DElizabeth: Poems

DElizabeth Mar 2022

you have taught me..
so now i must learn...
a lesson such as life
cannot be simply a lecture to listen to
and take notes upon...
a hands-on portion must be practiced
in order to truly, learn the material...

Life Support

DElizabeth Mar 2021

Life Support

If I don't stop
writing,
ink will soon be
running through
my veins.

lightning in a bottle

DElizabeth Aug 2023

lightning in a bottle

this is the poem
i am convinced i will never be ready to write.

this is the poem
i have been avoiding writing
because i know the depth of it...
the depth of what we had
& how difficult it is to capture it.

we know how it was.
we know how it is.

we know how we wanted it to be
& we know how it didn't get to be.

even writing it now
makes the lump in my throat grow wider
& the tears that have waited this long to be let out
make a caleidescope of my eyes...

your pale blue eyes
& your hands as warm as a fire
faded in the distance during a winter snow storm
in the middle of nowhere...

you came out of no where
& when i wasn't looking...
they say that's when you find it
is when you least expect to...

that was you for me.

we had so many sparks
we could set this town ablaze...
so much chemistry
we could create a thousand new & undiscovered elements...
& far much more in common that we or anyone
would have ever guessed...

but we knew how it was...
we know who we were...

we had lightning in a bottle,
you said to me
right before you left...
and then someone removed the lid
you said to me
moments before my heart gave out...

i could never forget how it was...
because how could i?...

i will never forget the way we were...
because how is that possible?...

i will never forget the way it felt
as we fell head over heals,
risked everything for this lightning,
as we sat with our feet barely touching the ground
watching as those warm, bright summer days past us by...

i will never forget how the inner edges of your eye brows would raise up when you could just tell how i was feeling.
the way your cheeks turned baby pink, flushed when i kissed you on your birthday that night in my car,
or the way you'd look up at me unable to speak when i'd merely graze you i had that profound of an impact on you...

i will never forget those hours you spent painting & drawing for me or pouring your darkest most vulnerable parts of you onto paper...nor will i forgive myself for letting you down...
when i made you hurt...
when i made you scream...
when i made you frustrated...
when i made you cry...
when i made you feel unseen.

i will always remember to allow myself to feel, to remember, & smile when i hear the music that belongs to us...
the quiet moments only we know...
the moments where we could just say anything & just be ourselves & allow ourselves to be
fully known
fully seen
fully heard
fully loved
fully cared for
fully understood
fully accepted...

we will always have that lightning...
no one can take something like that away from us.
we will always have our bottles,
cherished, remembered, & tucked away safe...
maybe one day we'll rebottle some of that again...

List of Things That Make Me Smile

DElizabeth Mar 2021

List of Things That Make Me Smile

Heavy rain

The scent of old frail book pages

Long aimless walks with my dog

Non-stop sunshine

Milkshakes at midnight after winning home football games with the marching band family

The stillness of the air in an empty dim-lighted auditorium

Blowing bubbles through a straw in milk

Beach adventures

Peaceful camping trips in the woods that disconnect me from the rest of the chaotic world

Gold sunrises & sunsets

Secretly hearing a stranger hum a song I'm unfamiliar with

"Messy hair don't care" days

Baking peach braids just because

Getting lost intentionally in New York City

Finding a hold-in-the-wall place to eat

Antique book shops

Googling a name & being amazed with the accuracy of the meaning behind it

Picking oranges, lemons, & grapefruit with my dad from his yard and making freshly squeezed juice

Practicing flute for my grandpa

Trying something new

Skating, even though I'm awful at it but still trying

Taking a candid photograph of a significant moment, soon memory

Kite flying on the beach with my little brother

Making a boquet out of wildflowers

Scary summer storms

Drives with no destination in particular

Up North Michigan

The way my mom would make oatmeal in the middle of the night for us to enjoy when we were little

Proudly planning my education

Writing poetry in the margins of a book

Vitamin Sea

Drying grapes into raisins on the windowsill

Eating & cherishing favorite childhood meals

Looking through old family photos & home videos on a VCR

Rummaging through my grandpa's "junk drawer"

The best egg salad sandwiches made by Nana

Papa's oversized flannel jacket

The cold wet nose of a dog

Soft warm blankets straight from the dryer

The scent of wood furniture

Thanksgiving spent at a cabin in the mountains

A first kiss

Raising caterpillars into butterflies & releasing them

Remembering how to play a song on the piano

A warm summer breeze

The smell in the crisp air after it rains during autumn

An unexpected thoughtful gift that says 'I know you'

Feeling well rested

A hotel room for one

Dancing in the kitchen late at night to music with my sister

Disciphering my Godmother's cursive calligraphy letters in the mail

My sisters hotel soaps collection

California Poppies

Drinking milk from a bag as a kid

Love finding me at an unexpected yet perfect time

You <3

Little House by the Tracks

DElizabeth Feb 2021

Little House by the Tracks

The paint dries.

I watch the neighbor
cut her grass with scissors
while she sits in her lawn chair.

The chimes blow in the
gentle summer breeze.

The page turns by itself.

I hear the ocean waves
calling out my name
from miles... miles away.

Late is better than never.

The tick of my watch
grows louder,
I notice it
when the silence grows.

The little finch
sits upon the bowl,
crystal water splashing up with his wings.

The sky
a runway of vibrant colors.
orange, gold, red, pink, lavender,
whispy baby blue clouds.

Telephone wires
buzzing above
as I stand barefoot on the
hot pavement
staring hypnotized by the dazzling
vastness of the black space
above
surrounding
enveloping
consuming.

Airplanes fly overhead
blinking green & red lights
peeking out in between the thick clouds.

A nearby train
rattles the old family photographs
hanging on the peeling wallpaper
by 60 year old rusty nails.

Warm December air.

The loose string on the cuff
of my sweater sleeve
unravels as I pull it.

The grass feels cool
in between my toes
as I watch the
grasshopper watch me
watch him.

I feel homesick
even though I am home.

The lemons ripen.

The lake water
quietly lapping.

Catching my breath
my chest tightens
after running down the street.

The chilly autumn wind
brushes across my blushed cheek.
I shiver.
I don't mind
because the view is worth it.

These memories

These places

These overwhelming
feelings

These moments

These seconds

I'd do anything to
experience
once more.

I don't know what
the days ahead
hold.

This wanting

Forth & back.

This needing

While these intangibles last
forever,
I can't help but know
this nostalgic haunting
couldn't.

Lived & Learned

DElizabeth Feb 2021

Lived & Learned

You cannot expect me to
learn
something just by you telling
me what is so.

I need to
live
in order to
learn.

You have experienced things
& you expect me to learn from your mistakes.

I'm afraid I have to make
my own mistakes
In order to learn from
my own mistakes.

I cannot and should not be
prevented
or
"saved"
from my own decisions.

This is not a
rebellion.

This is not a
protest.

This is not an
opportunity for
disobedience.

This is me trying.

This is me transitioning.

This is me   t r y i n g
to grow.

This is me   t r y i n g
to be independent
(don't you want me to be?).

This is me   t r y i n g
to live my intended life.

This is me   t r y i n g
to learn.

Let me learn.

lookalike

DElizabeth Jan 2022

lookalike

my face always reminds people of someone else
you look exactly like...
...are you related to...
you're a splitting image of...
...you remind me of...
you look so much like...
when will someone else remind someone of me? . . .
when will i be the person they are looking for? . . .
when will i be the original? . . .
when will i be like me and not someone else? . . .

(the top half of my face, anyway)

Lookalike

DElizabeth Feb 2021

Lookalike

When you look in my eyes
do think of hers?

When you look at my smile
does she cross your mind?

I know in your head
you see her instead

Because I look a lot like
she did back then

Darling don't lie
I'm just a lookalike...

looks are deceiving

DElizabeth Jan 2022

looks are deceiving

sometimes madness
looks like
jubilance

sometimes sadness
looks like
happiness

sometimes hurt
looks like
anger

sometimes light
looks like
darkness

sometimes resentment
looks like
hate

sometimes love
looks like
limitations

sometimes trauma
looks like
protection

sometimes messiness
looks like
control

sometimes change
looks like
oblivion

sometimes deep
looks like
shallow

sometimes purity
looks like
naivety

sometimes silence
looks like
ignorance

sometimes shame
looks like
guilt

sometimes courage
looks like
rebellion

sometimes strength
looks like
pride

sometimes heartbreak
looks like
carelessness

sometimes boredom
looks like
restlessness

sometimes curiosity
looks like
adventurous

sometimes fear
looks like
insecurity

sometimes grief
looks like
stubbornness

sometimes gain
looks like
loss

sometimes loneliness
looks like
lust

sometimes misunderstanding
looks like
ill-intention

sometimes sensitivity
looks like
weakness

sometimes vulnerability
looks like
delicacy

sometimes a beginning
looks like
an ending.

Lo siento no lo siento

DElizabeth Apr 2021

Lo siento no lo siento

I have to leave these walls
and everything I know
behind
in order to get back to
myself.

She deserves to be
found again.

lost & found

DElizabeth Mar 2022

lost & found

i lost myself
in you finding yourself

lost in translation

DElizabeth Aug 2023

lost in translation

he was avoidant
i was anxious-ambivalent

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation.

he was the rational to
my irrational

i was the bright yellow sky before dusk
and he was the deep indigo when it's past bedtime

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation.

he was the dark
and i was the light
yin & yang they used to call us...
we were complementary colors
disguised as human beings

he was the midnight sky full of bursting stars
while i was the pink vast sunrise beaming through the clouds

but instead of his hands up in my hair
and me against the drapes
we only got left with scars and scrapes

you fooled me one last time
i thought we had it
i thought we will make it..
i thought you were going out with a BANG
but it turns out it was just me walking out with a bruise

a bruise on my heart
good thing they heal over time
because i know i left plenty on you too, darling...

i thought we had it
i thought we will make it
i remember the first look you gave me,
those sad pale blue eyes
just begging for me to love them...
i gave you my all, love
you gave me your all..

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation. . .

Love

DElizabeth Apr 2021

Love

I love who I am while I am with you.

love-hate

DElizabeth Aug 17

love-hate

"i will always love you."
i love that you mean what you say.

"i see you more as a friend."
i hate that you mean what you say.

love language pt. I (october)

DElizabeth Aug 2022

love language pt. I (october)

i was yours

"he holds me in his big arms"

you were mine

"it's you, it's you, it's all for you"

snow-flaked car windows

"everything i do"

two hearts blossoming like wildflowers

"heaven is a place on earth with you"

growing growing growing

"tell me all the things you want to do"

fear interrupted by love

"your lips, my lips, apocalypse"

two hearts accelerate as one

"drunk and i am seeing stars"

sundays were made for you and i

"they say that world was built for two"

vigilant firsts

"if only i could"

sunsets and wordless conversations

"i'd make a deal with god"

we threw ourselves into each others arms

"i'd get him to swap our places"

fearlessly . . . unconditionally . . . blindly . . .

"i'd be running up that road"

you fell

"i'd be running up that hill"

down . . .down . . .down . . .

"with no problems"

i came tumbling after you

"it's you and me . . ."

not knowing where we were heading

"you don't want to hurt me"

you descended into the dark leaving me without a light to find you

"let's see how deep the bullet lies"

i reach and reach and reach out into the oblivion

"unaware, i'm tearing you asunder"

is it me, is it you?

"it's you and me . . ."

it's you you tell me

"tell me we both matter . . ."

if only i could redo everything

"if only i could"

october

"i'd make a deal with god"

"could you come see me? . . .please . . ."

"i'd get him to swap our places"

"i'll think about it"

"tell me we both matter, don't we? . . ."

i hope, i wait, i wish, i long

"come out and haunt me"

walk past the rain-pricked window

"i know you want me"

the brown brick corner turned red

"come out and haunt me"

i face the lot

"sharing all your secrets with each other"

the white car, lonesome again

"since you were kids"

i shut my eyes . . .blink . . .hope i'm just not seeing things . . .that deep-ocean blue van.

"tell me why"

is it me? is it you?

"you've been locked in here forever"

is it me?

"and you just can't say goodbye"

"no . . ."

"oh meet me in the woods tonight"

you bend

"you . . . it's you and me . . ."

i bend

"i surrender you got my love serious"

you break

"it's you and me . . ."

i break

"you won't be unhappy"

down down down we go . . .

"unaware, i'm tearing you asunder"

31st rain washing red rubies down the storm drain

"do you want to feel how it feels?"

crimson paint bleeding onto the floormat

"let's exchange the experience"

you fall until you find yourself

"come on darling . . ."

darling, you used to call me

"let me steal this moment from you now"

what have we done?

"when you're all alone"

to us?

"i'll reach for you"

what have we done?

"when you're feelin' low"

to us?

"i'll be there too"

.

lyrics from:
"video games" by lana del rey
"apocalypse" by cigarettes after ***
"running up that hill" by kate bush
"meet me in the woods" by lord huron

love left

DElizabeth Oct 2021

love left

i look down
or anywhere
but your eyes.

they never lie.

i see
the love left
them.

only memories
remain.

fading voices...

when you used to
say words...
something.
anything.

fading...fading...f a d i n g...gone.

"Break My Heart Again" by FINNEAS

Love You(r Heart)To (Life) Death

DElizabeth Jun 2021

Love You(r Heart)To (Life) Death

To know you
and the depths
that you are afraid to show.
To unbutton your shirt
and make love to your soul.
And see you
for everything and all that you truly are
and love your heart even more,
despite your scars.

lunar eclipse

DElizabeth Nov 2021

lunar eclipse

dear j,

i dance when i'm vivacious,
and bake when i'm euphoric.
i read when i feel unwanted,
and belt when i'm mad or broken-hearted.

what's seprating us?
feels like universes apart now..
an external variable,
an internal conflict,
or something between us
that only we can pull ourselves out of.

"two adults, both knowing the risks, we give things a shot. hurting each other is the last thing we want to do...how about i take care of me, you take care of you, i try not to hurt you, you try not to hurt me. what else is there? relationships are scary. you don't get all of that goodness and possibility with zero risk."

i'm sure you don't want to hear it...

you and me against the world.

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

sorry to complicate things by saying so..

not sorry.

but before you, sure i "wanted" someone. but perhaps only what they brought to the table. what they would make me feel..
but i "needed" them more than i truly wanted them, if that makes sense?... i needed them to feel complete. to feel whole. to feel good about myself. to feel loved. to feel okay. to feel happy. to feel worthy..

everything shifted...
everything on the inside.

i saw you..
and all i've wanted to do
is take care of you.
make you feel seen..
make you feel heard..
make you feel understood..
make you feel cared for..
make you feel worthy..
make you feel adored..
make you feel intelligent..
make you feel capable..
make you feel comfortable..
make you feel inspired..
make you feel confident..
make you feel humble..
make you feel okay..
make you feel well..
make you feel warm..
make you feel motivated..
make you feel pure jubilance amidst darkness
make you feel perfect by being yourself..human..
make you feel encouraged..
make you feel safe..
make you feel wanted..
make you feel strong..
make you feel taken care of..
make you feel courageous..
make you feel loved.

i no longer feel like i need someone to make me feel these things to feel like myself, comfortable, or whole.
does everyone want those things?
of course.
do i deserve them?
the only difference now is that i expect it from the one who says they feel those things for me. and i shouldn't have to plead for it. no one should. it's one of the the most self-destructive & disrespectful things one can do to oneself.

i feel like something is missing..
like there is something more..
and i long for you to tell me
the real reason why you
no longer want me..us..

who is two-faced?
either? neither?

when you look at me...do you feel, anything?...

hate...i painfully assume.
resentment...unbearably.

love is a complicated word.
you hate saying it.
it is a powerful word.
you hate it.
perhaps it is the most abused & misused word.
perhaps i've said it too much?
perhaps because i feel it too much?
is that even possible?...
i see that i haven't loved before.
infatuated with the person...in love with the elated ideas of them that were nonexistent and never could be...
and that scares me.
yet i see that you are not perfect
and i love you even more for that...

i have always believed that you should always make sure the one's you love know that you love them.
any second could be one's last.
who can say?...

i walk the line between
strong vulnerable desire and exuberant shamelessness...

stuck between
walking away because you want me to and embracing you, pouring every ounce of love within myself into you and never running dry..

which do YOU
want me to do, j?...
not them...
which do you...

love,
d

(Lyrics)

DElizabeth Jul 2021

(Lyrics)

Good for you,
See you’ve been working on your
Family tree

Hope she loves you
And you live & die so happily

You saw me crying
Begging, honey please just
Set me free

Already
Left to live my life
Just watch me, count to
Three…

m.a.d.

DElizabeth Nov 2022

m.a.d.

mutually assured destruction

madre

DElizabeth Mar 2022

madre

.

"goodnight"

"it's not."

.

make sense

DElizabeth Mar 2022

make sense

you have been happy and well within everything...

but you are not happy that i am not okay?...

make you mine

DElizabeth Mar 2022

make you mine

.

put your hand in mine...

you know that i want to be with you all the time...

you know that i won't stop until i make you mine...

.

lyrics from "Make You Mine" by PUBLIC

March 12th, 2021

DElizabeth Mar 2021

March 12th, 2021

Late.

Alone, sitting
on my bathroom floor.

Oceans
streaming down
from my brown eyes.

Trying to stay silent.
Don't let them hear.

The music
playing on repeat.

Over
&
over
&
over
&
over
again.

Black drips onto the cold pale tile.

Salty.

My lungs begging me
to just
b r e a t h e .

(Over
&
over
&
over
&
over
it plays)

How foolish they made me feel.
For thinking I could be in love.

How human of me.

Ashamed.

Alone?

(Over
&
over
&
over
&
over)

Headaches,
searching for a solution.

How dare we exist within the same lifetime.

Tears eliminating my vision.
Distorted.

Drowning.
I don't know how to swim.

I reach out my hand.
Will you be there to pull me up?

Coughing up
my heart.

(Over
&
over
&
over)

The music will still play.
Growing louder or fading?

Once again
or never again?

What will we choose?

What's for the best?

What's for the best.

Over
&
over
&
over
&
over.

masochistic

DElizabeth Oct 2021

masochistic

if getting hurt
is what it will take
to feel his care and love
again, then so be it...

Melatonin

DElizabeth Aug 2021

Melatonin

I no longer care if the maximum dose
has a side effect of nightmares
of you not loving me,
I would rather be asleep
than feel this with
my eyes
open.

metamorphosis

DElizabeth Sep 2021

metamorphosis

I open the door
to a richly-colored sky
painted with
vivid pinks & oranges,
golds & violets.

A field of hydrangeas
surrounds us
as a monarch
crosses my vision
to the sky...

An evolution of the self,
A transformation
to a new me.

I see you there,
I only feel happy...

Overflowing with love
for you,
will you let me love you
the way I know I can?

You saved me from
drowning
even when you didn't
know how to swim.

"In this together"...
I hear.

We embrace
but I only feel
alert...protecting us.

Protecting us from
division,
no one will hurt us,
no one will divide us,
no one will take us away.

I walk with you
hand in hand,
only feeling warm
& free...myself.

I will always be here
for you.

A dream
of foreshadow
I pray.
A new & happier me.
A loved & loving us.

me without you

DElizabeth Dec 2023

me without you

my evening walk,

i barely remember a thing.

a blur of street lamps polluting the night sky full of stars with names we can't pronounce...

you is all that occupies my mind now.

i hope that is okay

is that okay? . . .

i haven't forgotten about you

without me,

but me without you

i have.

an unthinkable time

an unbearable thought

an uncomfortable feeling.

i wasn't sure what i wanted then,

but i'm sure now that i don't want your feelings to ever change.

i don't know my way back yet

but i will.

& when i do i promise i will let you know...

i don't know what it is yet

but there's something about you

that pulls me into your orbit

& something about me

that draws you closer into my gravity...

"you can't have one without the other"

we don't know what it is yet,

but when we do,

we'll let each other know.

midnight love

DElizabeth Oct 2022

midnight love

~~

what do you do when
you are not your best friend's best friend?

i have to remember,
all long nights come to an end

what do i do when
their silver is my gold?

i must remember,
you'll still be here when you're old

what do you do when
you'd break your back just to see them break a smile?

i can remember,
it won't be forever, just a long while

what should I do when
i can no longer pretend?

i tell myself,
even the worst of days all come to an end

~~

mirror

DElizabeth Feb 2022

mirror

i wince
when i
look at
you
because
all i see
and feel
now
is myself
through
your eyes..
and the worst
part is,
i'm not sure
what i look like..

mirror monster

DElizabeth Mar 2022

mirror monster

if i cringe

or quickly look away

when i see you..

know that it isn't

because it's you..

it's because i don't like

the version of myself

that i feel you see

when you look back

at me...

missing. .

DElizabeth Jan 2022

missing. .

i miss laughing with you.

that feel of the both of us being on one side. .

i miss you telling me things.

anything & everything. .
the not-so-"little" things & the significant things. .
the victories & the darkness. .

i miss you walking by.

that strong eye contact & undeniable soul connection in that fleeting moment. .

didn't we have it? . . . . .

where did we go? . .

was it when you left? . .

or was it while i was next to you? . .

did you even want me to hold your hand? . .

was it okay that i rested my cheek upon your shoulder? . .

did you like that i clung tightly onto your arm? . .

i was afraid of losing you . .

but now i feel i'm living the future in the present,
and it is the most painful thing thus far . .

missing you is madness

DElizabeth Sep 2021

missing you is madness

tiny cold raindrops fall sporadically
onto my scarlet cheeks.
i close my eyes, looking up to the sky
i stick my tongue out
to catch them.

Violins, harps, & cellos. . .
a crescendo. . .

maximum melatonin
dosage
just to ensure sleep
away from hurting.

missing you is madness.
all i want is to r u n . . .

though i never feel like i know
whether or not
i want to run towards
or away from you.

Mistaken

DElizabeth Jun 2021

Mistaken

I could lay here and cry
and you'll never know why

I could finish writing
and hope that then you'll
understand

Never knowing if you'll
want to be my soft place to land.
As I'm falling, will I barely miss your hand?

Hoping maybe then
will you see.
Please, don't be too hard with me...

I'm hard enough on myself already...

mo. 1

DElizabeth Nov 2023

mo. 1

"to be ignored is to have your existence denied."

mo. 5

DElizabeth Jan 2022

mo. 5

"roses are red
violets are blue
you're still my love
even though i know i'm not to you.."

valentines day '22

Modern Shakespeare

DElizabeth Feb 2021

Modern Shakespeare

Others don't know how fortunate they are to be able to do something as simple as watching the sun sink across the horizon with the one that they love.

I cannot.

monsters

DElizabeth May 2022

monsters

1 melatonin
4 melatonin
5 melatonin
10.

Attempts to keep
waking monsters at bay...
soon asleep
even still won't go away.

moon

DElizabeth Mar 2022

moon

ash-free air
fading skyline

melodies of
rich warm
and
harmonies of
deep cool

muted pastels,
peaches and pinks
matching her cheeks

Pluto Projector
Rex Orange County

stargazing
solo

star clusters
galaxies
constellations

bears
archers
scorpions
scales

off-balance
head spinning
stomach turning
breath caught
and eyes closed...

she swore the moon
was advancing

whispering
how happy her sun is
with her absence...

Moonlight Ballroom

DElizabeth Aug 2021

Moonlight Ballroom

I want to dance
with you
someday
to all of our
sweetest songs
in the dark
with only the
light of the moon
& trillions of stars
drifting above us.

More

DElizabeth Feb 2021

More

You don't motivate me
to be(come) someone I am not.

You don't motivate me
to represent something I am not.

You don't motivate me
to be less myself.
~~~~~
You motivate me
to be(come) better.
To be the best version of myself
that I could possibly be.
You motivate me
to be an authentic human being.
To be true to myself.
~~~~~
With you,
I am more myself.
With you,
I am more.

Thank you <3

more near than far

DElizabeth Nov 2021

more near than far

waiting for
the day
where my
vulnerability
feels
like a
strength
instead of a
weakness