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Ell Sep 2019
Am I motivated by
A thirst?
Or an association of worth?
Is that why it's never enough?
Never enough late nights
Never enough cringes at the state
Of a capital letter
Back in schooool.
Ell Dec 2019
I think it's about time
I accept the fact
That you were a part of my life
And that sometimes
I think of you
In the little things I do
I still remember when you taught me how to skip stones.
Ell Sep 2019
Forgive me of my skepticism
As I find it hard to believe
That someone will actually
Love me
For me
There is no sadness within that thought
Occasionally, I've found myself at ease
Thinking that I'll only have to talk to me
Isolation's really fun sometimes lolol.
Ell Aug 2019
I regret the endless nights
I thought of you
Of how you could maybe like me too
Of the perpetual zugzwang
You made me play
And I can see it now
Spot it from a mild away
Your childishness
That dragged me away
Will be the cause of your pain

And the truth is

I deserve better
I am a perpetual summer
I am a joyful serenade
I can see color in the gray

And in the end
You lose
You will lose her eventually
Due to your flippancy
And you have lost me
An incredible feat
You don't know who you are, but I knooowww
Ell Dec 2019
I have created many different lives for myself
None real, and all imagined in my brain
They sometimes feel too realistic
To the point of wishing myself to be a different person
To live an impossible life
That due to my circumstances I cannot possibly live
And due to my short attention span
As I daydream quite often

I wonder if all people think like this?
If they are constantly bombarded with fleeting fantasy’s
And unrealistic imagery
That makes for a terribly distracted and imaginative mind
That is all too annoying all of the time.
Do you ever just feel not real?
Ell Sep 2019
I put myself out there
For you
It wasn't much but it was all I could do
But she did that too
I guess she was more for you
Jokes on you
I backed down
and the other one stepped in
And you considered that a win
I'm glad I got out when I did
Because you ****
Rhyming's overrated sometimes
Ell Oct 2019
The motion of the never ending cold waters makes me sick, sometimes
It bobs up and down and by now it’s hard to tell when I’m breathing and when I’m not
The weight of the deep waters presses on my chest when my head’s above water
The air stings my throat and eyes and the remnants of the water surrounding me reside in my lungs
It’s so much easier to let go
To let the ever present waves consume me as I sink down further
To swim in shadows below and drown unassumingly
To me and everyone around me
Sometimes I just want to be a pirate or something
Ell Sep 2019
When the air begins to cool
And the wind brings change
Glee begins to bubble and brew
As life begins to float behind the thought
Of a cloud covered sun
And the fuzzy state of mind
Of that of a perfect cozy scene
Don your vegetables and celebrate the harvest.
Ell Sep 2019
She had put her faith into you
You held her trust in your hands
And every so often
You'd squeeze and tug
To see how far you could get
Before breaking her completely
Trying to switch things up.
Ell Aug 2019
I am terribly afraid
Of my mind
Deciding it doesn't want to stay
Of not being able
To remember the days
Of my memories slipping away
My body becoming a shell
My mind empty
My soul hardly hanging onto me
Independence lost from me
Slowly, so slowly
I'll forget those closest to me
My family
Will be ghosts to me
And slowly, so slowly
I'll forget to breath
As it did to you
It might do to them
And me as well
Senility, man.
Ell Nov 2019
I’m missing you a lot tonight
I miss the conversations I could only have with you
And truly feeling understood
I miss you caring for me, in a way no other friend had
I miss you calling me your little flower as you put one in my hair
I miss drinking coffee with you and talking about boys
You’d raise your eyebrows in such a funny way
I thought our friendship was something you cherished
As you told me so before
But
It was foolish of me
To think you’d cherish me
As I had cherished you
And because of that, we fell apart
Unfairly, and too easily
Considering how much I cared for you
I could never totally forget you
You impacted me so greatly
But there’s always time for goodbye
And for me, that is now
You hid manipulation and passive aggression
Behind the mask of friendship
Because of that, I vow to be different
As of right now, I’m saying goodbye
To feeling like I’m only worthy of this kind of friendship
This is ramble and totally unpolished and I love it and I hate it.
Ell Oct 2019
Wood hits wood in a clash of color
Yellow kitchen walls that feel like fall
That have seen so much
Laughter and tears
Throughout the years of youth
Nowadays, things are much quieter
It's a curse of the younger
To see, witness, and feel all the growth
And heartbreak
Of every older one
To see them move on and out
Of our home that's been so homely
Before now at least
As it's been a harder than difficult thing to realize our relationships
have changed before
Our still so young eyes in the midst of life
I miss them a lot sometimes, I can't hardly think of what I'll do when they all officially leave.
Ell Nov 2019
I wonder what you’re doing now
If you’re still hiding behind the false guise of doing better
If you’re still getting drunk and high with new friends
I honestly hope you are living a fulfilling life
You may have broken me and my heart
As you claimed yourself as my friend
But I truly hope you find what you’re looking for
In this little and large prismatic thing called life
Ell Sep 2019
The what-ifs
The hypotheticals
All of half of my brain's creation
Running amuck and destroying
My precious dialectics all created
By my other brain
Who so cleverly claims
That it will prove to be illogical
For anything to transpire
Between us
It's not fair, I don't even know you.
Ell Sep 2019
In the end
After it's all over
Moment like these
Make me appreciate life
To the fullest
After the pain, and the troubles have past
In a wave that has undoubtedly
Affected me
And changed my path
I am able to sit and realize
The beauty of everything and its worth
Learn something from every situation you're in, kids.
Ell Nov 2019
I’ve happened upon a realization
As I explored the depths
One unwarranted
And one that reminded me of them
One that made me seriously think
About my life
About my maturity in comparison
To the role models I’ve had

So far so good,
But I live in a constant state of dread
Thinking that I will be projecting the same influence to friends
That I once had been given
And that took me down a path
I really wish I didn’t need to explore in order to build
My character
I think too much about things I've thought about a million times.
Ell Aug 2019
Cold and bitter
Lies on my tongue
Harmonious balance
Of right and wrong
Sweet yet acidic
Perfectly extracted
The effects
No longer work
But the taste will always linger
From the heavenly bewilderment
Of how a drink can taste so good
No, I literally wrote this about coffee.
Ell Nov 2019
A longing so deeply rooted tugs at my heart
It crawls through and breaks the surface of my being
It’s bursting at the seams and waiting to be released
It’s always been there, teeming in my being
Only just recently have I discovered a sound meaning

Individuality

Neverending, a search for meaning
Desperately climbing trees to reach something I cannot see
Spontaneity, just to see if it feels more freeing
I just want to see beyond my life
Beyond the things I’ve never seen
I always want to go on a roadtrip this time of year
Ell Oct 2019
Okay, it's final
I'm giving up
Giving up on dumb, stupid feelings
That make me think too much
And idealize people
Who aren't anything to me
I'm giving up on love made for me
As now I'm starting to think
That I've made that up too
So, I'm done trying
For good
As it seems only bad things happen
When I idealize and dream
That love is made for me
Feeling a little big sad right now.
Mom
Ell Aug 2019
Mom
Mom
Why are you hiding?
I cant help you anymore
Dont you know?
All the bad memories I have with you
And you dont remember do you?
That night in my room
You had taken too many, hadn't you?
You said all those things
And yet I have to forgive you
Because I understand know
That wasn't really you
Oops
Ell Oct 2019
As of right now
I'm supposed to be more
I'm supposed to work more
Focus more
Be more responsible
More outgoing
And I'm really tired
Of my more never being the more
That they want out of me
PRESSURE, PUSHING DOWN ON MEEE
Ell Aug 2019
Where's the Music Man?
He's gone away, off to play
Along with my understanding
He rips it off with an apology
And goes to a redwood tree
Very far away from me
I miss that man terribly
He doesn't understand
I need his understanding
For my sanity
Heeey brother
Ell Sep 2019
Stress. Stress. Stress.

Everything bursting at the seams. My mind is screaming.

"Please, do something!"
I cant. I cant. I cant.

Breathe, please everything is going to be okay.
School is temporary.

But stress is for now.
Stress, fear, I cant I cant

A wall, I need to do something, anything. My future is almost here.
I want to, I need to
But I cant bring myself to.
I don't even remember writing this
Ell Dec 2019
I had no one
No one knew
And no one knows
About all the pain
That I went through
My own family and yet they cant know
What would be the point now?
It's all in the past,
I'm pretty much better now
But I cant help but think
About how much nicer and easier
It would have been to recover
With anyone by my side

And it's still so bizarre
To think that in this shared home
I hid something so significant for so long
So significant in my own growth
A part of my life so instrumental
In molding the strength I have today

And yet, they still don't know
Ell Sep 2019
If only it was that easy
If only the red string of fate
Was a reality
If only I knew someone out there
Loved me
In certainty
But, rather
I get a strange sort of freedom
In which it's half up to me
And for someone
Who's not good at decision making
It's a rather difficult thing
Soulmate? More like no mate
Ell Sep 2019
I still think of you sometimes
And
Occasionally
Tears are brought to my eyes
Because of what you did
I can never see you
As anything
Not even a friend
It feels weird sometimes
Ell Dec 2019
Even if you aren’t working
That does not mean you are wasting your time
Relax for a moment and take a deep breath
I can see that you are doing your best
And I am proud of you, take my word for that
I don't know who you are and you don't know me
But I truly believe that you can do amazing things
Cheesy, I know, but something that's been on my mind.
Ell Nov 2019
I run and run and run
And yet I always fall short
I can’t keep up with my fellow race runners
I am falling behind
I stop sometimes
And I look around this empty street
On occasion, I forget just why I’m running in this race
I sit and I ponder and I get all puzzled
Until I feel the darkness surrounding beginning to surround me
It creeps up my back and makes me shiver with unbearable fear
Of the future
It spurs me on and licks at my heels
Until the cycle starts-
Why am I running, again?
Can't stop won't stop.
Ell Nov 2019
Beautiful alabaster covers the ground
It sparkles in the sun like a million tiny diamonds
It adds an unexplainable beauty to nature in the form of a blanket
It covers trees and leaves and makes everything seem so still
It causes joyful, childish, glee as you hurl snow at people and slide down hills
It’s a time of year about family, wherever that may be, and peace.
HAPPY WINTER
Ell Jan 12
I am going to stand tall
Despite these setbacks
Despite this pain
I will choose life
I will choose to live
In a way I know I deserve
Despite these intrusive ideas in my mind
Ell Oct 2019
Last year
I was in the group
We dressed up together
And took cute pictures
Now
Everything is all messed up
As we all grew up
One got kicked out of their house
One is probably drunk right now
One works too much
And I've been left in the dust

It's alright, probably for the best
But Halloween's a lot harder
When you dont have friends to dress up with
Ain't nothing spookier than having no friends.
Ell Sep 2019
It feels childish at times
Me, trying to coherently express
What I have felt
In lines, in stanzas, in rhymes
It feels all too futile sometimes
To think that I have to say something
That others have already said
Whyyyy do I do this to myself
Ell Oct 2019
No one wants to play with us anymore
We sit idly on swinging swings, unforeseen to anyone or anything
We used to play here with all the other kids
But eventually we got stuck in between
Now we just have to play with abandonment and some trees
Life never stops

— The End —