I hear you in the silence, see you in the darkness
Yet alone has never felt more lonesome than today
I bare the weight of a love-lost heart
And I dream of you. Dream of you.

Where do we go from here?
Where do we go when love is the fear
Where does this go from here?
I’m walking into places where I’ve only run away

This can only end badly.

Do you think there was a time I could have asked you the same thing
And got from you an answer something wildly differently?
Do you remember that first night together and that you did kiss me
Or is dunk a reason that you use to set your burdens free?
And when we sat alone in the dark my head creeping your seat
If I kissed you then, would you remember when?
The next time that we meet

Or would you have turned away?
Left me with nothing to say
Holding regret upon my face you’d walk from my disgrace
And leave me to where?
Well I already made it there.
And I didn’t have to try so hard to miss you in that regard
No, I found it anyway.
Now what should I say?

The next time that we meet

My mind is filled with memories of the future.
Of times with us, set to the tune of romance.
Creating moments as adults of an immature
Nature, laughing at every unfunny chance.
Lying together with your head on my arm
And hand placed on my chest
We both will fall to each other’s charm
As we finally put worries to rest.

I remember the first time we’ll hold hands.
Stealthily intertwining our fingers in reticence.
Halting, with a touch, moments and plans
For a memorial moment of precedence.
I’ll realize then I’ve been disarmed
Unable–‘though I’ve tried my best–
To hold back that which could be harmed
And let my feelings be expressed.

I remember the memories of imminence.
Of times of romance still to come.
And to the seeded fears of reverence
I will, for future’s sake, not succumb.

“You never write anymore,” she tells me.
“That’s not true.” I write all the time. I write on paper and pages, both real and digital, words meant for nothing more than to be deleted and thrown away. I write in my mind and from the heart. I scribble on my skin, tracing letters on my forearm with fingertips instead of ink. I jot down lines on napkins with straw pens filled with water or soda before throwing away soggy wipes of words that will never make it to the eyes of others. I draft stories in the shower or on the road that are forgotten long before the water runs cold or the drive flows home. I compose poetry in my sleep, dreaming of words and rhymes without meter or memory when my head lifts from the pillow. I write all day, constantly, indeliberately. But seldom do I share it.

I lay in bed listening to My Funny Valentine.
The soft tremble of the trumpet filled my ears
And I forgot, in that instant, what it was to be sad.
I drifted away from worry and consciousness
With an undying desire to be loved without risk of regret.

I let the bass pound in my head like a heartbeat
Tuning my soul to a melody of tranquility.
I closed my eyes and pictured the sound
With waves of light undulating in the darkness
Of my mind as a pathway to the new day ahead.

I drifted to sleep to the sounds of Django and Chet
Letting go of the things I always hold too tightly.
And as the piano tickled my ears in my last cognizant moments
I remember why I put on the music in the first place
And with one seed of thought it was over.

In your mind you’re trying to find happiness
But you’re not really looking
You just pretend to look.
It comes in waves like the ocean
And you have your back turned.
Sometimes it hits you when you least expect
And what you get isn’t what you wanted
Because what you wanted was on the shore the whole time,
Drifting away further from your view
As the waves and the current take you.
You seem happy but you’re not happy
Because you weren’t looking.
You had your back turned and nearly drowned, you fool.

So you’re wading and you’re waiting for a wave to take you home
But you’re so far out now that you can’t see the shore.
And it’s a chore to swim back but you know you gotta leave
Because the water’s getting colder and the sun’s about to sink.

And you can’t hear a sound
Not even the waves make noise when you’re so far gone.
You’re tired and you’re lonely.
It would be so easy if only giving in was an option,
To let the happiness sink you ‘til you lose or grow fins.
But you’re not a fish,
And the ocean wasn’t what you were looking for,
So you raise your hands up to submit
Or cry for help, whichever comes first.
And you pray that someone saves you
But first you have to admit
That you were just pretending
When you went to go for a swim.

What was good was not to last,
‘Though who’s to say that lasting’s right?
A happy heart that’s held too fast
May long for freedoms not as tight.

A man can dream to settle down,
With love behind or at his side.
But when time comes to plant his ground
His dreams uproot, they can’t abide.

His fears and dreams have come to one,
Loving she and freedom too.
And 'though the love is not yet done
The nightmare’s one he can’t undo.

So leave he does, as always done,
The circled clock of time relapse.
But with the future that’s begun
He does it with a heart of scraps.

I’m just a number. That’s all that I’ll be.
Left in the background of what we used to be.
You’ll count and you’ll add, forgetting our prime
And I’ll be locked in here, without a cosine.
I wish I could subtract from the memories we made.
But numbers are constant and you made the grade.
You've moved on to new ones, as a counter does do
But I am affixed to your number two.
If only I could be a letter instead
I’d spell out the feelings you left in my head
But I’m just a number with a value of none
Looking for someone to complete the sum.

Her name was Jana.
And she made me love again.

From the moment of first sight she drew me in,
Like the sea pulls in a seashell
With the strength of a single wave.
I was attached then,
Ready to lose it all
For the sake of a conversation that held no more meaning
Than the gesture of arrival.

But it grew.
It grew with a purpose of unknown regard.
Like a tree toward the sunlight,
It found a meaning in survival.
An affection formerly thought impossible
Now seemed impassable.

Her name was Jana.
And she made me ache again.

Like every broken heart,
The pain sweltered in my chest
Unlike anything that has ever happened before.
Again.
She made me feel how dry the well was
And how thirsty I truly am.
Thirsty for the light I have grown to love and need,
Required for the survival of a life
That only leads to death.
Death now. Death again.

Her name was Jana.
And she helped me live again.

For sensation is the key to living.
With her I felt alive.
Without her I felt dead.
But with feeling comes the realization
That I was never truly living
Until the day I met her.
Life starts today for me,
Alone.
But only for now.

She steals my dreams with her smile.
The lines of happiness, a gleam of perfection
It’s all that I know.
Even the gloss of sadness does not but magnify
The beauty of her eyes
And the soul they mean to represent.
But the beauty of pain cannot be seen
By those who cry the tears
And she does not deserve to hurt
For the sake of those around her.
Life, love, and those too far away
Will bring about her a beauty unwanted
But the happiness will return anew
And my dreams will once again be hers.

I walk along a path of ends,
Still with a hope of use for truth.
And with a knowledge of the bends,
I move along the roads a sleuth.

But what I seek I cannot say,
For lost is not a minded thought.
And ‘though I seem to find my way,
“Lost” is all I’ve seemed to sought.

And when I reach the pathway’s edge,
Of which I knew before I came,
I sigh at sight of fearful ledge,
As if the bust was not my aim.

For lost is he who seeks for truth
On paths of worn and failed depart.
And distant grows the mournful youth;
The seeking lost and hopeful heart.

She sings to me dearly
And to be weary, oh, I become,
Soothed by the tender paean
Of a songbird still too young
To fill my dreams yet unearned.
And come or no, the sleep futile
Does naught to hinder the imagination,
The creation of a thought brought on
By words placed in a cadence to be sung.
And on I yearn,
Held tightly by a voice angles envy,
A pitch that calls to the dogs of men
And whispers softly the dying wishes
Of those who gave in to dejection.
And it is with affection, I write,
Seeking reprieve from a world
Still wrought with insomnolence.
So save me, oh blissful voice,
And sing to me the song of my addiction.

Rivers wash away fears and rains hide tears.
The truth is hidden behind closed eyes
Clenching shut the hole to the soul
While water drips from the seal of the lids
Pretending to be rain and not sadness.
You can look up or away or right at me
But the eyes cannot hide your frights
Whether closed off or with blinding sights.
You can run away again to escape but
Rapture is just a word and fear has a strong
Will of its own and even better endurance.
So give up that insurance and look straight ahead
To the man who stares back with rain-soaked tears
Of his own. And own those fears like a badge
That shows your soul has fought for its right
To sow its own. All alone.
Standing in the waters from the sky like a
Bird flying by on its way to some place warm
And you want to flee south. To the sun and alone
Where tears dry before they grow to show
What your words refuse to let go.
But you’re not alone. And these rains only wash away
What was never a part of you in the first place.
So let the tears flow. Like the crying of the sky,
It shows no shame and neither do I.
Don’t be afraid to be like us and let the fear
Fill the lack of trust so that I may wash it away
Like the rains of another day have done
To the earth and the birds the same.

She sours up the wine
Brings the bitterness, delays the drunkenness
Ruining a perfectly good evening like it even matters
And when the night sky comes
And the dark, damp air of a sober evening calls
It will be her phone that rings
With the everlasting affection of a man
Drunk with a thirst never meant for quenching
Brilliantly, seductively, she moves through the mind
Like a silk sheet flowing in the wind
So gracefully, so carelessly
And it burns to think that the wind travels away
Taking with it a memory of a time that never happened
She sours up the wine
But I keep drinking

Dreams in the evening, nightmares the whole night through
And when love comes floating back
No one can see it but me
I bleed love, sweat regret
And every word spoken is a cry for something more
Silence falls forward and, Jesus, can these demons hold their liquor
I’m drunk on you