One day I will wear a crown and it will not fall
One day I will look in the mirror and say “ you’re beautiful “
One day I will dance without a care in the world
One day I will be a confident queen and I will rule my mind, it will not rule me

When I was 15 I decided that dying was better than not knowing

I sat in the doctors offices
Not caring what they found
Just praying they found something
Something that would prove I wasn’t crazy
That it wasn’t in my head
Something that would make people believe me
Believe my pain

Praying that they wouldn’t congratulate me for being healthy
Not because i wanted to be sick but because I was sick and no one believed me

Some people think I’m weak because I cry all the time but really I’ve been holding everything in to long

Some people think I’m easily scared because I’m tiny and sweet but really I’ve looked in the face of fear and yelled at it to go away

Some people think I’m Vulnerable and that they can use me because I’m indecisive but the thing they don’t know is that I’m fine being by myself

People misjudge me often but I don’t look my part

I lay wide awake wondering why I can never sleep
I cry in my room wondering why I can’t be happy anymore
I fake a smile wondering when I had to start pretending
I stab myself with a needle wondering why I’m still alive
I sit clutching my head trying to stop the voices in my head wondering why they are even there
I sit up shaking from my nightmare wondering why when I finally sleep that I wake up crying
I listen to the question “how are you “and I wonder why I answer with “I’m fine “
But you would never think that those things would happen to me because I’m constantly smiling and saying “I’m fine“

Are the stars really gone in the bright of the day
Or do they just retreat until the night comes there way
What do the stars do while they hideaway
Do they dance through the sky to make the birds proud
Or do they sleep in their beds made up of clouds
If the stars really do just go away when the sky is no longer that dark shade of gray
Then how will they know when it’s their time to play

I remember when I hated you,
Or at least I claimed I did
We’d yell and fight
You’d chase, I’d bite
But even then
you are my best friend

I remember when I was proud of you
Or at least I tried to be
You were always smarter
So I tried harder
All of that work
Just to be like you

I remember when you were cool
Or at least I thought so
You had a best friend
And a cool loft bed
But all through then
You’d let me play with you

Fear takes over my body
My hands shake but the rest of my body won't move
I can't say a word
I try to run but my feet are glued to the ground
Even if I could run there is know where to go
Know where to hide
Because you can't get away from your own mind.

Six kids run and laugh
Stars glisten in the moonlight
I'm safe and complete

I look at all the girls with their perfect hair and their eyes sparkling or their new shirt

They hold there boyfriends hand and know someone thinks they are pretty

I watch romance movies and so badly wish for it to come true

I read books about perfect guys who always know how to say the right thing

I sit there just wishing for a boy to tell me I’m pretty and make me laugh

But I just keep waiting And waiting and waiting

I used to lay down sticking needles in my leg

I used to scream inside my head hoping someone would hear me

I used to cry myself to sleep and pray that I wouldn’t wake up

I used To wonder why I simply couldn’t be happy even when I should be

I used to lay awake at night ,not able to sleep

I used to think I was crazy and that was why this was happening

And although I still fight voices in my head that scream to me and tell me horrible things

I’m starting to get better and enjoy the little things

I looked in the mirror to find a small girl who didn’t like talking to people or being in large crowds
she would rather good to the book store then a mall and never had been asked out or had a boyfriend
The girl only saw her flaws and was embarrassed by her scars
She was short and petite and looked much younger than her age with her glasses and her child like smile
She wished to be anyone else except herself she wished for blonde hair instead of brown and for her eyes to look more green and for her stomach to shrink a little for her legs to grow a bit
Then she would be pretty then she would prove the people wrong all the people  who she thought where thinking   rude things about her  
But then I looked her in the eye and said
I love you and don’t forget it

I’m a stranger in my own house
The others living here aren’t my family
These invaders took MY room, MY parents, and the rest of MY childhood
They took my life and my family because there’s was ****** and I am supposed to feel sorry for THEM!?

I wonder how those two girls might have spent this day if there weren’t any flowers being placed on there grave
I wonder what kind of adventures they might have went on if the breath wasn’t cut short or how many more times they would have gotten to smile
These people who I never before spared a glance now fill my head with questions they fill my head with grief
I wonder why them why now?

I don’t know what I did in order to ******* such a forgiving God, but I’m sure he must be angry.
Why else would he put me in this God forsaken body…this ugly, painful body after I’ve begged for mercy many times.
I’m sorry…I’m SORRY…IM SORRY for whatever I did to make you hate me

Suddenly the words “I’m not hungry” left my mouth
Which was odd
Because I’m always hungry
An indescribable hunger
A painful hunger

I am hungry when I go to sleep
I am hungry when I wake up
A unimaginable hunger
A debilitating hunger

I never thought I’d be afraid of butter
Or chocolate
Or bread

I never thought I’d be starving to be thin

I thought a man would fix my problems
I thought he would make me happy
But here I am, with a man
Still depressed
Still anxious
Still hopeless
Still in pain
So what’s the point?

My mom is my light house
From the day I was born she has guided me through the waters, rough and calm

My mom is my blanket
She keeps me safe from the cold and dark

My mom is my well
She lets me take and take until she is dried up so that i won’t thirst

My mom is my bed
She is my safe space after a hard day

My mom is my rock
She keeps me steady when I can no longer stand

My mom is my best friend
I love my mom

I want to either be the favorite
Or the very bane of existence

I want to be the hero
Or the villain

I want to be the best
Or the worst

I don’t fear last place
I fear second place

I want to be something
Even if I’m the enemy

I don’t want to be the side character in my own story