I'm learning, ever so slowly, what people mean when they say I'm "rough around the edges"

I'm becoming softer
The heavy, angry punk music that used to play from my iPod

Has become softer, slower
More hopeful

Is this what it means to find peace?

You are the invisible forces I have no choice but to bend to.
I don't want the strength to move mountains,
just to move the shadow cast over your heart.

I never forgot a moment.
I settled comfortably into our love
I was happy by your side
I was ready to build a life
That ended with you as my wife
With a shack in Hawaii
With the possibility of kids
Where we spent the rest of our days
I still smiled until my cheeks ached
I still smile at our memories
I still love you.
I still want you.
I still have days where suicide is all I want.
But I fought it for us and to see what life had to offer.
I wish I had killed myself before we got to this.

I'm not having fun,
My word is hushed just as fast as it was back home.
I am quiet
I listen endlessly
I respond when asked.
My depression has me by my throat.
I want to explore my new home.
I'm tired of sitting in a house that's hotter than it is outside
I'm tired of falling asleep because I'm bored
I hate this.
I miss the stars
I miss late night walks with my friends
I hate that to occupy my time here all I do is smoke *** and play video games
I hate that my only friends here don't really talk to me.
I'm talked at, expected to listen.
When I have a chance to speak,
When my words are worth hearing
My sadness, my disparity, my bitter loneliness
Becomes a spring board to why they're unhappy
Becomes a reason to tell me my ego is the reason I'm sad
If I killed myself, they'd be legitimately confused
"He seemed happy"

It's hard sometimes,
to push pen to pad
force a rhyme
About some time in the past
when something noteworthy happened.
How am I to tell the masses how I feel?
When, honestly,
I have no ******* clue.

You're a caffeine high that never ends.
An anxiety attack on its rise.
You're water on my winter sidewalk.
This all sounds bad,
It's not.
It's just you have a way of making my heart race
My hands shake and head spin
And I keep slipping deeper in love.

Silly, you fell asleep with your make up on again.

Here I sit, admiring you, it's one A.m.

My laundry tumbles

I stumble over my words

as I gaze longingly upon you.

My flower, in full bloom

My mid day sun

My full moon

My love

Perhaps soon I can fall asleep

But knowing these are the last hours I'll see you for a week

I'm sure I'll be up stroking your cheek and chin.

I'll feel as if my hearts back home

And my body's on vacation.

I love you so much

I love you

I love

*you

I forgot you don't have a boyfriend.
I forgot that you can't have one.
I set up this delusional world
Where it's just us and we are an us
I'm gonna try and stop slipping
"I love you" into conversations as much.
Because all it'll take to rip you away is someone else.
Someone else.
Someone else
Why does your love hurt so much?
Why can't I be enough?
When I'm with you I always forget that,
at the end of the day,
I'm probably just a vacation stop.
I'm fun to visit.
I wish I hadn't heard you say
"I don't have a boyfriend"
I wonder...
Oh, how I wonder
if I'm supposed to feel this way.
My heart hurts
And
Crying is probably inevitable
But smoke your week
But sip your drink.
I'll sip mine
And into sleep I'll sink

I can't sleep tonight,
Well, most nights,
without you.
they drag on,
reassuring me
That time,
Is, in fact,
An illusion.
I no longer smell you
on my bed
However,
In my head
I can remember,
almost,
clearly your smell.
You're much like my ant hill
And I am but a humble worker
I never lose sight of home because home is but a single whiff away.
My infatuation with your sent
may seem odd.
But when you've found the person who can make your heart sing
Simple things like the way they naturally smell
Or the sound of their laugh
Or the sight of their flaws
Almost make it seem
like God does exist

I guess I'll go back to bed.
Wake me when the winter ends
Wake me when smiling isn't a chore.
Wake me when you don't want to fight
Wake me up when you can talk to me
Wake me up when I'm not wasting your time.
Or
Just let me sleep forever.
Let me sleep until I decompose
Let me waste
Let me sleep forever
Let me sleep forever
Let me sleep forever
Just **** me
Because
I can't do it on my own anymore.

Upon exiting the bus I was surprised to see two brand new books set upon the pavement. I made my way to them and with a chuckle I found two bibles stacked percariously. I walked away from them at first and stopped. Maybe I should take one because, I may not be religious but that doesn't mean I should let these books go unloved.
So here I sit with a bible in my lap and a smile. It may not be with me but I'll help this book find a home faster if I leave it downtown.

I'm not self-destructive any more.

This week has been great;
I will keep the streak going.
I am in control.

I have a negative outlook on love
It's too much trouble to pursue
I'm trying so ******* hard
But I'm invisible
And you're intangible
I can hold you through every night
And you'll look through me
It doesn't matter what you try and say
This is how you've made me feel
This is how I see love now.
I'm so in love with you.
A love that's breaking me
A love that I want to work
A love I don't want to give up on.
Maybe if I give up on you
I'll be visible.
Maybe if I give up now
You'll want me.
But probably not
So I'll just keep loving you until it puts me at the edge of life and death
And walk away so broken giving up will be easy.
I wish you wanted me the way that I want you.
But in real life, wishes don't usually come true.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror.
I know that it's something I do everyday, However, today I made the mistake of locking eyes with myself. I tell everyone I know I'm okay, it's how it's been as long as I can remember. I have my father's gaze, piercing. I could see so far into myself I felt I might melt under the heat of it and in the split second of contact I saw the bags under my eyes, the pain I tried to hide and I saw that nothing's really changed.

It's getting hard not to beg for one more kiss.

My heads a ****** up place
I spend time swimming against the current that is the whirlpool pulling me deeper into my depression
I try so hard to keep my head up but these days I feel like I'm holding the weight of the entire planet by a string with my teeth. The girl I'm in love with only loves me when it's convenient. I kept telling myself it wasn't like that until she humiliated me today. My job doesn't make me happy anymore and I can feel the last of the "post high school magic of life" slipping through my fingers as if to say, "remember you have to prepare for real life." Suicide seems more and more like an option. It seemed so far away yesterday when I was telling every person who would listen how in love I am. How in love I am. I hate breaking. I hate being reminded I'm only good enough behind closed doors. I hate everything. I paint with vibrant watercolors but I always paint in the rain. My life is bleak and bland. My only solace is this bottle and video games. **** everything. I'm bitter and sick of crying. But I know that I love you so much that I'll forgive you. I just wish you weren't so oblivious to the fact that your words, much like sticks and stones, break bones and hearts

I have desires
that I wish, honestly, I could move past it's not that I wish that I lived this way forever.
I don't, I hate the way I live.
perhaps it's not even that
I hate the way I live
so much as it's that I hate how I've been living.
dreams come and go and I suppose that no matter what I do
it'll just be that way
Like spring comes after winter
and the way that the leaves fall autumn  
"I've never been one to beat around the bush,
Or hide from my feelings"
he lied to himself; to everyone around him.
I've always tried to escape myself. Always
always
Just sit and listen to the stream
because
I'm too afraid to go back home.
I know I'll just drink and pack.

I feel an immense amount of pressure
It's overbearing
It's scary
My anxiety rises.
When I trend.
So many people see my thoughts
I feel naked and exposed

I find an unbelievable amount of solace in the fact that he makes you happy.
I also know that I was cut off.
Yes, it hurts.
No, I won't reach out.
I'm setting my sights on California
Nothing else
No one else.

You, are my home.

Queen sized beds are dumb
My queen isn't here tonight
So it's just a bed

In search of your warmth
This bed stretches forever
So much for my rest.

Cheers to an empty bed

When I'm over you
You'll probably look my way
Won't that be a shame

When I'm over you
I know that I'll be okay
But I don't want to

God, don't make me stop
Please don't burn the home you have
For what will not last

They say, "hardly knew, thee." A lot when someone dies.
I know you of all people know how much I like to perpetuate clichés.
It's true, though.
I hardly knew you.
Yeah, we'd climbed our hills
Sat for hours staring at the view,
And plummeted down again.
But as I was getting better you started to experience degradation.
I let you go for a day and you broke your nose.
And as I began to descend into madness again,
You took one final trip with me.
I'll miss you,
I'll remember you
And I'll cherish the freedom you gave me

The difference in my poetry
and my reality
Is that I write when I'm angry
In reality I'm not as angry as I sound.

Self-loathing is something I'm good at.
Don't make any better.

I wish I had the heart to forget you
But no one catches my eye like you do

If I'm being whole heartedly honest,
It's not that the future is bleak
It's not that I'm overwhelmingly sad
I just don't ******* care anymore.
All the people who are "there for" me
Are only there when I place the plaster mask on my face to hide my shame.

Normally I'd be playing this game as if on auto-pilot.
Normally I'd laugh at you making a joke about my addiction but today is far from normal.
today I I'm playing with hopes of ebbing your absence.
Losing today seems a lot more frustrating that normal.

I hope you're happy.
I hope he makes you smile.
I hope when you have fun it's honest
I hope when you look back you forget I ever exsisted.
You aren't going to be able to stop me from juggling knives anymore.

With enough time and pressure they say coal becomes diamond.
Too bad I'm not coal
I'm under the pressure of time
And a lot of time has passed
So, it's a shame I'm not coal.

Walking quick I pay no mind
Although your path I'd quickly find

I'm so very lost
The days of my childhood in the house of God
are coming back to me in
waves as heavy as my baggage
My grandma says to fall to my knees and ask God for guidance
So I'll swallow my pride
Drop to my knees and beg God to bring back the woman I fell in love with
The person you used to be.
I haven't cried this hard in a long time
Work today is going to **** me

I'll come and get you
I'll dip deep into the sea
I'll save you from the sea.
Hold your breath, just a bit longer.
I'm coming to get you.
I've been that deep in the sea.
I'll come get you in my submersible.

I drink because liquor is the only thing consistent in my life. It's there when I'm happy and when I'm sad. I drink because when no one wants to listen I can spill my thoughts to my drunk and lonely self and I can listen to myself talk without judgement. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Because my friends are always too busy to listen to how broken I am.

Wesley, remember your place.

What's left to say?

Oh, a very lucky man, am I.
To be the one with which her heart resides.
A broken boy,
With fears to match the size of my feet, which are large.
I am a silver.
I thought no rhyme could be placed on me.
But she is my slant.
Oh, a very lucky man, am I.

I will prevail over this sadness.
I will pretend I never loved you.
Scratch that
I never did love you.
I've never loved anything.
And I don't hate anyone
I have no feelings for anything.
Whomever said numbness was a fault better look at me.
I'm perfect.
I'm free