I'm intoxicated by your love, lips, touch
And can't get enough of you
I'm absolutely in love with you
I wish I could live in your arms
I wish you could've stayed longer
I look up; I see the stars shine so bright.
It reminds me of the sparkle in your eyes.
I only wish I could capture that light.

My love, you take my breath away
I wish we didn't need oxygen, so our lips never have to separate
Oh dear God, I'm high on your love.
I never want to be sober

Darling, you are my everything.
Without you I...
I'm simply nothing.
I'm absolutely nothing without you;
Without your love.

This is just a love poem.
Another pile of mush
That sets my heart free
And tells by buzzing mind to hush.

It's about you
And yet
I'll probably never show you
Because
It's just another mushy love poem
That doesn't matter all that much.

What's wrong with me?
I procrastinate
And I cant think straight
No I dont need help
I can do this myself
My body aches
Im always in pain
My bones are four times older than my age
Its hard to sleep
I toss and turn
My eyelids are heavy but my brain
Is wide awake
I try to blame my mattress
But it is my own skin
That I am not comfortable in
And people will never understand how hard it is for me to be awake
Im always on the edge
But not always a bridge
I wish
Im always upset and angry and I dont know why
I blame my hyper sensitivity
Im consistently overwhelmed
By the ship in my head
That holds me at its helm
Stormy seas
Its hard to breathe
Around people
Because the monsters that people are
Away, I will stay far
For the monsters I live among
Would rather watch me be hung
And I cant handle their eyes
Because within them holds lies
And they will always try
To convince I'm not
Good
Strong
Pretty
Perfect
Enough
I want to not care what they think
But all I do is overthink
Which makes me tired
But my brain wont let me sleep
Help me
My legs will shake when I sit
But I cant stand
Because my knobby knees
Will crash like thunder
And then give out
Or I will start to dance
Without a tune
Because I need to let go
Of my negative energy
And then find
That I've gotten into a bind
Because there is a mess in my mind
And I will start a million projects
That never come to a finish line
And I am at the end of mine

Trying.
To .
Breathe.

Can't.
Continue.

Room.
Darker.

Water.
I.
I need..
Water.

My..
My legs..
Are..
Giving out.

Heart.
Pounding.

Head.
Spinning.

I..
I need you.

Don't leave me!..

I..
Can't..
Do this..
Without you..

Stop walking away!
Please!
Anyone!
Help me!

I.
Can't..
...Breathe..

From her soft, fair skin
To her messy, curly hair.
Her soft, kind smile and
Her thin figure..
They all saw her as gentle beauty.
They don't know, do they?
They don't know that her scars don't come from her favorite rose bush.
They don't know how much she hates her "adorable" freckles.
They don't know that when she looks down at her body, she sees an elephant.
They don't know that she has never nor will she ever see herself as beautiful.
She doesn't understand what they see.
She doesn't understand what he sees.
You all have the story wrong.
She didn't fall in love with a beast.
The beasts were in her mind.

One must give a life
So that another may live.

Breakdown number…. 9? 10?
I had a breakdown today.
Math will never be a subject I am great...good…. at.
I was never meant to be an accountant. I’m an artist.
Whether it be a paintbrush, a camera,my voice,my body-in the way of dance.
I’m in artist in the imagination of a reader’s my mind.
I project vibrant colors though my script,my medium, is black and white.
The color drips,rains,floods,drains,pours over,overflows.
I’m an artist of many mediums.
Math is not an art.
It is torture.
It’s a killer.
A murderer.
A thief of time and energy.
It tries to drain and conform the wild and ever growing mind of a creator.
It is one of many reasons people use art to escape.
Math is a virus.
It sickens the mind.
Makes conformity the norm.
Normal is overrated.
Normal is for those who gave up on their dreams inspired by art
Because they were told to conform
And only be society’s norm.
It puts you in a box before your casket..
Since when are you supposed to live in a box?
That’s where the dead belong.
Don’t die inside when life is meant to be lived.
Live. Don’t just “survive”
Or you will miss out on your only life.

My room went askew
Several months ago
And today
I put on my music
Turned it up loud
And put it back together

But certain songs
Came along,
Pounded in my heart,
And for a moment I fell apart

Music too loud to hear my sobs,
Too loud to hear my screams,
Too loud to hear the crashing
Of things I threw.

But then I stopped.
I crashed to my knees.
My scarred,
bleeding knuckles
Fell to my lap.
I collected myself.
Reorganized.
Put it all back together.

Music too loud to hear my sobs,
Too loud to hear my laughter,
Too loud to hear the steps
Of my unchoreographed dance

But loud enough
To learn the mess
Was not in my surroundings.
The mess was always in my mind

My mind went askew
A long time ago
And today
I put on my music
Turned it up loud
And put it back together

Soon.
You keep saying it.
Soon.
Soon you'll have the money.
Soon you'll have the right part.
Soon your car will be fixed.
Soon you'll make plans to come see me.
Soon.
Baby, "soon" just seems to be
How we now measure eternity
Because "soon" is never soon enough
And it's driving me crazy.
I said I'd gladly wait
As long as it takes
But days and days
Keep melting away.
Soon seems to be forever.
Darling, I'd wait for you forever,
But my heart hurts
And it yearns for yours
So much that I want to scream
And break down every door.
This feeling of want
Is impossible to ignore.
I know you feel it too.

Waiting is torturing us.
But we can't give up.
We're too in love.
I'll never let go.
I'll wait as long as I have to.
I just have a hard time dealing
With this overwhelming feeling.
I need to get it out
But it's not something I can
Openly talk to you about.
I need to let go.
Not of you.
But I do.
I need to let go of me.
I'm a tortured mess.
And I need to let go
Of what's torturing my soul.
I crave your touch
In our long distance love.
I'M TRYING TO BE TOUGH
AND WAIT OUT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE
BUT SOON JUST ISN'T ******* SOON ENOUGH!!!

As I hold my mouth shut
Reading the words on my screen
I feel the warm tears
Caused by each letter's sting

My stomach curses me
Tied in knots
A lump in my throat
Sobs silenced by my hands

Quietly
My heart has shattered
My eyes,waterfalls
My body shaking

Again I read the words i refuse to accept
Im exhausted
3am

I hope this is all a nightmare
But I havent cried myself to sleep yet

In agonizing stab wounds the heart
In gut-wrenching reality
I feel nothing but pain
Unsure how to feel about you
As I wonder what went wrong
And why you refused to stay
When I needed you most.

I drag my feet soberly
Retire to my darkness
My back to the world outside
Complete disinterest
To the chaos happening 'round me

Music blaring
Their Anger
Fear
Love
Tears
Joy
Confusion
Hurt
Comforts me
Their intensity my calm
My lullabies

My coffee-colored curls unfurl
From the place they were restrained
Held tight and out of sight
And gently fall down my spine
Freed and once again wild

I wrap myself in your jacket
It smells of you
It eats me whole
It is a hug you gave me to wear
When you aren't there

My corpse gently settles on its shelf
Resting in the ridges from years of use
A sigh of rest
A sigh of relief
A heavy blanket stretches over
Crushes me softly
A last breath

As the day decays
I don't watch the beauty of its death
I lay in deafening silence
Hoping
Praying
The sun melts away
The hell the day gave me

My corpse buries itself
Gives its last
And turns to stardust
Until the light is reborn
And my pieces shall fall back together
And I am forced to exist
Until the day shall die again
And I
Again
Die

Are we meant to be
Or is that just what we believe?
Is it meant to be us in the end?
Overthinking.
**** it, not again.
Will this end badly?
Will our hearts get broken again,
Or is it going to end with me in a white dress?
Still overthinking.
**** it, not again.
I care too much.
Not about me, but about you.
I don't want to break your heart.
Not this time. Never again.
**** it, not again.
I'm sorry for my..
Everything.
I'm sorry.
I want to talk about it but
**** it, not again.

Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall

Crumbling world
Under my feet
Has me feeling so small

Heart is shattered
My clothes tattered
I give up,**** it all

●○●○●

Used to be a bright bloom
Now only gloom
Where joy use to freely roam

Flower
Now slowly wilting
Misses the days of old

Days are so dark
Unrelenting
No longer she
Brave and bright and bold

○●○●○

Love was she
And she made people crazy

Their hearts unfurled
Their head afloat
Happiest beings in the world

Together two planted the seed
Thus she would soon begin to grow
She could be immortal
But how so
Honestly not many know

○○○○○

The girl who was always left.
Left out.
Left behind.
Left feeling unwanted.

She had so much love to give,
But was it too much
Or was it not good enough?

•••••
Alone.
Alone in her room she sat
A bottle in her hand
Staring at her collection

"Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall..."

"I can't imagine a life without you",
She told him.
Well, the unimaginable happened.
He left her.
She wept,
A rain so heavy for so long,
The dryest desert
Would turn to an ocean.
Long and hard, she wept for him.
She wept because she loved him.
She wept because she didn't want him to leave.
She wept because she wasn't enough.
She wept because
No matter what happened,
She could never hate him.
She loved  him
With every fiber of her being
And thought he did too.
•••
Though her heart continued to beat,
This was the day she died.

The bright sparkle that once
Lit up her eyes,
Shining from deep within her heart,
Darker than the blackest black
That day that her heart did crack.

The hope she once carried,
Turned into the heavy burden
Of knowing she would never
Love or be happy
Again.

Her heart,once so full of love,
Became the most empty
Yet most heavy
And weighed her down.
She wished
It no longer served its purpose,
For she did not want to feel again,
Nor did she want to live
Just to spend another day hurting.

Her genuine smile,
One that lit up a room,
Lighting up people within,
Had long gone,never to be seen again.
She merely faked it
So no one could see the truth.

Her laugh,
Contagious,it filled up a room.
Anyone who heard
Simply smiled and joined in.
Her laugh no longer spread joy,
She had none to give,
None to let out,
For her joy had left.

She still walked the earth,
But she wasn't quite alive.
○○○○○
Along came a boy who claimed to love her.
A friend that wanted to give her
Love
Joy
Peace
And the entire world..
He wanted to cherish her.
He wanted to heal her.

He had known no purer love
Than that from her heart..
He feared she was his last chance
At finding true love.

She had a big heart, but
It had been shattered
Left empty
Ripped out of her chest.
She was numb.
He wanted to make her feel again.

He kept persuing her
Over and over
She pushed him away
Again and again.
He was far too stubborn to stop..

But she didnt want love
Because love only leads to pain
And she wasnt ready to be hurt again
Though he promised he wouldnt.

She had nothing left to give,
Not even a smile.
Why did he want her so much?

He desperately longed for her;
Wanted to stand next to her
When the preacher read
"Until death do us part"

But Victor,
You cant have a corpse bride..

Once again
You have hurt me

Crying
Shaking
Overheating
Nauseous
Losing control

because you
found someone new
and you blind-sided me,
didnt you?!

how could you not know
why I was angry
why i pushed you away
why we arent talking right now

how could you not know
im still in love with you

isnt it obvious?
i still love you

but you,
unlike me,
have moved on

its been over a year but
i still cant seem to
let
you
go

but now
i will let everything go
become someone you dont know

i now revert to
who i was before you

once again
i
go
numb

I wish it was only hours away,
But sometimes
Hours feel longer than days.
The days often feel like years
And I miss you so much that there are tears.
Time drags on and lingers
And as it does, you stay just out of reach,
At the tip of my fingers.

I am yours and you are mine.
You give me a feeling above Cloud 9

Unfortunately, we can't physically be together,
It will all be fine.
Just patience and hope will get us through,
My love,
Don't be afraid for I will always want you.
No one can claim me.
No can take me.
No one can touch me.
No one but you.
For me, it will always be you.

As I long for your touch
And the sound of your voice,
I reminisce on all of our memories.
The times we laughed,
The times we cried.
The times we became vulnerable
and threw away our shred of pride.
When we would open up
And tell our own little truths.
We'd share insecurities,
Thoughts,
Rants,
Theories,
Jokes.
We still do and
We've become so close.
We keeping getting closer
And yet, for us there is is such a
Far distance between

What is a gift?
Surprize.

What is a gift without a box?
Without its fancy paper?
Without a bow or ribbon?
Without a card?
Simply an object
Sitting in place
Collecting dust
Lacking importance.

What is a gift?
A talent.
A passion.
A calling.
Potential.

What is a gift
If others do not experience it?
A waste of talent?
A hobby?
A secret?
A hidden piece of you.

Why is it a gift
Only if
You give it to others?

Is talent only a gift
When deamed worthy by others?

Whats in a gift?
Always a surprize.

They say history repeats itself.
I thought that meant there were a few generations in between.
Apparently not.

"If you love it, set it free.
If it comes back, it was meant to be"

Are you that stupid?
Maybe you were just hit too hard by cupid.
I am a bear trap.
Your foot was caught.
You were set free,
Then you came back to me.

What idiot sticks their foot back in a
Beartrap?
What idiot falls in love with someone like me?

Is it just going to continue?
The same cycle repeats
Like scratched CD.
It all crashes down
and I'm stuck beneath.

Lost, confused.
All I can think of is you.
Because of you, it's an endless spiral.
Our ship-name has gone viral.

Red Rover, Red Rover
it happens over and over.
Don't think it'll ever end.
So here we go again.

I don't want what he loved about me to show,but unfortunately he loved everything about me

I saw your jacket today.
I never forgot about it,
Never put it away
But when I disappeared for a month
I didn't take it.
I wanted to...but didn't.
I didnt want the torn sleeves
To completely fall apart
Like I did
When you broke my heart...
•••
I didn't just see your jacket.
It's hanging by the hood on my bedpost.
It's always there, but I often disregard..
But when I leaned down,
I braced myself on my bedpost.
I look up
And I realize the soft hood
Rests under my hand.
Made me think of
How much you always supported me
•••
I saw your jacket today
And honestly, I froze.
I couldn't move,
My body, cold.
The only movement,
The tear down my cheek.
And because you arent here
To wipe them away like you used to
I wiped them away
With your tattered sleeve.
•••
I didn't take your jacket.
I took my friend's sweater.
You know,
The ex you were always suspicious of?
I took his sweater.
Why?
It was warm
And it was a piece of my hometown.
Somehow you knew he still loved me.
I knew, but I didn't care.
Even with the love I gave
Your jealousy still tore you away..
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I held it close.
I felt every soft fiber.
It was your favorite
black
Champion
jacket.
But you gave it to me
Because back then
I mattered more
But the more I wore it,
It tattered more..
But that didnt matter.

You gave it to me
wrapped around
your favorite stuffed penguin.
The one I still can't sleep without.
The one soaked in my tears.
It was once your treasure,
but you once treasured me more.
And I trying to fix the jacket
That was once wrapped around it
But the more i do,
The more it falls apart
And maybe the same is true with your heart.
Maybe I'm the one at fault.
No.
Youre the one that hurt me.
•••
It was you.
It was you,
But no matter what you do
I will always love you.
True
Unconditional
Unending
Love
Does not end because of one instance
Or even several.
I will always love you.
And when it comes to you
Loving me
I know its not true.
Because if it were
you wouldnt have left me.
You wouldnt be trying to forget me.
You wouldnt be getting high
Every night
To try and find
That feeling I gave you
When you looked in my eyes.
I know because i felt it too.
Two years of butterflies.
Dizziness.
The feeling of fireworks
When our skin touched.
The raw and untamed passion.
The purest love.
All these things that made us both
Feel so alive..
That you left behind
Like an emotional suicide.
And you choose drugs
Instead of admitting you were wrong.
You try to resurrect the joy
That you only ever felt with me
Convincing yourself
You dont need me
But we need each other.
We need each other
Because one without the other
Is in a deep
Dark
Miserable
Place
That they cant escape
While the other is writing poetry
Pretending she is okay
To not have you in her life
From day to day
The days get harder and harder
Because the one she needs
Claims he doesnt want her.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I folded it up and put it away
In a safe place
Taking up a small bit of my closet space.
Wearing that jacket
Was like wearing your hug
But after all you've done
I don't want you to touch me.

And if one day
You decide you actually want me..
You clean yourself up,
Figure life out,
Get back on your feet
And decide what's missing is me..
If you truly want me
You better get on your knees
And cry at my feet
Because "sorry"
Isnt enough
For what you've done.
Because when you loved me
You showed me
I was nothing less than a queen
But dethroned me
Making me feel
Worthless
Ashamed
Ugly
But I realized
Im still a queen
Without you.
Show a girl her worth,
She'll never forget
No matter how much you may
"Regret"
•••
I do still love you...
No.
I still love who you once were
But I dont recognize you now.

But even if you were to become
The man I once loved
I would just turn you away
No matter what you may say
Because its me you betrayed
When you promised you would stay.

My heart has never been
A toy with which you should play.
And I honestly regret the day
I gave it to you and let you open it
Because I knew better
Than to fall in love.
I knew better and its not fair.
Its not fair
That I melted
When you would play with my hair
As you touched my skin..
When you would grab my sides and
Pull me in
And trick me into the
Best two years of my life.
Tricking me into thinking
I would one day be your wife.

But i wouldnt trade it for the world.
If i could go back, I'd do it again.
Just make sure it didnt end
Because I knew from the start
I never wanted to love again..
If it wasnt you.

So *******
For making me
Fall in love with you.

It was the best thing
That ever happened to me.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
And it still matters to me..
But I'm never wearing it again.

Forever and Always
It will sit
In the back of my closet.

You say that you've moved on
But our's is still your favorite song.
I can see your eyes light up when you hear my name.
You smile at everything I say.

Looks like yet again I've messed up.
Another sap has fallen deeply in love.
Don't act like you don't flirt.
Don't act like you're not looking down my shirt.

First, your jacket, then your hat, then your ring.
The way you show your affection makes my heart sting.
You know we're not together anymore
But I'm still the only girl you refuse to ignore.

******! I've really messed up!
All fun and games 'til someone falls in love.
Well ****.
Sweetie, looks like we've both lost!

I'm sorry we fell so hard in love.
To your parents, I guess I just wasn't enough.
Sorry your heart got broken.
This was a dream and we didn't want to be awoken.

I remember and feel a lot of dread
Because it was all my fault.
You never wanted to take the back things you said at all.

You said: " I look at you and I'm in love"
You thought we were soulmates; a match made from above
You said: "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
You never made it easy.

I can see your love still burns hot
It'd be a lie to say that mine does not.
I'm sorry it ended up this way.
I'm sorry I don't have much to say.

You gave me your heart.
I feel bad because it fell apart.
We'll both never be the same.
I feel like I'm the one to blame.

Why?
Why do you love me?
Why me?
Why do you want to hurt yourself like that?
With all my broken pieces
All my inner demons
You're better off running East
For who could ever love my beasts

I can't wait to see you again.
For us to hold each other tight.
For everything to be perfect,
Even if it's just for one night.

I've made all the arrangements.
Everything is set.
Everything is ready
For our best night yet.

Dark room.
Colorful lights.
Loud music.
Sweaty teens.
All wearing something expensive
That they will only wear once.
A night they'll remember
Until prom the same year.
But all that matters
Is you and I, my dear.

As the speakers blare
And the sound and lights dance around us
Despite the crowd,
There is only us.

When we are lost
We look within ourselves
Not realizing
It is precisely ourselves
That we must find

It may become especially hard
To find who we might be
When we dont know
Who we are or want to be

We become forever entangled
In this labyrinth of the mind
Searching for answers
Finding ourselves
That we often look elsewhere

Elsewhere may often be the danger
For we look in the wrong places.
We do not find ourselves
Among stems
Among bottles
Among the smoke
For we must set a fire
In our hearts, not our lungs

We especially do not find
Whom we are meant to be
Within another
They may have found you
But you are now lost together,lovers
Often, one more lost than the other

No one will ever
Take your journey
For you,
Although paths may cross,
So you must venture out
Making your own path
So you may once again
Find you.

I don't understand.
The once sturdy ground has turned to sand.
My feet sink in
And so do your words.

I don't understand.
Don't you still love me?
Do I no longer make you happy?
What's wrong with me?
Am I not enough?

I don't understand.
I know life is rough.
I know you feel lost.
But please don't push me away.

I don't understand.
Why do I have to keep convincing you to stay?
Several times you've tried to leave,
And then turn around and tell me you love me.

I haven't stopped thinking
And dreaming about you.
I've never stopped loving you
And wanting you.
I crave you.
You drive me crazy,
But normal has never been my thing.
You are all I
Need
want
Love
crave
I need you
I want you
I love you
I crave you
Dear God!
More than ever.
Call me obsessed,
But darling,
it's true.
It will always be true.
And you'll never understand
Just how much I love you.

When did life get so out of control?
I sleep for four hours if I'm lucky.
I have to pretend I'm happy.
My brain tells me death would be less sucky.

I'm always fidgeting and shaking.
Every breath is a mistake.
My reality just keeps breaking!
and it's not just my life at stake.

School.
We used to have field trips on the last day...
Now we keep trying to cry the stress away.
To get out of this prison; this nightmare
Please hear this student's prayer.
We all hunger for that day in May or June
But the freedom comes and goes too soon.
It leaves, leaves fall.
What did we do to deserve this at all?

I can't balance it all.
Grades
Homework
Social Life
Sleep
Eating three meals
Faking a smile through it all.
It's not fair..
I want to wake up from this nightmare.

But, once I do I have to become part of the
Destruction that I had nothing to do with.
I have to clean it up.
No supplies, no instructions.

But right now...
Right now there's a boy is in love with me but
He can't shout it to the world.
Not yet.
He's always conflicted and angered.
He looks at me and it disappears
His pupils take up what should be his iris.
His awkward smile reaches from ear to ear.
And I'm in love with him too.
More than he loves me.
Though I'll be glad to be free,
I won't see him for a month.
Two months.
Three?

My best friend doesn't love the situation.
She doesn't like us; him and me.
I understand.
Especially since I've been an ******* these past two weeks.
Ignored, abandoned..
Never forgotten.
I got caught up in his clingy, protective love.
I know sorry just wasn't enough, but I am.
I'm sorry.
ugh!
I may only be 15 but I know that
I'm deeply in love and
my future was ruined by the past generation.

Shut.
Up.
Stop complaining.
So what if something didn't go right.
So what.
You can just shut up.

I'm a pessimistic optimist.
Look at the bright side.
At least you can see,
Talk to
Hold
Your Valentine.

Go shove
Your overrated love
Deep
Down
Your
Throat.

Choke
On
Your
Paper hearts
Overpriced candy
Flower arrangements
And wasted money.

It's just another
Greeting card holiday.

**** it, Hallmark!

Some people don't get to see their love
Some people have lost their love
Some people are alone
And some people just hate this
Stupid, unnecessary holiday
You.
Can.
Just.
****.
It.

Just **** it.
Because
If you really love someone,
You tell them
Show them
Treat them right
EVERY.
****.
*******.
DAY.
NOT JUST WHEN SOCIETY
******* TELLS YOU TO!

It's not love
If you have to be reminded.

Don't be afraid to express love.
So what if you care about someone
Other than yourself.
It's a change from some people.

•••••

Sorry.
Craving physical love
Such as the simplest touch
....
It drives you insane.

So go on.
Pay no attention
To this free verse
Rant of mine.
I just wish to hold
My intangible valentine.

I wish feelings didn't exist
But they do
And they persist to ruin my life.
All this strife.
Just because three guys
Imagine me as their future wife.

How did I get here?
Keep reading if you want to hear
But please, no fangirl tears.

It starts in my early years.
I met him.
He was my best friend.
He was my first crush.
I was his.
I left for another school.
We hadn't seen each other since.

Middle school.
I met a boy my first year there.
It was infatuation upon first greeting

The second year I finally took up conversation with him.
I fell harder into my feelings.

The next year,
He was mine.
And I was his.
If only it stayed like this.
First love.
First kiss.
Our love was pure bliss.
It's what I will always miss.
And it was my fault.
I ruined it.
I can't do anything about it.

Summer camp.
A friend.
Later a close friend.
Now, super close.
Very close friends.
We know each other inside and out.
We're always there for each other.
Always.
Things went farther.

Everything caught up.
My kindergarten friend goes to my school.
My middle school boyfriend is friends with him.
Apparently, they're cousins.
My ex/ guy friend still likes me.
My kindergarten friend likes me.
My kindergarten friend took me to homecoming.
Later, the boys fight.
I don't understand why girls want to be fought over.
It was awful.
Later, my camp friend and I confess our feelings.
So.. things happened.
I couldn't be happier,
But long distance *****.

Why is that we become hypnotized
By those with the brightest of blue eyes?
Surprise, Surprise!
All that comes out are lies!
Lies!
Hurting those with innocent hearts.
Hurting those who are torn apart.
Hurt.
That's all they seem to cause.
No matter their intentions,
Those with
Green
Blue
Brown
Eyes
Will continue to cry
From the
Deep
Dark
Lies
That come
From
Deep
Blue
Eyes.

It was only sixth grade.
We met when you dropped your papers.
Our hands touched, our eyes met.
******* over ever since.

It was only eighth grade.
You finally were brave enough to ask me out.
First love, First kiss
We fell in love.
Torn apart by force.
We both walked away with tears in our eyes.
We tried one more time.
Then you pushed me away.
You said you "lost feelings".
You lied.
You lied and you know it.
You lied and it hurt both of us.
I could feel it.
I could see it in your eyes.
I could hear it in your voice.
You lied.
As I hugged you one last time,
I could feel the heaviness in your heart.
I could feel the tear that escaped past your cheek.
As I walked away, I saw you.
I saw you wipe your eyes.
You lied.
I don't know why but you did,
Liar.

*** ***
Two beats, then four.
My heart is pounding more and more
As you walk through the door and
My stomach falls through the floor.
*** ***
Four beats, eight
Soon it will be too late
For there's red on my skin
And only ice on my plate.
The sight of my bones and people again see what they ate.
Nothing will help at this rate.
*** ***
My bones are brittle.
I'm eating very little.
Of it all, I'm stuck in the middle.
Suddenly I feel so little,
Like the body fat in my middle.
This was never for approval.
Just me wanting a self-removal.
To just press delete
Would be easy, bittersweet.
The end is just what I want to meet.
*** ***.
My heart continues to beat.
I want it to stop.
Why?
Take a seat.
It all started when I was very small.
I was quiet, shy, and hardly spoke at all.
Even then I could feel it.
I knew I was different,
But didn't know why.
Couldn't ask because I was too shy.
Couldn't tell me this was fake at all.
I could feel the sadness in my stomach like a ball
That was 5 foot tall.
*** ***
Since then, it kept going on.
I had to stay strong
For far too long.
I can't take it anymore so I rip my heart out and throw it on the floor
Out the door
To you because I feel like you could use it more
Than I

She wore his Champion sweater.
She wore the necklace,
Her anniversary gift.
She held close the stuffed penguin
He had since he was a child.
Next to her head,
The book he got her for her birthday.
On her feet were the slipper socks
He sent to keep her warm last winter.
Even from a distance,
He took such great care of her.
He loves her so much.
And she loves him too.
And she wishes she could do the same.

She has every reason to be happy..
But alone
She lays on her bed
In tears
A hollow shell of who she once was.
Faking a smile for him.
Surviving for him.
Struggling through each day for him.
Eating only for him.

She's no longer in a dark place,
As she once was.
But...

I look beyond the horizon of his cheekbones.
I wade through the ocean in his irises.
His hair is sunshine above the sea.
His smile the treasures beneath.
He is a deserted island.
A rare sight; one of its kind.
Alone and shy.
This island.
Know it better than the back
Of my hand.
From the bright sand to its deepest secrets.
Blue is now my favorite color.
The beach is my favorite place.
I only like freckles when they're
On his face
I cry when the blue leaks on to the sand
I cry when the sand turns red.
I cry when he hurts.
When all is happy
And turns to a brighter hue
I love to just stare and become
Lost in blue.

No.
Stop.
Stop it.
Stop it,okay?!
I'm not doing this again.
Alice will never again
venture down the rabbit hole.

And why should she?!
The rabbit is always out of reach.
The rabbit never sticks around for her.
She chases him
With a heart full of hope
And legs that can only carry her so fast..

But now
She is too tired to keep going.
Her hope has left her behind,
Turned its back on her,
Just as everyone else has.

Dont you dare
Taunt her with a new adventure
Dont you dare
Lure her in with promises of it being
"Different"
"A new path"
"Uncharted territory"
Because that will never be true.

The Weeping Willow stands
On Heartbreak Hill,
Watered only by its visitor's tears..
And Alice refuses
To keep watering a dead plant
She once hoped would live.

The hope of it living
Made her pain seem worth it

But now..
Alice has grown the **** up.

Hey.
Remember when we used to take out the old blue truck just because we could?
Remember when I'd wait patiently for you to come home from work with a tea party set up?
Remember when I would sleep in your bed just to be near you?
Remember when we would get on your motorcycle and take off with no destination?
Remember when we would wake up early to play in the snow and have hot chocolate afterward?
Remember when we both would get up early just to burn yard scraps?
Or our many trips to California?
All of our father-daughter moments?
I think about them a lot.
There's so much we didn't get to do together.
No father-daughter dance.
You didn't get to buy me my first car.
We didn't go on many of the trips you had planned.
You wanted to dance with me at my sweet sixteen.
You can't glare at my future prom date and give him the third degree.
You can't give me away at my wedding.
You'll never be a grandpa.
And you'll never know how much I miss you, Daddy.
It hurts my heart that you're gone, but it would hurt more if you were still suffering..

She hurt me again.
It was a dumb little fight.
With my dumb little sister.

She got in between.
She got really mean.
Like an animal
She took out her claws
And bared her teeth.

She started to yell.
She's not all there.
I could tell
As her angry dead eyes
Started to flare.
A flame you could hear
In the crack of her voice.

I was upset.
I was being passive-aggressive.
I told her she wasn't fair.
She spits in my face.
Then she got aggressive.

Sharp pain.
The left side of my head.
Ear started to ring.
Wanted to be dead.
Wanted to disappear.
My brain felt like it was vibrating
From getting hit in the ear.

Down to the ground.
Fetal position.
A thing I practiced
More than other children
I knew they were yelling
But not what they were saying
Mine was pounding.

Could finally hear.
Obey to stay safe.
I try to get up.
Attacked again.

Pulling at my shirt
My hair
Claws digging in.
She wanted to hurt me.
I forgot she was human.
I forgot everything
And tried to escape.

Finally got away
Someone stood in.
She barked in their face.
They went down the hall.

I wanted to hide.
I was afraid to move.
I ran.
I ran to the backyard.
I found my sister crying.
Curled in a ball.

I took off my sweater for her
In it, she hid.
I twisted my limbs around her
This will traumatize her
When she grows out of being a kid.

Later we were found.
Pulled back into the monster's house.
"**** it up and go to bed"
Without another peep
We silently cried ourselves to sleep.

My eyes burn.
I'm weak.
I'm sore

Mom
Why don't you love us anymore?

Scabbed scalp
Broken glasses
Scratches
Bruises
And missing hair patches

You yelled
Screamed
Blamed me
For what was not my fault
Why wouldn't you listen?

Why instead did you
Slap me
Rip out my hair
Demonize me
Hurt me

You wouldn't let go so I
Scratched
Bit
Dug in my nails
Drew blood
Anything to get away
From you

Thank God your sister stepped in.
Thank God she saved me from you.
Thank God she put you in your place.
Thank God.
But then?
You said you wanted to apologize
But that isnt what I saw
Or maybe I was blinded
By your big glowing gaslight..

Its one thing to demonize,
To make me the monster

Its one thing to scream in my face

Its one thing to tear me down with your words

And its one thing to physically hurt me

But its a whole other thing to tell me
That you hurting me
In all those ways
Was my fault
Instead of taking responsibility
Like a ******* adult

Making your ADULT child
Absolutely TERRIFIED
To be near you?

That's your fault.

So don't give me those big sad eyes
When I tell you "don't touch me"
Or I refuse a hug

This is your fault.

So now
I'm keeping my distance
Until I recover
From what YOU did.

The dried blood on my head
The missing hair
The migraine

The eyes that hurt from crying
The voice that hurts from trying
To get you to understand
That you've punished me enough
And not just with your hands
And that what happened
Was not my fault.

..when I woke up from nightmares
Of my abusers years before
You comforted me and said
"You're safe, theyre not here anymore"
I think about it now and then
Only to realize you're wrong
You're just like them.

They say that
When a symbol of love breaks,
The love no longer exists..

So today..
When the pendant fell
From its third new chain;
When your heart fell to the ground..
I thought
" you really dont love me"

And for so long..
I convinced myself
"I dont love you..
And I've met someone new.."
But

When I broke his necklace
To fix yours..
I then knew...
I always have
And always will
Love you
..even if you no longer love me too

But a part of me wishes you still do..

You say you love me
You say you want me
You say "It'll be different"
"It won't happen again"
"Let's prove them wrong"
Its a never ending cycle,dear.

I knew it.
I knew it would happen again.
Deep down in my heart
I just knew.
So the more I let you in
The closer we got..
The more I let myself love..
It happened again.

They are protecting you from me
Because they see it too;
What I have always known.

I may be your "dream girl"
But never..
Was I ever meant
To be your soulmate
Because you deserve so much better
Than I could ever be

Again,with love,
I set you free

Like a gunshot in the temple.
I wish.

A spike
It's like a large spike
Ripping through my brain tissue.
It slowly twists farther.
And farther.
And farther.
Unending excruciating pain.
As it twists
More spikes sprout and stretch.
They stretch farther and farther
As the spike continues to drill
In my head.
It goes on for hours.

My vision slowly begins to blur
And darken.
My body begins to shake.
My bones creak.
My legs give out.
My eyes close.
I don't remember anything else...

May it be known,
You whom giveth his all,

That this heart you seek
Does not seek yours

That the love you give
Is not given back

That the hope you hold
Will only hurt you

That the effort you put in
Has done nothing but wear you thin.

The heart you love
Still has lingering hope for another

The heart you cherish
No longer cherishes yours

The princess you seek
Does not wish to be courted
Or sit on your finest throne
As your queen

The love you deserve
Can not be found in her


So venture out and seek anew
So you may find the one right for you

Images racing.
Thoughts ringing in my skull.
Head pounding with voices that refuse to leave.
My eyelids try to close, but they're ripped back open.
I can't sleep!
I wish this was all just a dream.
I wish I could wake up.
The thoughts and voices they terrify me.
They keep me awake.
They say things.
Things like
"Either many restless nights or one eternal sleep"...
And I've never been so tired.
Bullet-sized sleeping pills.
That's all I see.
Someone save me.
Please.
I don't think I can take it anymore.

I'm too tired to sleep.
My eyes want to close.
I'm wide awake.
There's not much more that I can take.
I don't talk about it for everyone else's sake,
But it consumes me like a large snake.
I wish it was fake.

It makes me push people away.
Many times they don't fight to stay.
The voices in my mind, they made me this way.

Eventually, I become exhausted.
I become worn out by all of the
Buzzing in my head,
Finally, I fall into a deep sleep.

The sun rises.
I have to drag myself from the sheets and
Blankets that held me, prisoner.
I fake a smile and
Go through the motions.
The vicious cycle always repeats.
It never ends.

We shed a tear as we say goodbye
To a cathedral that once touched the sky.
I dont know how it started or why,
But somehow
Its highest peak now points to the ground.
Ash,what once was glass and wood.
Eight hundred years it proudly stood.
It now bows to the heavens above
Because it was shown less than love
The gothic cathedral has gone to ruin
Almost burnt down to its frame,
It can be rebuilt,but never the same..
•••••
..Because when you break something down..
When you break someone down...
They will never be the same again.
They wont have the same...anything.
○○○
They wont be as outgoing as they once were.
They will hide their smile..if it ever comes.
The light in their eyes grows dark.
They...they are forever changed..
And not for the better..
○○○○○
Once they're gone,they're gone..
Sure,they can change for the better
As a building can be rebuilt,
But they will never be themselves again.
They will never be who they once were.
They will forever be emptied of the life that was once there..
And that's why life just isnt fair..

You want me to
Tell you,
Show you,
Explain to you
What is wrong with me,
What goes on in my head,
My past.
You want to understand
You want to help
You want to know the real me
Who I am..

The problem is..
I don't know either.
When you mentally suffer
Since birth,
You don't know the real you
Because you don't invent yourself.
You are too busy
Spending your life convincing
Everyone
That
"I'm fine"
"I'm okay"
...
but that's only the beginning
...
" Yes, I ate today"
(I think)
"It's a cat scratch"
(There's more on my hips)
"I don't know where the bottle is"
(under my bed, empty)
"Yeah, I slept fine"
(if you call 3 hours 'fine')

Lies I'll tell to everyone..
But you, love,
Are not "everyone", but
"Everything".
You are everything to me
And yet..
I can't tell you everything.
Not yet.
I will
When the time is right
I will
Tell you,
Show you,
Explain to you
What is wrong with me,
What goes on in my head,
My past.
So you can
Understand
Help
Know the real me.
And who I am.
But..
Until then...
Can you
Stay with me
Love me
Be patient with me
?

Why must you treat me like I'm yours?
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your sweetheart.
Might not ever be,
The way you treat me.

Why must you treat me
Like I belong to you?
I'm not your pet.
I'm not your puppet.

I do what I want.
I change when I want.
I live and grow how I want.

I am not yours to control.
Grow up.

As the day turns to dusk
And the mountains let out a heavy sigh,
I look out and wonder
If it will freeze again tonight.

As I look out to the small town
So engrained in my mind,
I wonder if the snow that blankets
Will get thicker tonight.

The star starts to slowly melt it away,
But the cold of the night will stray
And there will still be snow by the break of day

The chill swirls around my body,
Brushes through my hair,
And nibbles at my ears.
It picks up a few stray strands
As it carries on its way
To float past the frosted plants along the path.

As I walk through a world turned white,
I sometimes have to look away,
As the sun's reflection impairs my sight
From the bright expanse of field below me.
As my feet gently crunch in the wintery bliss,
The breeze will stroke my hair and leave with a kiss
Knowing that it will be missed
As the sun pushes it away
So that the sun may have a turn
To kiss my skin
And brighten the darkness within.

Heart of stone.
Living
Within the corpse of a tree,
I mark my path.
One that can be
Removed.
Can completely vanish.
Can be
Rearranged.
I do what many can't;
I can change the past.
I can create
An alternate reality.
Words.
Pictures.
A humble creator.
-
But they use me.
They hurt me.
They break me.
They take me within their grasp,
Taking advantage of me;
My power of creation.
Using every bit of me they can..
-
Together, we write history
We rewrite it.
We change it.
We create a new future.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Beliefs.
I make it happen.
I store the memories
Of ones having come true.
I create.
But I keep memories
Tragedies.
Fantasies.
Rhythmic word.
All me.
-
But there is another.
One who is used,
Gifted with more control.
And over me,
They have picked this entity
And have put me down.
No longer needed.
No longer in use.
It is then I realized
I missed the abuse.

My darling
I'm sorry

I love you
I hate you
I need you
I fear you

You make me happy
You scare the **** out of me
I need you
Leave me alone
You saved me
Let me die

I can't stand you
But
I can't stand without you

Don't leave
Go away
You comfort me
Don't touch me
Stay
Get out of here

I'M BROKEN
YOU TRY TO FIX ME

LEAVE ME IN PAIN
IN PIECES
LIKE I'M MEANT TO BE

I don't deserve your
Warm
Loving
Caring
Heart.
I don't deserve love.

I deserve pain
Hurt
Suffering
Anger
Sadness.

Just..
Go away

I've never had what you give.
I'm afraid to accept it
because despite your promises, you might leave too.
I understand if you do.
...
But
Why stay?

I walk down the street.
I see the sun through the trees,
As the beams flow through perfectly.
And it reminds me of you.
The clouds come together.
Heavy, yet lighter than any feather.
It becomes a darker day
None of the clouds ever look the same.
It reminds me of you.
As the clouds come together
And the sun disappears,
And the rain comes,
A song I've longed to hear
And I wish you were near...
Because it reminds me of you.
As it hits my face and washes away all the pain,
The fresh scent fills the air and The ground, it stains
But our memories remain
Soaked by the rain.
And it's not just you.
It reminds me of us, and I hope you feel it too.

At night, the blankets hold
Me close and keep me warm,
But it's not the same.
I lay my head on the pillow
Like I did on your chest.
It's not the same.
I keep checking my phone
I don't see your name.
In person, I occasionally
See your face..
But it's just not the same.

I touch my skin.
I remember the way you would gently caress it as a habit.
I feel tiredness in my eyes.
I remember how you would keep getting lost in the deep
Mix of blues
And didn't want to know
The way out.
I touch my face.
I remember how you used
To say how adorable I was
And that you think I'm perfect.
I touch my lips.
I remember your soft, passionate kisses that meant everything.
I pop my tired joints.
They still creak and snap.
I pop my knuckles.
I remember how you used to stroke my knuckles gently.
Another cute habit of yours.

I remember that,
When you hold me close,
I no longer feel broken.
I remember that,
When we kiss,
Time stops.
The world becomes silent.
Nothing matters.

I can't stop thinking about
You.
Us.
Everything.

Everywhere I look.
Everything I see.
It all
Reminds Me Of You.

the weight of the world is on my back
can't catch up on the sleep i lack
practically waiting for the upcoming heart attack

what is death?
well death is this
it is not some romanticized bliss
some think its when your body begins to decay
but it's really when your soul fades away

who am i?
just another teen that wants to die
just another day; just waking up makes me want to cry.
why?
maybe the men that slid their hands up my thighs.
maybe its the way that i'm criticized
maybe i'm the idiot that fell for their lies
and yet you don't understand the tears in my eyes?!
it all just makes me want to cry

yeah i'm upset, but i'm not sad.
i'm angry, overwhelmed
i have been devoured whole
no hope of escape
no bright light, because it's not a tunnel...

but maybe now i understand..
maybe my therapist was right when he said
"maybe life just isn't everyone"

the hardest thing one can do
is pursue their happiness
despite the pain it may cause
the ones who love them.

is being happy worth their sadness?
will it actually make you happy?

and what happens,
once you make the choice?
what if it's all a mistake?
what if there is no going back?

then what?
what now?