Well...
It's not fair, and I know he's our maker, but it's not fair!
I'm jealous that he made you and saw you before me!
I'm jealous that you talk to God more than me!
I don't mean any blaspheming, but I want to be omnipresent to your eyes.
Through your eyes, you may see me as God!
I'm jealous that the first words you uttered weren't my name, you see I like how you call my name, how the letters roll down your tongue.
I'm jealous of myself for not seeing you nearly enough!
I'm jealous your mum spent more time with you before you existed!
I'm jealous that other men come up to you, I mean look at you!
Oh the sun rays, the brittle gentle touch of the wind on your skin, I'm even jealous that you touch your body more than I do!
I'm so jealous...

Every conscious breath
Every lingering desire...
Every tale where you are in it
You are my colour, my tribe, my culture.
My very tradition, you are my religion.
I'll offer worship and piety to you
You are my present and the only future I see!
You are my life style, without you my life would be without style
I'm not blaspheming here, but you are my god!
If my heart was dusted for prints, they find yours stamped there!
My lips would endlessly run dry without your kisses.
Replace all your characters in all your favorite books with me!
I could play with words all day, but the truth is you're just stunning...
So baby, call me... anytime!
And I'll come running

I often think of the words Ellen Everett left behind.
"If you're looking for forever
I'll take the batteries out of my clock so that we'll be stuck inside this moment, as if time really stopped!
I would tell you I love every second, except here seconds do not exist! So I'll say ' I love you ' with each breath, each smile, with each kiss! And when I die you can crank your watch, restart the clocks, begin the time and know that we were infinite in the moment that you were mine...

There's sentiment in the way you talk
In every breath I watch you take.
You exist in me, in the words, the sounds and even in colours!
They say "love is blind"
And if so...
I'd like to love you in braille.

A heart does not break
It just slowly fades away...
It fades everytime it hurts

I may not have all the experiences in the world...
But I know love
And I know pain

So even if there's pain in love!
I'll still choose love!

I'm certain now that I'm here
I haven't made a mistake, at least not one I'm aware!
Smart people don't fall in love, not really!
So call me stupid for trying to die with you...
I love you stupidly, I love you egotistically, I love you sentimentally.

If I should live, you'd have to be in it, if I live while you die, I'd be incomplete with a hole.
It'll sting and endlessly burn like brimstone and coal
So let me die with you, I'd rather be wholesome with you in death, than be empty in a life where you don't exist!

Let us complete each other in the absence of life!
I love you even in death
I love the way we'll die close to each other.

Often times than none, we mistake what the feeling is.
We try to put the unknown into words.
It could be a torrent, a tsunami about to hit Japan
Some sort of sacrifice, it could be a selfish act to preserve one's special somebody!
But it's present everywhere.
Love!!
So, should there be a need to tolerate
If loves is present??

If the eyes are the window to the soul
Then I guess that, my soul would never be seen.
You see, when I fell in love with you, I became blind to your faults.

I write dark words, so I can feel light.
But if you're looking for light, then you should avert your gaze from me!

I look down on people cause I'm taller.
But I cannot be someone you look up to.

I'll use your waters to quench my thirst.
But I will leave you parched if you need my help.

I will now take all your kindness and leave you barren
I'll return it to you with wickedness
Then I'll deprive myself of the sleep!

I've seen the love you had to give.
It was a painful one.
Now I want to be the one giving it.

I thought I was a child of the light.
But darkness feeds off of me!
It's meticulous, and meticulously contaminating what's left of the reflection... Reflection of the light I once possessed.
These days my demons are bored
They say every time they chase me...
I don't run!
I hope for nothing, I seek nothing!
So whenever I get drained by the darkness, I start to bleed words on a paper!

Slowly the rumors, when talked about enough... Would start to be the truth.
The truth would try to prove itself, but would start sounding like a lie.
A lie whose value is dying, would start to work extra ******* itself...
Then instead of renovation, we'll keep breaking down this world.
It's messy and messed up

Oh beautiful boy in denial...
Would you continue to hurt other girls??
Would you lie about your feelings??
Will you still put a smirk on your face, when she presses the cold razor blade on her skin, and watch it sink deep into her veins,
There as she bleeds out and think.
"I thought he was mine alone"
Call it stupid of her, but not everyone deals with hurt the right way.
Oh, there's no right way to deal with hurt.
Oh lover boy...
Would you continue to abuse the word
"Love"!?
How many girls will that lie confuse until you're satisfied.
Then your own daughter!!
What about her!??
When someone as good or worse than you come for her.
What would you say?? Will she make pain her friend, or will she use a sharp blade to meet her end??
What about your daughter?? What about her??

As she started to trace her steps...
She discovered that she was back on the same trail.
The one that led to her fall.
Well, now she's back where she started.
On the ground again.
And trying to fake a smile
Was like trying to heal a scar with a bandage.
She was a girl in passing...
She was a lady in limbo, and although other people see her.
She does not see them.
Even with her love for bright colors, she couldn't find the grey area in her pain.
Her love was lost!

"If the doves symbolize peace and calmness.
Women symbolize a perfect blend of complicated and simple natured."

After a while, she'll accept you on her own!
Put in those efforts though, you cannot make her not see you as other guys...
She'll choose that on her own, you'll never know the exact mode, and even when you do, you still might be wrong.
They want to be understood, but hate it when you understand all of them.
Let them feel vulnerable in your arms and hope that you're strong and caring enough to not let them break.
Women trust you even if they know you'll hurt them.
Well some.

Like the butterfly's wings, if you listen carefully, you can hear her heart speaking in unknown tongues.

"She has all her walls up"
You have no idea of things she had to go through, to make her build those up
The constant hurt
The road to rebuilding her self-esteem that she gave out, and got broken shards of different part of herself.
Her walls need to be up, so despicable excuses for humans like most men won't get her.
They won't inflict the hurt, the one that made her hurt.
The hurt connected to her "opening up" personality.
You should respect her decision.
Stay away.

Her eyes, look like dawn in a very bad mood.
Het smile takes the mind places the body wouldn't think existed.

Women can be a natural blend of crazy and an unnatural blend of warmth, but they mic so well.
"Look at her clothes, isn't it a bit too revealing??" Close your eyes then.
It's alright to stare, but when it becomes a stare with intent,
With lust...
With a judgemental glare!
That's the line, she's free to wear whatever and whenever!
Respect her body!!
Respect her personality under those clothes you think are coquettish on her.
Stay your away your fetish
By the way, why do you get to have a say??

It must have been the illuminating light from Lucifer's fall.
She radiated beauty
I don't think I'll need a radioactive detox.

A woman, such strong-fragile existences.
Passive to their stubborn nature although not all...
Doesn't give a man the right to impose or not respect their wishes.
If she gives her heart to you, do not arrest her with cardiac.
She should be treated like the sun when there's winter.
And like the sea breeze when it's summer.
Never neglect her feelings and opinion.
After all they brought us out the garden. They can do more!

Was there ever a time when you felt like you needed to get away?
When you were left alone in your head?
Where you kept feeling like the world was against you.
Sending you trials and tribulations, making your efforts, effortless.
Depression pressing on you, like a compressed load of oppressed dialogues, without a single sense in it?

Take all of those!
I think... No! I feel all of those now.
But I cannot tell it to the world.
They'll think that I'm a girl in my head!

I took a peak from a far away place, very close by!
Your heart, it reeked of pale sadness
And I was laughing out loud, so much!
Too much even...
And I decided to increase the pitch
So that the wind would take it to you
You'd hear it, I hope it makes you smile.
I hope you wonder, what sort of laughter is that loud, I hope you smile upon imagining what's got me giggling.
Then I hope you start to smile so wide I could spot if from the back of your head.
I hope the smile turns into a low chuckle
I want that chuckle to go on for minutes and turn into giggles.
Now laugh so hard that your tummy tightens and begin to hurt a bit.
Since no one has mastered happiness, there's no such thing as too much joy.
Now laugh until your pale heart recognizes that warmth.
Even if for that moment, I hope my laughter triggers yours and you forget that you were sad.
I know you're hurting...
I see you.

I want to go out...
Wish I had extra energy to hang out.
My comfort, my sweet bed
The softness that makes me forget I've got work to do.

I want to go out...
Hehe, go out to what??
Do you see the people out there??
There are out there so I can be in here
I do not belong with the "Extros"
I wonder how they feel when they go out of their comfort zone.
Nah, I don't, I don't even care how they feel.
I want to scream some days, but I'm too lazy to open my mouth and let sounds out, so I just... "Meh" the day away!

I want to go out...
I need me a vacation, a super occasion
One that takes away validation of an "intro"
But there are perverts out there, and they'll intrude in my "vert"
Why should I go out to meet the outside people when they won't come inside, I don't even want them inside.
I'm not confused, maybe just a little bit.
But please, don't call me out. I'll hate you 🙂
I wannnnnt to go out!
And so the days go by, and I've only gone out in my head.

If mood swings were someone, it'd be you.
I bet if forensics dust my heart, they'd find your prints.
In a song with the worse lyrics, I think of you... I think of how if you were mentioned in the song it would've sounded better.
I think of you when I see a night without starts.
I think to myself, "what if you were here, maybe the starts would come out"
I think of you when I see you, cause I want to see you ever time and all the you(s) that you hide under that smile.
Whenever I think about a smile, I picture yours
It spreads in my head like colors dancing on a canvas.
When I think of canvases I see your reflection.
When I think about reflections, I picture your silhouette living like a parasite in my memory.
When I reminisce about memories, all I see is our hands locked, and you separating them, just so you can come closer.
When I see people becoming closer, I wonder if we could become even closer than that.
That! That time where I was in my own world until you saw me, saw who I really am.
Am I still the one for you, I often wonder while yhu're on me...
And I'm under!

my heart's been stolen, and not in the cliche way...
i'm pretty sure that if you run forensics they'll find foot prints leaving
they'll find your finger prints at the place my heart once laid.
your eyes are so beautiful that when i first saw them...
i felt how useless mine were, that i almost couldn't open them up
let me stare at you from afar
let me wonder how it would be like, for you to like someone like me
i know you've got a ton of people lining up to get your attention
but if after all your options are exhausted
and you feel like you need something new
then, please consider me!

all of a sudden you started to show up for me
just when i gave up on us
the only feeling i have towards you... is pity.
a pity that i lost you, but more pity cause you never had me
one day i stopped crying, stopped wishing
one day i remembered that i was too much for you
the only happy memory i had...
were those that you were absent from.
and One day, my heart left you, and came back to me.
love shouldn't exist for you.

i think there's something urgently wrong with me
the sudden need to drive further ways from my heart
i cannot seem to follow my heart these days...
all the roads i created
all that my heart is connected to,
all the roads lead right to you

but...
i still cannot follow my heart

she's a 10 but...
9 other times, she falls short of the way she's rated by the guys she has been with.
and 8 of those times she has been misunderstood by people she's met over the years.
7 other times, she's taciturn and not upfront of her feelings...
as she a little rough around the edges, clumsy if you're close enough to observe.
6 other imperfections have made her into an introvert...
she doesn't mind the way they look at her, or how bad her reputation is.
because 5 of the time she's feeding her pillow every night, with lonely tears, expecting it to grow like a plum blossom in spring...
4 times a day she's lonely...
ever so wanting to be needed
3 times daily she wonders about why her life feels empty, it feels stagnant and cold.
dependent on no one, while the in-dependency fails her in crucial times.
she's awesome in the most beautiful ways possible, on 2 occasions
she's the essence of a pure craziness and the epitome of all things good.
and most of all, there's none like her, even with all her flaws
she's the only 1 of her type!

wheww...
"How are you today??, or everyday"
would it be alright if i gave the usual answer??
"hmm??"
i am pretending to be fine...
"pretending?? why though??"
these days, i feel like a stagnant water
i feel like i'm lost at a road filled with many paths to take
"oh my, that's a dilemma"
"hmmm. but why not pick one path to take??"
what if i fail again? what if it's the wrong one??
"but what if it's the right one"
all the roads on those paths lead right back to me, the start point
i want to cry, i want to scream
i want to say how i feel
but there's no audience!!
"try talking to me then"
to us?
"your demons aren't always out to get you, most times, we want company too!"
but i have the demons from other people too!
"oh, those guys??"
"we'll accommodate them too, just talk"
...
i want to be loved!

I am blind...
too blind, blinded by the way yhu love me,
so let me feel like you.
let me take the fall if it brings you joy
let me hold you with my words...
hold me in your heart
so bold enough, so that i... who is blind in love,
can feel you, like a blind man
just like a blind man, let me love you in braille

it's complicated in such a simple way...
the fights
the banter, the aimless struggle
the fights over little nothing(s)
staring at each other doing nothing,
our little laughs, our shared stories
our time spent,m and even then, the time we waste too

what does forever mean to you??
to me... forever is every time i see you.

supersonic is the wave of endless spite, tossed at the corner room of a girl, with pain  as her nick-name.
soothing! is the heart that held her without blemish
wicked! was the noise you made on her needful nap.
and when it's all said and executed
you'd say, "i didn't know that you were going through depression"
"if only you'd have spoken up, maybe we would've helped"
pretty sure that you didn't know she was in pain even after the eye bags, of tearful nights.
the untimely and increase of silver blade cuts on her wrists, didn't paint a picture for them.

crimson was the pool she was in...
unspoken was the word she could've said
unread was the note she left behind.
"i didn't know" she was suicidal.

I want to love!
The kind of love that doesn't make sense.
The love that leaves you in nirvana
.
.
.
.
.
.....
...
.
Don't fall in love with me though.
That'll be sad!
For i know myself, i was the cause of ragnarok in my own heart.
Laufeyjarson!!😂

I want to be with you, but being without you is sweeter!
On the eve of an almost ended November, you placed your lips on mine, and suddenly we began to make overlaps and wetness filled the scenery.
Your heartbeats, so fast it felt like  background music!
Your eyes, said "our last kiss"
It was tasteless 'the kiss'
Our love life filled with life and vigor,
It was loveless... Not knowing who loved less!
On a sunny sunday, where there was no sun!
You shone, and suddenly my butterflies grew wings.
Like ikaris they flew too close to the sun.
Suddenly you left!
And now the birds don't sing anymore, the rivers became as still as a lake.
The sun refused to cry sweet heat of hotness hitting *****.
Since you left, i started to leave my life
Suddenly!!

To an unbeliever, who believes in the things that everyone thinks unbelievable.
I see you staring.
At me, but in trance...
To the boy who constantly thinks that if he gives me enough time and attention, he could have priority with me!
To the world that judged me before i even stepped into it.
To society that tells you what to be
But not how to be it.
To religion who thinks I'm sinful for not doing the needful,
In their own way.
To the hypocrite in me who tries to socialize, even though I'm an "antisocial" introvert.
Well, well, well...
Look at me now, I'm ruining all your expectations of me!

This is the end of love...
Cause I've dabbled in infatuation...
I can tell what love is
This is not genuine, so let's play pretend.
Tell me you love me, and let me fake a smile
In my need to be loved, and crave attention, i want you to love me, like it's my last day on earth.
Kiss my freckled lips with warmth.
Touch those melanin thighs with contempt.
And even if i know you're not worth having me!
I give myself to you, since it's you i want.
I can't stand the gaze upon you.
But without your presence, I'll asphyxiate myself!

Love is a sin...

Sun rays in the morning, smelling dew with a hot coffee to go with.
Cannot be compared to the quintessential beauty you emit.
I can't lie you're so fine...!!
I bet God cursed for the first time when he made you.
He was like "holy smoking ****, I'm good"
I bet he resisted rest on the seventh day, just so he could design your smile.
Do you believe in love at first sight??
Or should i come back tomorrow??
Mon Cherie...
If i appear on judgment day, and I'm asked how i spent my life,
I'd say i spent it thinking about scenarios of us, about moments that won't happen, but I'd like to lie to myself.
Hey!??
I think I've lost my way, so...
Could you show me the way to your heart??

Smells of lavender filled the room
Pheromones going berserk...
Cold sweat slowly dropping down from the neck and his tongue to follow.
He pulls closer, grabbing from the hips
With an '***' quite over-sized for the body, 'D-cups' that make the silhouette fall in place from her *****.
Lips full fledged and a face to show that the creator is biased to her gender!
The ice... Melting slowly upon gentle impact on her belly, warm stream down to her thighs, and with a moan of relief, content and the longing for more.
Time was against the finger stroke by the rib cage, and the his lips, kissing her lips.
But underneath!!

Peter pan would be nothing
Without the lost boys.
Without the sun we'd freeze up
And without the moon, we'll burn down.

Just without life, I'd be one of the concubines of death.

Without you I'd be an empty husk, shelled off, left to dry underneath the desert sand.
But without me, you'd be like an amazon goddess with a choice, and happy!

Once i saw a woman who was blind
But could feel sight
She was mute, but her touch spake volumes.

Once i saw a deas woman, who was alive...
In the memories of those who remembered her.
I do not fear pain, nor death.
I do not fear Hatred or love.
I fear, that one day...
I'd be forgotten!!

Dear Diary...
I've been having some days full of sleep and insomnia nights.

Today, this morning, i woke up feeling like death!
and when i finally opened my eyes,
i kinda wished that was it was.

I hope tomorrow i can wake up feeling like life,
so i wouldn't wake up to realize
it's Death.

It was beautiful...
A wonderful bliss without blemishes.
When we were together, there was no better feeling.
We were the best toxic and most cutest thing alive.
We both hurt each other...
Maybe i hurt more, or you did.
But you did it with intentions, i just lingered in your heart, waiting for you to call me forth.
We got busy fast, talked less.
Distance played it's part, i couldn't care less!
But i still see you with those same eyes i used to.
And even if it's just some silver lining or a twist of fate.
Can we just hit Reset... Like it never happened.
Cause now that You're gone, my feelings dwell, like stagnant water.

Most often times than none. We try to understand what a woman wants...
And endless, needless dedication of time, staring into an abyss who won't even look back.
The pride of the gender exudes so much temptation, that's blocked only by their self esteem!
A woman, a fine blend of all things pure in an onholy manner.
The help "meet", who only meets you at the point of her own need, but is there for you regardless.
Now their complications wear a silhouette and pose for a camera with dead batteries.
A woman wears no original scent.
Only the one she thinks suits the occasion.
A woman, a mixture of all things petty and a cluster-****, to bring out a goddess or light.
They're both the sickness and the medicine.
Depends on their mood!

Flutters...
Wings  struggling to get higher while they fall.
The smell of rain drops after beating the soil into wetness.
The gloomy faces of humans, greed and persistency, correction and legal distortion.
The music of earth, blows harshly, taking the fallen leaves from the trees, which are dry now.
So their sounds makes a horrible melody, one that sounds like noise.
I hate this place, yet nostalgia keeps poking my curiosity.
What is?? The ex who left, and ex-ed another.
Or a place of my birth??
My utopia or my depraved dwelling.
Still, the town is still colorless, but because this is where we met.
The town looks like a warm chrome now, and i peak through our passage of time, i smile, but as i recall your death.
I cry!

To the slight tingling sensation, opening my eyes to half the illumination of the sun rays, branching in, through the wine colored curtains.
He strokes my hair with a smile...
"Good morning"
In a familiar voice, yet still feels new to my ears.
The vibrato that makes my pores open up like a parched animal in heat.
I lay on his chest for a while, he strokes my tighs, and my muscles and nerves wakes up with the morning.
"How was your night"
Speechless i lay, trying to look for the silver lining of how this cliche scenery looks, but i still cannot get enough.
He gets off, with a Melanin glow, like his cologne never left.
His silhouette screaming out of the robe he has on, like it was tailored to fit.
He bends over, with breath like mint on summer... He says:
"Want a shower"?? And i wonder how i ended up here!
So i wake up to myself
Wet and alone.!

Hello!!
Darkness, my old roommate
It's been, what seems like decades
It was only yesterday, that i moved out into the ***** of light... She was warm and kind, and soft, so soft...
Too soft, it felt unfamiliar.
So I've come back with my tail tucked between my thighs, thighs trembling as how awful i feel, cheating on you.
You're cold, but you are comfort
I thought that warmth was good, until it became to hot to bare.
I thought that hope was sweet until i got diabetes.
I've missed despair, and while people who haven't gone through it would think it bad.
It's better than the devil i do not know.
In light i could see, see all my flaws, but under you i could hide who i really am, from the world.
You are comfort, and this may seem depressing, but I've come back.
To fade into you, and allow nothingness caress my soft-warm heart into a cold one.
Because there were a lot of people who broke me into pieces showing me warmth, at least, I'm myself when I'm in you.
I realized, light isn't meant for everyone.

I often wonder what it would be like, to not be me, but observing "me"
From my own point if view.

So in the beginning, there was me!
And i grew two more personalities, but those personalities evolved into other personalities with an alter ego.
Which created other personalities.
Decision making has been an ordeal and trying to figure out which one came first was the issue.
All of them grew into demons, no Angels, just demons.
If i ever want to send a note to myself(s)
I'd say : "shut the **** up"

She wore moonlight, like a ball gown.
While the illumination dripped from above.
Her quintessential eloquence, brought her naked lips, looking like delicacy for a gourmet.
Her eyes gazing at the sky, looking like a shooting star, except going up.
If 'beauty' was a human, she'd be an exaggeration to the word.
A sound of her voice could calm the tsunami heading for east asia,
and when she calls my name, it feels like I've only heard it for the first time...
She used to be mine.
But she's gone, like the shooting star.
And i never made a wish.

I am that which can see, but is unseen, by those that see!
I am the cute bunny covered in dust, left by the toddler, who's now a teenager.
I am the wall, built around Jericho.
Yet i fall with a shout.
I am the one who decides, yet I'm the choice yhu cannot choose.
I am the un-loved, for those who crave love to look upon, yet i don't deserve love.
I provide joy for the faint of hearts, and uplift the depressed.
Yet I'm in solitude, having conversations, with my taciturn mind.
I am the ghost who is haunted by the living.
I fear, that one day...
I'll be forgotten.

It's nothing personal...
Yet! These days, i feel, like,
Love is a waste of time.