May it be known,
You whom giveth his all,

That this heart you seek
Does not seek yours

That the love you give
Is not given back

That the hope you hold
Will only hurt you

That the effort you put in
Has done nothing but wear you thin.

The heart you love
Still has lingering hope for another

The heart you cherish
No longer cherishes yours

The princess you seek
Does not wish to be courted
Or sit on your finest throne
As your queen

The love you deserve
Can not be found in her


So venture out and seek anew
So you may find the one right for you

Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall

Crumbling world
Under my feet
Has me feeling so small

Heart is shattered
My clothes tattered
I give up,**** it all

●○●○●

Used to be a bright bloom
Now only gloom
Where joy use to freely roam

Flower
Now slowly wilting
Misses the days of old

Days are so dark
Unrelenting
No longer she
Brave and bright and bold

○●○●○

Love was she
And she made people crazy

Their hearts unfurled
Their head afloat
Happiest beings in the world

Together two planted the seed
Thus she would soon begin to grow
She could be immortal
But how so
Honestly not many know

○○○○○

The girl who was always left.
Left out.
Left behind.
Left feeling unwanted.

She had so much love to give,
But was it too much
Or was it not good enough?

•••••
Alone.
Alone in her room she sat
A bottle in her hand
Staring at her collection

"Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall..."

"I can't imagine a life without you",
She told him.
Well, the unimaginable happened.
He left her.
She wept,
A rain so heavy for so long,
The dryest desert
Would turn to an ocean.
Long and hard, she wept for him.
She wept because she loved him.
She wept because she didn't want him to leave.
She wept because she wasn't enough.
She wept because
No matter what happened,
She could never hate him.
She loved  him
With every fiber of her being
And thought he did too.
•••
Though her heart continued to beat,
This was the day she died.

The bright sparkle that once
Lit up her eyes,
Shining from deep within her heart,
Darker than the blackest black
That day that her heart did crack.

The hope she once carried,
Turned into the heavy burden
Of knowing she would never
Love or be happy
Again.

Her heart,once so full of love,
Became the most empty
Yet most heavy
And weighed her down.
She wished
It no longer served its purpose,
For she did not want to feel again,
Nor did she want to live
Just to spend another day hurting.

Her genuine smile,
One that lit up a room,
Lighting up people within,
Had long gone,never to be seen again.
She merely faked it
So no one could see the truth.

Her laugh,
Contagious,it filled up a room.
Anyone who heard
Simply smiled and joined in.
Her laugh no longer spread joy,
She had none to give,
None to let out,
For her joy had left.

She still walked the earth,
But she wasn't quite alive.
○○○○○
Along came a boy who claimed to love her.
A friend that wanted to give her
Love
Joy
Peace
And the entire world..
He wanted to cherish her.
He wanted to heal her.

He had known no purer love
Than that from her heart..
He feared she was his last chance
At finding true love.

She had a big heart, but
It had been shattered
Left empty
Ripped out of her chest.
She was numb.
He wanted to make her feel again.

He kept persuing her
Over and over
She pushed him away
Again and again.
He was far too stubborn to stop..

But she didnt want love
Because love only leads to pain
And she wasnt ready to be hurt again
Though he promised he wouldnt.

She had nothing left to give,
Not even a smile.
Why did he want her so much?

He desperately longed for her;
Wanted to stand next to her
When the preacher read
"Until death do us part"

But Victor,
You cant have a corpse bride..

"Why did I ever
choose to fall in love?",
He asked her.

Without hesitation,
She showed him a glimmering piece of her own broken heart.

"Love isnt something we choose.
We miss a step,
Lose our footing,
And we're happy.
Falling for....
Who knows how long...
And then we get hurt.
But between the edge of the cliff
And the terrible fate below
Is such a wonderful experience
That takes you
Into such a warm embrace..
Until it..lets go.
..At least,
Thats how I see it"

And he who listened,
With a heart just as sore,
Knew she was right
Because she spoke from her heart.

"A quite painful endeavor,
Once you land",
He remarked.
All she could do was nod.
"I keep longing for that connection or love but I know it isnt going to come",
Left his lips suddenly.
"It will in its own time...
If you let it"

Scabbed scalp
Broken glasses
Scratches
Bruises
And missing hair patches

You yelled
Screamed
Blamed me
For what was not my fault
Why wouldn't you listen?

Why instead did you
Slap me
Rip out my hair
Demonize me
Hurt me

You wouldn't let go so I
Scratched
Bit
Dug in my nails
Drew blood
Anything to get away
From you

Thank God your sister stepped in.
Thank God she saved me from you.
Thank God she put you in your place.
Thank God.
But then?
You said you wanted to apologize
But that isnt what I saw
Or maybe I was blinded
By your big glowing gaslight..

Its one thing to demonize,
To make me the monster

Its one thing to scream in my face

Its one thing to tear me down with your words

And its one thing to physically hurt me

But its a whole other thing to tell me
That you hurting me
In all those ways
Was my fault
Instead of taking responsibility
Like a ******* adult

Making your ADULT child
Absolutely TERRIFIED
To be near you?

That's your fault.

So don't give me those big sad eyes
When I tell you "don't touch me"
Or I refuse a hug

This is your fault.

So now
I'm keeping my distance
Until I recover
From what YOU did.

The dried blood on my head
The missing hair
The migraine

The eyes that hurt from crying
The voice that hurts from trying
To get you to understand
That you've punished me enough
And not just with your hands
And that what happened
Was not my fault.

..when I woke up from nightmares
Of my abusers years before
You comforted me and said
"You're safe, theyre not here anymore"
I think about it now and then
Only to realize you're wrong
You're just like them.

Heart of stone.
Living
Within the corpse of a tree,
I mark my path.
One that can be
Removed.
Can completely vanish.
Can be
Rearranged.
I do what many can't;
I can change the past.
I can create
An alternate reality.
Words.
Pictures.
A humble creator.
-
But they use me.
They hurt me.
They break me.
They take me within their grasp,
Taking advantage of me;
My power of creation.
Using every bit of me they can..
-
Together, we write history
We rewrite it.
We change it.
We create a new future.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Beliefs.
I make it happen.
I store the memories
Of ones having come true.
I create.
But I keep memories
Tragedies.
Fantasies.
Rhythmic word.
All me.
-
But there is another.
One who is used,
Gifted with more control.
And over me,
They have picked this entity
And have put me down.
No longer needed.
No longer in use.
It is then I realized
I missed the abuse.

I saw your jacket today.
I never forgot about it,
Never put it away
But when I disappeared for a month
I didn't take it.
I wanted to...but didn't.
I didnt want the torn sleeves
To completely fall apart
Like I did
When you broke my heart...
•••
I didn't just see your jacket.
It's hanging by the hood on my bedpost.
It's always there, but I often disregard..
But when I leaned down,
I braced myself on my bedpost.
I look up
And I realize the soft hood
Rests under my hand.
Made me think of
How much you always supported me
•••
I saw your jacket today
And honestly, I froze.
I couldn't move,
My body, cold.
The only movement,
The tear down my cheek.
And because you arent here
To wipe them away like you used to
I wiped them away
With your tattered sleeve.
•••
I didn't take your jacket.
I took my friend's sweater.
You know,
The ex you were always suspicious of?
I took his sweater.
Why?
It was warm
And it was a piece of my hometown.
Somehow you knew he still loved me.
I knew, but I didn't care.
Even with the love I gave
Your jealousy still tore you away..
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I held it close.
I felt every soft fiber.
It was your favorite
black
Champion
jacket.
But you gave it to me
Because back then
I mattered more
But the more I wore it,
It tattered more..
But that didnt matter.

You gave it to me
wrapped around
your favorite stuffed penguin.
The one I still can't sleep without.
The one soaked in my tears.
It was once your treasure,
but you once treasured me more.
And I trying to fix the jacket
That was once wrapped around it
But the more i do,
The more it falls apart
And maybe the same is true with your heart.
Maybe I'm the one at fault.
No.
Youre the one that hurt me.
•••
It was you.
It was you,
But no matter what you do
I will always love you.
True
Unconditional
Unending
Love
Does not end because of one instance
Or even several.
I will always love you.
And when it comes to you
Loving me
I know its not true.
Because if it were
you wouldnt have left me.
You wouldnt be trying to forget me.
You wouldnt be getting high
Every night
To try and find
That feeling I gave you
When you looked in my eyes.
I know because i felt it too.
Two years of butterflies.
Dizziness.
The feeling of fireworks
When our skin touched.
The raw and untamed passion.
The purest love.
All these things that made us both
Feel so alive..
That you left behind
Like an emotional suicide.
And you choose drugs
Instead of admitting you were wrong.
You try to resurrect the joy
That you only ever felt with me
Convincing yourself
You dont need me
But we need each other.
We need each other
Because one without the other
Is in a deep
Dark
Miserable
Place
That they cant escape
While the other is writing poetry
Pretending she is okay
To not have you in her life
From day to day
The days get harder and harder
Because the one she needs
Claims he doesnt want her.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
I folded it up and put it away
In a safe place
Taking up a small bit of my closet space.
Wearing that jacket
Was like wearing your hug
But after all you've done
I don't want you to touch me.

And if one day
You decide you actually want me..
You clean yourself up,
Figure life out,
Get back on your feet
And decide what's missing is me..
If you truly want me
You better get on your knees
And cry at my feet
Because "sorry"
Isnt enough
For what you've done.
Because when you loved me
You showed me
I was nothing less than a queen
But dethroned me
Making me feel
Worthless
Ashamed
Ugly
But I realized
Im still a queen
Without you.
Show a girl her worth,
She'll never forget
No matter how much you may
"Regret"
•••
I do still love you...
No.
I still love who you once were
But I dont recognize you now.

But even if you were to become
The man I once loved
I would just turn you away
No matter what you may say
Because its me you betrayed
When you promised you would stay.

My heart has never been
A toy with which you should play.
And I honestly regret the day
I gave it to you and let you open it
Because I knew better
Than to fall in love.
I knew better and its not fair.
Its not fair
That I melted
When you would play with my hair
As you touched my skin..
When you would grab my sides and
Pull me in
And trick me into the
Best two years of my life.
Tricking me into thinking
I would one day be your wife.

But i wouldnt trade it for the world.
If i could go back, I'd do it again.
Just make sure it didnt end
Because I knew from the start
I never wanted to love again..
If it wasnt you.

So *******
For making me
Fall in love with you.

It was the best thing
That ever happened to me.
•••
I saw your jacket today.
And it still matters to me..
But I'm never wearing it again.

Forever and Always
It will sit
In the back of my closet.