Young at heart
It wasn't serious
Laughs were swapped
Like loose change over a counter top
Looking at myself
I no longer hated
The image that was reflected back at me
Off of the waters glass surface
Because I saw you
I loved seeing you
And you loved seeing me
Because seeing you
Was like seeing home
Until once upon a day
I stared back at myself
Twas not you
Soon after
Twas not I either
Your love wasn't always unconditional
Or provided
But when it came to my love
Anything was fixable
With my driftwood heart
Floating by on the ripples
The after effects of your smile
A pebble dropping into the sound that was your laugh
I studied it
So meticously
I went over every fine line
Every grain of sand
Crooked fingers
Crooked smile
Broken to the bit of your smile
Casting you a crown
From the moons own rays
Lost at sea now
Stars waltzing around me
Trails of nebulas
I'm glad your happy
Because looking at you
I see all of the mistakes I made
That were veiled
Because I was too intoxicated
Too high on loving you
Too ADDICTED to the sight of you
Now with my glacier eyes
I see where I went wrong
I see where I sunk
And now
I see where I rise too
Thank you

The promises you made
Above my grave
Seeped through the soil
The sky flared
Outlining your heart
Orange
Red
Green
Bleeding
Your tears fell to rest
On my skeletal tongue
Satisfying my dusted trachea
Morbid Moons
Dancing throughout
The Lilac sky
You've been here too long
And I believed every promise
That you sowed in my ribcage
So take what's left
Of my pressurized heart
Take your Lilac dipped lies
Tie them off
Sell them to another lover
Before morrow ends
Take my pen
Cast it out to sea
If only so it will bleed
All of the truths
That you  never confessed to me
And I to you
Because isn't that what's best?
Sugar coated lies
With honeyed eyes
And frayed rays of sunshine
Goodbye lovely
I'll see you another morrow
Once Apollo rises
And once Ra sets
After Luna shimmers in the sky
I'll wish you away
From the base of my grave

Hoarfrost clinging delicately
To the flower
That it oh so loves
The flower begrudgingly
Accepts its biting cold embrace
Petals stiffly turning up in euphoria
Realizing that its life is being leeched away
But it still smiles
Because the colder the hoarfrost gets
The happier it is
And that's all that matters to the Flower
Its happiness
This is only a part of love
An innocently toxic love
Coaxingly sweet
Forbiddingly in love
And preserved in eternity
Because even with its last breath
The hoarfrost
Will still maintain and keep its beauty
Forever to be admired and worshipped
Daintily beautiful

Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Forged in the eddies of hell
The lives of men beckoning
At every moment and turn
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
But it's never enough
Its thirst is never quenched
Forever parched
Dustier than a desert plain
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
A thousand have been felled
Stalks of wheat in the wind
And I the wielder
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Am not even safe
As the blade turns inward
Piercing my chest
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Cutting through my heart
As if it were ashes
Latching on and drinking its fill
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
I crumple
I fall
The hand that has fed it  
Has in turn been bitten

Roses are red
Violets are blue
And karma
Is gonna ******* too
It however may not be today
It may not be tomorrow
But before my final breath
Curls out of my mouth like a wisp of smoke
It will be granted
A Genie lamp rubbed
And the only wish used
Will be the taste of your marrow
Whetting my appetite
Into a frenzy
They always said
That revenge
Made a cold bed fellow
But I digress
Its hot coca
In the middle of my tundra

Empty
That's what this feeling is
It's emptiness
I thought maybe if I put my ribcage under a microscope
I could find you somewhere in there
Like you never left
I can't find you
Empty
I can't even find my heart in here either
Nothing is here
But that's my fault
Silly me
Thinking that I was actually good enough for once
But that's when I noticed
That my ribs had turned black
Empty
I didn't think anything of it
Until I touched them
And ink came away
Staining my fingertips
Maybe if I could've kept you laughing
Or calling me a ******* for the stupid **** I'd do
Just to see that smile on your face
Empty
Empty
I'm empty the caverns of this cage
A  hollowed out stage
Where voices used to flow
Melodies swelling and cresting
Breaking into sweeter notes
Breaking into better days
Into better nights
Whiskey stopped whispering my name
Stopped pirouetting around me
Empty
My bed stopped calling
Not even it wanted to sleep with me
The sun stopped talking to me
The moon started hounding me
A sirens song on a lone wind
The stars only sweetened the deal
Of coming out at night
I saw my soul
Shiver out of my bones
I saw my body collapse
I saw the regrets glass over my eyes
I saw the mistakes creep over my skin
I watched them stiffen my body
A smile stretched over my corpses face
Filled to the brim with bursting
The insanity ripping from the seams
All of the things I held back from saying
To you
To other people
Searing across my bodies skin
Glowing brighter and brighter
All of these thoughts
All of these regrets
And yet
I was still
Empty
Even as the stars that had always been in my eyes
Finally kissed me goodbye
And winked out
I was still
Empty

Twisting turning
Tempest of night
Give me a light
Guide my way tonight
Let me see
The darkest that you could be
Take your skeletons out of the closet
If only so they can alight
To never be a problem for morrow  
Satisfy my eyes with your pretty face
While I ignore the rotting grace
Ever so eternal
A floral shirt lazing in the wind
Whenever did we start
Wherever did we end?
A jaded over happy face  
Your body already half way into the grave
I tried
I did
You were supposed to stay
So when the last ember in my body
Started to wane
You would be the one to lay me down to die
Mourn my vacant shell
Yeast like lungs that won't rise
Fresh tilled soil
Slowly starting to decay from the inside
Careful tending fingers
That will no longer get to learn
The shape of your face
Or the edge of your jawline
Or the lines in your smile
Skin that caves in
That comes away on my fingertips
Like dough
You and I
It seems
We were never supposed to make it
So close to being looped
To forever fake it
You faded through my present
And into my past
I've chemically bonded with the future
Content to stay here.
Forever barred and bonded

"And when your fourth love leaves you. You will want to **** yourself, but you won't Because you no longer think of suicide as a house you will build one day" ~ Future Tense by Neil Hilborn.

I keep hoping
That if I keep writing enough about you
About us
What happened and what you did
It'll be written out of the existence of my conscious
That the memories will melt away
As if they were frost coated blades of grass
In a lukewarm spring morning
I care you know
About if you're happy now
Maybe
I keep hoping that if I bleed enough ink
Everything will finally stop
And fall
And reorder itself
That the past five years
Will fade out
Through the tip of this pen
The insecurities will be gone
The trauma will be gone
The memories will be gone
You'll be gone
For good
Never existing
A total and complete stranger
Because who you are now
Isn't who I first met
But that's life right?
People changed
I changed
And it hurt like hell
But after that
Everything melded
Faded together
The sun and moon
Will no longer fight for supremacy behind my closed eyelids
Sadness will finally move out of happiness's home
The unwanted roommate
Never paying their rent
Leaving behind tidbits of loneliness
That would always cover
Your vortex infused days of sun
Cozy winter mornings have reappeared
Snuggled in a blanket
Snow caressing my window sill
A gust turned into
An extinct lovers laugh
Because my days are brighter
My pen is lighter
And the ink that I've bled
Over the past five years
Has finally been staunched
From the incisions
On my ugly blue battered
Gun powder heart.

Storm

I can tell you so many things about the world and what I’ve seen. What I’ve done. What’s happened to me.
But there’s something I think we can all relate to. When you find a person, that in reality they tell you they’re no good for you. You’ll just get hurt.
But it’s like waking up in the morning after staying up till three. And not feeling tired
It’s like taking the first good drink of coffee after you haven’t had any for a while.

It’s like this calm painted over picture with a glorious sunset and the waves cresting and rising. The clouds stained with colors that you didn’t even know could mix together and create something new.
It’s like falling out of an airplane and instead of feeling fear you just can’t stop thinking about the wind rushing in your ears touching your face. Your heart in your throat your stomach trying to join it. And you know that it could go wrong the parachute could fail and you’d just be falling. Knowing that you may very well end up dead.

A splat of blood and organs with tiny shreds of bone on the pavement. But at least you died with this weird feeling. This feeling of total  happiness and calm. But the same time you’re scared as ****.
Sometimes when they’re with you it’s this huge really really huge wave. And all you wanna do is fix whatever you did that day. But they just give you this look of disappointment and walk away.
It’s like when you’d jump off the swings when you were smaller and you’d hit the ground. And you got that weird sometimes painful feeling where it felt like you would never breathe again. But then this relief hits you and suddenly you’re gulping down air like an alcoholic chugs down three bottles of whiskey.
Sometimes it’s the violent roaring storm that’s like an untamable saber tooth. You’re being tossed around and shredded apart like this beast was planted in your heart and now it’s awoken and wants to be freed. The worst of these storms are when everything is ok. And then suddenly they just snap and start fighting with you.

And it just leaves this hollow feeling like this isn’t what you expected. But these storms are never what you thought or expected.
They’re a smashed up *** of porcelain shards. They’re beautiful and lovely to look at. But then you’re pushed into it and someone closes the lid and starts shaking it up. And you’re being bitten all over cut into you’re bleeding everywhere. And you just want this hell to end and when it seems like it’s climaxing and getting to the height of it.

It just stops and the person who threw you in there is looking down at you all concerned. And you’re so ******* happy to see them and you get up even though it hurts and you’re still being stabbed by these harsh unforgiving shards. But suddenly They just push you back down and put the lid back on and keep doing it.

Like you didn’t suffer enough.
That is a storm. Violent but soft to the touch and a beautiful thing that can break you and then remake you over and over again.
That is the storm entirely unexpected and not what you thought you’d get.

Quaking Earth shattering Revolting
And I'm in the middle of it
My heart is at least
I didn't realize or notice that it got so big able to lumber out of my chest
I guess that's ok because I can't do anything about it
Just like I couldn't do anything about the fire rising up behind "me"
You aren't with me I don't get to hear your laugh anymore
Sprinkling down through ivy covered walls
You aren't with me
I've realized that a lot
But I also realize that when I get up in the morning
Or in most cases never going to sleep to begin with
The moon a lovely
Complicit pale lover
Never questioning me
Never worrying me
Listening when I need to talk
And instead of telling me what to do
Or telling me what I'm doing wrong
it just listens
I knew it wasn't a mistake when I fell for your pale face
It was a mistake when I started liking someone
Who's face didn't stay impressively passive when looking at me
It was a mistake to fall out of orbit
For someone who never wanted to be free
From the confines of gravity
To  come into my sky
You know sometimes
I can still see your shadow
Just out of the corner of my eye
The way your hair would fall
How your eyes would even enrapture the sun
You aren't mine anymore
But the sun still deigns to rise
And the moon still loves me
I can't get back the love and adoration
I gave you over the past five years
And as I said I still see your shadow sometimes
But you aren't mine
And that's ok
Because even though you never cared
About being the meteor that knocked me out of orbit
I still cared about you being happy
Even when it wasn't with me
Even when it isn't with me
And each day since
I've gotten off of the ground
More and more
So thanks
For the broken insecurities
For the things that I never wanted
Thanks for submerging me into a vat
Made out of stress and emotional pain
Thanks
For the new sense of orbit
And the new outlook
And that sometimes
Dreams shatter
Possibilities shatter
But that's ok
Because when they shatter
The fractures
Lead to new doors

I am in unending hell
Because it started with a kiss
And now I keep wondering how it ended up like this
But it never started with a kiss
Because I've never actually ******* kissed you
But then it did end up with just one **** look
ONE LOOK
And I accidentally tripped over my unlaced shoes
Except you can't lace up vans that don't have shoe laces to begin with
But I did end up tripping
Into your hazel colored eyes
Except they aren't hazel colored
Because I've seen
Silver
Blue
Dark blue
Green
And this weird really
Really
Really
Pale
Turquoise color
But no that's not really any justified way to do it
I don't do romantic poetry or
Even poetry but my point is
You didn't smile as much as you usually do and I pay attention to you so much
That I can hear the smile in your voice
But no really one look
And my whole family was crowded around my computer asking you questions
And forgetting that I existed and now that I look back
Because it didn't happen too long ago
My heart is actually constricting with each breath I take
This thing called crushes and love and liking someone
Is kinda confusing
My heart trips over its feet
My eyes get wider and brighter than a full moon
My fingers cramp
I asked you something once while playing a game
It was a really romantic setting
I think you were the shape and you were trying to stab me
So I started ******* around and flirting with you
Because I mean
I kinda thought
"If you're laughing too much you can't stab me and if you're flirting back you won't be focused on stabbing me."
You just really make me smile
And right now I've tried to write this smile down
First taking the corners of my lips
And sticking thumb tacks in them
Just to try and hold them down
To stop the stretching grin
And to stop my face from actually hurting
Because that's how much you make me smile
Thanks

P.S
I blame ALL of this on you.

Hope

A fleeting tasteless thing
Something that used to be so full of flavor
Something that actually had a meaning
Causing my nervous system to spark
Stirring emotions through my body
Causing
God forbid
Emotions
But now it just feels like frost bite
And if I sit here long enough
That frostbite
Will slowly but steadily
Turn into hypothermia
And then I'll feel woozy
And then I'll feel warmer
They'll be calling ME the next tropical storm
I'll take off my clothes
Because I think that's what happens
When you start to freeze from the inside out
Hoarfrost cracking through my blood stream
I never thought it would end this way
But I guess it is a fitting death
For someone who's already frozen on the inside
It only needs to be completed
On the outside
From the beginning to the end
To the inside from the outside
Always fleeting
And never to be caged
Never to be obtained
Or granted
Or even achieved
That
Is what the simple
Four letter word
Hope
Means to me

The dying rays of the sun
Reaching up to kiss its pink tinged clouded lovers
Blue powdered sky dancing behind
Stealing its breath
And unknowingly
Stealing mine
Sweeping my heart away
With the very last ray
Just to do it again
Taking my eyes and filling them
Pitchers full of awe and delighted shock
Because holy hell
You are the most beautiful thing
That my eyes have ever been graced with
And its terrifyingly terrific
Because every time the sun sets
You always change
Thank you
For unlocking the door to my sealed memories
Happy ones
Lost ones
Ones where if I thought about it before
I wouldn't see the shade of happiness
Or taste the laughter
I'd just watch the sadness
Slide comfortably over my heart
I'm glad that you were the one to steal it
And my last breath
I'm grateful that you were the last thing I saw
Before I laid that old side down on a bed
Weaved and sown out of regrets and scars
Draped in sadness and anxiety
A grave fit for me
Thank you

Cortana
How may I assist you?
How long does it take to heal a broken heart?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How long does it take to regain broken trust?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How may I assist you?
how long does it take to heal?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
Why can't I talk straight?
Cortana
I don’t know how to help with that
Cortana
why do my words trip and stumble out of my mouth?
Crashing faster than the snow from an avalanche
Roiling down the mountainside
Cortana
Error
Cortana
How do I fix myself?
Cortana
Error

The longer I drink from your life source
The more it soothes my vanilla charred nerves
As I sip from the forbidden goblet
Searing down my throat
Love can be a balm
Healing
Mending
But too much of it can be a poison
I keep sipping
Watching the rain streak down the window
Almost able to feel the pitter patter
On my clam frozen skin
Maybe if I drink enough
My hands will stop shaking
When I spread them
I see the silver bells dangling from them
Softer and lighter than any fairies laugh could be
The flavor of your dreams coats my tongue
Oh what it is to be so young
I sit back
Watching the ashes dance  
Steam wafting up to my nose
I saw your last breath
Before I saw your eyes glaze
Turning into vacant mirrors
And it was pure joy
Wrapped in a package
Taped with bones
Oh
What it was to be young again.

I'm a sucker for brown eyes
But then again I always just loved
The thought of waking up to look into grave dirt
And not be buried securely under it for once
I'm also a sucker for blue eyes
Because I'll never be able to drown in them
Like I've just ever so slightly drowned in the sea
I mean it was just a little bit
Part of me thought it would be fun
I like Canada dry
So much so that I think
It may have actually taken over my body
Absorbed all of my blood
And now my heart
Which has unironically and uncoincidentally
Turned into a perfectly undented Canada dry can
My smile will blind you
Whenever I choose to do so
When a guy tells me I should smile more
I honestly only smile because
When his eyes fall upon it
They will shriek
Sprout arms
And shut his eyelids
But little did they know that it would be too late
Because they've already shriveled up
Turning to a fine layer of dust inside of their respected sockets
So yes I'll smile for you
I'm a siren walking
Who also just happens to be an opera singer
Just so I can replace the glasses that I shatter with your ear drums
I'm a lovely rose in the garden
The better replacement
Of snow whites poisoned apple
Admire my glimmering
Harmless beautiful petals
You don't notice that you're getting light headed
But that's alright
Because I get your last breath
That belongs to me as you inhale
My sickly sweet fumes
Heavier than the humidity in the air
As I sit
Sipping my peppermint tea
Reading your life
Like I read the pages of my book
Because I'm all about blue seas
And brown rays of sunshine
And did I mention?
I'm a sucker for a smug smile

Oh Mr. Sandman
Bring me your dreams
Ba ba ba ***
Make them the cutest that I've ever seen
Even if its just for a few seconds before Insomnia
Sweeps me off my feet
In the kitchen
We waltz
1
2
3
Cotton candy dreams
1
2
3
Feather light tonight
1
2
3
Come on let's keep going
1
The dance isn't over yet
2
I know that you're starting to break a sweat
3
Put on that mask for me
3
Let me see what you refuse to
3
You can't be what you want
2
But you can be what I've shaped you to be
2
So just sit down
1
We're almost through
1
And write what I want you to write

Hi. Yes thanks. I know I have pretty eyes I’ve heard that a lot.
Can you stop talking to me now?

I say that within my head because I know it would be considered “Rude”. When you’ve just given me a compliment. At least that’s what it’s deemed by most people in society.

If a guy tries to start a conversation with you or give you a compliment. Why don’t you just smile. And talk back.
Why don’t you just not? I know it’s considered polite. But I don’t owe you a smile. I don’t owe you a conversation. I don’t owe you a **** thing. Let alone a smile.

But that isn’t appropriate of me. I mean. Honestly how dare I tell someone no. Let alone a person of the male race. Who thinks that they’re being polite and reasonable. But when I try to disengage the conversation and walk away. You either step up. And verbally pull me back. Because if I keep walking and ignore you it’s rude. And there’s a chance that if you’re one of those guys. You will persistently keep walking and follow me down the street towards my house.

And I certainly don’t want you knowing where I live when you won’t even let a conversation end. And then there are the guys. That have grabbed me by the arm. Turned me back around. And boldly stated. We aren’t done talking. And by the fire in hell. It has taken every single fiber of my being. To hide the fury in my eyes. And all of my will. To keep my hands by my side instead of delivering you a well deserved punch to the nose. Because how dare you think that the conversation ends when you want it to end. Maybe I should be honored that you wanna talk to me. Despite the fact that I don’t even know you and you make me uncomfortable. And I have noticed your eyes. And how they’re constantly roaming. But no girl. Is and has to put up with you. An utter stranger. Who uses the excuse of. “Don’t be such a *****.” When you’re denied a conversation or you’re told no.

So thank you. For the ever so painful conversation. The fact that. You randomly chased me down when I shook my head. And started walking faster. And last but not least. The fact that throughout the time span of this entire conversation. You’ve never made EYE CONTACT with me not even ONCE.
So.

To the self entitled ****** who decided that I owed them a conversation. When I politely and quitely shook my head no to your offer of a conversation.

*******.

A very misleading scene.
You know what’s going to happen. It’s very cliché. Home alone except for your boyfriend. You two are just sitting on the bed watching a horror movie. You just put it on to have an excuse to be held and cuddled. And then it happened. You’re holding hands now. Slowly leaning in to each other even  closer than possible. You’re practically on his lap now. As he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. You lean in BUT BUT hold on he doesn’t know what you do. So you keep pretending kissing him back and pushing him down. And then just as it really starts happening you innocently put your hands around his neck. Stare into his eyes. And then…. SNAP.
Man he was really idiotic to think he could cheat and get away with it.
I guess you could say that took an unexpected TURN.

Hollow.

When I wake up I’m in this building. Low gray decrepit rotting from the inside out. I know what I’m doing here but I don’t understand why my spirit won’t give up. The husk of my heart barely emitting a whimper of a beat. I constantly try and find them their laugh echoing over and over in my head. Not the thing that’s replaced them. I keep chasing the tatters of their laugh. The last dying rays of their smile. The warmth from their hugs. But I always end up passing cracked windows broken down staircases. Back to the room where the empty cavern of my heart lays in pieces. Ribs somehow mortifyingly enlarged. Lying across the ground in chunks shattered and broken apart from the concussive blast of pain and sorrow. I collapse in a pile of ashes. Falling to my knees. Trying. Trying so hard to piece the ashes together but they just run through my fingers. Slipping away like grains of sand my tears mixing together. The blood blending in. All of my dreams. All of my hard work every single effort. Shattered like a window. But instead of shards just cutting me. It falls through. The powder brushing across my skin leaving trails of blood behind. Still able to mock me. I thought for once that it was done the cycle was broken. It was finally broken. And when I fell. Into that circle of broken bones the ash puffing up around me. Shards of my heart bleeding. I thought I was out. But when I fell into that ash. I fell right back to the start.

Memories Are made of this
They're made out of things
That I had almost forgotten
That I was so close to forgetting
All of the cuts and scars
Gracing my gun battered heart
They were so close to fading
I've written a lot about this recently
I realize because
While my mind sits back
Looking at that obsidian corner of my heart
The one that refuses to let go and listen
To be smart
To actually get its **** together
It has refused to break
My mind is tired of trudging along pulled by that part
I write because this is the only way I can actually put it together
Like picking up the pieces of a broken vase
And getting cut
I just stare at the blood
Not really feeling the stinging kiss of it
It's just another thing that bodies do
Bleed
But I guess I'm just not used to seeing it on the outside
When its always on the inside
I've always been like this
Slowly able to forget
But still
Timidly refusing to do so
As I'm typing away
My keys providing a steady click
I look up
And through the curtains
Through the closed shades
I can see that the sun has come up again
Oh
I guess I did it again
Staying up again
Because my past would rather haunt my active conscious
Where I can't help but think about it
Instead of haunting my dreams
Maybe if my mind could feel as my heart did
Would it feel sympathy?

Laying on a bed
I think I was asleep
(I think)
That was before the loud popping sounds started going off
Oh right
It's the fourth of July
Our nations birthday
I groan
I get up
I shuffle around looking for my glasses
I then proceed to make a very loud
Very annoying dying sound because I can't find them
I sigh and go out into the backyard
Watching
Pop
Burst
Pop
Burst
Color
Colour
Color
I would've felt something
I know
When I was smaller
The sounds would've scared me
But
I like the loud bangs
I still like
The bursts of heaven that decided to come down from the sky
Just for tonight
My mind likes all of these things
But a sheer bitterly cold layer of cynicism
Is wrapped around my heart as if it were a glove
So snug in fact
That when my heartbeats
It beats too
I see a certain blue
And I'm now walking up the road of my past
My subconscious being the gateway
To forgotten and even suppressed memories
The stardust dew of a violent red brings back the sound
Of tires screeching on pavement
I jump looking behind me as if I can see that exact car
As if it were pulled from my memory
Driver and all
And woven back into the reality of the present
Burst
Pop
Burst
Pop
Colour
Color
Colour
I don't know when
My memories started to come packed into exploding tubes
For people to set off
But I guess with this way
I can't ignore my past when it's right above my head
Burst
Color
Pop
Colour
Burst
Pop
Color

In out
That's the way the tide flows
In out
The sun goes down
In out
The stars come
In out
the moon shines
In out
I'm still here
In out
Floating upon this dark sea
In out
Moving with the tides
In out
I have no complaints
All I'm doing is floating after all
In out
I watch
In out
Day by day
In out
As the stars fade out
In out
The sun starts to come rising through the sky
In out
A bleak disc at first
In out
Burning away the buttery dew of morning
In out
I realize
In out
That I'm not floating on a sea
In out
I'm floating on everything that I've kept out
Out in
Everything that I haven't let myself feel
Out in
Everything that I've kept away
Out in
So I can help other people
Out in
I say I'm fine
Out in
I am fine
In out
Smile

The moment you opened your eyes
My heart started fluttering
Part of me thought I was going to die
The other rational part told me to just calm down it was fine
AND THEN

I got ******
Because in my ears echoing as if I were in an opera hall
I could hear your infuriatingly stupidly smug laugh
Haunting me and hounding me like Marley's chains rattling at old Scrooge
Your smile flashed across my opened eyes like a new projector
And I didn't really appreciate that
I've begun to notice that your laugh only comes out
When you've successfully flustered me
I can feel the beats of butterfly wings trapped against the ribs that have become their cage

I thought these things were supposed to be in your stomach not your ribcage
But now that I find myself off on a tangent
I would just like you to know
That if there were ******* butterflies in my **** stomach
The acid in my stomach would dissolve them
So I guess that this isn't an accurate example of how you make me feel
But then again as a four year old climbs into the chair I'm sitting in

I honestly wonder what is
Maybe one of these days I'll bother looking away
Long enough to actually find out
Guess these butterflies won't be dissolved
Maybe if I put them in an envelope
That would fix the beats that speed up my pulse

OK so as an avid book lover when I find a series that I really. Really get attached to and I can read it over five times and still enjoy it. (Yes I have done that before.) It is great. Now that being said I have a series its a really good series. You don't need to know the name of it or such. But that's not the point this series officially has four books. Four books. Now there's no problem with that. BUT. There is the first three books. You know what. Anyone in here watch Naruto? Or read it. You know all of those useless episodes. Or how its like dragon ball Z where it takes five episodes in the order of. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING.  Kick. Well back to my point. The first three books. Are all over three hundred pages. And this by far is my favorite series. So I loved the first three books. But I wasted my money on the fourth. I was so ready. I waited two years. Two literal years. Pre ordered it. Paid express two day shipping. Just to get a thin book. By thin I mean it was barely over two hundred pages. And it was just. Just. It was bull! I waited two years. I waited two years for an official release date. Then I waited to see the cover. And it looked beautiful but it was just a sugar coated lie covered in fire ants! I wanted to see what happened between Nesta and Cassian I wanted to see if my ship sailed. I wanted to see if Elain picked Azriel over Lucien. I didn't care about Feyre and Rhys having a kid. That was bound to happen. I didn't care about a painters studio being opened. Not when all of you just fought against Hybern and barely lived! I wanted MORE THAN THIS. Instead you just left me disappointed and unsatisfied. This fourth book was like anyone of you. Wondering out of bed. Getting something out of the fridge. Putting it in the fridge and listening as it makes the loudest sounds ever almost waking up the whole house. You burn your finger a bit getting it out. You get a spoon or a fork and you start eating. Just to find out that its cold. It is colder than the iciest depths of Antarctica. This is what that book was like. Can you feel my disappointment rolling off in bone crushing waves?!

I woke up with stardust in my eyes
All I could see was your smile
I wonder if we both knew what would happen
You said it was a good idea so I followed you
You said everything would be fine nothing could go wrong
I laughed and followed along carefully walking the edges of your smile
Tracing your lips with my fingertips
Watching the sun cast rays over your head
I remember when you said it would be fun being on the run
We could walk on the edge of stars
We would see the past go by on a dying ray of a nebula
We would dip our fondest memories in infinity
Casting them in forever
I looked over a bitter smile on my face
I don't have any memories but if I could
I'd cast your smile in forever
If I could I'd dip your laugh in infinity
I'd mold the butterflies you gave me in amber
To keep their bodies from succumbing to the natural cycle of death
It wasn't supposed to happen like this
We were supposed to walk on the edge of the galaxy together
We were supposed to dance on the graves of our enemies
Casting memories into starlight
Finding untraveled paths
Take the road less traveled
Find unexpected adventures
Find ourselves
But now that I think about it
You wanted me to be happy
You were just distracting me
Trying to be the silver lining over this dreaded situation
So when I look up
At the stars as we sit on the edge of the moon
Defying the impossible
Breathing in the air from space
You tell me that it wasn't supposed to go this way
And I look over at you
As you fade into the velvety blackness
And I find myself alone
Sitting at the edge of space
Suddenly cold
I still have a bitter smile on my face
And if I could I would dip your smile in infinity
I'd cast your laugh in forever
And I would mold the butterflies you gave me into amber
Forever to be preserved

Frost.

It curls around the edges of my pupils encircling them like a newly fallen coat of snow…. My body gave in a long time ago to the bittersweet numbing cold I remember the day it happened. I often do. It started at my foot I thought a soak in the tub would make it go away. But instead it spread through the water. Freezing that too, and it just kept moving up. Up. Up. Until it reached my stomach I wasn't afraid as I looked down at the shining blue white material. As it crept up to my throat gentle. Soothing but still a bit stinging. I wonder what I had done to make it even appear and as it crowns my eyes like a newly minted king and queen. I still haven't found the answer.

I’m afraid of heights. But I don’t fear falling. Falling is a freedom that’s never failed to run away from me when I’ve given chase. Falling is the wind in my hair. Clothes ruffling. The pure feeling of exhilaration. Of knowing that there’s still fear under that energy. What am I going to fall into? Or on? Is my body going to hit the pavement? Blood blossoming around me as if an artist spilled a can of paint. And I just happened to fall into it. Except my body will relax. Whatever feelings I had. Whatever thoughts I had leaked out through that pool of blood around me. And in my last moments of comprehension I can tell that it’s darker than I expected it to be.  But it’s still the same. It hasn’t changed any. I always fall into the pavement. It opens its arms as if it were a long lost friend. Calling my name. Making promises of peace and clarity. Promises that no one will be depending on me if I just come into its arms. That I can sleep and not have my dreams plagued with locusts of worry. And grief. And over thinking. So when I found myself falling again. I leaned back into the feeling. I leaned back into the wind relishing the feel of its fingers in my hair. Relishing the feeling of this peace. How could you have peace while you’re falling. I’m not sure anymore. My fear of falling the healthy fear of falling and colliding into something. Has been stripped away. Stripped away like an apple being peeled. Or cheese being grated into finer layers. I don’t fear it. I welcome it. With open arms. And an open. Still intact unscrambled mind. So when I fall through the sky. I only regret. That it’ll be over soon. This addicting feeling of freedom this adrenaline rush. Will be spread out in a bloodied halo around my head. And that’s the only thing I regret. That it can’t last forever. But alas all good things must come to an end. So I close my eyes. Inhale deeply knowing the impact is going to come soon. And hang onto the remnants of this wonderful. Blissful feeling. And then it happens. I hit something. And instead of it being concrete. I find that it’s another body. Another faller I guess. So when I open my eyes. Expect to see blood around me. But instead I see blue eyes. Not just blue eyes. Blue eyes that aren’t glazed over. Blue eyes that weren’t gifted the kiss of death. Eyes that are alive. And are also as confused as I am. Instead of falling into the opened arms of the soft gray pavement I’ve fallen into a person. A person who just tells me. That it isn’t time. To die. To come back. And fall again. That I have something to do and people that need me. And I need to wait for that feeling. I need to wait and stop craving it because I’ve become too addicted to the euphoria of it. It’s time to take my head out of the wind and sky. And come back to earth and live. I actually sigh at this. I sigh in annoyance. And roll my eyes. Because how dare they. That’s why. So hand in hand with this blue eyed stranger I go. Down a road carved and sculpted from the wind. From the stars. And from the ageless eternity of night. To whoever apparently needs me. While I shake trying to stave away the callings and whispers of the wind. Begging me to come and join it. To come back and dance the waltz that never ends. But with my hand in theirs. I’m anchored here and I can’t. So for now I block it out and keep walking. To the light that needs me. Because (apparently). I’ve chosen to live even before this day. And even before this exceptionally weird fall. I chose to live.

So I will.

I’m not sure when I started
With small chubby child hands
I found this canvas in my mind
It stretched from wall to wall. Floor to ceiling.
It was so blank and I wondered why it existed
So for the first few years
A few canvases were filled with happy memories
Splotches of paint
Bright rays of laughter
And then
After I got older
Some were filling up with grays and blacks
I painted these endlessly
And then they started getting brighter
People were there
I painstakingly sharpened their edges
To make them stand out
To contrast
Except in the middle of these people
There were always these two figures.
And their outlines were smudged
They were blurred
They were smoky
Wisps curling from around them
And a part of me knew the shorter one was me
And I knew who the taller one was
The taller one was the constant
But sometimes
Constant steady presences can hurt
And I didn’t notice when my hands
Stopped being chubby and stumpy
I didn’t notice that instead
They became sleek a
nd flecked with tiny white scars
I  hadn’t noticed the paint
In swirling groups of flecks and blots
I hadn’t noticed
My left hand rising up with a sponge
To erase that tall outline that had been there for such a long time
And in its place I painted
I painted a clear defined question mark
And for a while
It followed me
And I was ok
I was ok with it following me around sometimes
And other times I wish I hadn't erased what I did
But one night in that seemingly half full endless chamber
Of canvases
I did something I ended up making something
Not like I usually created
I lifted both hands
I dipped them in this paint
I watched the droplets fall to the floor and splatter
And I realized something from me fell and splattered with them.
And when it did
This blank canvas bursted into life
I watched
I watched as paint seeped off of my fingers
Drawn into that canvas like a sponge
I watched as that defined question mark turned into a figure.
Almost my height
But slightly taller
And I watched
As all of these other canvases
Started filling with old memories from this rearranged question mark
And present ones
So I sat
And I watched

The City burned lighting up the night sky.

My city was burning. The one that I had so carefully crafted. The sky just an ash stained backdrop embers flying into the sky as if doves were freed from their cages. There were screams. I could see the people trapped in their houses. I could see the people spilling out of their houses. Once smooth pristine flesh. Now oozing. Angry red bubbles popping new ones blistering. I could see brothers holding their sisters back. Back from going in and getting family members. Back from getting pets. Back from going to the home that was now burning in front of them. I couldn’t talk ash coated my windpipe. Searing down it as if I had drank *****. It streaked up and down my arms as if it were painting me for war. And in a way it was. Because I would fight for this place. I would try to reign in the flames. Breathing in deeply through my nostrils as if I could take all of it and bind it into myself. And let it burn within me and spare this place that had become a sanctuary for so many. That had become my sanctuary. Except I hadn’t realized it. Peaceful days would be no more. Only days that were just filled with grieving. Filled with frantic terrorized people looking for remains. Looking for memories. Looking for small sentiments among the rubble. Just to numbly drop and realize that Greedy flames had burned it all away. And if it wasn’t. A Brash wind would sweep through and carry off the once heard laughs. The footsteps of the children playing. No. I have to stop. I have to help. But how can I help when I can’t even find the will to move. My muscles slowly failing me. Until I find a hand on my already heat kissed skin. Such a casual. Such a familiar gesture. I would know this hand. I do know this hand. Except I don’t because I find that when I turn. I turn! I can move. I can smile. I can do something. And I swear it’s like someone heard me. Heard my would be half baked panicked plan. A wind pushes at my back and I forget about the phantom hand. I only look long enough to notice a hand print just two sizes bigger than mine. It’s nice to know that they didn’t change that much. But that’s not the point. I travel down the blistered hill. Going to wherever I can. And just. Inhaling. I wince as it travels down my throat. And where it goes. I’m not sure. But it keeps working. I see my people. The people I’m supposed to protect. The people I am trying my best to protect. They calm down when they see me. But they also flinch away. As if they’ve received a swatting from a nanny. I can’t tell if my neck has been exposed. The bones gleaming white. The strewny muscles showing. Charred because they’ve already been cooked by the flames that never cease to exist. I want to stop. I can’t take this searing pain that’s numbed over half of my body and my nerves. The flames keep dancing and dancing. Dancing me closer to death. But I keep doing it. Until I get to the last house. I breathe in…… And that’s the last breath I remember taking. Before I collapse falling to my knees. And then keeling to the side. The ashes make a lovely pillow. Coating half of my face as if I had decided to play with them. Except these ashes were from wood. From bones. Some heavily soaked in blood… But they were all safe. The ones left alive at least. Marked and to forever be scarred by the fire. But alive. In pain. But alive. And that’s all that mattered to me. These are my last thoughts as I’m finally swept through a smoke coated tunnel of blackness.

Hi! Nice to meet you.. Oh I’m sorry you look confused. Or am I confused? Or are we just both confused? Oh I was supposed to be introducing myself I’m your anxiety… I’m the reason that causes your confidence to flake apart I wrap myself around you like an overly comfy turtleneck. It’s a shame you always get so confident and I’m sorry but I can never help myself it’s like a board game with you. You move three steps forward you can actually speak to the person who’s taking your order at the drive through. You don’t stutter and oh I’m so proud of you. You’re concise and easy to understand… And I let you have these small confidence boosters. They make you so happy and your eyes light up and you get that stupidly adorable smile on your face.. And I’m sorry I am but it’s so fun to slowly come back and chip away at the progress you’ve made. I know when I do it starts small you fumble a word in a sentence and have to repeat or you just completely **** it up and then you start caving in on yourself. Trying so hard to blend in and be normal, but baby we’ve been at this for a while now. You can’t be normal not when it's with me. I trail your steps reminding you about the stray hair that keeps falling out from behind your ear. And what if someone noticed and they said something. I know you’ve never been good with strangers you never approach them. And when they approach you you’re just so small and shy hating yourself because you just can’t speak. I’ve given you everything to do so your trembling hands your frail voice. The slight heat creeping across your cheek bones. And I can’t stand it. It makes me insane when you roll your shoulders forward as if that can honestly save you. I’ve given you time I’ve given you space. Admittedly I also gave you false hope and happiness but dear. I’m honestly hurt how could you ever think I was actually gone? Like I would actually ever leave you alone? I’ve become so attached can’t you see that? I can. When I feel your heart rate go up and see the thoughts in your mind racing. Your fingers are so delicate always trying to pick up the pieces. But you know you can’t not when they shake so much each piece just breaks after it slips through your fingertips. Part of me wants to tell you to stop trying but I delight in watching you too much. But that’s not healthy right? I’m supposed to be supportive but we both know I’ve never been that type. We both know this has never been supportive or healthy. You keep going on and smiling using humor as a crutch. The only time your hands are steady is when you pull out one of your masks and that makes my day which one is it going to be now? The stone cold *****? The “strong” silent type? Or will it be the one that I gave you when we first graced the dance floor together? The one that you fasten over your head and put your hair up behind. While you’re silently hoping that no one notices you. Or is it the one that only shows the truth in those brown eyes of yours? While I take the strings that command your mouth and pull it up into a smile. Your spine bends to my will like a horse broken to the bit and you straighten. Tall falsely proud and it’s the best secret ever. Only between us. Maybe I’m sadistic but I’ve always been able to feel you curl into yourself even when I don’t let you… And no one would know not unless they looked into your eyes. But I know they won’t, you know they won’t. Because you never make eye contact with anyone. Your skittishness is like a free fall with no end. Our whole relationship has been like a dance with no end. I stay pristine guiding you twirling you across the floor watching as your dress flares out around you. An insecurity or a flaw flying off with each turn. Each dance. Each smile I can see your heart bleeding, your feet stumbling over each other. You’re always falling and I can’t help but feel obliged to catch you. Even though. I can always see that you’d rather fall… Because who wouldn’t? When each time I sweep you into my arms the dance starts over. The fun begins the cycle repeats. I build you up, I boost your confidence it's all me. You don’t want this I can see that… And… I almost feel bad for you. I almost find myself stopping. Letting you have a prolonged moment of peace frozen in ice.. But if I do that someone else may come along. And I’m sorry sweetie but ****** to hell I’m not going to lose my entertainment not when I’ve done this much work to get you like this. Hi nice to meet you. Oh I’m sorry you look confused. Or am I confused? Or are we both confused? Oh I was supposed to be introducing myself...

He grabbed the moon as the stars screamed
They reached out and were tired of the never ending always returning ball of light in the sky. They wanted their nights to just be dark. Pitchless. A night steeped in silence. In darkness. Because that’s what they fed on. The different undertones of grey's swiftly carrying them to the welcoming velvet of black. The kiss of night. Except. There’s always that cursed
thing that rises. The blackness scattering back from it in waves. Receding from a shore that it once used to own. They grimaced. And wished that for once they could grab the moon and vanquish it. They got curious. Finding themselves reaching out before they could really truly do anything about it. They didn’t want to stop. They expected nothing to come of it so when their fingers felt this… Suction feeling. As if the circulation was cut off. And saw how their hand went through something like there was a divide between the land of air and the empty void of space. The home of this pesky pale thing. They froze. For once their façade of stone and cold broke. And they found that a well of curiosity was flooding them. Crumbling through walls that had been parched from a wave of desert heat. They twisted their hand. Trying to make some reason. Some cause for this to happen. But they could find none. And instead of feeling fear about what they were doing. They held the confidence of a honed swordsman. Knowing that they were set in their skill. He grimaced. And smiled. Casually brushing his hand against the face of the moon. He wasn’t startled that he could reach it. Or shocked. The shock came from the voices that filtered in through the gap his hand created. Thousands upon thousands of melodious screams floated through it. But he could never find the source. Which puzzled him to no end. So when the last pure note floated through the gap. He found himself sitting there in silence like what could I do now. “Take that pesky thing and welcome the dark”. Floated through his mind from a rich deep voice. Motivating his hand to do his bidding. As he firmly grabbed the edge of the round pale light source. The screaming resumed. As if the stars were pleading for their king not to be taken. But he didn’t let that stop him. He pulled through. Adding in his other hand until the gap started getting wider. And the space between earth and the voidless kingdom opened. The stars getting louder growing brighter with all of their voices. As if they were notes being played too high. Strings being too taut. But with one final tug. The moon came into his realm. The shadows flooded over it. Securing it to the ground. And spinning around the boy. Bowing to him. Rising up and kissing his shoulders and his hair. Leaving a crown and flowing despair stained cloak of darkness. The stars were still screaming though. At the sight of their precious moon being taken. Taken into an unknown but watched over land. It was wrong. It was so wrong and unnatural. It belonged in the sky. Safe. loved. Cherished.

He grabbed the moon as the stars screamed

Dear humans.
We’ve seen your twerking and “hoverboards”
We aren’t  impressed.
Dear humans
We’ve seen your people and their ideals.
Dear humans
Those same ideals that have gotten a “thing” as we will not insult the tiny humans that you call five year olds. The “thing” now runs your country.
Dear humans
We’ve seen your girl the one who would. In the correct term “meet me outside, what do you think about that.”
Dear humans
We’ve seen how you destroy your planet. (Now not some of you). And then complain about how getting things the natural way would leave eyesores like wind turbines. But we really do mean to ask you. What happens when your whole planet turns into one big eyesore.
Dear humans
We want to say
That we will never contact you.
We may leave you evidence the evidence that we exist.
But we NEVER want to CONTACT YOU.
Bye for now.
Dear humans.

Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
And
When she spoke.
They lost everything they had ever had.
Dreamt of aspired to claim.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
Buildings collapsed families fell apart.
But her lips still awoke the sleeping city
And how could they not?
Even within the safety of the day no one dared to ignore the words that crested and tumbled out of her mouth.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city
Soothing the restless and striking fear into the hearts of the rich
Her lips awoke the sleeping city
And sometimes the best thing to use to awake a sleeping city
Sung and rocked to sleep by a lullaby of soft lies and twisted grins and crossed fingers behind backs.
Is the truth
So when her lips awoke the sleeping city
It was as if a finely second crafted skin had been peeled off.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.

When the stars fall by
I can't feel anything
It was my fault
No matter what I did
It would never fix anything
I was just on this frozen lake
I don't want to be here
I hate it here
It's always cold
And now that the stars I adored have fallen
There's no light
And soon enough there won't be air
And all I can do Is just stare up at this dark sky
And ask
How can this be fair?
I tried
But it was just like trying to swim without arms
And now that I'm happy
You have the nerve to be mad at me for letting go
I didn't understand you then I still don't now
I'm sorry
For what I still can't figure it out

Smile
I'm lost inside of my head
Smile
The clouds have gotten even heavier
Smile
I don't remember how I got in here
Smile
How long has it been since this happened?
Smile
I can barely feel my face anymore
Smile
I can barely hear my thoughts anymore
Smile
I can't even feel my heartbeat anymore
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts so much
Smile
My lips crack blood cascading down my chin
Smile
In rivulets
Smile
It goes down my neck pasting my shirt against my skin
Smile
Boarding up the way out like plaster
Smile
Coppery metal salt
Smile
My teeth start breaking into Glacial shards
Smile
I can feel my muscles screaming in agony
Smile
My fingernails crack
Smile
The bone crowning the split flesh
Smile
Just smile…
It all goes away
Smile…