Back to the ugly

Like a cyclical hell.
I was here 7 years ago, & I wondered if things would be different.
All procrastination and all sides quests -

If you're resolute on the end, then it will end.

These people and places I intermingled with were mere distractions.  Happiness is a warm gun
- lennon

Finally told you how I feel and it was liberating.
Was tired of the reluctance and nicety
and fake virtue, may as well spill my guts.
I wanted you to know that I hate you, and how vile you are, and how much of a disgusting pig you are.
I wanted you to see that side of me. That's the side that sleeps well at night, knowing he has no one to please & no one to rely on;
peace of mind

It's getting hard to live
When I can't even make up my mind
To exist

You get what you give
It's no use tryna make it out alive

Don't forsake me
Let me be
I'm riding this wave
Into uncertainty
With my eyes closed
Waiting for the call



I fold my head in my hands
And pray to eternity

I wanna make my way into the callous air

And see

This is a song about nothing
About crying outside

About dying tomorrow
And making a mess

You've got a face like a sun
And a body like a bent
Stem


Hold you close so you don't fall with the crowd

I'm running late now and seeking another
Appointment
Dead souls for the way we forget

A song about nothing
Can't even rhyme
I forged a ticket
And spat out an idol


Don't say you want me
When you wanted an excuse

Up at 5:04am
Incapable of sleeping
Calling off today; I won't be making the patients their apple sauce
I'll lay in bed
And *** to pictures of
    Of past excursions
Wondering if I still know how to ****
I'm such a loser, but that's a good thing sometimes.
My mirror is broken
And my room is full of ****
.
The webs sit and the spiders eat daily, even some drinking my blood
I **** out the window
And fantasize about
Being a serial killer; but that would bore me even too - too much work to sever a head
And kick it down a street.
Im angry
& Feel as if I have no way of release. I'm unheard,
I hate my friend.
I hate my circumstance and I'm lost
So I write
Some words and prolong the descent -- I know I'll
Get out of this, but It doesn't get easier even after the 119th time
**** it all

I squeeze what's left of me

  Tired of pleading.
I scroll through walls of shapeless consumerist
talent show entries, all yelling to be picked.

I'm suceptible to the game too. All for money like a *****.
1 step from putting a ***** up my *** and eating fish larvae
In a bucket like a good mukbanger.
I HATE humanity
I HATE being here.

I HATE being cheated and losing my capacity for love and trust, always on edge.

I don't want to compete anymore. I want silence,   but  I can't drown out the noise, like tinnitus
Drilled into my skull
It's always been this way. But now I'm desperate. & There's no more suppressing it

I want to run
So far
Into nothing
And bury my eyes
In a dense
   Abyss

The laughing permits
And so does the humming
Step inside yourself
And visualize the dream
Dancers in the dark
Cancer in a sombre heart

A stillborn child when you were
Hopeful
Reminders of a decadent past
Youth and fortune
Love and lust
Starlight
And dust

What remains is
Enough

What's done is
Done
& done