2 hours.
A few stops.
Driveway.
In your arms.
We'd been waiting for six months.

Your touch.
Fingertips.
Hands.
In your arms.
Caressing each other's hair.
Lips.
Tongues.
Teeth to neck.
All over each other.
Worth the wait.
Today is my favorite day.
I love you.
I love you so much.
So ******* much.
I'm absolutely in love with you.

Spring bringeth back the roses I love,
But alas,
My love not bringeth me roses

So as the rain comes
With a sprinkle of sunshine
To make flowers bloom
I still miss that love of mine
Whom taketh away my gloom

Skies grow dark
As grey clouds cover;
I deeply miss my Park,
My one true lover

And if these feelings you shall ignore,
Just know this is
Sincerely,Eleanor

Times change.
People change.
We never think our parents will change.
Especially not for the worse.

Mom,
You held me tight
When I cried at night
And when Dad died.
You wiped my tears.
You pushed away my fears.

Now you've become
What you protected me from.

You push me away.
I cry in silence.
I drown in my tears.
I'm afraid of not having anyone;
Of being left behind.

I don't see why
I continue to cry
Because
When's the last time
You were actually there for me?

Three years ago.
Before that?
Four years.
Before that?
Five Years.

You can't just be part of my life
And then leave.
You can't just come and go
As you please
Then yell when I don't do
As you please.

Why don't you
Just get out of my life
And stay out

I'll just continue
To silently cry
In the dark
Until I fall asleep

..Wishing Dad was still here.

I'm sorry mom.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my grades don't match my IQ.
I'm sorry I can't keep my grades up.
I'm sorry that no matter what I do it's not enough.
I'm sorry that I'd rather express
How I feel
Then get stuck in a desk.
I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
I'm sorry, but I'll never wear a dress.
Voluntarily.
I'm sorry that the color black
And the boy you don't approve of
make me happy
I'm sorry I'm not normal
Color is depressing.
Darkness is happiness.
Sorry, but I'm not perfect.
I never will be.
All I ask
Is for you to love and support me.
*
I'm a sorry dad.
I'm sorry I can't be strong enough.
I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made.
I'm sorry for what I've done.
I'm sorry that we didn't have more time together.
I'm sorry for my carelessness.
I'm sorry because I know that if you were here,
I'd be a disappointment
and you would disown me.
I'm sorry that I haven't been motivated.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not enough.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
I'm sorry that I have shut everyone out.
I'm sorry that I need you now that you're gone.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry for all the sacrifices you had to make for me.
.....
I'm sorry
.....
I understand
If you don't accept my apology
Because who would want empty words
From a disappointment like me?

Are you okay?
What happened?
To you..
To us...
Our love.
What happened?

You became stressed
And needed space
So you left
And I'll never forget the taste
Of honey turned vinegar
As my body rejected
The sweet promises
It once thrived on..

You said you wouldnt leave again
You said you'd always love me
You said you'd marry me
You said you wanted
To spend your life with me..

Do those words mean nothing to you?
Did they ever?
Was it all just a beautiful lie?
Did
"Forever and Always"
Mean absolutely nothing?
Do the tears i cried,
The sleepless, hungry nights,
The months of grief
For love we once shared
Mean nothing to you?

Who are you
And are you okay?
You smoked away
The cells of your brain
So you didnt have to think of me
Or guilt or pain
That you felt
That you caused..
A get away.
But little did you know
That you smoked yourself away
And became someone i dont know

I fell in love
With the man you once were..
But now youre just a stranger
Who looks very similar
To the love i lost.

For you may walk around in his skin
Wear his smile
His clothes
His hair
But you arent him

I lost him.
I need him..
And i cant find him anywhere..

Tug at my shirt
Unhook my bra
Pull my jeans off my ankles
Praise my body as it is
Take me as you see me
A vulnerable state
...for most

I don't care
If you accept me for how I look
I don't care
If I'm not enough on the outside

On the inside?
Turn around.
Don't look at me.
You won't like what you see.
Im ugly, turn away.

On the outside?
Follow my hand with your eyes
Come closer
Don't be too gentle
Pull a little harder

Inside?
Trembling.
But I'll try..
Its okay, I got it.
Please dont touch me,
I'm already scared.
At the edge of my shirt,
My hands tremble.
A little skin shows
Before I pull it back down in shame.
I try again,
but forget how buttons work.
I can't do it.

Outside?
Pull them off.
Kiss the exposed skin
Let your hands
Wander as they please

I may get undressed for you
But inside I'm still just a tease.

"Why did I ever
choose to fall in love?",
He asked her.

Without hesitation,
She showed him a glimmering piece of her own broken heart.

"Love isnt something we choose.
We miss a step,
Lose our footing,
And we're happy.
Falling for....
Who knows how long...
And then we get hurt.
But between the edge of the cliff
And the terrible fate below
Is such a wonderful experience
That takes you
Into such a warm embrace..
Until it..lets go.
..At least,
Thats how I see it"

And he who listened,
With a heart just as sore,
Knew she was right
Because she spoke from her heart.

"A quite painful endeavor,
Once you land",
He remarked.
All she could do was nod.
"I keep longing for that connection or love but I know it isnt going to come",
Left his lips suddenly.
"It will in its own time...
If you let it"

You don't know.
I never told you.
I'm sorry..
But I know that's not enough...
So hear my side.

I never wanted him.
I had no choice.
Not really.
He forced what I didn't want.
I couldn't escape.
He had me pinned.
He played twisted mind-games.
My mother forced me to hang out with him.
How could I tell her what happened?
How could I tell anyone?

I found the strength.
I said no.
He got mad.
He made me look like a *****.
He made himself seem innocent.

He broke your heart.
He convinced you to leave.
He turned almost everyone against me.

You need to understand.
He's the one that ruined everything.
I love you and I never wanted you to get hurt.
He's a monster.
I deserved what he did to me.
Had it coming.
You did nothing to deserve that.
I'm sorry for what he did to you.
That monster wanted revenge on me.
It's reason?
Don't know.
But it had no right to go after you.
I'm sorry I didn't protect you.
I'm sorry I lost you.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I'm sorry.
I know it's not enough,
But my apologies are sincere
And if I could fix everything
Go back and change it
I would in a heartbeat.
I promise.

Four years
Two months
Two weeks
And a day or two
Thats how long its been
Maybe, truly,it hasnt been very long,
But I miss you.
A short forever of sad and empty days
That makes me cry
The way orphans with memories do

To you,I write,
But its never meant to be read to you
To you I am dedicated,
Though you are gone
I'm grown up now;I had to quickly
Because when you died
I hadn't a shoulder to cry on.

I never let you see
  But your illness was a burden to me
And your death
Was also the death of me

My clothing is dark now
I'm much thinner now
And I havent moved on
But I'm happier now

Your little girl is doing okay
At least thats what she'll always say..
Its what she's been saying

She went into theatre
Because she can put on an act!
That smile you loved,
Now just a mask!
But she says she's okay;
Its what she's supposed to say,
To whomever may ask.

Future.
A future with you should excite me.
But..I...
My future and past are attacking my present.
I want to be with you,
But because of my past, Im afraid to.
Overthinking,
My mind is filled with
"What if"

My past haunts me
Makes the several possible outcomes for my-
Our future
Scary.
Terrifying.
Petrifying.

It's something I can seem to overcome
Because I'm overwhelmed.
It hard to admit..
But I'm...
I'm scared.
I'm lost.

You say to take a leap of faith.
But I need to see
Where my feet will land

I miss you.
What's not to miss.
You're so..
Perfect.
You don't see it.
Sure.
Maybe you don't see it.
I do.
It's all I see when I look at you.
Talk to you.
You don't see what I see.
You don't see it because of what You've been through.
I understand.
I truly do.
But you're perfect the way you are.

Your dark hair.
Your soft, smooth skin.
Your perfect smile.
Your brown eyes that
Turn to gold in sunlight.
Your thin body.
Your sense of humor.
Your outlook on life.

And I love that about you.
I love you.
I love you so much.
You'll never understand how much.
Never.
And I know you love me too.
We'll always be there for each other.
Always.

People don't understand
The love we have for each other.
They never will.
We love each other in every way possible.
No one will ever understand. And that's okay.

We're caring people
Because of our dark pasts.
It's
Darker
Than
We
Let
On
Only we know the truth about
Each other's past.
Present.
We try and help each other
To a better future.

We're each other's other half.
But it's not like that.
We're each other's soulmate.
But not like that.
We're meant for each other.
But not like that.
No.
It is like that.

DRIP
DriP
drip
d
r
i
p
Down the drain.
It falls not from the faucet.
It falls, a crimson rain
From my mouth, my nose.
Clear from my eyes.
Not my fault.
Not my fault.
Not my fault you're unstable.
Not my fault you're angry.
Not my fault you're broken.
Why do you blame me?
Why do you take it out on me?
What did I do?
I've done nothing to you.
I probably deserve it though.
Like I deserved the beatings
At your age and younger.
I probably deserve it.
I deserve pain.
You don't.
Taking it out on me
Will only hurt you more,
But I guess that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain.

I know how you feel.
Judged.
Unloved.
Beaten.
Defeated.
Broken.
More pain than could ever be spoken.
And yet, you don't know.
You don't know that I've had it worse.
That what you feel, that rejection,
It's nothing.
Nothing compared to
Loss.
Abuse.
Being neglected.
Eating disorders.
Internal hate.
Internal demons.
Mental illness.
Being absolutely shattered.
What I've been through.
You wouldn't understand
Yes, I don't play because I grew up too fast.
Trauma does that.
You don't understand because you...
You're lucky.
You have a good childhood.
Appreciate the little things.
You spoiled brat.
You don't understand what I've done.
You don't understand what I continue to do.
You don't understand what I'll always do.
For you.

I think I'm alive, but I can't even feel a heartbeat
And my soul feels cold despite the intense heat.
I thirst for a sense of sanity,
A sense of normal.
I can't find it and anytime
I ask someone for directions
They have no idea what I'm looking for...

And neither do I...

Why me?
When you can have the prettiest fish in the sea?
Why me?
When you can have someone who walks through life confidently?
Why me?
When you can have a girl who thinks of herself as pretty?
Why me?
When you can have someone who isn't broken mentally?
Why me?
Why cuddle with a thin bag of bones?
Why kiss the place my demons live?
Why try to water a dead flower?
Because you have hope?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm like this.
I'm sorry.
You don't deserve this.
I don't deserve you.
Your love, I deeply cherish,
but I'm not worthy of it.
What did I do to deserve your unconditional love?
Why Me?