What's wrong with me?
I procrastinate
And I cant think straight
No I dont need help
I can do this myself
My body aches
Im always in pain
My bones are four times older than my age
Its hard to sleep
I toss and turn
My eyelids are heavy but my brain
Is wide awake
I try to blame my mattress
But it is my own skin
That I am not comfortable in
And people will never understand how hard it is for me to be awake
Im always on the edge
But not always a bridge
I wish
Im always upset and angry and I dont know why
I blame my hyper sensitivity
Im consistently overwhelmed
By the ship in my head
That holds me at its helm
Stormy seas
Its hard to breathe
Around people
Because the monsters that people are
Away, I will stay far
For the monsters I live among
Would rather watch me be hung
And I cant handle their eyes
Because within them holds lies
And they will always try
To convince I'm not
Good
Strong
Pretty
Perfect
Enough
I want to not care what they think
But all I do is overthink
Which makes me tired
But my brain wont let me sleep
Help me
My legs will shake when I sit
But I cant stand
Because my knobby knees
Will crash like thunder
And then give out
Or I will start to dance
Without a tune
Because I need to let go
Of my negative energy
And then find
That I've gotten into a bind
Because there is a mess in my mind
And I will start a million projects
That never come to a finish line
And I am at the end of mine

As the day turns to dusk
And the mountains let out a heavy sigh,
I look out and wonder
If it will freeze again tonight.

As I look out to the small town
So engrained in my mind,
I wonder if the snow that blankets
Will get thicker tonight.

The star starts to slowly melt it away,
But the cold of the night will stray
And there will still be snow by the break of day

The chill swirls around my body,
Brushes through my hair,
And nibbles at my ears.
It picks up a few stray strands
As it carries on its way
To float past the frosted plants along the path.

As I walk through a world turned white,
I sometimes have to look away,
As the sun's reflection impairs my sight
From the bright expanse of field below me.
As my feet gently crunch in the wintery bliss,
The breeze will stroke my hair and leave with a kiss
Knowing that it will be missed
As the sun pushes it away
So that the sun may have a turn
To kiss my skin
And brighten the darkness within.

She hurt me again.
It was a dumb little fight.
With my dumb little sister.

She got in between.
She got really mean.
Like an animal
She took out her claws
And bared her teeth.

She started to yell.
She's not all there.
I could tell
As her angry dead eyes
Started to flare.
A flame you could hear
In the crack of her voice.

I was upset.
I was being passive-aggressive.
I told her she wasn't fair.
She spits in my face.
Then she got aggressive.

Sharp pain.
The left side of my head.
Ear started to ring.
Wanted to be dead.
Wanted to disappear.
My brain felt like it was vibrating
From getting hit in the ear.

Down to the ground.
Fetal position.
A thing I practiced
More than other children
I knew they were yelling
But not what they were saying
Mine was pounding.

Could finally hear.
Obey to stay safe.
I try to get up.
Attacked again.

Pulling at my shirt
My hair
Claws digging in.
She wanted to hurt me.
I forgot she was human.
I forgot everything
And tried to escape.

Finally got away
Someone stood in.
She barked in their face.
They went down the hall.

I wanted to hide.
I was afraid to move.
I ran.
I ran to the backyard.
I found my sister crying.
Curled in a ball.

I took off my sweater for her
In it, she hid.
I twisted my limbs around her
This will traumatize her
When she grows out of being a kid.

Later we were found.
Pulled back into the monster's house.
"**** it up and go to bed"
Without another peep
We silently cried ourselves to sleep.

My eyes burn.
I'm weak.
I'm sore

Mom
Why don't you love us anymore?

Future.
A future with you should excite me.
But..I...
My future and past are attacking my present.
I want to be with you,
But because of my past, Im afraid to.
Overthinking,
My mind is filled with
"What if"

My past haunts me
Makes the several possible outcomes for my-
Our future
Scary.
Terrifying.
Petrifying.

It's something I can seem to overcome
Because I'm overwhelmed.
It hard to admit..
But I'm...
I'm scared.
I'm lost.

You say to take a leap of faith.
But I need to see
Where my feet will land

I don't understand.
The once sturdy ground has turned to sand.
My feet sink in
And so do your words.

I don't understand.
Don't you still love me?
Do I no longer make you happy?
What's wrong with me?
Am I not enough?

I don't understand.
I know life is rough.
I know you feel lost.
But please don't push me away.

I don't understand.
Why do I have to keep convincing you to stay?
Several times you've tried to leave,
And then turn around and tell me you love me.

I'm sorry mom.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my grades don't match my IQ.
I'm sorry I can't keep my grades up.
I'm sorry that no matter what I do it's not enough.
I'm sorry that I'd rather express
How I feel
Then get stuck in a desk.
I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
I'm sorry, but I'll never wear a dress.
Voluntarily.
I'm sorry that the color black
And the boy you don't approve of
make me happy
I'm sorry I'm not normal
Color is depressing.
Darkness is happiness.
Sorry, but I'm not perfect.
I never will be.
All I ask
Is for you to love and support me.
*
I'm a sorry dad.
I'm sorry I can't be strong enough.
I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made.
I'm sorry for what I've done.
I'm sorry that we didn't have more time together.
I'm sorry for my carelessness.
I'm sorry because I know that if you were here,
I'd be a disappointment
and you would disown me.
I'm sorry that I haven't been motivated.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not enough.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
I'm sorry that I have shut everyone out.
I'm sorry that I need you now that you're gone.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry for all the sacrifices you had to make for me.
.....
I'm sorry
.....
I understand
If you don't accept my apology
Because who would want empty words
From a disappointment like me?

I can't wait to see you again.
For us to hold each other tight.
For everything to be perfect,
Even if it's just for one night.

I've made all the arrangements.
Everything is set.
Everything is ready
For our best night yet.

Dark room.
Colorful lights.
Loud music.
Sweaty teens.
All wearing something expensive
That they will only wear once.
A night they'll remember
Until prom the same year.
But all that matters
Is you and I, my dear.

As the speakers blare
And the sound and lights dance around us
Despite the crowd,
There is only us.