Have you ever looked out at the sea
Really looked,
as if you were looking
for where the next continent might be?
Have you ever been so sad it's as if you may die simply due to the compression of your chest as if your drowning somewhere along the horizon?
I feel as if I'm dying.
I wish I could hear your voice
even if you were yelling at me.
Even if you said you don't miss me
as much as I miss you.
I'm homesick
I'm so homesick.
I miss Frederick
I miss the ****** people
My ****** job
My ****** pay
My room
The clutter
The basement
And I miss your room
The paint on the walls.
The division of your half
And your sisters.
I'm realizing I'm not ready to leave yet
Not nearly as ready as I have claimed.

I'm sorry, dad. I've failed yet again in making you proud. I've looked deep into the eyes of myself in the mirror and I've completely given up on life. I remember a time when I was younger when I didn't hide how I felt. I was a cry baby. Yet, here I am. Writing an apology for something I'll never be forgiven for.

To my siblings, I couldn't do it. I know youll all be able to succeed where I gave up. I love you all.

Mom, I will hate you into my grave.
-the experiment child.

I will not allow myself to be hurt
I will stop myself from feeling love
I refuse to feel envious
I will drain emotions from me and replace them with ***** and ***
If I feel nothing at all
then maybe
Maybe
I'll free myself
So please everyone
Watch me as I **** off
every ounce of my humanity
It's nothing personal
But I'm not allowed to care anymore
I don't want to.

I'm learning, ever so slowly, what people mean when they say I'm "rough around the edges"

I'm becoming softer
The heavy, angry punk music that used to play from my iPod

Has become softer, slower
More hopeful

Is this what it means to find peace?

As if a frozen waterfall
Words that should fall won't
I'm holding back
Biting my tongue
Because my words feel meaningless
Everyone makes me feel pointless
Everything leaves me empty
I want to scream
I want to bite the hand that feeds
I want to challenge authority
I want to feel something
Anything.
I'm tired of waking up.
I'm tired of seeing my reflection.
This field that I'm looking out over,
This field in the darkness of night
This field understands
It never asked the wind to rip away its seeds
I feel as if I'm giving you everything I can.
But it's never enough.
I'm an empty room
Nothing to offer
Nothing left
I'm the shell of who everyone loved.
I'm a shell.
No one loves who I am
They never will.
What the **** am I fighting for anyway?

Today at work I dropped a glass
a quiet gasp
followed shortly by the shrill crash of glass on ceramic tile.
As I look at the mess I, myself, made
I saw myself.
Perhaps due to the fact I'm a hopeless romantic with the acute ability to personify everything I touch.
Perhaps because I know that I, too, am a mess.
As I stood swearing under my breath about the cost of the glass and the possibility of management's wrath.
The shards of glass thrown across the floor in a pool of melted ice, and what remained of some dark soda pulled song lyrics into my head

"Why can't a glass speak for its contents"

Because the glass is empty
The glass is simply a vessel.
Am I then a vessel as well?
I hope not.
I hope not.
I swept the glass
and the thoughts
Into a dust pan
And
Threw them away

My friends don't realize;
I don't need advice
I don't need to be alone
I'm not okay.
I'm trying to reach out to them
I'm scared
I'm too suicidal to think straight.
All I want is;
For some one to listen and not speak
To just be there
To get better
To be heard
To have them reach back.
What I'll get is ignored texts and unwanted life advise.
I'm better off alone.
If I stay in my head I won't get hurt.

I'm not having fun,
My word is hushed just as fast as it was back home.
I am quiet
I listen endlessly
I respond when asked.
My depression has me by my throat.
I want to explore my new home.
I'm tired of sitting in a house that's hotter than it is outside
I'm tired of falling asleep because I'm bored
I hate this.
I miss the stars
I miss late night walks with my friends
I hate that to occupy my time here all I do is smoke *** and play video games
I hate that my only friends here don't really talk to me.
I'm talked at, expected to listen.
When I have a chance to speak,
When my words are worth hearing
My sadness, my disparity, my bitter loneliness
Becomes a spring board to why they're unhappy
Becomes a reason to tell me my ego is the reason I'm sad
If I killed myself, they'd be legitimately confused
"He seemed happy"

I'm not self-destructive any more.

I never forgot a moment.
I settled comfortably into our love
I was happy by your side
I was ready to build a life
That ended with you as my wife
With a shack in Hawaii
With the possibility of kids
Where we spent the rest of our days
I still smiled until my cheeks ached
I still smile at our memories
I still love you.
I still want you.
I still have days where suicide is all I want.
But I fought it for us and to see what life had to offer.
I wish I had killed myself before we got to this.

You're a caffeine high that never ends.
An anxiety attack on its rise.
You're water on my winter sidewalk.
This all sounds bad,
It's not.
It's just you have a way of making my heart race
My hands shake and head spin
And I keep slipping deeper in love.

I forgot you don't have a boyfriend.
I forgot that you can't have one.
I set up this delusional world
Where it's just us and we are an us
I'm gonna try and stop slipping
"I love you" into conversations as much.
Because all it'll take to rip you away is someone else.
Someone else.
Someone else
Why does your love hurt so much?
Why can't I be enough?
When I'm with you I always forget that,
at the end of the day,
I'm probably just a vacation stop.
I'm fun to visit.
I wish I hadn't heard you say
"I don't have a boyfriend"
I wonder...
Oh, how I wonder
if I'm supposed to feel this way.
My heart hurts
And
Crying is probably inevitable
But smoke your week
But sip your drink.
I'll sip mine
And into sleep I'll sink

Silly, you fell asleep with your make up on again.

Here I sit, admiring you, it's one A.m.

My laundry tumbles

I stumble over my words

as I gaze longingly upon you.

My flower, in full bloom

My mid day sun

My full moon

My love

Perhaps soon I can fall asleep

But knowing these are the last hours I'll see you for a week

I'm sure I'll be up stroking your cheek and chin.

I'll feel as if my hearts back home

And my body's on vacation.

I love you so much

I love you

I love

*you

I wish I had the heart to forget you
But no one catches my eye like you do

It's hard sometimes,
to push pen to pad
force a rhyme
About some time in the past
when something noteworthy happened.
How am I to tell the masses how I feel?
When, honestly,
I have no ******* clue.

I guess I'll go back to bed.
Wake me when the winter ends
Wake me when smiling isn't a chore.
Wake me when you don't want to fight
Wake me up when you can talk to me
Wake me up when I'm not wasting your time.
Or
Just let me sleep forever.
Let me sleep until I decompose
Let me waste
Let me sleep forever
Let me sleep forever
Let me sleep forever
Just **** me
Because
I can't do it on my own anymore.

I find an unbelievable amount of solace in the fact that he makes you happy.
I also know that I was cut off.
Yes, it hurts.
No, I won't reach out.
I'm setting my sights on California
Nothing else
No one else.

Upon exiting the bus I was surprised to see two brand new books set upon the pavement. I made my way to them and with a chuckle I found two bibles stacked percariously. I walked away from them at first and stopped. Maybe I should take one because, I may not be religious but that doesn't mean I should let these books go unloved.
So here I sit with a bible in my lap and a smile. It may not be with me but I'll help this book find a home faster if I leave it downtown.

I have a negative outlook on love
It's too much trouble to pursue
I'm trying so ******* hard
But I'm invisible
And you're intangible
I can hold you through every night
And you'll look through me
It doesn't matter what you try and say
This is how you've made me feel
This is how I see love now.
I'm so in love with you.
A love that's breaking me
A love that I want to work
A love I don't want to give up on.
Maybe if I give up on you
I'll be visible.
Maybe if I give up now
You'll want me.
But probably not
So I'll just keep loving you until it puts me at the edge of life and death
And walk away so broken giving up will be easy.
I wish you wanted me the way that I want you.
But in real life, wishes don't usually come true.

This week has been great;
I will keep the streak going.
I am in control.

They say, "hardly knew, thee." A lot when someone dies.
I know you of all people know how much I like to perpetuate clichés.
It's true, though.
I hardly knew you.
Yeah, we'd climbed our hills
Sat for hours staring at the view,
And plummeted down again.
But as I was getting better you started to experience degradation.
I let you go for a day and you broke your nose.
And as I began to descend into madness again,
You took one final trip with me.
I'll miss you,
I'll remember you
And I'll cherish the freedom you gave me

Wesley, remember your place.

Self-loathing is something I'm good at.
Don't make any better.

I drink because liquor is the only thing consistent in my life. It's there when I'm happy and when I'm sad. I drink because when no one wants to listen I can spill my thoughts to my drunk and lonely self and I can listen to myself talk without judgement. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Because my friends are always too busy to listen to how broken I am.

My heads a ****** up place
I spend time swimming against the current that is the whirlpool pulling me deeper into my depression
I try so hard to keep my head up but these days I feel like I'm holding the weight of the entire planet by a string with my teeth. The girl I'm in love with only loves me when it's convenient. I kept telling myself it wasn't like that until she humiliated me today. My job doesn't make me happy anymore and I can feel the last of the "post high school magic of life" slipping through my fingers as if to say, "remember you have to prepare for real life." Suicide seems more and more like an option. It seemed so far away yesterday when I was telling every person who would listen how in love I am. How in love I am. I hate breaking. I hate being reminded I'm only good enough behind closed doors. I hate everything. I paint with vibrant watercolors but I always paint in the rain. My life is bleak and bland. My only solace is this bottle and video games. **** everything. I'm bitter and sick of crying. But I know that I love you so much that I'll forgive you. I just wish you weren't so oblivious to the fact that your words, much like sticks and stones, break bones and hearts

It's getting hard not to beg for one more kiss.

You, are my home.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror.
I know that it's something I do everyday, However, today I made the mistake of locking eyes with myself. I tell everyone I know I'm okay, it's how it's been as long as I can remember. I have my father's gaze, piercing. I could see so far into myself I felt I might melt under the heat of it and in the split second of contact I saw the bags under my eyes, the pain I tried to hide and I saw that nothing's really changed.

He lies to himself

Cheers to an empty bed

I hope you're happy.
I hope he makes you smile.
I hope when you have fun it's honest
I hope when you look back you forget I ever exsisted.
You aren't going to be able to stop me from juggling knives anymore.

What's left to say?

I feel an immense amount of pressure
It's overbearing
It's scary
My anxiety rises.
When I trend.
So many people see my thoughts
I feel naked and exposed

The difference in my poetry
and my reality
Is that I write when I'm angry
In reality I'm not as angry as I sound.

Queen sized beds are dumb
My queen isn't here tonight
So it's just a bed

In search of your warmth
This bed stretches forever
So much for my rest.

Speaking Honestly, I just wanna sit in silence with you.

I have desires
that I wish, honestly, I could move past it's not that I wish that I lived this way forever.
I don't, I hate the way I live.
perhaps it's not even that
I hate the way I live
so much as it's that I hate how I've been living.
dreams come and go and I suppose that no matter what I do
it'll just be that way
Like spring comes after winter
and the way that the leaves fall autumn  
"I've never been one to beat around the bush,
Or hide from my feelings"
he lied to himself; to everyone around him.
I've always tried to escape myself. Always
always
Just sit and listen to the stream
because
I'm too afraid to go back home.
I know I'll just drink and pack.