it scares me that
he's gonna know all of me,
it terrifies me that
he's gonna know me from the inside out,
but for some reason,
I'm not scared to know all of him.

one minute I'm hot
the next I'm cold
what do I do
with my indecisiveness?
one minute I'm starving
the next I wanna throw up
what shall I do
with my indecisiveness?
one minute I'm okay
the next I'm not
how do I
**** my indecisiveness?

the pain that I feel
is unbearable
not the sickness pain
but the pain within
not one thing
but all things together
my heart hurts
my head hurts
everything hurts
all the time
it truly never stops
sometimes I forget it's there
but other times
it's the only thing I feel
and when it's
the only thing I feel
it makes me
not want to
exist anymore

in my world,
I am pretty
I am beautiful
I am confident
I am smart
I am successful
and I am a woman
but,
in his world,
I am ugly
I am hideous
I am an attention-seeking *****
I am stupid
I am unsuccessful
and, I am not a man

you act protective
you have a good heart
but that's not what I hear
coming out of your mouth
I hate the way you talk
I hate the way you think
I think I might even hate you,
just a little bit

One thought
and that was death
nothing seemed to
haunt my mind
except for death
how tired I am
how worn out I am
I'm scared to open
my eyes every day
and start breathing

my thoughts are so loud
they tune out
the sounds of birds
my eyes are so dark
they block
the shades of green
and how would I
tell my mother
that this all started
when I was sixteen
that my mind
is like a machine
it works
and it works
and it works
and never stops

one thought
and that was death
please listen to my thoughts
as I have no choice
but to listen to my own

you don't understand
how easy it was for me
to fall out of love
with life
and how could I pray
to the God
who gave me a life
I no longer want

one thought
and that was death
I'm just waiting
to take my last breath
and get this all over with

most of my days
I don't feel like living
but today,
standing with you
sitting with you
laughing with you
it made me want
to keep living
it made me
wanting more
wishing more
being more
than what I am