When the day is over and I see the moon shine its light through my window, I feel this overwhelming wave of sadness and loneliness
These painfull thoughts that I'm trying to hopelessly push away, climb back in to my head and begins to drip down my face  as tears
But everytime I see my self come back to these familiar feelings and fill my head with these thoughts of loneliness, I feel in this twisted way more alive than ever

Although the truth probably is
I have never felt loved in my entire life

As my heart pumps this liquid that is filled with pain and thoughts of giving up
As my head wonders
What's the point of meeting new people if   if even I can't stand to look myself
Maybe if I just exist and push through my heart will go numb
Maybe I'm just invisible Maybe we all are
Maybe we see those who we love orhate
Maybe I'm just overthinking
Maybe it's just all in my head
Maybe I will just shut my brain

Maybe I will just end it all someday

But one thing is certain that day is not today

I have dreams about our future our beginning and our first conversation

These dreams and feelings are real to me
They make me happy

But I feel like a leaf and you're the tree and its almost autumn

Now I'm barely hanging from the branch of your life that I never couldn't be part of

But soon I will fall and be left to rot and
To suffer
As I see the new leaves grow to be more green than I ever could be

Everyday I go to work
Everyday I get to home
Everyday I go to sleep

My life going to end without ever living it
My days going faster and faster
Social battery zero
Social life none

Everyone has masks in this life we live
I call them Layers of emotions that hide the feelings we try to keep away
Layers of steel to protect us from others
And from ourselfs
we want to forget the days that caused us the pain and suffering
As we put our shields up to keep others away
Our hearts broken and afraid
Our Mind asking if I go away
will the pain follow or move to new place

All this pain
I feel it up in my veins
It's flows faster than I can run away
I take corner and it's in my way
I can only hope the streets never end
Afraid of a dead end
Seeing the life I never lived to end

I don't know how you're laughing and I'm crying
our father is dying

I don't how you do it
Laugh your pain away

I can't stand it
your so positive in your mind

I can't sleep at nights
I can't do anything to help
I can only think the worst

I need you father more than ever

My tears flowing my heart breaking
Your heart failing

Not yet please not yet
I'm crying and you're dying
Please not yet please not yet

My heart breaking as my tears are racing
Writing this poem and Remembering That you've always been in my life
Always been there for me

Seeing the suffering of your illness
Filling me with thoughts of your death
Not certain of the future fearing the worst

Only If I could support you
Only if I could be brave
Only beeing afraid