Without remorse...
I have danced with the feeling of neglect, and toyed with self pressure over others, on what they could perceive me to become.

I slowly become what I'm not.
And lose sense of self, daily, now I've prided myself with failure, as it has become the only thing constant in my life.
I want to move forward, but i do not know the way.
My thoughts betray me, as I'm an over-thinker, on... Well "everything"
I die while living, now my future has been placed on hold.
And now my present, presents me with constant responsibilities.
I think l, I'm beginning to hate my life.
Surrounded by lots of people.
Yet i feel, utter loneliness.

I can be on your own level
And flirt, and make small talks.
And laugh!
Be petty even...
But if you spit the "love" talk towards me.
I'm killing your vibes.
My frequency doesn't come up,
On your radio channels.

I do not feel...
like myself,
Anymore.

Contempt was 'him'
In winter on an apocalyptic evening
When the sky bled crimson.
Emptiness was 'his' cold lips over mine,
It was like a rock song to a baby.
Feelings??
What are those??

As versatile as our minds, being in an odd sync... Traveled.
We saw each other for who we were.
Or at least i did.
As memory serves, you proposed forever.
But forever is a long time.
In my vast memory, a memory without verses and in contradicting our own universe.
Like a memory verse, you stuck to my head, even after you were gone.
I recited you back into my life, and clung on-to the petty hope.
A hope filled with despair.
We would've been a great pair.
Now like a memory not needed, I'll put you in a vase.
And slowly erase you, like a memory-verse!

I will light you a candle, each time you say, you care.
And i will mourn those words.
I have sugarcoated my pain, with droplets of virtual honey.
Now your hurtful words taste like caramel on a lonely night.
I pray you feel as miserable as you thought, you've made me feel.
Loneliness, is not spelling the words right, with blurry eyes from a damp sheet, filled with leftover tears!
I am a woman, in need of love, attention and sometimes, petty things.
I'm not perfect, but i try!
I'm strong on some days...
But i cry!
And if there was a next life, I'd like to not exist!

We always fall in love.
But we never fall out of it.

I stood up, in love.
Since all we do is beat around the bush, for heartless things, we used our hearts, less for!
I can't live with you, but I'd die without you.
What's left to smile about, when the man of my dreams, slowly walked into my nightmare.
I hate you, but if you kiss me...
Something asleep in me, might wake.
Stop coming close to me.
I can smell the cologne of your audacity.
I love you, but it's for my own benefit... That you shouldn't know.

I can't remember what I'm here for
I only feel heartbroken, listening to love songs.
I only get lonely, when I'm around people.
I feel disgust, when i fall in love.

When all the love is doubtful...
Life becomes a state of suspended animation.
I start to think...
Maybe I'm an irony, to all things good.

Third gimmick:

I see... So this is life??
What life??
The jokes i used to laugh to before.
Are not funny anymore!
Even life feels like death, and death seems to be calling out warmth!
I often fantasize about myself, Alive.
Like i was an undead corpse!
Furthermore a path i found, was closed by a path that found me!
Not once, has anyone ever asked me, what i wanted.
All they ever do is look at me an assume. I need directions, but they assume i know.
I need help, but I'm assumed to be independent.
At this pace, i might lose my beauty to an ugly situation!

Second gimmick:
A cup half empty, can also be a cup half full.
Depending the who feels the pain, it can either be great, or less.
So, to the path of an independent woman, i stand on, not walking... Standing.
With eyes full of shame, i stand within myself, shameful.
Ashamed of my full self.
Of a how a 'fool' i was.
I tool i am.
A help meet, but i cannot get, even meat.
No matter how i beg for help!
If life is a movie
Then i was the side character, who wasn't casted, no screen time.
I'll be the missing script!

First gimmick:
"I am beautiful, am i beautiful"??
Says the mirror, each time i blink at it.
An image i see of myself, can't be compared to what others see!
"An utter disgrace"
I seem fallen, maybe i am a fallen angel.
But even Lucifer, as a fallen, still has his light and grace.
So tell me  why do i look like someone else's misfortune??
I am a woman by day, and night, a girl drowning in her own tears.
On soaked silk sheets!

Pheeew...
At this point, i feel like, i wrote the entire book of lamentations.
They say a Father's love extends, and it's on-ending.
Tch, we called you father
You called us servants... Messengers
Look at who you call children though.
Am i jealous??
**** yes!! Wouldn't you be??
Was i so wrong??
Isn't every parents wish, for their children to surpass them.
Or so i thought.
So i wanted to take your position, it felt cool to be the first for once, so i took the opportunity.
Except maybe, you never actually saw me as a child.
We were in this together, through the time i was made eons ago, i watched the others formed into creation.
And because of that... It got into my head!

Without stain, without flaws.
Without blemishes, and with awes.
I stood at the peak, with no equal, except being second only to you.
In every way!
I leave a bright scent of indescribable perfumes, when i appear.
I'm beautiful, and the word doesn't even suit me.
I am the warmth in winter, the calm wind that soothes the mind.
That rest, you yearn for after a long day.
I am the calm in the storm, the complete life-form, there's none like me.
Yet, see how I've been reduced, they even sketch and paint me, looking like I've got horns and ugly.
All cause i fell.

My name has become the next best thing.
Synonymous to any, every and all things horrible, bad and has nothing to to with me.
Who's fault is that??
You created beings to spite me, but they behave in ways that are and still even worse than what i did.
Talk about loving, discrimination.
Pathetic, little and finite lifeforms, that barely see a century, also who disregard your love for them.
And follow after frivolities.
**** this, i know i did wrong, but wasn't this also included in your great plan??

People call it a fall.
****, i was sent down like a burnt match stick into a dumbster!
I am lucifer... The so-called
"Lord of the light"
Says you, who casted me into darkness, with a home so hot, that my regeneration can't keep up.
My fall was, thus, your second verse in your book.
Almighty in your thoughts, name and actions, and you still couldn't turn a blind eye to the actions of an over privilege kid.
I didn't introduce evil into the white golden land.
So ask yourself... Who did??

At some point in everyone's life
They need to be with someone
Or something.
A friend, a lover... Even an enemy
A teddy if you must!
An imaginary friend or an alien.
Everyone needs love at some point.


But not me.!
Please, stay away from me.!!
Thanks.

You probably won't believe it.
But the art runs through all that breathes.
Write something, anything would do
Rhyme if you must, a song lyric
An original content of pure, uncut words...
Write, even if it's gibberish, poetry criticizes, but only to make us better, every mistake, is a new form of writing.
So, write something before you die.

Even if it's a sucide note!
Write!

I Sully everything i see...
I stain everything i touch
I leave pain in my wake, in all the hearts I've visited.
I'm the bringer of sadness...
The entity that shuts your lights out.
I am the room that takes your smiles and trade them for despair.
The utter embodiment of depravity
I am the boat man, at river Styx.
The one who knows no love
And the one who love, refuses to get close to.
I am neither here nor there, the complete definition of lost love.
I am death.
I am a poet in transit...

Like a raging tsunami that consistently hits asia.
They'll speak of it, till it fades.
Your fame, either the right or wrong way, will bring them to notice.
As long as it benefits e'm, they'll stick.
When it's for your sake, they'll make you sick.
It'll be like loving someone you hate.
They'll preach about how true friendship is.
Call you "love"
Like Romeo and Juliet...
But you know, Romeo and Juliet wasn't a love story.
And like this poem, it didn't end well.
People want to change, in fact, we do Change...
But others will never stop seeing you with the same eyes, that they saw you with in the past.
People will talk, no matter what!

I've discovered, most often than none.
That, I'm a ***, a desperate ***.
I immerse myself in a consistent situation, where I'm not even consistent, with my consistency.

I'm a ***** for the things, i go back to, on different intervals, never sticking to a decision made.

I ******* myself to irrelevances, and deviate from my goals.
I procrastinate my soul, and i'm frolicking with time, that i do not have.
I often wonder, what else would i be...
If not this!??
But at least, I'm no hypocrite, and I'm true to myself. I'm a proud ***, and i, won't pretend to be good, just so the world wouldn't judge me!
I'm a ***!

Sometimes, hate is good. It can prove as an excellent motivation to strive.
Most often than none, love isn't always enough.
I could write a couple of things about how love does this or that...
But reality *****!

I recently discovered, that i smile the most.
When I'm in the worse life challenges.

But you know, when you hit rock-bottom.
There's only one place, left to go...
Up!!

I am the start of my own line...
Not a descendant, but the beginning of an ancestral reign.
I'm only called weird because i see things and analyze them differently.
I cannot be like the rest.
After all, only dead fishes go with the flow!

I'm pretty sure the word is underated
Too frequently used, that we forget to attach a meaning while saying it.
The sole proprietors of sentiments
The quintessence of woman-hood.
The utter embodiment of love.
The spitting images of all things "care"
And the place where all happiness are fulfilled.
The ones who sat and washed our infant heads, from infancy to adults, they still wash us up in their own way.
Her embrace, gives you warmth, erases a blizzard from our aching hearts.
The ones who say "i love you" by adding an additional serving of food to you.
Our falling pillers, who helps us stand, despite falling.
We may not always see eye, to eyes or say it, but...
I love you!
This is an ode, to African mothers. Our back bones!

Fifth note:

Haha...
I realized today, that I'm not lonely.
I just have nobody!
For the fifth time this year I've resurrected my hunger for nothing.
I've smiled so much that it feels odd now.
So, i now open my heart and accept that...
"Yes indeed, i am a walking obituary"
I bet if i rapture today...
The gods wouldn't know i existed.
So now, i smile a teary smile.

Could you cuddle me...
But not just with your body, do it with passion from your eyes, and think of me even while I'm there with you.
Kiss me like as though,
Your lips has pledged allegiance for me.
Spoon me from behind, and let our thighs slip underneath, against each other.
Let our body play the stings of a violin
And produce Melodies untold
Love me tenderly and hold me like you're elderly.
I want to look at you, just enough, so that other girls will have nothing left, to see of you.
My favorite color is you.
So, Let our *** become conversations
Of unrecorded desires.

Fourth note:

So... They say love comes with the season.
Then how come it's only one season here??
Season of tears.
I realized, how "chores are things a person does and isn't noticed, until the person stops doing them".
If i take another step from this bridge into this river.
Would someone notice me??
Life has ups and downs, so how come I've only ever been looking down?
When you hit a child, either out of love or reproach.
I won't change the fact, that it hurt regardless.
So please... Anyone.
Someone... Give me a hug.

Third note:

It wasn't so long ago, my heart froze, like jack frost passed by!
I have now become the embodiment of loneliness.
No matter how i explain where it hurts to others, they still don't understand.
So now, i know how to accept the taste of my tears, "sweet in another way"
Bitter is happiness, and tasty is the mother of pain's milk, that flows from her bare breast.
I have now come to understand, that depression, is a salvation into doom.

Second note:
Do you think, that maybe,
Just maybe, if i die... I'd be left alone??
I wouldn't have to listen to the soft, cold, voice of silence...
Like a taciturn wind and waves splashing on rocks by the river bank.
Some say, "God wouldn't give you problems you cannot handle"
So, why do i choke on my blessings and lose to my demons.
Depression is like an inspiration to give up.

First note:

Oh, but when you said i could fall...
In love!
You never mentioned, that no one else had ever survived the fall.
My chest feels like, a tsunami about to hit china.
I knew loving you wouldn't be easy...
But even lucifer survived the fall.
They say the "journey of a thousand miles begins with a step".
But...
What am i supposed to do if i have no feet??

Do you know it's been, ** days since you left??
You were right you know, I'm a ****** poet.
But john, i don't cry anymore like a baby.
But when i think of you, i look like how babies cry for milk.
Dear john, i still haven't finished the anime we started together.
It feels like the main character is dead.
Did you isekai by chance?
Dear john, will i be owkai??
Dear john, don't you think you're a bit selfish?? Dying all up on your own.
Seeing the cold razor-sharp edge of a short blade, on the floor, close to yhur now cold body.
Strangely i felt Warm, i was putting on your hoodie of shame.
Dear john, does it mean that God couldn't answer your prayers so you went to ask him instead??
But dear john??
Who would remember you, after my blade takes a deep dive into my veins??

The difference between a poet and art is the individual.
The difference between a pastor and the imam,is the religion.
The difference between life and death, is greed.
And the difference between love and hurt, is time!

There's little left to write...
That hasn't already been written.
So I'll say this to you.
You are not worth all the love that i have to give.
It's not a brag!
It's self worth.
I didn't copy it...
It's self taught.
No longer would i bend a knee to a servant, when i can be Queen.

Read carefully...
If you collected a penny for every time i cried over you.
You'd be broke!
My love for you, withered like a fairy tale, a long time ago.
Each time i see you, i glow up like an anime character!!
Nah, that's a lie, i ***** in my own mouth.
You were like the rush a child gets from much sugar in take.
Now you're like the vinegar that was fed to Jesus!
I'd love to keep this false love going.
But I'm too lazy for the circle.
I'll just keep saying "i love you" so you could keep feeling like you're deceiving me.
But he who laughs last... Laughs what??
Nah, he who laughs last will be an idiot left alone in the room.
That's what you are right now.

You are you, and i am me!
You probably don't know, that i don't like walks in a park, but i do it for you.
The difference is...
You feed your ego with me.
But i love you whole.
You lie, even when i know it's the truth.
And i just smile at noon, but soak my pillows in eye liquids at nights.
You use me to satisfy your loneliness.
And other people too.
But i really have no one, so i cling up to a hope, that you might look at me, without the thought of me as a "pawn"
I keep trying to make us work
But you keep going to work on me.
The difference between us is.
I've mastered pain.
And you're a lost puppy.
The opposite of love is not hate.
It's to be taken for granted!

It's like a sumo wrestler, wearing lingerie.
Or a ship captain with a bicycle...
A love, for hatred.
Eating valentine's day chocolate, for easter.
Or giving a bible to an imam.
Your love was a constant reminder, that "smile, was indeed painful"
I'm glad you walked into my life.
You made me realize that love and i...
Are in a distant relationship, except!
We don't talk.
You're everything bad to my good.
And like serving cotton candy in a restaurant.
You and i!
We're things that don't fit.
Like a tear-in-a-cup-full.

If the sun was an original light source.
And the mood reflected it.
Then our love was like an abyss
Sad... Lonely, lost.
I often pride myself with adoration for you, i would pray to God and thank him for bringing you to me.
But no matter how hard i prayed
Or how hard i tried to shine my light on you, so you could reflect it.
In the end you always looked at me.
With those eyes.
Those "pathetic fool" eyes.
I knew i wasn't good enough.
But i gave you way more than deserved.
Way more than enough.
My light was wasted in your abyss
My love was wasted on you.
You just didn't deserve me.

A Casanova.
Toying with hearts as you please.
Too bad, you won't play with mine.
Rumors say that you're the embodiment of a lust-full soul
Who hunts after selfish means
And prey on everything "girl"
Rumors say, you're the one my parents warned me about.
I mean, my friends may be right.
But at least i should try
For myself, don't you think?
Rumors say you'll break my hearts to bits
But you know, even broken crayons
Still draw colors.
Rumors paint you three shades darker than black.
Guess what?? I have all the whites.
Rumors, rumors, rumors!!
Truth is, i love you.
And i love those dark rumors that comes with loving you.
Don't mind me, i just want.
The full package!

...
Who would she tell??
Who would've listen to her unbelievable story!?

The rain didn't come early.
So in the shower she stood.
Drips of crimson being washed away!
Both wrists open!
Leaning with the right shoulder, till her body went cold.

It became too long, so she stood up, got the first aid kit, and patched herself up.

For even death did not want her!
Then came the rain.

And she endured December.
Smiled for the new year.
Ate eggs for easter!
And waited for the rain.

So she could mix it with her dried up tears.
Happiness has become a distant memory.

For even the movie "joker" wouldn't play on her laptop!

On the rainy days.
She'll walk out intentionally
And scream out, like a banshee...
She'd beg God to take her life.

As she was too much of a coward
To commit suicide!

Even loneliness left her!

She would sit outside...
Before the rain, and weep!
Not cry! But weep.

So that if she's caught, she'd say:
"Oh it's just the rain"

Pain was her constant companion.

If joy was a form of sin.
I'd have been locked up in the deepeat parts of hell.

Imagining you walk past me
I felt like a background song...
I've dreamt dreams, that the god of dreams would not approve on.
Like a child with a runny nose, after eating a spicy meal.
It's how my heart melts each time i smell your presence.
And even though
You fade a little faster than you appear, it's enough.
I planned to write three poems today
But your name filled the wordings
Of all my A4's
Now I'm in a daze.
Is this love??
Or would it pass away??

Feeling the warmth of the sun.
Cold winter air, giving you goosebumps.

Scattered amongst the water bed.
Even in the singing of trees.
You exist everywhere but in me.

Original canvases that a painter would die for.
You... They call you; pure, nice, beautiful, awesome, yin and yang, chakra, mana, force, light vain, ki.
But widely you're known as "life"

We we're close together, you and i
But now people only talk about me, when you give up on them.

But it's fine, at least after they spend the little time they have with you.
I embrace them forever.

Christianity...
What is it exactly?? Lots of people take us for granted.
See us like weaklings cause we turn a blind eye to offenses and welcome the sinners.
I laugh.
If I'd get an opportunity, I'd like to add to the bible.
The book of "advanced testament"
Cause i don't quite get why i gotta turn the other cheek in the 21st century.
But i don't want to accompany lucifer as a pitch fork holder.
Why would i let you touch the first one even?
Oh lord forgive me...
But maybe you should take away grace for a moment, so folks can understand what ***** went through.
I'm a Christian not just by family bringing but by heart.
But if you test me and test God.
Ooh, I'll stop being a pacifist.
And turn the fist!

Yes i could have been a better person
But this is the path i chose.
Yes, I'm an introvert... And an introvert amongst introverts.
They say, "face your fears" but that's why i never look at my reflection.
Yes I'm a loner, what's wrong with it?
Yes, I don't believe in love...
Yes, i don't deserve love, but love me
Ah yes, i like to live.
But i prefer the joy of nothingness,
Like the waves lulling itself on a rock at the sea shores.
Yes I'm a poet. But my ink is red.

Yes!

I'm not exactly scared of being alone
I just don't want to be forgotten.
For the fear of loneliness i mingle
To not be hungry, i eat when it's not needed.
I crave love, so i love first, and cry later.
For the fear of falling in love wrongly
I stand tall and firm, alone.
For the fear or being hated for who i am, i pretend.
Maybe I'm meant to be lonely.
But does it have to be this bad??
Can't i just be loved a little bit...
I'm just lonely, alone! By myself

Someone say "i love you"
Please.

I can be the great ice...
Taking on the titanic
The great tsunami, flooding asia.
I can be like brimestone to gommorah
I could even be a rain storm on a Sunny day, changing the weather, and being unpredictable.
I could be like the wisdom of old men
And happily smile on sad days.
But each time i hear your voice,
Mine cracks a little
And i melt into a thousand pieces.
I stop at the shores of China...
Be a blizzard in soddom
And let the sun shine free on it's days
And when i listen to you speak again, even the wisdom of old men
Wouldn't be able to keep me from breaking.
You do things to me, without doing anything.
When i fell for you,
I think i bruised both knees.
It's a shame you couldn't fall.
You're still standing tall.

Maybe if I cried so hard
You would hear me.

Maybe if my tears become so much
You would drown in it.
...
.

That's what I am.
Like an art on a canvas.
Only just to be admired, nothing more.
Only pleasant to your eyes, when you saw fit.
My only existence was to satisfy your needs.
You could've at least looked at me with love in your eyes.
If You're going to cry wolf
You should mean it.
My anxiety became the only subject matter, and she gave me advices because you were never here.
I was only useful in a useless way.

I was useful in loving and supporting you.
But all of those were useless
Cause you still went back to her!