Like a gunshot in the temple.
I wish.

A spike
It's like a large spike
Ripping through my brain tissue.
It slowly twists farther.
And farther.
And farther.
Unending excruciating pain.
As it twists
More spikes sprout and stretch.
They stretch farther and farther
As the spike continues to drill
In my head.
It goes on for hours.

My vision slowly begins to blur
And darken.
My body begins to shake.
My bones creak.
My legs give out.
My eyes close.
I don't remember anything else...

I walk down the street.
I see the sun through the trees,
As the beams flow through perfectly.
And it reminds me of you.
The clouds come together.
Heavy, yet lighter than any feather.
It becomes a darker day
None of the clouds ever look the same.
It reminds me of you.
As the clouds come together
And the sun disappears,
And the rain comes,
A song I've longed to hear
And I wish you were near...
Because it reminds me of you.
As it hits my face and washes away all the pain,
The fresh scent fills the air and The ground, it stains
But our memories remain
Soaked by the rain.
And it's not just you.
It reminds me of us, and I hope you feel it too.

At night, the blankets hold
Me close and keep me warm,
But it's not the same.
I lay my head on the pillow
Like I did on your chest.
It's not the same.
I keep checking my phone
I don't see your name.
In person, I occasionally
See your face..
But it's just not the same.

I touch my skin.
I remember the way you would gently caress it as a habit.
I feel tiredness in my eyes.
I remember how you would keep getting lost in the deep
Mix of blues
And didn't want to know
The way out.
I touch my face.
I remember how you used
To say how adorable I was
And that you think I'm perfect.
I touch my lips.
I remember your soft, passionate kisses that meant everything.
I pop my tired joints.
They still creak and snap.
I pop my knuckles.
I remember how you used to stroke my knuckles gently.
Another cute habit of yours.

I remember that,
When you hold me close,
I no longer feel broken.
I remember that,
When we kiss,
Time stops.
The world becomes silent.
Nothing matters.

I can't stop thinking about
You.
Us.
Everything.

Everywhere I look.
Everything I see.
It all
Reminds Me Of You.

*** ***
Two beats, then four.
My heart is pounding more and more
As you walk through the door and
My stomach falls through the floor.
*** ***
Four beats, eight
Soon it will be too late
For there's red on my skin
And only ice on my plate.
The sight of my bones and people again see what they ate.
Nothing will help at this rate.
*** ***
My bones are brittle.
I'm eating very little.
Of it all, I'm stuck in the middle.
Suddenly I feel so little,
Like the body fat in my middle.
This was never for approval.
Just me wanting a self-removal.
To just press delete
Would be easy, bittersweet.
The end is just what I want to meet.
*** ***.
My heart continues to beat.
I want it to stop.
Why?
Take a seat.
It all started when I was very small.
I was quiet, shy, and hardly spoke at all.
Even then I could feel it.
I knew I was different,
But didn't know why.
Couldn't ask because I was too shy.
Couldn't tell me this was fake at all.
I could feel the sadness in my stomach like a ball
That was 5 foot tall.
*** ***
Since then, it kept going on.
I had to stay strong
For far too long.
I can't take it anymore so I rip my heart out and throw it on the floor
Out the door
To you because I feel like you could use it more
Than I

Why me?
When you can have the prettiest fish in the sea?
Why me?
When you can have someone who walks through life confidently?
Why me?
When you can have a girl who thinks of herself as pretty?
Why me?
When you can have someone who isn't broken mentally?
Why me?
Why cuddle with a thin bag of bones?
Why kiss the place my demons live?
Why try to water a dead flower?
Because you have hope?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm like this.
I'm sorry.
You don't deserve this.
I don't deserve you.
Your love, I deeply cherish,
but I'm not worthy of it.
What did I do to deserve your unconditional love?
Why Me?

Images racing.
Thoughts ringing in my skull.
Head pounding with voices that refuse to leave.
My eyelids try to close, but they're ripped back open.
I can't sleep!
I wish this was all just a dream.
I wish I could wake up.
The thoughts and voices they terrify me.
They keep me awake.
They say things.
Things like
"Either many restless nights or one eternal sleep"...
And I've never been so tired.
Bullet-sized sleeping pills.
That's all I see.
Someone save me.
Please.
I don't think I can take it anymore.

I'm too tired to sleep.
My eyes want to close.
I'm wide awake.
There's not much more that I can take.
I don't talk about it for everyone else's sake,
But it consumes me like a large snake.
I wish it was fake.

It makes me push people away.
Many times they don't fight to stay.
The voices in my mind, they made me this way.

Eventually, I become exhausted.
I become worn out by all of the
Buzzing in my head,
Finally, I fall into a deep sleep.

The sun rises.
I have to drag myself from the sheets and
Blankets that held me, prisoner.
I fake a smile and
Go through the motions.
The vicious cycle always repeats.
It never ends.

It was only sixth grade.
We met when you dropped your papers.
Our hands touched, our eyes met.
******* over ever since.

It was only eighth grade.
You finally were brave enough to ask me out.
First love, First kiss
We fell in love.
Torn apart by force.
We both walked away with tears in our eyes.
We tried one more time.
Then you pushed me away.
You said you "lost feelings".
You lied.
You lied and you know it.
You lied and it hurt both of us.
I could feel it.
I could see it in your eyes.
I could hear it in your voice.
You lied.
As I hugged you one last time,
I could feel the heaviness in your heart.
I could feel the tear that escaped past your cheek.
As I walked away, I saw you.
I saw you wipe your eyes.
You lied.
I don't know why but you did,
Liar.

When did life get so out of control?
I sleep for four hours if I'm lucky.
I have to pretend I'm happy.
My brain tells me death would be less sucky.

I'm always fidgeting and shaking.
Every breath is a mistake.
My reality just keeps breaking!
and it's not just my life at stake.

School.
We used to have field trips on the last day...
Now we keep trying to cry the stress away.
To get out of this prison; this nightmare
Please hear this student's prayer.
We all hunger for that day in May or June
But the freedom comes and goes too soon.
It leaves, leaves fall.
What did we do to deserve this at all?

I can't balance it all.
Grades
Homework
Social Life
Sleep
Eating three meals
Faking a smile through it all.
It's not fair..
I want to wake up from this nightmare.

But, once I do I have to become part of the
Destruction that I had nothing to do with.
I have to clean it up.
No supplies, no instructions.

But right now...
Right now there's a boy is in love with me but
He can't shout it to the world.
Not yet.
He's always conflicted and angered.
He looks at me and it disappears
His pupils take up what should be his iris.
His awkward smile reaches from ear to ear.
And I'm in love with him too.
More than he loves me.
Though I'll be glad to be free,
I won't see him for a month.
Two months.
Three?

My best friend doesn't love the situation.
She doesn't like us; him and me.
I understand.
Especially since I've been an ******* these past two weeks.
Ignored, abandoned..
Never forgotten.
I got caught up in his clingy, protective love.
I know sorry just wasn't enough, but I am.
I'm sorry.
ugh!
I may only be 15 but I know that
I'm deeply in love and
my future was ruined by the past generation.

They say history repeats itself.
I thought that meant there were a few generations in between.
Apparently not.

"If you love it, set it free.
If it comes back, it was meant to be"

Are you that stupid?
Maybe you were just hit too hard by cupid.
I am a bear trap.
Your foot was caught.
You were set free,
Then you came back to me.

What idiot sticks their foot back in a
Beartrap?
What idiot falls in love with someone like me?

Is it just going to continue?
The same cycle repeats
Like scratched CD.
It all crashes down
and I'm stuck beneath.

Lost, confused.
All I can think of is you.
Because of you, it's an endless spiral.
Our ship-name has gone viral.

Red Rover, Red Rover
it happens over and over.
Don't think it'll ever end.
So here we go again.

Are we meant to be
Or is that just what we believe?
Is it meant to be us in the end?
Overthinking.
**** it, not again.
Will this end badly?
Will our hearts get broken again,
Or is it going to end with me in a white dress?
Still overthinking.
**** it, not again.
I care too much.
Not about me, but about you.
I don't want to break your heart.
Not this time. Never again.
**** it, not again.
I'm sorry for my..
Everything.
I'm sorry.
I want to talk about it but
**** it, not again.

You say that you've moved on
But our's is still your favorite song.
I can see your eyes light up when you hear my name.
You smile at everything I say.

Looks like yet again I've messed up.
Another sap has fallen deeply in love.
Don't act like you don't flirt.
Don't act like you're not looking down my shirt.

First, your jacket, then your hat, then your ring.
The way you show your affection makes my heart sting.
You know we're not together anymore
But I'm still the only girl you refuse to ignore.

******! I've really messed up!
All fun and games 'til someone falls in love.
Well ****.
Sweetie, looks like we've both lost!

I'm sorry we fell so hard in love.
To your parents, I guess I just wasn't enough.
Sorry your heart got broken.
This was a dream and we didn't want to be awoken.

I remember and feel a lot of dread
Because it was all my fault.
You never wanted to take the back things you said at all.

You said: " I look at you and I'm in love"
You thought we were soulmates; a match made from above
You said: "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
You never made it easy.

I can see your love still burns hot
It'd be a lie to say that mine does not.
I'm sorry it ended up this way.
I'm sorry I don't have much to say.

You gave me your heart.
I feel bad because it fell apart.
We'll both never be the same.
I feel like I'm the one to blame.

Why?
Why do you love me?
Why me?
Why do you want to hurt yourself like that?
With all my broken pieces
All my inner demons
You're better off running East
For who could ever love my beasts

I look beyond the horizon of his cheekbones.
I wade through the ocean in his irises.
His hair is sunshine above the sea.
His smile the treasures beneath.
He is a deserted island.
A rare sight; one of its kind.
Alone and shy.
This island.
Know it better than the back
Of my hand.
From the bright sand to its deepest secrets.
Blue is now my favorite color.
The beach is my favorite place.
I only like freckles when they're
On his face
I cry when the blue leaks on to the sand
I cry when the sand turns red.
I cry when he hurts.
When all is happy
And turns to a brighter hue
I love to just stare and become
Lost in blue.

I think I'm alive, but I can't even feel a heartbeat
And my soul feels cold despite the intense heat.
I thirst for a sense of sanity,
A sense of normal.
I can't find it and anytime
I ask someone for directions
They have no idea what I'm looking for...

And neither do I...

From her soft, fair skin
To her messy, curly hair.
Her soft, kind smile and
Her thin figure..
They all saw her as gentle beauty.
They don't know, do they?
They don't know that her scars don't come from her favorite rose bush.
They don't know how much she hates her "adorable" freckles.
They don't know that when she looks down at her body, she sees an elephant.
They don't know that she has never nor will she ever see herself as beautiful.
She doesn't understand what they see.
She doesn't understand what he sees.
You all have the story wrong.
She didn't fall in love with a beast.
The beasts were in her mind.

Hey.
Remember when we used to take out the old blue truck just because we could?
Remember when I'd wait patiently for you to come home from work with a tea party set up?
Remember when I would sleep in your bed just to be near you?
Remember when we would get on your motorcycle and take off with no destination?
Remember when we would wake up early to play in the snow and have hot chocolate afterward?
Remember when we both would get up early just to burn yard scraps?
Or our many trips to California?
All of our father-daughter moments?
I think about them a lot.
There's so much we didn't get to do together.
No father-daughter dance.
You didn't get to buy me my first car.
We didn't go on many of the trips you had planned.
You wanted to dance with me at my sweet sixteen.
You can't glare at my future prom date and give him the third degree.
You can't give me away at my wedding.
You'll never be a grandpa.
And you'll never know how much I miss you, Daddy.
It hurts my heart that you're gone, but it would hurt more if you were still suffering..