I think it's about time
I accept the fact
That you were a part of my life
And that sometimes
I think of you
In the little things I do

I have created many different lives for myself
None real, and all imagined in my brain
They sometimes feel too realistic
To the point of wishing myself to be a different person
To live an impossible life
That due to my circumstances I cannot possibly live
And due to my short attention span
As I daydream quite often

I wonder if all people think like this?
If they are constantly bombarded with fleeting fantasy’s
And unrealistic imagery
That makes for a terribly distracted and imaginative mind
That is all too annoying all of the time.

I’m missing you a lot tonight
I miss the conversations I could only have with you
And truly feeling understood
I miss you caring for me, in a way no other friend had
I miss you calling me your little flower as you put one in my hair
I miss drinking coffee with you and talking about boys
You’d raise your eyebrows in such a funny way
I thought our friendship was something you cherished
As you told me so before
But
It was foolish of me
To think you’d cherish me
As I had cherished you
And because of that, we fell apart
Unfairly, and too easily
Considering how much I cared for you
I could never totally forget you
You impacted me so greatly
But there’s always time for goodbye
And for me, that is now
You hid manipulation and passive aggression
Behind the mask of friendship
Because of that, I vow to be different
As of right now, I’m saying goodbye
To feeling like I’m only worthy of this kind of friendship

When people turn out to be
Not what you had thought of them
For so long

Memories of hide and seek
Childhood days
Are replaced with worry and deceit
Youthful haze
Clouds my previously thought
Strong sense of right and wrong

My thoughts turn to me
And what I think
As I begin to reevaluate
Everything that has been taught to me
And the ways of morality

A rebelliousness stirs within me
Sparkling and bleating
As I wonder what I'd do
If presented with the chance
To test the waters
Something akin to teenage rebellion
Calls to me faintly

Looking back and being better
Looking forward and expecting more
Feeling lighter,
Knowing things are getting brighter

New confidence
Because that’s not who I am anymore
Freedom
From things that previously kept me
From living a life I deserve to live

One full of happiness, 
That can not be taken away from me 
Joy that is instilled in me 
Regardless of circumstances 

I was wounded, 
I am healing
Scars prevail, 
But even they will begin to fade
As time and process
Has their way

The ground rumbles
With impending change
The glass falls down
Shattered sense of time
Fragile state of mind

How suddenly did this begin
An unnatural natural disaster
That came just as quickly as it disappeared
Just long enough for strings to attach,
For friendship to take grasp

I stare, surrounded by broken porcelain
What a familiar sight, I sigh
"At least it wasn’t like last time"
I create a mosaic out of the pieces
Left behind once again

Wood hits wood in a clash of color
Yellow kitchen walls that feel like fall
That have seen so much
Laughter and tears
Throughout the years of youth
Nowadays, things are much quieter
It's a curse of the younger
To see, witness, and feel all the growth
And heartbreak
Of every older one
To see them move on and out
Of our home that's been so homely
Before now at least
As it's been a harder than difficult thing to realize our relationships
have changed before
Our still so young eyes in the midst of life

I’ve happened upon a realization
As I explored the depths
One unwarranted
And one that reminded me of them
One that made me seriously think
About my life
About my maturity in comparison
To the role models I’ve had

So far so good,
But I live in a constant state of dread
Thinking that I will be projecting the same influence to friends
That I once had been given
And that took me down a path
I really wish I didn’t need to explore in order to build
My character

A longing so deeply rooted tugs at my heart
It crawls through and breaks the surface of my being
It’s bursting at the seams and waiting to be released
It’s always been there, teeming in my being
Only just recently have I discovered a sound meaning

Individuality

Neverending, a search for meaning
Desperately climbing trees to reach something I cannot see
Spontaneity, just to see if it feels more freeing
I just want to see beyond my life
Beyond the things I’ve never seen

We meet again,
Old friend
Behind this closed door
We shake upon an agreement
That is never not wrong

Partner in crime,
I wonder when we will decide
To part ways
For good this time

You always resurface
When I need to not need you
And you ****** me with a vowed secrecy
One that still hurts me,
More than it eases me

The pebble flies from the fingertips
Of a lonely woman
And ripples across a pond twice
Before deciding to settle
It will stay there for a while
As time pushes the storm's towards
And away from the pond
As the moon pulls the water
From her place in the sky
With fingertips of glass
And eyes filled with diamonds
As the pebble makes a slow wading way
Back towards the small, rocky shore
Another lonely woman will pass
And throw it into the pond
To begin the process of moving on
To cycle through the ways of decay
And to make room for one more flower
Among a garden of flowers
Who have all decayed

I am going to stand tall
Despite these setbacks
Despite this pain
I will choose life
I will choose to live
In a way I know I deserve
Despite these intrusive ideas in my mind

Nostalgia hits like a brick at times like this
As the corners of the night air begin to chill
As leaves begin to decay
It’s when I think to myself
“It was this time last year”
The edge of summer we called it
Was filled with unabashed youth and regret
With stagnation hidden under the guise of freedom
The places we’d go
And the things we’d do
I will always remember as they were  

The town where we walked through the cemetery and looked at the stars in the tennis courts
The woods where we jumped into the mucky lake in our clothes before singing together in the back of the truck
The train tracks where he bumped my hip when I tried to put a flower in his hair and we accidentally wore matching jackets
The special spot with trees and the lake where he taught me how to skip stones and his laugh when I just couldn’t figure out how to do it

I was high off the butterflies he’d give me in my stomach
and the free-spirited group I associated with gave me a rush
It didn’t last long and for the better
In hindsight they were just trying to live in the way they thought they should
But despite all of this, and despite the acceptance I have for this time in my life
I can’t help but think of them, and him, when this time of year hits

You are my violet sky
The wavelengths of your being Invisible to me
Your existence scattered in my eyes
All I can see is the blue of your disguise
A glimpse into the red of your sunsets
But the violet in your eyes, in the sky
That’s something that I will only see with time
Time I am willing to spend
Only seeing your blues and your reds

Meet me where the light pours in
On this troubled day
In this manic hour
In which all things have seemed to decay
All that was once new and bright
Normal and constant
Withers under the weighing pressure of this hour
The pressure of grief and sorrow
Pressing down upon these all too familiar people

Meet me where the light pours in
Upon this muddy grass
The baseball diamond a few feet away
And a swingset to our left
Let’s climb these bright green structures
As we did in times way past
To find a source of comfort
A source of light to keep us climbing
Amidst the chaos of our house

Past and present meets us now
Colliding and burning and smelling of salt
Tasting like ash and feeling like freedom
All things have been said and everyone is forgiven
Let us all go
Across the asphalt lot
By the stagnant pond
And through the lining pines
To the little source of light
We found in troubled times

Innocence lost is wisdom gained
A bittersweet give and take  
That always results in growth and pain