i showed you the garden,
it had been too long.

i see you in everything,
fires, scars, stars, flowers.

you loved the morning glory,
you'd never seen anything like it before.

the sun
kissed me
as the
night's knife,
unsympathetic, honed, & deafeningly-silent,
took me...
took me
to the headstone
like ebenezer
on christmas eve...
i knew what
i was getting myself
into
but i dove in
anyway. . .

every night when i close my eyes,
you follow me,
you tap me on the shoulder
& ask if we could talk for a moment,
there is something important
you want to say...

so i listened but everything you said
i couldn't understand,
it was like a different language,
from another planet or another land.

i was too busy trying to be sure that you loved me
that i didn't realize i wasn't loving you the way that i undeniably do.

i feel more myself
when you are looking at me...

i feel most myself
when i allow myself to be me...
obnoxious...
goofy...
selfless...
beautiful...
happy...
­emotional...

when you look at me
from across the room...
i feel myself...
sensitive...
strong...
hated...
vulnerable...
honest...­
individual...
loving...
clumsy and careful...
simultaneous...

and it's one of the best feelings i've ever felt...

i've seen a lot of eyes
but yours are the only ones i never look away from

i've seen a lot of smiles
but yours is the most genuine of them all

i've heard a lot of voices
but yours i always catch in a room full of people

i've met a lot of people
but you are my favorite

if i woke up
and didn't remember
you...
would you
make me fall for you
all over again?
A chance to love
each other again...
a beautiful hope
with endless possibilities...
or would you
take the opportunity
to become
a stranger...
unacquainted...
unfamiliar...
falling into the background
instead of for me? . . . . .

"never confide your fears"
she told me . .

but what if i tell them to
the one person i want to trust?

and what if that is the one person
that always breaks it?

you think you're winning

but i'm just as quick

you want me to crumble

crumble i may, but i have a whole deck up my sleeve

you think you're fooling me..

but i silently move across the board

fcking tired from playing this game of yours

free me...free me...

i'll let you make your moves

let you bend my fingers backwards until they break.

when i point them at you

show me the mirror all you want

i'll shatter it to bits

shards of glass cutting the skin on my knuckles

i'll show you i can hurt and still stand strong.

villain

make me that

make me fit into your box

show me off to all your friends

tell them what i've done

talk me down

tear me down

tell them what a monster i am

blood-thirsty gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws.

you want me to believe your image of myself..

want me to forget who i am..

hate myself..

self-destruct.

hold you accountable.

all the while you do nothing..say nothing

framing me.

molding me into the villain for the world to see..

but i see what you're doing

you know what you're doing..

you know..

but i know who i am

i know what i've said

i know what i meant

i know how i feel

why punish me for not knowing how you feel when you refuse to tell me..show me..

you *want me to be your villain so you don't become one..

that isn't how it works

we both know that

you know what you've said

you know what you never said

never done

you know how you left

with nothing..

giving me nothing

make me your villain

not your lover

make me your monster

not your love

make me into everything i know i'm not

have you forgotten who i am?...

who i was?...

have you forgotten that easily?...

what do you see when you look into the mirror and why hurt me for it?

i watch you, as you think you're succeeding

in bringing me to the ground

the ashes of your ex-villains

i know what i've said

i know what i've done

and don't tell me i don't when you punish me for it every waking moment...

score keeper...

while i forgave (but never forgot) the second after it happened..

i have to hold you accountable, i said..

i can admit and take responsibility for the hurt i have inflicted

but could you ever?...

for one moment, see the damage that you've done in return?...

you say you want me
to open up...
let you in...
show you the source
of the hurt..

so i do.
i trust you wouldn't
hurt me..
betray me..

and every time
i fall for it.

you graze your fingers
across my rib cage..
trusting you'll be
gentle this time..
loving this time..
my chest opened
for you to see everything that's inside..

'i'm not going to hurt you'
you say..
right before you
break the bones apart
and rip my heart out from inside..
you hold it in front of me
to see..
making sure i'm watching..
trusting my heart in your hands
no longer,
you recklessly let it fall
to the ground
and you walk over it..
making sure it crumbles beneath
your feet..
it was warm..
alive..
beating..
full of nothin but love..

"i want to protect what's in there"
you say..
no..
you don't.

I'm sorry
I am hurting.
Soon, love
I will be
no
longer
your
concern..

i really wish i knew what you feel when you look at me now.

and even now as i tell our story,
it sounds like fiction
rolling jagged off of my tongue.

so unthinkable
that i have to remind myself that
it really happened.

****** if we do
****** if we don't.

It didn't take long
for you to realize
this has been a breath
of fresh air.

Deprived of reassurance,
while you know that's what I need.

I've felt everything
I need to feel to know
how much I mean.

How foolish of me.
It won't be long...

Don't look for me
when all you've taught me
is how to rely on no one but myself
when I needed you most.

My father asked you
"What are your intentions with her?"

You told him
"Nothing. We're just friends."

I used to wish
you would notice
when I'm sad.

Now I wish
when I notice you noticing
my sadness,
you would do something...
a n y t h i n g
about it.
say something...
a n y t h i n g
about it.

i'm not always
good at words.

but i know
you are good
at reading my eyes.

so don't stop looking,
because you're the only one
who ever really does.

I wish you were here
to wipe away the fear
that
f
a
l
l
s
from my eyes
from asking all my "why's?"

Tired of all these sighs
from hiding all these cries.

Thinking we have spies
to keep us from our tries.

i am still
the one
you once
wanted.

you've
always
been
the one
i've
wanted.

but you're
no longer
the one
who
once
wanted me.

You are made up of your
past & present
thoughts
feelings
beliefs
emotions
ideas
actions
words
mi­stakes
& victories.

But these things do not define who you are.
They are a reflection of
who you were
who you were trying to be
who you are
& who you are becoming.

It is only human of you
to look back at your journey
& feel a n g e r
towards yourself for saying the words you said
doing the things you did
making the mistakes you made
& even not saying the words you maybe should have.

But it is also only human of you
to do all of those things.
You must forgive yourself
free yourself
allow yourself to let go
allow yourself to make room
for more mistakes
more heartaches
more pathways for the new journey ahead of you.

There is so much more that lies ahead
than what is behind you.

It's only human of you

~ forgive yourself ~

It's only human of you

you'll hate the sky
because it'll remind you of me

you'll hate the woods
because they'll remind you of me

you'll hate little white flowers
because they'll remind you of me

you go everywhere but where we have been

you walk everywhere but where i am

you don't love me anymore, suppose you never did.

you won't convince me otherwise..

Hand in hand.

You & me.

Today,

Tomorrow,

Forever...

The second I hear the first
note on those black & white keys,
the first few words
sung
my eyes are desperately
searching for you.
Darting back and fourth across the room.
Salty seas welling up inside of my eyes.

My soul is longing to feel
connected with yours again.
Liberated.
I feel you listening to our song
too somewhere.

Though I cannot see you,
I know you are there.
We exist on a completely different plane
than everyone else.
Far off & together.
One mind,
One heart.

Most of the time
I feel outnumbered.
An army of thoughts
out to push me into a corner
& make me feel small.
I must not let them.
I will not let them.

I am strong
enough to lift myself up
& hold my head up high
enough to see the hopeful sun
rising above the horizon.
But there's always a part inside of me
that wants to be protected by you.
A part inside of me
that wants to be saved by you
from myself.

This, I want to be for you.
Protect you,
know you,
care for you.
When you feel outnumbered
& the darkness is closing in,
I will be there by you
to remind them that the two of us together
can undeniably outnumber armies of them.

I had all of you

I wish I had you for the most part

I have some of you

I feel like I have none of you

I'm afraid if you had all of me
you'd want to go back to having only
some.

Don't be afraid of what can only help you

Change is scary.
not always but more often than not.

Change can also be
beautiful
necessary
renewing
& healing.

Embrace history making,
embrace  y o u r  change,
embrace the new,
embrace the unknown,
& embrace  s p r i n t i n g  out of
your comfort zone
with every intent to
g r o w
into the
m o r e
beautiful human being you are
w o n d e r f u l l y  &  f e a r f u l l y  created
to be

words.

turning my pain into words.

never to hurt

only to heal,

myself.

to help me process . .

help me cope . .

help me learn . .

help me grow . .

help me change .  .

help me feel & express

the mess that's tangled within . .

help me remember,

who i am.

i realize i don't have to end things

in order for my endless night to cease . .

i only have to keep waking up

until my sun finally rises with me .  .

i can learn to live

learn to survive

learn to thrive

in the darkness . .

blindly trusting

that the sun will rise again

through my seemingly endless night . . .

How is it possible
to experience something
that has never
happened (yet?)?

fMRIs of brains under emotional pain show neural activity in the exact same regions (insula, dACC, and thalamus) when physical pain is felt.

i'm scared i'm not your safe space anymore..

afraid i no longer feel like home for you..

(home should feel safe...comforting...warm...and familiar..
only now you make me feel damaging...uncomfortable...cold...& unfamiliar..)

~~~

deprived of your gentle touch..

the warmth of your ivory skin,

violet veins beneath the surface..

(was it all a facade?..
i thought i knew which was which..
"i feel like you don't know me . . .)

~~~

i feel pale.

fevered flushed cheeks; a warm cinnamon..

celestial confetti decorates my skin..

i yawn. sleepily walking through a soiree..

i look for you.

but i can never find you anymore..

i reach out my hand and . . .

~~~

. . .i fall to the forest floor..

it's quieter than usual.

snowflakes drifting down, lightly dusting the frosty limbs..

the bridge we once crossed, what was on the other side? . .

~~~

am i really afraid of losing you?

or am i afraid of losing them?

or am i only afraid of losing myself . . .

~~~

which is worse?

i ask myself:

mourning the loss of a loved one who is no longer with us..

or mourning the loss of someone who is still breathing, loving & living on somewhere without you?...

he makes the mundane feel romantic
and the ordinary feel extraordinary.

things like paper boats, white wildflowers on the side of the road, times of birth, or picking up fallen-over magazines from the floor at the store.

he makes me want to dance
like no one is watching.

he makes me want to
chase my wildest dreams
and stop at nothing or no one.

he makes me want to touch him
until our cheeks are colored crimson,
salty sweat drips from our brows,
and we fall asleep from sweet exhaustion.

he makes me want to
fall and fly &
grow and cry

he makes me want to
run away from this place
we call "home"
to make a new one from nothing.

he makes me want to
love myself and never look back
to what held me from doing so.

he makes me want to love him..
he makes me want to love him
no matter how hard..
no matter how easy..

A lifetime spent
with you
still wouldn't be
long enough...

secondhand high

vicarious emotions

secondary euphoria

suppressed longings

prolonged potential priority

dulling delight

increased heartbeat

pleasurable palpitations

butterflies flitter & tickle my tummy

i quiver, a subtle shiver

increased respiration

imitation crab

foul aftertaste, rubber, fallacy, fooled.

the real deal

i long for

"i only want what's right in front of me"

pretentious playmates

camouflage lightning bug signals

flicker, flash

morse code.

survival mode.

bioluminescence life-making

instinctive matchmaking

burning the matches down to the fingertips

"just to feel something, anything"

yearning, aching . . .

married like the geese, we are

"desperate times call for desperate measures"

or

"love is blind"

they say.

selective hearing...

but i loved him with my eyes wide open.