My wife ran off with the butcher again
So now i'm sleeping on a train
And i'm wearing blue
Because i'm feeling blue

I'm dreaming of a place
I cannot explain
So let me sleep on my train
So the world...
So the world goes by

If it all were to go
I would not complain
But let me sleep on my train
So the world...
So the world goes by

Yeah soon I will wake
To another pain
So let me sleep on my train
So the world...
So the world goes by

So the world...
So the world goes by

You
You make them here
My emotions
They appear
That
That's what I fear
The mixed emotions
The feelings that you hear
You hear the tears
You can hear the fear
My mind is gone
It's gone
It's gone
It's gone

We say
It's
All
So
Fun
But we must run
It's done
You
And
I
Are
Are love
Our love

Never
Get through to
The feeling
Inside you
It's ever
Conforming
As I
Get closer to
Everything
You are
You are
Leaving
And all
My memories are
Crowding my
Eyes
Eyes
Eyes

Our love

Hate it when I know
And I don't know
Same time

I am what I said
I meant what I said
But I don't know
What I just said

Hate it when I know
And I don't know
Same time

She told me once
And a thousand times
No
Not gonna happen
Never again
And every time
I thought differently
I never listened
Because I'm a man
And men get their way
She'll tell me again
A thousand more times
No
Not gonna happen
Never again
And every time
I'll think differently
I'll never listen
Because I'm a man
And men get their way

Despair

And then I looked up
And saw myself at 71
After 50 years of it
And looked down
And saw myself at 21
After a few months of it
And I don't know
And I may never
Which one did it
But I looked at myself
And just said the words
"Beckon Me"

At once, the world was
Filled with happiness
And light, luminating
Then slowly
But quickly, the world was
Drowned in sorrow
And darkness, sickening

Symbols
Lines, dots, and squares
No bother of thought
For how he fares

Rhythms
Strums, taps, and beats
The scorching sun
Without the heat

Signs
Stops, gos, and yields
Figure it out yourself
No one cares how you feel

Repetitions
Squares, taps, and stops
If they were any more fabled
I'd think they were Aesop's

Leisures
Rests, talks, and fun
Ends promising
Ends with "1:00"

Depressions
Complications, worries, and nothing
Did everything. Everything.
And got literally nothing

Monday-Saturday
Problems ranging
And the one good thing
Consistently ever-changing

And then I sleep
Because now I must

No risk
Full aversion
Sleep my life away
Because living it is harder
At least my dreams
Can make me somewhat happy
I get to see her
In some of them
And because I'll die
If I have to live with this ****

I know nothing more than you...

It's 9:30
Gotta count down my drawer
And I think of you
Put in the code
So the safe can be opened
In 9 or so minutes
And I think of you
Put the key in
"No sale," "giving change"
Take out the drawer
Go in the office
Ending till for ALEX OLD
And I think of you
$0.00 over/short
Perfect night
Just like perfect you
And I think of you
Open the safe, get the money
Change it out for higher bills
By the time i'm done,
It's closing time
Buy my things and she buys hers
Count down her drawer
And I think of you
Her drawer is $3.83 short
Wonder what went wrong
And how much I'll be blamed
Ignore the consequences
And I think of you
Count the change fund
So many ones
Forgot the change fund worksheet
Count it again
Then like every night
Something goes wrong
Pick up the pieces
Learn from the mistake
And I think of you
Count the deposit
$1426.22, plus a check
Which was $60.60
So $1486.82
Over and over again
$1486.82
And I think of you
She and I pick up my mess
Of cardboard
And get out
Set the alarm, close the door,
Put in the key, twist
"Clink"
Drop it under the mat
Walk to our cars
She tells me a story
About a boy riding a bike
And I think of you
Get into my car
And think of the 29th
And I think of you
And I text you
And despite my pessimism,
You text back
But you forgot about the 29th
And I'll doubt it means much to you anyway

But I'll celebrate regardless
And I'll think of you

I'd like not
To live the repetition
To decrease the aging
To slow the motion
Of this war that's waging
I ought not
To force the action
To make myself a fool
To descend to utter sadness
In the endless tears that pool
I fear not
To die or live again
To start all the way over
To make amends to actions passed
Because of how much i love her

They're the moon and the stars
Stars, stars
The moon and the stars
Stars, stars
The moon is yellow
And the sky is red
But their love never ends
As they stare at the sky
At the moon and the stars
Stars, stars

And there are waking moments
But I prefer those less
Whenever I tell her truths
Cross my fingers and confess
She shakes her head and
I can see her struggle
Feelings and emotions
And her trust to juggle
Then there are sleeping moments
And I prefer those more
When I imagine her only
And my heart is not sore
I talk to her and laugh with her
Love her, make love with her
So far away from everything
That made her will wither
But again there are waking moments
And I have to make a decision
Wait and try and dream,
Give up and make an incision,
Leave and agonize in misery,
Or create a new fire
With so much time,
It feels as if the present is dire

I want the future
To find me now
But what do I want?
Hello or meow?

In the morning
Waking up to terrible sunlight
All diffuse like skin abuse
The sun is half its size
When you talk,
You hardly even look in my eyes
In the morning, in the morning
In the doorway
Holding every letter that I wrote
In the driveway, pulling away
Putting on your coat
In the ocean
Washing off my name from your throat
In the morning, in the morning
In the ocean
Washing off my name from your throat
In the morning, in the morning
When the tide came in
The isles would never let you stay
In the nighttime, with the light on
Every light, all day
In the ocean,
Leaving me no time to obey
In the morning, in the morning
In the ocean
Washing off my name from your throat
In the morning, in the morning

You've made me so happy
Happier than i could ever ask for
You're the sweetest
In my eyes
I love everything about you
But you've confused me
You've confused me and,
Hurt me for the last time
I think
So when i'm gone
Far too soon
Before or after my time
Whichever you think
Because your opinion is the truth
I believe that to be so
And you wonder how to get by
How you can get past it all
Try to remember this:

I'll just be waiting here
Patiently
Waiting for you to join me
Then we can spend some more time together

When it rains,
It doesn't always storm
That's only one way to put it
But it's perfect
So yes, we're falling down
But don't give up yet, my love
Because we haven't hit the ground
I will catch you
And we'll hit it running
Just let go,
Close your eyes,
Trust me,
Please!
And don't fear
We'll be okay
I promise
You're in good arms
The only sure arms

Such a weird feeling
To be around you
I've never felt
So happy, and yet
So utterly sad
At the same time
I've never wanted
To **** myself
So much, while
I'm smiling, and laughing
And thinking about what could be
If i just don't give up
I have this outlandish idea
That you don't want me to give up
That i have to show you
Truly how far i'll go
I would tear down this planet
And build a new one
Just so you'd have a new place
To go to get away from me
Trust me, love
As much as your instinct tells you not to,
Let go, and trust me. Please

Talk to me
Come see me
Touch me
And flirt with me
Tell me no
But show me yes
Tell me never
But show me forever
Give me feelings
Revive me
Tell me tomorrow
Or friday
Maybe we'll stitch it up
Sometime soon someday
But i'll take what i can get
Because i just want
To spend the rest of my life
With you in some way

Talks over liquids
Intoxicating group
My awkwardness
Unheard of
Endless silent loop
On the other side
I think of 5 years ago
Top of red
Metal teeth
Happiness i'd never know
Finally, April
Future will see
Constantly
Harrowing
Sorrow for me

He would never talk
But he was not shy
She was a streetsmart girl
But she cannot lie
They were perfect for each other
You can say it now
Cause in your heart its love

My feelings
Are more
Important
Than yours

Drop dead
I don't care
I won't worry

If two lines
Are truly parallel
They'll never meet

The strongest words
Are the ones I want to use
The most
The strongest phrases
Like "I love you"
When that's not necessarily
What I really feel
Or when I say
"I hate this/that"
What does that even mean?
Really.
Do we ever stop and think
About what we're saying?
Nah,
We just go straight to the top shelf
The strongest words and phrases
"I love (insert name)"
"I hate this situation"
I might not love that person
I might not hate the situation
But when my awareness
Is at its highest
I can assess this objectively
Then i can find the truth
I do love her
I do, truly, hate this situation
But I can make it through
Waiting for a sign...

And yes, you're alone
You don't miss me
I know.

Pain is presence
Presence is pain
Pain presents itself
Presenting, itself, is pain
When you ache and groan,
I notice it
It chills me to the bone
Nowhere to sit
When you call out for help
I'm fully aware
You're the puddle when you melt
You wonder if you can relate to grass
As you feel people stepping on you
You feel them on your ***
To say something is taboo
You don't deserve that, you know
You've done nothing wrong
Inherently, although
The feeling is lifelong
I can never truly understand
What it's like to be you, and
You stick to solid ground,
But you're sinking in the sand
Being a woman is hard, man.

Eat.
Drink.
Breathe.
Figure this out.
Sleep.
Find happiness.
Find love.
Find pleasure.
Enjoy some anger.
Enjoy the little things.
Fix it.
You need her.
Fix this.
Stop.
Stop talking to that girl.
Stop!
Fix it again.
Try again.
**** yourself.
Try again.
Remind her how much you love her.
Don't talk to that girl again.
Seriously, don't.
Stop talking to her.
Forget about her.
Keep this a secret.
Tell the truth.
Tell her nothing.
Tell her everything.
**** yourself.
Thank her.
Consider yourself lucky.
Keep this going.
Don't let this happen again.
**** yourself.
Don't be sad.
Find happiness again.
Eat.
Drink.
Breathe.
**** yourself.
**** yourself, Alex.

I never felt
Like I was meant
For this world
Until you came along
I used to feel happy
When I thought of you
When I was around you
Now I feel undying sadness
Don't feel bad
It's my fault
You're innocent
I forgot that
I'll pay for my crimes
I'll wish you were around
I'll hate myself
But I will never forget
You always loved me
Even when you didn't want to
And I ****** up
So now I have to say...

Adios, my sweet, sweet girl

It was such a dumb thing
In a stressful time
I knew who I loved
And it was not her
Not the one I kept secret
I only ever really loved one
She asked me if I'd tell her
And I straight up lied
Because I knew
I would never tell her
Not until she already knew
Because how could I?
I'm not shameless
I'm not fearless
I'm helpless
I'm relentless
I'm brainless
Because had I not
Made that mistake
I could still be looking ahead
At the little children
Little ones that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the wedding
The Marriage that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the happy life
The life with her that I'll never have

Brooklyn Bela
Isa, Hella
Sometimes called
Abelias
A graceful girl
Lust angel
Ethereal

When the stars align
You will be mine
When the world turns thin
We'll be together again
When mountains are rivers
And volcanos shiver
And voices are seen
And the cut is clean
When chants are for me
And you care to see
And life is worth living
And taking is giving

When no longer
My actions prevent me
From truly showing
How much i love you
That is when this will mean
Much more than goodbye

Intro: trouble born
Chapter 1: Getting a grip
Chapter 2: Best friends and child love
Chapter 3: A stranger type of thing
Chapter 4: High School, dealing
Chapter 5: College and Ladies
Chapter 6: An aside, intermission
Chapter 7: Mausi........
Chapter 8: What comes next (in progress)

And so the chapter comes
To a sad close
The highest of highs
The lowest of lows
It wasn't bad
It wasn't lousy
But now I say
Goodbye to Mausi

Sometimes I
Go to Neptune
To sing a little song
Or hum a little tune
I don't know why i go there but i do
And I went to Mars
The other day
Wasn't much there
I have to say
But i was sure a long way away from you
If you want to check my movements,
Look into space
And there you'll see
That the outerspace mover is me

Service of a cut
Looking at your ****
Service of a burn
New songs learned
Torn and frayed
Memories made
All of a loss
Paths are crossed
Progress slowed
Checkers on the road

Unique we start
But I have no heart

Killing a dead man
Holding your hand
Constantly now nervous
Doing you a disservice
Throwing a fit
Still looking at it
Draw the line
Now you look at mine
Praying you're fine
Drinking the wine

Holding a knife
And I have no life

Making you remember
Good September
Continuously pivoting
Conversations riveting
Boundaries set
How we met
Want to run
Your fear of a gun
What I couldn't see
Your love for me

My heart thunders for you still
Though I have no will

Stabbed in the gut
Stuffed in an urn
Service of a cut
Service of a burn

And no wonder
I couldn't see it before
I just didn't realize
How much she loved me
If i lived again
From before when i broke
I like to think i could avoid
Making the same mistakes
But something i've been learning
Is that we'll always make those decisions
No matter how many do-overs we get
It's what keeps us from improving the past

If I scratched myself on the way down
If it bled throughout the night
If it kept me awake for weeks
Would it matter to those I want most?
If all of my hard work
Is now for nothing
And if I made the wrong decisions
Will my tears fill the gaps?
If every moment, I yearn for one
And every moment, silence echoes
If that makes me say things I'll soon regret
Is it my fate I feel changing?


It's the spirits I talk to
In the night
We're both crazy
But you were right
The world around us
Clings too tight
It's just the two of us
But we must fight

Darling, angel, lovely girl,
Let us not fight each other
We must fight those
Who dare to tear us apart

The world will deceive
And people will lie
It's you and I who are constant
When they will all die

Your eyes they have this glowing
You were more than I deserve
After all our shame and suffering
I turned my back to everything
Or anyone
And put you first
But are we really in love,
Completely in love?
Did mentioning make
Your skin start to crawl?
Started off living and broken
It unfolded like a dream
Dazzled by the very thought of it
Like the way dreams are
Supposed to be
If I'm not what's to come
I will sleep with it
I won't carry that on
And we will lose in the end
And we start the whole pattern over again
And over again
Are you truly in love,
Absolutely in love?
You're happy enough
Are you fully in love?
If I'm not,
No point in carrying on
Why spend half the time indifferent
And the other half alone
I will live with my regrets
Learn from accepting me
And be done with it
Start the whole thing
Start the whole thing over again

Staring all night
At the low hanging moon
Blind in the light
Despair so soon
Had the passion
But lost it then
Doling out the rations
Losing it all again
Pragmatic Pillow talk
At infinite distance
Reading in the chalk
A teacher's assistants
Quiet frustrations
Figuring out as we go
Certain illustrations
See you at work as you sew
Mouth is still
The fingers move
Words are my will
Anger shown to prove

Mistakes are made
Every single day
Those feelings fade
Where the needle lay

Tired, and weary
Afraid for death
Lights in the window
Kindred like us
In the waking night
Nothing like shadows
Gone in the wind

Stolen lives
Pillaging souls
Inside and out
Ruining a memory
In a lonely morning
To a faulty whisper
Singing a tune

Crown of leaves,
High in the window on a gold morning
Young today,
Old as a railroad tomorrow
Days are just
Drops in the river to be lost always
Only you,
Only you, you know

Years ago,
Birds of a feather would arrive nightly
Gone you know,
Held to another like clutched ivy
On the shore,
Speak to the ocean and receive silence
Only you,
Only you, you know

You hesitate, so my memory fades
I'll hold to the first one
"I wouldn't turn to another," you say
On the long night we've made

Let it go

Only you,
Only you, you know
Only you,
Only you, you know

You hesitate, so my memory fades
I'll hold to the first one
"I wouldn't turn to another," you say
On the long night we've made

Let it go
Let it go

Speak to me slow, my dear
No ghost, of course, in here
Pleased to be lonesome, quiet and clear
All is alone in here

If I know only one thing
It's that everything that I see
Of the world outside
Is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy
And I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to
Sing Helplessness Blues
Why should I wait for anyone else
And I know, I know
You will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday
Soon, myself

If I had an orchard
I'd work til I'm raw
If I had an orchard
I'd word til I'm sore
And you would wait tables
And soon run the store
Go there in the sunlight
My light in the dawn
If I had an orchard
I'd work til I'm sore
If I had an orchard
I'd work til I'm sore

Someday I'll be like the man on the screen...

Death is too kind
For a person like me

I will never forget
How they treated me
After I did everything
To show how much I care
I tried so hard
And I see zero effort
From them

At
               
                   Arms
                        ­              
                                         Length

I
    Will
              Hold
                         You
                                  There
  
            ...There

You might be able to live with this
But i can't
I want to kiss you
I want to taste your tongue
I want to look into your eyes
Seeing everything i did right
I want to fall into bed with you
And never get out
I want to hold hands
I want to talk about *** openly
I want you to tease me when you touch me
I want every day without you
To be a day with you
If i don't have that
I don't want to live
I want you, i want you so bad
It's driving me mad
It's driving me...

Oh death...
Why so sluggish?
If its going to be like this
Then i'm ready for you to take me
100 percent
So let's go

Someday
I'll have sweet release
But my pleasure will come from sparing them
Because she won't have to worry about me
Nor will the rest of them
And they'll all live happily ever after
Without me
I'll no longer annoy the **** out of them
Someday

Sometimes...
I want to **** myself
I want to discard my body
Make the world like i was never here
This would hurt people
But only for a little while
They'd move on
Because people do that
And the world
And all the people
Would be way better
Because i'm not there
Then people tell me that its selfish
To think such a thing
And so i feel selfish
I feel terrible
Because of that i think
Sometimes...
I want to **** myself
I want to discard my body
...

I showed i care
And i'm all alone
I killed my desires
And i'm all alone
I did what you said
And i'm all alone
I spent so much money...
...none of which you wanted
And i'm all alone
I made myself the bad guy
And i'm all alone
I cried in my car
And i'm all alone
I did everything i could...
...to make you happy
And i'm all alone
I halted communication
And i'm all alone
I committed to you
And i'm all alone
I'm sitting here in love...
...wishing you were here
And i'm all alone
All. Alone.

Nothing more pure
But disgust clouds me
Makes me a terrible person
Each time she looks at me
The second road would end
The first is right
But we can't find our way
Back home
We will
We will
But I forget to see that.

A bishop
A pawn
The Silver Saturn is there
Then it's gone

It arrives elegantly
Carries a mess inside
I get in, and we go
Fast as lightning
The Silver Saturn
Will leave
And return again
A hundred times or more
Every time bringing that mess
Expectations galore
It never disappoints,
But never meets
Tiny and dark
It carries a golden beauty
And i never know what to do
When i am inside
The Silver Saturn
It leaves me in despair
And arrives with more
The never-ending cycle
It's what i want, i'm sure
What i need is her
What i'd love is a pattern
Give me that Silver Saturn

You killed me
With your words
Your unspoken truth
I'm a memory
Because you ruined me
My mind got ****** up
Now i can't live without you
So if i can't live with you
This is the result
Broken
Shattered
Gone

(And blood fills the room
Dripping from his eyes
He heard her last words
"I just don't want to be with you"
And his heart couldn't take it
It ****** all the blood up
Every drop in his body
And held it in
And waited patiently
And burst like a water balloon
Now all the other people
Have to clean up this mess
And they'll give her daggers
And his spirit will live on
Regretting every decision he ever made
Wishing he was better
A fraction of what she wanted
A better person
Or better yet
A woman)

Polarized heights
Lookouts posted
Everlasting limits
And clueless eyes
Say to reach the end
Easy to say, that
Limits are stagnant
Of all that stays
Vigilance prevails,
Endurance survives
Might is lost
Even as the storm hits
And chaos ensues
Great wind, furious
Among the tall trees
In the dark forest
No one hears or sees a thing