You can’t change it
You can’t rearrange it
Time is all that we’ve got
So baby let’s take it.

My life
It's like
I'm writing
A book
Not sure
How long
What chapter
I'm on
What things
In it
Are worthy
Of what
Would be
Full chapters?
How long
Does this
Book have
Left to go?
Are there
More chapters
Or am I on my last?

Often I long for the preface

A pair of socks is all you gave to me
But i wore those socks forever
Wore those socks forever

I peered through the bannisters
I remember hearing talking
I remember hearing talking

How do they all fit inside
Secrets in the night sky
Secrets in the night sky

Candle in the corner of the room
It was filled with christmas quiet
Filled with christmas quiet

Wandering on a cold misty morning
I was wearing all the jumpers
Wearing all the jumpers

A pair of socks is all you gave to me
But i wore those socks forever
Wore those socks forever

It's 9:30
Gotta count down my drawer
And I think of you
Put in the code
So the safe can be opened
In 9 or so minutes
And I think of you
Put the key in
"No sale," "giving change"
Take out the drawer
Go in the office
Ending till for ALEX OLD
And I think of you
$0.00 over/short
Perfect night
Just like perfect you
And I think of you
Open the safe, get the money
Change it out for higher bills
By the time i'm done,
It's closing time
Buy my things and she buys hers
Count down her drawer
And I think of you
Her drawer is $3.83 short
Wonder what went wrong
And how much I'll be blamed
Ignore the consequences
And I think of you
Count the change fund
So many ones
Forgot the change fund worksheet
Count it again
Then like every night
Something goes wrong
Pick up the pieces
Learn from the mistake
And I think of you
Count the deposit
$1426.22, plus a check
Which was $60.60
So $1486.82
Over and over again
$1486.82
And I think of you
She and I pick up my mess
Of cardboard
And get out
Set the alarm, close the door,
Put in the key, twist
"Clink"
Drop it under the mat
Walk to our cars
She tells me a story
About a boy riding a bike
And I think of you
Get into my car
And think of the 29th
And I think of you
And I text you
And despite my pessimism,
You text back
But you forgot about the 29th
And I'll doubt it means much to you anyway

But I'll celebrate regardless
And I'll think of you

Nothing I can do
Nothing I can say
Back and forth
I fall, and can't get up
I'm up and I fall again
Drink myself to life
And consider myself to death
Love is life
Life is hard

I meander aimlessly through consciousness
Wishing that confusion was an option
I see myself on the outside with unwillingness
Lament is not the only, but the strongest emotion
Lately, this is as it has been, not much more
Astonished by what i thought was impossible
Lacerations in my heart from everything before
Wisdom leaves
Adolescence remains
You scarred me for the remainder of my life
Still my heart caresses and craves your attention
Left for death, the heart still has your knife
On the off chance of your repeated heavenly descension
Vast is the pool of memories in which i am submerged
Every breath i take, eternity
You neglect my toughened love through every single surge
Only you
Untouched by guilt
Masked by everything around you
Obvious are the feelings that have dissolved and gone away
Love is reserved for someone new
Lust, too, but still i long for the 27th of May
You will always be mine, always

Because why
Would anyone
In their right mind
Be in love
With me?

I woke, and saw death
I smelled death
I tasted death
I heard death
I felt death...

And for what little hope I had...

Now I am covered in death

Sometimes I marvel
At how such good people
Ruin their lives
I'd like to think
That we don't have to
Soil our hands with revenge
To get justice
That people reap what they sow
That life itself
Will deal hard punches
To those of us who hurt others
Case closed

My professor said
Write on the board
What you want most in life
I wrote the word "****"
Not because i'm a pervert
I just always wanted
To see that word
On a dry erase board
In big letters

Flying solo
So close to the sun
Though I care not
For, what I want
Is to see the light
One last time
Before the end
When darkness
Overpowers me

Imperfection, this feeling
And the level of self expectation
Misunderstood, but not right
Dying for attention, this feeling
Even just eye contact
Another person, another body
Do you ever really need somebody?
It eats away at the soul
Never fasting for a second
Slowly destroying the inside
It creates a crater of hatred
Draining the heart of love
Extracts the person from the body

Sometimes it gets to me
And someday it will **** me
I mean it's fine
What she wants to do is fine
Whatever makes her happy
That's all that matters
Her wants and needs
Easily come before mine
But I do still feel
And it's becoming a detriment
To my life
To my own physical existence

People say every emotion is good
Sadness is a gift...
Fuuuuuuuuuck no, it's not!
I'd give anything to feel nothing
But happiness

Sometimes the world makes me feel
Like I never existed
And I existed
When she was laughing

It’s more than on occasion
I wish I were dead
Never an invitation
To be deserted instead

When our desired destination
Is just a right turn
Why do we then
Go left
Drive around the block
Once, twice, three times
Take three more left turns
Ending up where we started
And realize only then
How to turn right?

And how come, by then,
That road doesn't exist anymore?

Because we were never really
Behind the wheel at all

Despair

You are two people
Still separated by an ocean of time
Part of you bursting
To talk about what you saw
Part of you longing to tell you
What it all means

My future is done
It's in the past,
It never happened
And now there can be
A flatline
Happiness no more
I might as well be dead
But knowing this life
I'll live forever...

Tonight I'm gonna have myself
A real good time
I feel alive and the world
I'll turn it inside out
And floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now
Don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time
Having a good time
I'm a shooting star
Leaping through the sky
Like a tiger
Defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by
Like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me
I'm burnin' through the sky
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I'm traveling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you
Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm havin' a good time)
I don't want to stop at all
Yeah, I'm a rocket ship
On my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite
I'm out of control
I am a *** machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to explode
I'm burnin' through the sky
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I'm traveling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

The emotions, the feelings
They fill my soul
Like dread and emptiness
My heart grows old
This fresh hell
This tiring sorrow
I am crying tonight
So i can drown tomorrow
The faces, the memories
Like people and places
They fill my eyes
Tears freeze, mind races
I've felt this before
It's the same thing
I see a bluejay
Hear the sad song he sings
The emotions, the feelings
They fill my soul
Like dread and emptiness
They take their toll

Crown of leaves,
High in the window on a gold morning
Young today,
Old as a railroad tomorrow
Days are just
Drops in the river to be lost always
Only you,
Only you, you know

Years ago,
Birds of a feather would arrive nightly
Gone you know,
Held to another like clutched ivy
On the shore,
Speak to the ocean and receive silence
Only you,
Only you, you know

You hesitate, so my memory fades
I'll hold to the first one
"I wouldn't turn to another," you say
On the long night we've made

Let it go

Only you,
Only you, you know
Only you,
Only you, you know

You hesitate, so my memory fades
I'll hold to the first one
"I wouldn't turn to another," you say
On the long night we've made

Let it go
Let it go

Speak to me slow, my dear
No ghost, of course, in here
Pleased to be lonesome, quiet and clear
All is alone in here

It's 12:01 a.m.
On two-twenty eight
My life isn't over
But i've suffered my fate
And although i know
I still can't think
My heart, it throbs
Every time i blink
Third person, limited
Objective is the view
Drunk with sadness
Don't know what to do
The point is coming
It's coming pretty soon
For this poem, this poem
This poem on the moon
I mention the day
Because it's a special one
An anniversary of sorts
When a miracle was done
She'll be happy, i hope
But i'll never really know
She's a flower, right,
'Cept she needs space to grow
I'll ***** my heart out
If i go on much more
At least it's not another poem
About the stupid *****
So feliz cumpleaños
My sweet girl
I hope you wish...
Whoops, gotta hurl!

Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?
Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?

Because there's never gonna be enough space
So eat the meek
Savor the taste
It's always gonna be a delicacy
Lick your chops
And eat the meek

Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?
Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?
Don't belong

The factory mass producing fear, bottled, capped
Distributed near and far
Sold for a reasonable price
And the people,
They love it, they feed it
Brush with it, bathe with it, breathe it
Inject it direct to the blood
It seems to be replacing love

Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?
Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?
Don't belong

Because there's always gonna be token truth
Forgotten code
Discarded youth
You know there's always gonna be pedigree
One own the air
One pay to breathe

Why must we stay
Where we don't belong?
Why must we stay
where we don't belong?

Why must we stay
where we don't belong?
Don't belong...

Oh,
Elephant
In the room
You made yourself
Out of my shoes
Displace this place
Misplaced in space
Love the love
You loved to love
Once,
All was lost
Now we screen
To find it all found
It's all profound
All profound

Lazy days
Once dazed with haze
Filled myself
With vague's craze

Oh,
Elephant
In the room
Take my worried days
Take today
And yesterday
Make yourself
Out of my shoes
Because I've got nothing
Else to lose.

Angel I can see myself in your eyes
Angel won't you feel for me from your heart
Do return my heart to me
No don't insist I'm already hurt

Elephant girl
It was an accident unfortunate
Angel threw me like a rubber man
Aiming for the ground
Why amuse yourself in such way
No don't insist I'm already hurt

Lay me down on the ground softly softly
Don't remove my head, hurts much too much

You never return it
Well I wouldn't miss it
I shed no tears for broken me
You never know it, my peace of mind
Now inside and outside are matching

Why amuse yourself in such a way
No don't insist I'm already hurt
If you never return it
Will it break your wings
Will you shed no tear for broken me

Love, it's sweet.
It tears your heart open, then it retreats.
Just a little bit tender it is
All you need is a kiss

Hate, it's ruthless.
Moods will leave you toothless
You'll ****, you'll lie
Until the day you accept your fate and die.

Sadness, its depressing.
Realization is so much more stressing.
Never, ever fleeting
The heart really takes a beating

Depression.
One expression
Eternal pleading
Eternal bleeding.

Being strong is hard
And it is not always smart
Miserable, you try to hide your hunger
All the while, you forgot yourself
Trying to preserve any dignity
You lost what you had of a personality
You lost the human in you
And because of this mistake,
When you dig yourself out
You'll be nothing but flesh
The life you saved will be nothing
Nothing but an empty canvas
With no paint with which to work
And your life will be dull,
Meaningless, as it drags on
Until the split second before you die
And in that frame of time,
You'll remember who you were
You'll remember everything
And you'll wish you had died in the hole

I am the enemy
I can't get out
Of my own way
I am after blood
And sweat and tears
My metallic red blood
And my sad tears
I constantly hurt myself
Every chance I get
If now is it
I speak the truth
Two more short lines
With four more words
Words only for you:
I'm winning the battle
The battle with myself.

And one more thing
Although you physically cannot,
You can trust me

I always thought
I wasn't brave enough
To **** myself

Now i realize
I just hadn't lost
Anything worth killing myself over

Now i have. I'm sorry

Everyone
I push away everyone
Everyone i care about
Everyone i love
Everyone who can stand to hate me
Not on purpose
I've pushed away some of the greatest
The most amazing people
I don't know how
To keep it from happening
Again and again and again
And again and again and again
I'm in hell
Because when bad things happen
It's just life
When they are all your fault
And you have no idea how
Or why
Or what could have prevented them
It's hell

A pat on the back
For a job well done
Euphoria
Being the best
Being number one
Euphoria
Having a blast
Having fun
Euphoria
Meeting a pretty girl
A girl you like a ton
Euphoria
You feel like smiling
You feel like you've won
Euphoria

A feeling or state of intense
Excitement and happiness
Euphoria

You’ve broken my bones
Every other day
You’ve left me alone
To feel this way
You’ve asked my worries
To avoid your own
You’ve no guilt that hurries
To make itself known

Because you’re you
Regret hardly exists
Inside your head
To the confines of friendship
To the confines of marriage
And the confines of all else
Never ailing for what we said
Yet I hardly exist

I am alone
And utterly detached
Meandering through the means
Inside my head
Never forgetting what you said
Listening to my vague plight
Opening your eyes to the closed mind
Varying degrees of comfort
Every other day

Whether or not to trust-
In words said, actions done,
To the confines of today,
Heart-wrenching conclusions-

you.

Walking with so much
Weighing on my mind
Never had i flirted
With trouble of this kind
See the people walking
They're not even real
The things they know
The things they feel
They don't have problems
To me, no pain
They are just peripherals
Just faces in the rain

As the little time pains
The fantasy wanes
But never let the dream fade

Falling infinitely
Well maybe not,
I know there's an end
Soon, and it won't be pretty
Back to the ground
Means it will be unexpected
The sky is moving further away
No life flashing before my eyes
Only love
My love
Everything i did wrong
Becomes evident now
With impending death
I think, were i not falling
I would tell her everything
I'm thinking now
Maybe i'd ask her to marry me
That's what i've wanted after all
She's the only one i could stand
Such a miserable life
But one bright spot
But were i not falling,
I wouldn't be thinking this
I'd just be making
The same mistakes again
Unappreciative
I hope she somehow knows
That i'm sorry
For all the pain i caused her
The only thing i want to see now
Is her face
And i can't remember
What it looks like
For whatever reason
All i can see is
The sky moving further away
Now distant
****
Wish i could see
That beautiful face
One more time
All i can see
Is darkness

Your family
Brother, sister
Mother, father
Niece, nephew
They're all you've got
In this world where
Everyone is out to get you
It seems, family,
It's all you can trust
You may hate them
As people, sometimes
You can't really help that
They may treat you badly
They might break you
From time to time
But they're all you've got
You know?
And whether you like it or not
They stay forever
And they love you
Not because they should
But because that's just
Something inside us all
We sorta have to
Love our family
No real choice in the matter
So trust them
Help them
Love them
It's not like
You have much of a choice
They're yours
For good

It’s a terrible affliction
You’re my addiction
But maybe I’ll have a better mood tomorrow

High
As a kite
Then the wind gives a whirl
And the kite blows away
A sigh
In the night
Developing feelings in the heart
That makes the mind pay
Why?
Is it right?
Because the kite wasn't strong enough
And the feelings could decay

Loving and hating
Making it worse
For the better
Moving forward
In reverse
Sorrow precipitating
A painful curse
Growing inside
Wrapping myself in wind
Feeling unknown

It's 1 a.m.
And you're leaving
You've lost me
After you so recently
Found me
My busted finger
Is nothing
Compared to
The heartbreak
If you don't find me
Again
My message to you
Please listen
Ignore everything
Come back
Where you first
Found me
Bind yourself
To the purity
Of young love
And find me
Please find me
Because i'm lost
Without you

How do you let go
When she's the first one
You ever really loved
When years ago
You swore that you would
**** and die for her
The first time you felt that way
About someone else
You find that they might
Be happy, while you aren't
How do you let it go
How do you keep from
The overly protective instincts
Almost like a parent
You accepted you weren't
To be with her
Or even see her again
But come to find
There is someone else
She can trust
But can you trust him?
You knew it would happen
Didn't want to think about it
But realized the inevitability
How do you see him now?
And how do you react now?
And how do you live now?
All the flashbacks from before
Rush to you, paralyzed
You are, sitting, lying
This is the first death
Of the first love

Because somehow,
Somehow she always ends up
In my arms again
Always, back in my arms
And i'm screaming, begging
I'm back begging her to stay here
But she leaves,
And i'm left alone, begging
For just five more minutes

At times I feel the pressure
All at once
To fulfill my destiny
To be what i'm meant to be
And what matters most
Is that i'm perfect
Everything I do
Precise and planned
Concise and in control
And though I am,
Meanwhile, seemingly
I am not
I am only flawed
And I am not enough
For I am not every person
And not everywhere
Not all of the time
I am human
I am grateful
But I am flawed
And that's where I've gone wrong

I can imagine
A river
The flow of the rapids
There is calm
There is chaos
But it never loses its shape
It is forever
Forever a river

I can imagine
Our love
The feel of the kisses
There is calm
There is chaos
But it never loses its shape
It is forever
Forever our love

Your day breaks,
Your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you
She wakes up,
She makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!
You want her,
You need her
And yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead
You think she needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!
You stay home,
She goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him
Your day breaks,
Your mind aches
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

With no hope
I'm gone
My humanity is lost
I can never return
I might as well be dead
For not a single person
Will know me as I was
Because I messed up
And there's not a shred of hope
And what used to be life
Has caused my death
Sadness and regret
Those are the last two feelings
I'll ever have
The love for one
Frozen at gunpoint

**** life
Its such a
Never ending
Circle of
Cliche stories
We love
We hate
We ****
We abstain
It doesn't matter
None of it
Not for me anyway
I might as well be dead
Believe me
I wish that i was dead
I can't do any
**** thing right...

You have no idea
How much I deserve all of this
I am a bad person
Good things happen to bad people,
But bad things happen too.
And so I finally get what I deserve
All my life, i have manipulated people
Toyed with their lives
Done whatever it took to get what I wanted
Whatever that was
And I was very good at it.
Along the way, while I was getting what I wanted
I lost sight of what was important
And now I have come full circle.
I jeopardized what I had for what I wanted
And now all I want...
Is what I already had.

I picked up some pieces
Broken pieces
I put them in a bag
Figured i'd wait until later
To put them together
And i went along
About my business
But at a certain point,
I realized that
For every piece i picked up
Five more appeared
In another place
This brings me to the
Conclusion that
I'll never finish
I'll be done when i die
And i will have accomplished
Nothing i set out for
All of my hearts desires
Will rest in the ground
Without content
It took me this long to see that
My efforts were wasted
And yet i still feel the need
To pick up more broken pieces
And each time i see
Other pieces being formed
Uniting on their own
Without my help
I see pieces of my own
Falling from my body
With shattering descent
Looking behind, i see no one
Picking up what i've left
Do i have to pick up those too?
I feel like a mess
And when it's all said and done,
When i'm dead,
My bag will weigh forty tons
A full bag of broken

I finally found someone
Willing to pick up my pieces
We helped each other
I picked up her pieces too
I showed her
Pointed my finger
"See? Those are mine"
She picked them up
And put them in her bag
She pointed her finger
"Those, and those, and those,
And those" she keeps pointing
"Those are mine, they're everywhere"
"I'm sorry, you don't have to
Pick them up, and really,
I don't know if you can"
I said "I can. Watch."
And i did.
I picked up almost all of her pieces
And put them in my bag
We weren't completing
Individual pictures
We were completing one
The pieces fit together
It was incredible
But i think my pieces
Were too heavy
One day, she decided
She didn't want to do that anymore
She took her bag,
And she gave it back to me
And then i almost ran over her
And now both of our pieces
Our collective pieces
That we had worked so hard
To find,
They were scattered again
And there are even more of them now
We'll never get them all picked up
Not apart
But she is satisfied
As long as she doesn't have
My pieces
I ruined everything
And now every time i look in my bag
I see pieces of hers
And i cry
I sob
And the tears are hot
And i'm cold
And the pain won't go away
For either of us
And now she's leaving
She's gone
And now we're both
Permanently
Infinitely
Forever
Broken