My room went askew
Several months ago
And today
I put on my music
Turned it up loud
And put it back together

But certain songs
Came along,
Pounded in my heart,
And for a moment I fell apart

Music too loud to hear my sobs,
Too loud to hear my screams,
Too loud to hear the crashing
Of things I threw.

But then I stopped.
I crashed to my knees.
My scarred,
bleeding knuckles
Fell to my lap.
I collected myself.
Reorganized.
Put it all back together.

Music too loud to hear my sobs,
Too loud to hear my laughter,
Too loud to hear the steps
Of my unchoreographed dance

But loud enough
To learn the mess
Was not in my surroundings.
The mess was always in my mind

My mind went askew
A long time ago
And today
I put on my music
Turned it up loud
And put it back together

I drag my feet soberly
Retire to my darkness
My back to the world outside
Complete disinterest
To the chaos happening 'round me

Music blaring
Their Anger
Fear
Love
Tears
Joy
Confusion
Hurt
Comforts me
Their intensity my calm
My lullabies

My coffee-colored curls unfurl
From the place they were restrained
Held tight and out of sight
And gently fall down my spine
Freed and once again wild

I wrap myself in your jacket
It smells of you
It eats me whole
It is a hug you gave me to wear
When you aren't there

My corpse gently settles on its shelf
Resting in the ridges from years of use
A sigh of rest
A sigh of relief
A heavy blanket stretches over
Crushes me softly
A last breath

As the day decays
I don't watch the beauty of its death
I lay in deafening silence
Hoping
Praying
The sun melts away
The hell the day gave me

My corpse buries itself
Gives its last
And turns to stardust
Until the light is reborn
And my pieces shall fall back together
And I am forced to exist
Until the day shall die again
And I
Again
Die

What is a gift?
Surprize.

What is a gift without a box?
Without its fancy paper?
Without a bow or ribbon?
Without a card?
Simply an object
Sitting in place
Collecting dust
Lacking importance.

What is a gift?
A talent.
A passion.
A calling.
Potential.

What is a gift
If others do not experience it?
A waste of talent?
A hobby?
A secret?
A hidden piece of you.

Why is it a gift
Only if
You give it to others?

Is talent only a gift
When deamed worthy by others?

Whats in a gift?
Always a surprize.

Tug at my shirt
Unhook my bra
Pull my jeans off my ankles
Praise my body as it is
Take me as you see me
A vulnerable state
...for most

I don't care
If you accept me for how I look
I don't care
If I'm not enough on the outside

On the inside?
Turn around.
Don't look at me.
You won't like what you see.
Im ugly, turn away.

On the outside?
Follow my hand with your eyes
Come closer
Don't be too gentle
Pull a little harder

Inside?
Trembling.
But I'll try..
Its okay, I got it.
Please dont touch me,
I'm already scared.
At the edge of my shirt,
My hands tremble.
A little skin shows
Before I pull it back down in shame.
I try again,
but forget how buttons work.
I can't do it.

Outside?
Pull them off.
Kiss the exposed skin
Let your hands
Wander as they please

I may get undressed for you
But inside I'm still just a tease.

Once again
You have hurt me

Crying
Shaking
Overheating
Nauseous
Losing control

because you
found someone new
and you blind-sided me,
didnt you?!

how could you not know
why I was angry
why i pushed you away
why we arent talking right now

how could you not know
im still in love with you

isnt it obvious?
i still love you

but you,
unlike me,
have moved on

its been over a year but
i still cant seem to
let
you
go

but now
i will let everything go
become someone you dont know

i now revert to
who i was before you

once again
i
go
numb

Spring bringeth back the roses I love,
But alas,
My love not bringeth me roses

So as the rain comes
With a sprinkle of sunshine
To make flowers bloom
I still miss that love of mine
Whom taketh away my gloom

Skies grow dark
As grey clouds cover;
I deeply miss my Park,
My one true lover

And if these feelings you shall ignore,
Just know this is
Sincerely,Eleanor

Why must you treat me like I'm yours?
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your sweetheart.
Might not ever be,
The way you treat me.

Why must you treat me
Like I belong to you?
I'm not your pet.
I'm not your puppet.

I do what I want.
I change when I want.
I live and grow how I want.

I am not yours to control.
Grow up.

No.
Stop.
Stop it.
Stop it,okay?!
I'm not doing this again.
Alice will never again
venture down the rabbit hole.

And why should she?!
The rabbit is always out of reach.
The rabbit never sticks around for her.
She chases him
With a heart full of hope
And legs that can only carry her so fast..

But now
She is too tired to keep going.
Her hope has left her behind,
Turned its back on her,
Just as everyone else has.

Dont you dare
Taunt her with a new adventure
Dont you dare
Lure her in with promises of it being
"Different"
"A new path"
"Uncharted territory"
Because that will never be true.

The Weeping Willow stands
On Heartbreak Hill,
Watered only by its visitor's tears..
And Alice refuses
To keep watering a dead plant
She once hoped would live.

The hope of it living
Made her pain seem worth it

But now..
Alice has grown the **** up.

the hardest thing one can do
is pursue their happiness
despite the pain it may cause
the ones who love them.

is being happy worth their sadness?
will it actually make you happy?

and what happens,
once you make the choice?
what if it's all a mistake?
what if there is no going back?

then what?
what now?

When we are lost
We look within ourselves
Not realizing
It is precisely ourselves
That we must find

It may become especially hard
To find who we might be
When we dont know
Who we are or want to be

We become forever entangled
In this labyrinth of the mind
Searching for answers
Finding ourselves
That we often look elsewhere

Elsewhere may often be the danger
For we look in the wrong places.
We do not find ourselves
Among stems
Among bottles
Among the smoke
For we must set a fire
In our hearts, not our lungs

We especially do not find
Whom we are meant to be
Within another
They may have found you
But you are now lost together,lovers
Often, one more lost than the other

No one will ever
Take your journey
For you,
Although paths may cross,
So you must venture out
Making your own path
So you may once again
Find you.

You say you love me
You say you want me
You say "It'll be different"
"It won't happen again"
"Let's prove them wrong"
Its a never ending cycle,dear.

I knew it.
I knew it would happen again.
Deep down in my heart
I just knew.
So the more I let you in
The closer we got..
The more I let myself love..
It happened again.

They are protecting you from me
Because they see it too;
What I have always known.

I may be your "dream girl"
But never..
Was I ever meant
To be your soulmate
Because you deserve so much better
Than I could ever be

Again,with love,
I set you free

Four years
Two months
Two weeks
And a day or two
Thats how long its been
Maybe, truly,it hasnt been very long,
But I miss you.
A short forever of sad and empty days
That makes me cry
The way orphans with memories do

To you,I write,
But its never meant to be read to you
To you I am dedicated,
Though you are gone
I'm grown up now;I had to quickly
Because when you died
I hadn't a shoulder to cry on.

I never let you see
  But your illness was a burden to me
And your death
Was also the death of me

My clothing is dark now
I'm much thinner now
And I havent moved on
But I'm happier now

Your little girl is doing okay
At least thats what she'll always say..
Its what she's been saying

She went into theatre
Because she can put on an act!
That smile you loved,
Now just a mask!
But she says she's okay;
Its what she's supposed to say,
To whomever may ask.

They say that
When a symbol of love breaks,
The love no longer exists..

So today..
When the pendant fell
From its third new chain;
When your heart fell to the ground..
I thought
" you really dont love me"

And for so long..
I convinced myself
"I dont love you..
And I've met someone new.."
But

When I broke his necklace
To fix yours..
I then knew...
I always have
And always will
Love you
..even if you no longer love me too

But a part of me wishes you still do..

Are you okay?
What happened?
To you..
To us...
Our love.
What happened?

You became stressed
And needed space
So you left
And I'll never forget the taste
Of honey turned vinegar
As my body rejected
The sweet promises
It once thrived on..

You said you wouldnt leave again
You said you'd always love me
You said you'd marry me
You said you wanted
To spend your life with me..

Do those words mean nothing to you?
Did they ever?
Was it all just a beautiful lie?
Did
"Forever and Always"
Mean absolutely nothing?
Do the tears i cried,
The sleepless, hungry nights,
The months of grief
For love we once shared
Mean nothing to you?

Who are you
And are you okay?
You smoked away
The cells of your brain
So you didnt have to think of me
Or guilt or pain
That you felt
That you caused..
A get away.
But little did you know
That you smoked yourself away
And became someone i dont know

I fell in love
With the man you once were..
But now youre just a stranger
Who looks very similar
To the love i lost.

For you may walk around in his skin
Wear his smile
His clothes
His hair
But you arent him

I lost him.
I need him..
And i cant find him anywhere..

May it be known,
You whom giveth his all,

That this heart you seek
Does not seek yours

That the love you give
Is not given back

That the hope you hold
Will only hurt you

That the effort you put in
Has done nothing but wear you thin.

The heart you love
Still has lingering hope for another

The heart you cherish
No longer cherishes yours

The princess you seek
Does not wish to be courted
Or sit on your finest throne
As your queen

The love you deserve
Can not be found in her


So venture out and seek anew
So you may find the one right for you

Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall

Crumbling world
Under my feet
Has me feeling so small

Heart is shattered
My clothes tattered
I give up,**** it all

●○●○●

Used to be a bright bloom
Now only gloom
Where joy use to freely roam

Flower
Now slowly wilting
Misses the days of old

Days are so dark
Unrelenting
No longer she
Brave and bright and bold

○●○●○

Love was she
And she made people crazy

Their hearts unfurled
Their head afloat
Happiest beings in the world

Together two planted the seed
Thus she would soon begin to grow
She could be immortal
But how so
Honestly not many know

○○○○○

The girl who was always left.
Left out.
Left behind.
Left feeling unwanted.

She had so much love to give,
But was it too much
Or was it not good enough?

•••••
Alone.
Alone in her room she sat
A bottle in her hand
Staring at her collection

"Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall..."

"I can't imagine a life without you",
She told him.
Well, the unimaginable happened.
He left her.
She wept,
A rain so heavy for so long,
The dryest desert
Would turn to an ocean.
Long and hard, she wept for him.
She wept because she loved him.
She wept because she didn't want him to leave.
She wept because she wasn't enough.
She wept because
No matter what happened,
She could never hate him.
She loved  him
With every fiber of her being
And thought he did too.
•••
Though her heart continued to beat,
This was the day she died.

The bright sparkle that once
Lit up her eyes,
Shining from deep within her heart,
Darker than the blackest black
That day that her heart did crack.

The hope she once carried,
Turned into the heavy burden
Of knowing she would never
Love or be happy
Again.

Her heart,once so full of love,
Became the most empty
Yet most heavy
And weighed her down.
She wished
It no longer served its purpose,
For she did not want to feel again,
Nor did she want to live
Just to spend another day hurting.

Her genuine smile,
One that lit up a room,
Lighting up people within,
Had long gone,never to be seen again.
She merely faked it
So no one could see the truth.

Her laugh,
Contagious,it filled up a room.
Anyone who heard
Simply smiled and joined in.
Her laugh no longer spread joy,
She had none to give,
None to let out,
For her joy had left.

She still walked the earth,
But she wasn't quite alive.
○○○○○
Along came a boy who claimed to love her.
A friend that wanted to give her
Love
Joy
Peace
And the entire world..
He wanted to cherish her.
He wanted to heal her.

He had known no purer love
Than that from her heart..
He feared she was his last chance
At finding true love.

She had a big heart, but
It had been shattered
Left empty
Ripped out of her chest.
She was numb.
He wanted to make her feel again.

He kept persuing her
Over and over
She pushed him away
Again and again.
He was far too stubborn to stop..

But she didnt want love
Because love only leads to pain
And she wasnt ready to be hurt again
Though he promised he wouldnt.

She had nothing left to give,
Not even a smile.
Why did he want her so much?

He desperately longed for her;
Wanted to stand next to her
When the preacher read
"Until death do us part"

But Victor,
You cant have a corpse bride..

"Why did I ever
choose to fall in love?",
He asked her.

Without hesitation,
She showed him a glimmering piece of her own broken heart.

"Love isnt something we choose.
We miss a step,
Lose our footing,
And we're happy.
Falling for....
Who knows how long...
And then we get hurt.
But between the edge of the cliff
And the terrible fate below
Is such a wonderful experience
That takes you
Into such a warm embrace..
Until it..lets go.
..At least,
Thats how I see it"

And he who listened,
With a heart just as sore,
Knew she was right
Because she spoke from her heart.

"A quite painful endeavor,
Once you land",
He remarked.
All she could do was nod.
"I keep longing for that connection or love but I know it isnt going to come",
Left his lips suddenly.
"It will in its own time...
If you let it"

Scabbed scalp
Broken glasses
Scratches
Bruises
And missing hair patches

You yelled
Screamed
Blamed me
For what was not my fault
Why wouldn't you listen?

Why instead did you
Slap me
Rip out my hair
Demonize me
Hurt me

You wouldn't let go so I
Scratched
Bit
Dug in my nails
Drew blood
Anything to get away
From you

Thank God your sister stepped in.
Thank God she saved me from you.
Thank God she put you in your place.
Thank God.
But then?
You said you wanted to apologize
But that isnt what I saw
Or maybe I was blinded
By your big glowing gaslight..

Its one thing to demonize,
To make me the monster

Its one thing to scream in my face

Its one thing to tear me down with your words

And its one thing to physically hurt me

But its a whole other thing to tell me
That you hurting me
In all those ways
Was my fault
Instead of taking responsibility
Like a ******* adult

Making your ADULT child
Absolutely TERRIFIED
To be near you?

That's your fault.

So don't give me those big sad eyes
When I tell you "don't touch me"
Or I refuse a hug

This is your fault.

So now
I'm keeping my distance
Until I recover
From what YOU did.

The dried blood on my head
The missing hair
The migraine

The eyes that hurt from crying
The voice that hurts from trying
To get you to understand
That you've punished me enough
And not just with your hands
And that what happened
Was not my fault.

..when I woke up from nightmares
Of my abusers years before
You comforted me and said
"You're safe, theyre not here anymore"
I think about it now and then
Only to realize you're wrong
You're just like them.

Heart of stone.
Living
Within the corpse of a tree,
I mark my path.
One that can be
Removed.
Can completely vanish.
Can be
Rearranged.
I do what many can't;
I can change the past.
I can create
An alternate reality.
Words.
Pictures.
A humble creator.
-
But they use me.
They hurt me.
They break me.
They take me within their grasp,
Taking advantage of me;
My power of creation.
Using every bit of me they can..
-
Together, we write history
We rewrite it.
We change it.
We create a new future.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Beliefs.
I make it happen.
I store the memories
Of ones having come true.
I create.
But I keep memories
Tragedies.
Fantasies.
Rhythmic word.
All me.
-
But there is another.
One who is used,
Gifted with more control.
And over me,
They have picked this entity
And have put me down.
No longer needed.
No longer in use.
It is then I realized
I missed the abuse.

I saw your jacket today.
I never forgot about it,
Never put it away
But when I disappeared for a month
I didn't take it.
I wanted to...but didn't.
I didnt want the torn sleeves
To completely fall apart
Like I did
When you broke my heart...
•••
I didn't just see your jacket.
It's hanging by the hood on my bedpost.
It's always there, but I often disregard..
But when I leaned down,
I braced myself on my bedpost.
I look up
And I realize the soft hood
Rests under my hand.
Made me think of
How much you always supported me
•••
I saw your jacket today
And honestly, I froze.
I couldn't move,
My body, cold.
The only movement,
The tear down my cheek.
And because you arent here
To wipe them away like you used to
I wiped them away
With your tattered sleeve.
•••
I didn't take your jacket.
I took my friend's sweater.
You know,
The ex you were always suspicious of?
I took his sweater.
Why?
It was warm
And it was a piece of my hometown.
Somehow you knew he still loved me.
I knew, but I didn't care.
Even with the love I gave
Your jealousy still tore you away..
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I held it close.
I felt every soft fiber.
It was your favorite
black
Champion
jacket.
But you gave it to me
Because back then
I mattered more
But the more I wore it,
It tattered more..
But that didnt matter.

You gave it to me
wrapped around
your favorite stuffed penguin.
The one I still can't sleep without.
The one soaked in my tears.
It was once your treasure,
but you once treasured me more.
And I trying to fix the jacket
That was once wrapped around it
But the more i do,
The more it falls apart
And maybe the same is true with your heart.
Maybe I'm the one at fault.
No.
Youre the one that hurt me.
•••
It was you.
It was you,
But no matter what you do
I will always love you.
True
Unconditional
Unending
Love
Does not end because of one instance
Or even several.
I will always love you.
And when it comes to you
Loving me
I know its not true.
Because if it were
you wouldnt have left me.
You wouldnt be trying to forget me.
You wouldnt be getting high
Every night
To try and find
That feeling I gave you
When you looked in my eyes.
I know because i felt it too.
Two years of butterflies.
Dizziness.
The feeling of fireworks
When our skin touched.
The raw and untamed passion.
The purest love.
All these things that made us both
Feel so alive..
That you left behind
Like an emotional suicide.
And you choose drugs
Instead of admitting you were wrong.
You try to resurrect the joy
That you only ever felt with me
Convincing yourself
You dont need me
But we need each other.
We need each other
Because one without the other
Is in a deep
Dark
Miserable
Place
That they cant escape
While the other is writing poetry
Pretending she is okay
To not have you in her life
From day to day
The days get harder and harder
Because the one she needs
Claims he doesnt want her.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I folded it up and put it away
In a safe place
Taking up a small bit of my closet space.
Wearing that jacket
Was like wearing your hug
But after all you've done
I don't want you to touch me.

And if one day
You decide you actually want me..
You clean yourself up,
Figure life out,
Get back on your feet
And decide what's missing is me..
If you truly want me
You better get on your knees
And cry at my feet
Because "sorry"
Isnt enough
For what you've done.
Because when you loved me
You showed me
I was nothing less than a queen
But dethroned me
Making me feel
Worthless
Ashamed
Ugly
But I realized
Im still a queen
Without you.
Show a girl her worth,
She'll never forget
No matter how much you may
"Regret"
•••
I do still love you...
No.
I still love who you once were
But I dont recognize you now.

But even if you were to become
The man I once loved
I would just turn you away
No matter what you may say
Because its me you betrayed
When you promised you would stay.

My heart has never been
A toy with which you should play.
And I honestly regret the day
I gave it to you and let you open it
Because I knew better
Than to fall in love.
I knew better and its not fair.
Its not fair
That I melted
When you would play with my hair
As you touched my skin..
When you would grab my sides and
Pull me in
And trick me into the
Best two years of my life.
Tricking me into thinking
I would one day be your wife.

But i wouldnt trade it for the world.
If i could go back, I'd do it again.
Just make sure it didnt end
Because I knew from the start
I never wanted to love again..
If it wasnt you.

So *******
For making me
Fall in love with you.

It was the best thing
That ever happened to me.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
And it still matters to me..
But I'm never wearing it again.

Forever and Always
It will sit
In the back of my closet.

I don't want what he loved about me to show,but unfortunately he loved everything about me

As I hold my mouth shut
Reading the words on my screen
I feel the warm tears
Caused by each letter's sting

My stomach curses me
Tied in knots
A lump in my throat
Sobs silenced by my hands

Quietly
My heart has shattered
My eyes,waterfalls
My body shaking

Again I read the words i refuse to accept
Im exhausted
3am

I hope this is all a nightmare
But I havent cried myself to sleep yet

In agonizing stab wounds the heart
In gut-wrenching reality
I feel nothing but pain
Unsure how to feel about you
As I wonder what went wrong
And why you refused to stay
When I needed you most.

She wore his Champion sweater.
She wore the necklace,
Her anniversary gift.
She held close the stuffed penguin
He had since he was a child.
Next to her head,
The book he got her for her birthday.
On her feet were the slipper socks
He sent to keep her warm last winter.
Even from a distance,
He took such great care of her.
He loves her so much.
And she loves him too.
And she wishes she could do the same.

She has every reason to be happy..
But alone
She lays on her bed
In tears
A hollow shell of who she once was.
Faking a smile for him.
Surviving for him.
Struggling through each day for him.
Eating only for him.

She's no longer in a dark place,
As she once was.
But...

the weight of the world is on my back
can't catch up on the sleep i lack
practically waiting for the upcoming heart attack

what is death?
well death is this
it is not some romanticized bliss
some think its when your body begins to decay
but it's really when your soul fades away

who am i?
just another teen that wants to die
just another day; just waking up makes me want to cry.
why?
maybe the men that slid their hands up my thighs.
maybe its the way that i'm criticized
maybe i'm the idiot that fell for their lies
and yet you don't understand the tears in my eyes?!
it all just makes me want to cry

yeah i'm upset, but i'm not sad.
i'm angry, overwhelmed
i have been devoured whole
no hope of escape
no bright light, because it's not a tunnel...

but maybe now i understand..
maybe my therapist was right when he said
"maybe life just isn't everyone"

Breakdown number…. 9? 10?
I had a breakdown today.
Math will never be a subject I am great...good…. at.
I was never meant to be an accountant. I’m an artist.
Whether it be a paintbrush, a camera,my voice,my body-in the way of dance.
I’m in artist in the imagination of a reader’s my mind.
I project vibrant colors though my script,my medium, is black and white.
The color drips,rains,floods,drains,pours over,overflows.
I’m an artist of many mediums.
Math is not an art.
It is torture.
It’s a killer.
A murderer.
A thief of time and energy.
It tries to drain and conform the wild and ever growing mind of a creator.
It is one of many reasons people use art to escape.
Math is a virus.
It sickens the mind.
Makes conformity the norm.
Normal is overrated.
Normal is for those who gave up on their dreams inspired by art
Because they were told to conform
And only be society’s norm.
It puts you in a box before your casket..
Since when are you supposed to live in a box?
That’s where the dead belong.
Don’t die inside when life is meant to be lived.
Live. Don’t just “survive”
Or you will miss out on your only life.

One must give a life
So that another may live.

We shed a tear as we say goodbye
To a cathedral that once touched the sky.
I dont know how it started or why,
But somehow
Its highest peak now points to the ground.
Ash,what once was glass and wood.
Eight hundred years it proudly stood.
It now bows to the heavens above
Because it was shown less than love
The gothic cathedral has gone to ruin
Almost burnt down to its frame,
It can be rebuilt,but never the same..
•••••
..Because when you break something down..
When you break someone down...
They will never be the same again.
They wont have the same...anything.
○○○
They wont be as outgoing as they once were.
They will hide their smile..if it ever comes.
The light in their eyes grows dark.
They...they are forever changed..
And not for the better..
○○○○○
Once they're gone,they're gone..
Sure,they can change for the better
As a building can be rebuilt,
But they will never be themselves again.
They will never be who they once were.
They will forever be emptied of the life that was once there..
And that's why life just isnt fair..

What's wrong with me?
I procrastinate
And I cant think straight
No I dont need help
I can do this myself
My body aches
Im always in pain
My bones are four times older than my age
Its hard to sleep
I toss and turn
My eyelids are heavy but my brain
Is wide awake
I try to blame my mattress
But it is my own skin
That I am not comfortable in
And people will never understand how hard it is for me to be awake
Im always on the edge
But not always a bridge
I wish
Im always upset and angry and I dont know why
I blame my hyper sensitivity
Im consistently overwhelmed
By the ship in my head
That holds me at its helm
Stormy seas
Its hard to breathe
Around people
Because the monsters that people are
Away, I will stay far
For the monsters I live among
Would rather watch me be hung
And I cant handle their eyes
Because within them holds lies
And they will always try
To convince I'm not
Good
Strong
Pretty
Perfect
Enough
I want to not care what they think
But all I do is overthink
Which makes me tired
But my brain wont let me sleep
Help me
My legs will shake when I sit
But I cant stand
Because my knobby knees
Will crash like thunder
And then give out
Or I will start to dance
Without a tune
Because I need to let go
Of my negative energy
And then find
That I've gotten into a bind
Because there is a mess in my mind
And I will start a million projects
That never come to a finish line
And I am at the end of mine

As the day turns to dusk
And the mountains let out a heavy sigh,
I look out and wonder
If it will freeze again tonight.

As I look out to the small town
So engrained in my mind,
I wonder if the snow that blankets
Will get thicker tonight.

The star starts to slowly melt it away,
But the cold of the night will stray
And there will still be snow by the break of day

The chill swirls around my body,
Brushes through my hair,
And nibbles at my ears.
It picks up a few stray strands
As it carries on its way
To float past the frosted plants along the path.

As I walk through a world turned white,
I sometimes have to look away,
As the sun's reflection impairs my sight
From the bright expanse of field below me.
As my feet gently crunch in the wintery bliss,
The breeze will stroke my hair and leave with a kiss
Knowing that it will be missed
As the sun pushes it away
So that the sun may have a turn
To kiss my skin
And brighten the darkness within.

She hurt me again.
It was a dumb little fight.
With my dumb little sister.

She got in between.
She got really mean.
Like an animal
She took out her claws
And bared her teeth.

She started to yell.
She's not all there.
I could tell
As her angry dead eyes
Started to flare.
A flame you could hear
In the crack of her voice.

I was upset.
I was being passive-aggressive.
I told her she wasn't fair.
She spits in my face.
Then she got aggressive.

Sharp pain.
The left side of my head.
Ear started to ring.
Wanted to be dead.
Wanted to disappear.
My brain felt like it was vibrating
From getting hit in the ear.

Down to the ground.
Fetal position.
A thing I practiced
More than other children
I knew they were yelling
But not what they were saying
Mine was pounding.

Could finally hear.
Obey to stay safe.
I try to get up.
Attacked again.

Pulling at my shirt
My hair
Claws digging in.
She wanted to hurt me.
I forgot she was human.
I forgot everything
And tried to escape.

Finally got away
Someone stood in.
She barked in their face.
They went down the hall.

I wanted to hide.
I was afraid to move.
I ran.
I ran to the backyard.
I found my sister crying.
Curled in a ball.

I took off my sweater for her
In it, she hid.
I twisted my limbs around her
This will traumatize her
When she grows out of being a kid.

Later we were found.
Pulled back into the monster's house.
"**** it up and go to bed"
Without another peep
We silently cried ourselves to sleep.

My eyes burn.
I'm weak.
I'm sore

Mom
Why don't you love us anymore?

Future.
A future with you should excite me.
But..I...
My future and past are attacking my present.
I want to be with you,
But because of my past, Im afraid to.
Overthinking,
My mind is filled with
"What if"

My past haunts me
Makes the several possible outcomes for my-
Our future
Scary.
Terrifying.
Petrifying.

It's something I can seem to overcome
Because I'm overwhelmed.
It hard to admit..
But I'm...
I'm scared.
I'm lost.

You say to take a leap of faith.
But I need to see
Where my feet will land

I don't understand.
The once sturdy ground has turned to sand.
My feet sink in
And so do your words.

I don't understand.
Don't you still love me?
Do I no longer make you happy?
What's wrong with me?
Am I not enough?

I don't understand.
I know life is rough.
I know you feel lost.
But please don't push me away.

I don't understand.
Why do I have to keep convincing you to stay?
Several times you've tried to leave,
And then turn around and tell me you love me.

I'm sorry mom.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my grades don't match my IQ.
I'm sorry I can't keep my grades up.
I'm sorry that no matter what I do it's not enough.
I'm sorry that I'd rather express
How I feel
Then get stuck in a desk.
I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
I'm sorry, but I'll never wear a dress.
Voluntarily.
I'm sorry that the color black
And the boy you don't approve of
make me happy
I'm sorry I'm not normal
Color is depressing.
Darkness is happiness.
Sorry, but I'm not perfect.
I never will be.
All I ask
Is for you to love and support me.
*
I'm a sorry dad.
I'm sorry I can't be strong enough.
I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made.
I'm sorry for what I've done.
I'm sorry that we didn't have more time together.
I'm sorry for my carelessness.
I'm sorry because I know that if you were here,
I'd be a disappointment
and you would disown me.
I'm sorry that I haven't been motivated.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not enough.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
I'm sorry that I have shut everyone out.
I'm sorry that I need you now that you're gone.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry for all the sacrifices you had to make for me.
.....
I'm sorry
.....
I understand
If you don't accept my apology
Because who would want empty words
From a disappointment like me?

I can't wait to see you again.
For us to hold each other tight.
For everything to be perfect,
Even if it's just for one night.

I've made all the arrangements.
Everything is set.
Everything is ready
For our best night yet.

Dark room.
Colorful lights.
Loud music.
Sweaty teens.
All wearing something expensive
That they will only wear once.
A night they'll remember
Until prom the same year.
But all that matters
Is you and I, my dear.

As the speakers blare
And the sound and lights dance around us
Despite the crowd,
There is only us.

Trying.
To .
Breathe.

Can't.
Continue.

Room.
Darker.

Water.
I.
I need..
Water.

My..
My legs..
Are..
Giving out.

Heart.
Pounding.

Head.
Spinning.

I..
I need you.

Don't leave me!..

I..
Can't..
Do this..
Without you..

Stop walking away!
Please!
Anyone!
Help me!

I.
Can't..
...Breathe..

My darling
I'm sorry

I love you
I hate you
I need you
I fear you

You make me happy
You scare the **** out of me
I need you
Leave me alone
You saved me
Let me die

I can't stand you
But
I can't stand without you

Don't leave
Go away
You comfort me
Don't touch me
Stay
Get out of here

I'M BROKEN
YOU TRY TO FIX ME

LEAVE ME IN PAIN
IN PIECES
LIKE I'M MEANT TO BE

I don't deserve your
Warm
Loving
Caring
Heart.
I don't deserve love.

I deserve pain
Hurt
Suffering
Anger
Sadness.

Just..
Go away

I've never had what you give.
I'm afraid to accept it
because despite your promises, you might leave too.
I understand if you do.
...
But
Why stay?

You don't know.
I never told you.
I'm sorry..
But I know that's not enough...
So hear my side.

I never wanted him.
I had no choice.
Not really.
He forced what I didn't want.
I couldn't escape.
He had me pinned.
He played twisted mind-games.
My mother forced me to hang out with him.
How could I tell her what happened?
How could I tell anyone?

I found the strength.
I said no.
He got mad.
He made me look like a *****.
He made himself seem innocent.

He broke your heart.
He convinced you to leave.
He turned almost everyone against me.

You need to understand.
He's the one that ruined everything.
I love you and I never wanted you to get hurt.
He's a monster.
I deserved what he did to me.
Had it coming.
You did nothing to deserve that.
I'm sorry for what he did to you.
That monster wanted revenge on me.
It's reason?
Don't know.
But it had no right to go after you.
I'm sorry I didn't protect you.
I'm sorry I lost you.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I'm sorry.
I know it's not enough,
But my apologies are sincere
And if I could fix everything
Go back and change it
I would in a heartbeat.
I promise.

Times change.
People change.
We never think our parents will change.
Especially not for the worse.

Mom,
You held me tight
When I cried at night
And when Dad died.
You wiped my tears.
You pushed away my fears.

Now you've become
What you protected me from.

You push me away.
I cry in silence.
I drown in my tears.
I'm afraid of not having anyone;
Of being left behind.

I don't see why
I continue to cry
Because
When's the last time
You were actually there for me?

Three years ago.
Before that?
Four years.
Before that?
Five Years.

You can't just be part of my life
And then leave.
You can't just come and go
As you please
Then yell when I don't do
As you please.

Why don't you
Just get out of my life
And stay out

I'll just continue
To silently cry
In the dark
Until I fall asleep

..Wishing Dad was still here.

I'm intoxicated by your love, lips, touch
And can't get enough of you
I'm absolutely in love with you
I wish I could live in your arms
I wish you could've stayed longer
I look up; I see the stars shine so bright.
It reminds me of the sparkle in your eyes.
I only wish I could capture that light.

My love, you take my breath away
I wish we didn't need oxygen, so our lips never have to separate
Oh dear God, I'm high on your love.
I never want to be sober

Darling, you are my everything.
Without you I...
I'm simply nothing.
I'm absolutely nothing without you;
Without your love.

This is just a love poem.
Another pile of mush
That sets my heart free
And tells by buzzing mind to hush.

It's about you
And yet
I'll probably never show you
Because
It's just another mushy love poem
That doesn't matter all that much.

Why is that we become hypnotized
By those with the brightest of blue eyes?
Surprise, Surprise!
All that comes out are lies!
Lies!
Hurting those with innocent hearts.
Hurting those who are torn apart.
Hurt.
That's all they seem to cause.
No matter their intentions,
Those with
Green
Blue
Brown
Eyes
Will continue to cry
From the
Deep
Dark
Lies
That come
From
Deep
Blue
Eyes.

You want me to
Tell you,
Show you,
Explain to you
What is wrong with me,
What goes on in my head,
My past.
You want to understand
You want to help
You want to know the real me
Who I am..

The problem is..
I don't know either.
When you mentally suffer
Since birth,
You don't know the real you
Because you don't invent yourself.
You are too busy
Spending your life convincing
Everyone
That
"I'm fine"
"I'm okay"
...
but that's only the beginning
...
" Yes, I ate today"
(I think)
"It's a cat scratch"
(There's more on my hips)
"I don't know where the bottle is"
(under my bed, empty)
"Yeah, I slept fine"
(if you call 3 hours 'fine')

Lies I'll tell to everyone..
But you, love,
Are not "everyone", but
"Everything".
You are everything to me
And yet..
I can't tell you everything.
Not yet.
I will
When the time is right
I will
Tell you,
Show you,
Explain to you
What is wrong with me,
What goes on in my head,
My past.
So you can
Understand
Help
Know the real me.
And who I am.
But..
Until then...
Can you
Stay with me
Love me
Be patient with me
?

Shut.
Up.
Stop complaining.
So what if something didn't go right.
So what.
You can just shut up.

I'm a pessimistic optimist.
Look at the bright side.
At least you can see,
Talk to
Hold
Your Valentine.

Go shove
Your overrated love
Deep
Down
Your
Throat.

Choke
On
Your
Paper hearts
Overpriced candy
Flower arrangements
And wasted money.

It's just another
Greeting card holiday.

**** it, Hallmark!

Some people don't get to see their love
Some people have lost their love
Some people are alone
And some people just hate this
Stupid, unnecessary holiday
You.
Can.
Just.
****.
It.

Just **** it.
Because
If you really love someone,
You tell them
Show them
Treat them right
EVERY.
****.
*******.
DAY.
NOT JUST WHEN SOCIETY
******* TELLS YOU TO!

It's not love
If you have to be reminded.

Don't be afraid to express love.
So what if you care about someone
Other than yourself.
It's a change from some people.

•••••

Sorry.
Craving physical love
Such as the simplest touch
....
It drives you insane.

So go on.
Pay no attention
To this free verse
Rant of mine.
I just wish to hold
My intangible valentine.

2 hours.
A few stops.
Driveway.
In your arms.
We'd been waiting for six months.

Your touch.
Fingertips.
Hands.
In your arms.
Caressing each other's hair.
Lips.
Tongues.
Teeth to neck.
All over each other.
Worth the wait.
Today is my favorite day.
I love you.
I love you so much.
So ******* much.
I'm absolutely in love with you.

Soon.
You keep saying it.
Soon.
Soon you'll have the money.
Soon you'll have the right part.
Soon your car will be fixed.
Soon you'll make plans to come see me.
Soon.
Baby, "soon" just seems to be
How we now measure eternity
Because "soon" is never soon enough
And it's driving me crazy.
I said I'd gladly wait
As long as it takes
But days and days
Keep melting away.
Soon seems to be forever.
Darling, I'd wait for you forever,
But my heart hurts
And it yearns for yours
So much that I want to scream
And break down every door.
This feeling of want
Is impossible to ignore.
I know you feel it too.

Waiting is torturing us.
But we can't give up.
We're too in love.
I'll never let go.
I'll wait as long as I have to.
I just have a hard time dealing
With this overwhelming feeling.
I need to get it out
But it's not something I can
Openly talk to you about.
I need to let go.
Not of you.
But I do.
I need to let go of me.
I'm a tortured mess.
And I need to let go
Of what's torturing my soul.
I crave your touch
In our long distance love.
I'M TRYING TO BE TOUGH
AND WAIT OUT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE
BUT SOON JUST ISN'T ******* SOON ENOUGH!!!

I haven't stopped thinking
And dreaming about you.
I've never stopped loving you
And wanting you.
I crave you.
You drive me crazy,
But normal has never been my thing.
You are all I
Need
want
Love
crave
I need you
I want you
I love you
I crave you
Dear God!
More than ever.
Call me obsessed,
But darling,
it's true.
It will always be true.
And you'll never understand
Just how much I love you.

DRIP
DriP
drip
d
r
i
p
Down the drain.
It falls not from the faucet.
It falls, a crimson rain
From my mouth, my nose.
Clear from my eyes.
Not my fault.
Not my fault.
Not my fault you're unstable.
Not my fault you're angry.
Not my fault you're broken.
Why do you blame me?
Why do you take it out on me?
What did I do?
I've done nothing to you.
I probably deserve it though.
Like I deserved the beatings
At your age and younger.
I probably deserve it.
I deserve pain.
You don't.
Taking it out on me
Will only hurt you more,
But I guess that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain.

I know how you feel.
Judged.
Unloved.
Beaten.
Defeated.
Broken.
More pain than could ever be spoken.
And yet, you don't know.
You don't know that I've had it worse.
That what you feel, that rejection,
It's nothing.
Nothing compared to
Loss.
Abuse.
Being neglected.
Eating disorders.
Internal hate.
Internal demons.
Mental illness.
Being absolutely shattered.
What I've been through.
You wouldn't understand
Yes, I don't play because I grew up too fast.
Trauma does that.
You don't understand because you...
You're lucky.
You have a good childhood.
Appreciate the little things.
You spoiled brat.
You don't understand what I've done.
You don't understand what I continue to do.
You don't understand what I'll always do.
For you.

I wish feelings didn't exist
But they do
And they persist to ruin my life.
All this strife.
Just because three guys
Imagine me as their future wife.

How did I get here?
Keep reading if you want to hear
But please, no fangirl tears.

It starts in my early years.
I met him.
He was my best friend.
He was my first crush.
I was his.
I left for another school.
We hadn't seen each other since.

Middle school.
I met a boy my first year there.
It was infatuation upon first greeting

The second year I finally took up conversation with him.
I fell harder into my feelings.

The next year,
He was mine.
And I was his.
If only it stayed like this.
First love.
First kiss.
Our love was pure bliss.
It's what I will always miss.
And it was my fault.
I ruined it.
I can't do anything about it.

Summer camp.
A friend.
Later a close friend.
Now, super close.
Very close friends.
We know each other inside and out.
We're always there for each other.
Always.
Things went farther.

Everything caught up.
My kindergarten friend goes to my school.
My middle school boyfriend is friends with him.
Apparently, they're cousins.
My ex/ guy friend still likes me.
My kindergarten friend likes me.
My kindergarten friend took me to homecoming.
Later, the boys fight.
I don't understand why girls want to be fought over.
It was awful.
Later, my camp friend and I confess our feelings.
So.. things happened.
I couldn't be happier,
But long distance *****.

I miss you.
What's not to miss.
You're so..
Perfect.
You don't see it.
Sure.
Maybe you don't see it.
I do.
It's all I see when I look at you.
Talk to you.
You don't see what I see.
You don't see it because of what You've been through.
I understand.
I truly do.
But you're perfect the way you are.

Your dark hair.
Your soft, smooth skin.
Your perfect smile.
Your brown eyes that
Turn to gold in sunlight.
Your thin body.
Your sense of humor.
Your outlook on life.

And I love that about you.
I love you.
I love you so much.
You'll never understand how much.
Never.
And I know you love me too.
We'll always be there for each other.
Always.

People don't understand
The love we have for each other.
They never will.
We love each other in every way possible.
No one will ever understand. And that's okay.

We're caring people
Because of our dark pasts.
It's
Darker
Than
We
Let
On
Only we know the truth about
Each other's past.
Present.
We try and help each other
To a better future.

We're each other's other half.
But it's not like that.
We're each other's soulmate.
But not like that.
We're meant for each other.
But not like that.
No.
It is like that.

I wish it was only hours away,
But sometimes
Hours feel longer than days.
The days often feel like years
And I miss you so much that there are tears.
Time drags on and lingers
And as it does, you stay just out of reach,
At the tip of my fingers.

I am yours and you are mine.
You give me a feeling above Cloud 9

Unfortunately, we can't physically be together,
It will all be fine.
Just patience and hope will get us through,
My love,
Don't be afraid for I will always want you.
No one can claim me.
No can take me.
No one can touch me.
No one but you.
For me, it will always be you.

As I long for your touch
And the sound of your voice,
I reminisce on all of our memories.
The times we laughed,
The times we cried.
The times we became vulnerable
and threw away our shred of pride.
When we would open up
And tell our own little truths.
We'd share insecurities,
Thoughts,
Rants,
Theories,
Jokes.
We still do and
We've become so close.
We keeping getting closer
And yet, for us there is is such a
Far distance between