peace of mind