I want to feel
your hand gently
touch my warm
cheek, blushed with red
that you put there
since I saw you from across
the room. . .

I'd give anything
just to see you happy
and well and at peace with
yourself,
even if that means I am
no longer a part in your life. . .

I dream of being held by you,
and wrapping my arms
around you tight
when I'm afraid we'll let go. . .

Will we let go? . . .

I know now that all who came
before you prepared me
to love you. . .
I was dead but now
I am  a l i v e
when I feel you watching me. . .

The songs never made sense before,
I was making everyone
fit the words
but you. . .
the music takes flight
and the words fit just right.
The melodies and harmonies
are reality
no longer fantasy. . .

I want to dance with you
beneath the light of billions of
suns & watch you grow
throughout the years. . .

I still sigh your name
beneath my breath
by accident when I miss you most. . .
Y o u  are my reflex.
Y o u are my reason to love harder.
I want to be your reason.
I want to be your oxygen. .
And I want to be your everything. . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it all just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you’re all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you don't really know me,
do you wish you never did?

one look from you,
now you wish that you hid

"no need to have it all worked out, love
you're just a kid!"
if my heart ever followed yours
would you want to get rid?

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it all just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
Now I’m all that you need
And you're all that i see

Will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

"i'm writing a song!"
i wish i'd say to you,
and if i just said it
would you wish you never knew?

and ever since you touched me
my heart, it just grew

but now i really see you
and it's all so blue . . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you're all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you used to call me
just to say sweet things.
my heart broke, but you made it feel free
I thought I opened yours, darling
but I see, one stroke & I made it flee

you helped me see
there’s more than just pain,
you made me believe
and now there’s just rain

I would take a bullet for you
Would you do the same?
I was just being myself
You made me feel insane . . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you're all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

although the leaves have turned brown
& the wind has them fallen to the ground,
the sky has turned a shade of gray
& the air bites gently at fingertips,
pumpkins & pies take over dinner plates
& multicolored lights decorate our homes,

i will always remember him with sunkissed skin
& soft brown wind-blown hair,
that same wide smile
& a smooth warm voice,
with summer-crazed eyes
& a daisy in his hair . . .
<3

I want to remember
what it feels like
to kiss you gently & slowly
to the beat of our hearts
in sync,
catching our breath. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can look into your
eyes without another pair
watching?

I want to know what it is like
to give you my attention &
all of my passion
without a poisonous thought
of doubt creeping into
my mind. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can feel your
undeniable attention begging
to have a glimpse of
my aching soul? . . .

When is our turning page?
Will there ever be? . . .

Papercuts is all I feel,
when do I get to
feel your safety
overwhelm me? . . .

Will there ever be a time
when I get to whisper
that nothing makes me stronger
than your fragile heart? . . .

Wherever you go,
I want to be there. . .
as long as you want me to
be there too.

To hear your voice
say my name
again

To see your eyes
glance at me from across the room
again

To say to you
everything will be okay
again

To smile ear-to-ear
laughing about absolutely nothing &
being goofy together
again

To listen to our favorite songs
in complete comfortable silence
again

To have pure intentions & hopes
for the future
again

To feel your lips
pressed against my neck,
goosebumps raising,
pulling each other close

To talk for hours with you
about anything & everything
again

To feel your protective touch
standing next to me
again

To breathe jubilant life & unconditional love
into each other
again...

yesterday was two years ago.

you told me the only difference you saw was that my hair was longer.

you saw parts of me, blacker than the ink in the well.

i saw you. faced you. lungs aflame with vibrations of anger.

stood, bags packed, one palm on the glass door, one extended to keep you at arms length.

and i still loved you.

more than i loved myself.

the dry heat
and dusty air

bare feet
and rolled up jeans

citrus trees of
oranges
lemons
limes
and grapefruits

the dusty blue blinds
replaced with
clean white new ones

the old is moving out,
but the memories
will always remain

the days i'd walk across
the rough sandy bricks,
arms stretched out
on either side of me
balancing my way
from one side of the yard
to the other

summer breeze
messy caramel hair

my side hurts
from running around
in the itchy cool grass

cheeks flushed
morning to evening

vibrant colors
painted the sky

the downtown
city lights
twinkling softly

feeling
homesick,
nostalgic,
downhearted,
euphoric.

won'­t you come with me?

will i get to show you?

all the places i've been,
i've left a piece of me behind..
and taken a piece of every place
with me..
part of me now.

won't you come?

the places i grew up,
and walked around
when i was younger

i still live there..
i always have..
my forever home.

the smell of the
mountains
and fresh seaside air..

the In-N-Out burgers
and endless museums
& theaters..

the place i've always known
yet long to know even more..

so much i haven't seen,
would you want to see it
together?

would you love our adventure
or only pretend for me? . .

this place that belongs to me
and i in reciprocal..

just a taste, just a glimpse
home is where i feel it is..

I cannot compete because I've already won.

Our strength
tears through the fabric of time.
We can take our time,
there's no need to rush..

Our love
perpetually growing,
u n s t o p p a b l e
within every fiber of our being.

Our trust
tested through trial & error.

Our vulnerability,
our fragile hearts
placed in each other's hands
for safekeeping.

Our minds
given away in pieces,
bite-size.
The unspeakable depths
unveiled..
hiding away no more...

the hum of the house

baby blue sheer curtains looming over me

sprawled sleeplessly on the stuffy carpet

seeking comfort from the suffocating sheets

they try to wrap me, trap me within the nightmares of losing you
over and over and over and over again

i listen

it's eerily peaceful without the whirring of the a.c.
broken, peak summer

the faint hiss of the sprinklers

i miss the cool morning dew on the grass overwhelming my sense of touch

everything takes my breath now

the scent of untouched morning air
crisp. innocent.

awaiting the day to begin

awaiting the quiet awakening of everyone else

it's been lonely, i'll admit.

i suppose i promised lonely.

it doesn't have to be, i know.

i stand at my window, lean against the frame

warmth of my breath fogging the glass
as i study the colors of the dawn

gradient blues & hints of shy pink

colors of an infant day

not many sleepy eyes get to see
que lastima

if lonely is what it'll take,
then lonely is what it'll be.

i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you..
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you...
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you....
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.....
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.

Restless.

Tossing & turning...

Thick, suffocating sheets
clinging to my pale skin.

Reaching out into the dark
for anything
to hold...

For any kind of comfort
that you never gave.

I open my eyes hesitantly
awaiting the pain
that never came..

I attempt to give
my body the nourishment
it needs,
wants,
longs for
& deserves..

I drive,
screaming "Heather"
into a safe void
I made for myself
to crumble into pieces.

I realize that
with others,
everything feels out of control..
but by myself,
i am sure of everything.

I wash the day
out of my brown-red hair.

tie it back
with the hair tie
i lent you that one day..

i sit at my desk
and write..
write
write
write..

what else can i do?

what else do people do when
they are seconds from
running towards
what makes then happy..

running towards
what makes them feel at home..

running towards
what makes them feel real.. human.. most like themselves..

running towards
what makes them feel like nothing will ever stop them..

running towards
the one they were created to become & place they were meant to be..

running towards
what makes them feel  a l i v e

leaping with jubilance
into the arms of love, innocence, and vulnerability..

yet simultaneously deniably
running from
what is pulling their heart apart
into trillions of pieces
in all directions,
scattered across
the void that was once a safe space?..

For the first time in what feels like forever,
I felt most myself tonight..
Felt more human than ever.

Standing in the bluegrass field,
gazing up at the swirling hues
that made up the night's sky,
violet, navy, fuchsia, gold..
A single tear drop falling
from my eyes
as I listen to a song
my lover gave to me.

This is when I feel most human.
Most myself.
When I feel the depths of the earth
beneath my feet
as I loose my balance & grasp on
everything I had previously come to know,
as I become fixated upon the
vivid masterpiece above..
As I feel my broken heart
still somehow beating
out of my chest
even though it is hurting & scattered
across the fertile grounds
like seeds of love to be sown..

I took a deep breath in...

I closed my eyes & let my
hands fall to my sides.
I opened my eyes & looked past
the horizon..
I noticed the softness of my hair
grazing my cheek as it was sweeping
across my vision gently by the
breeze..

In that moment,
I felt like me.

Standing there, I knew who I was.
And I know that no one will ever
convince me otherwise..

****** if we do
****** if we don't.

It didn't take long
for you to realize
this has been a breath
of fresh air.

Deprived of reassurance,
while you know that's what I need.

I've felt everything
I need to feel to know
how much I mean.

How foolish of me.
It won't be long...

Don't look for me
when all you've taught me
is how to rely on no one but myself
when I needed you most.

i prefer the lights dim, because that way i can't see the details on my skin...my dark circles, the little red spots speckled & scattered across my cheeks like a sky full of stars.

i'm going to miss her.

i will be fast asleep while she's high in the sky, on her way to paradise.

she will be worrying about us

she will be out at sea, in the middle of the north atlantic while i am counting the hours until she returns home.

"goodnight, mom"

i say to her one last time.

i love her

& i hope she knows that.

endless summer sky
full of color
full of clouds,
a sea of stars
while down below a stream of cars

streaks of lights, swirls of trees
and that warm summer breeze

i can still hear the music,
is it only me?
and i hope we'll never lose it.

days of sunshine
but nights of memories,
what if this? . . . what if that?
never really knowing,
if i could only go back . . .

i was always on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i said or how i said it
i'd never be one of your folks

your butterflies have left
me for her,
now i'm lonely, i'm lovesick
and they haven't found a cure

summer nights,
long drives
high tides and navy skies,
toes tangled in the tall grass
fireflies blinking and shimmering
like stained glass

days that would never end
and nights we could never forget,
texts i could never send
and words from my tongue i would never let . . .

i will always be on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i'll say or how i'll say it
i will never be one of your folks

i always have "too much" to say
yet never know what to say,
i always have it on my mind
yet never know how to say it

when will it be over . . .
my heart feels blue,
but no amount of dandelions
could make my wish come true . . .

always the alien
never the native,
when will i get to be the friend,
not the foe? . . .

love is not meant to be kept
but given without restraint,
i always give and give and give and give
but no one is willing to reciprocate.

the ones i pour my love out for
never really deserve it . . .
the pain adds up,
until i'm pouring from an empty cup.

i just want to love again
and to be loved once more . . .
once more and as the one again,
and nevermore the alien

the reassuring, embracing
sensation
of my bare feet
testing the ground,
with sleepy eyes..

the wam, soft rain
pattering against my window..
asking for my hand for a dance..

the construction workers
up and at 'em
at the corner..

the tiny bird
chirping
as the sky turns from
deep indigo
to teal
to pale blue
with the sun's vivid golden rising..

the owl outside
synchronous with
the grandfather clock
gong downstairs..

an ambulance siren already...

the rumble of the world..
cars whirring and
crisp, spring,
early morning breeze..

the foggy, green-blue tint of the atmosphere..
familiarity and comfort..

the twinkle of the dew
intricately laced atop the blades of grass
unseen for months of snow..

i look back at the impression
in my bed from where i had slept.

brushed the hair out from my eyes
and headed for the door..

I'd rather be hurt with honesty than lied to and still get hurt.

Dilute the ache if you can
Even if you can't sugar coat
Please tell me you'll love me from afar
Afar, i will love you
Reaching, stretching far into oblivion
Torture, to miss you
Unable to touch you
Remember me, darling, remember me . . .
Even if you forget to

Don't say one thing
then do another

Don't tell me
you never want to
hurt me
while you carve your
name onto my heart
with your knife
then say you didn't know

and i'll pull you along
until there's no need
as we run with whimsy along
the unbounded lakes

i will be right there
from sunrise to sunset
& all of the suns in between

our summer captured in seconds
until september ends,
we'll replay it until the curtain closes

a summer felt
in toes buried deep in the hot sand,
in cinnamon roll icing on the tips of our tongues,
in the tall grass that makes our legs itch,
& in the sting from a day spent too long beneath the sun

i'll hold your hand
as we drive through those trees
with the same sultry breeze
running wild through your sandy hair

a summer
through a camera lens,
where the glances are noticed only by
you & me

the graze of your fingertips
turn me wild, maddened with deepened
desire and fondness
as the road widens & winds

a summer
painted in blinding golds & puffy pinks,
far away from all the cities & dreams.
"this is one of our own," you'll say, as we build our house of hopes

the frogs & crickets
are no match for our harmony
& the unpicked flowers should be jealous
of the ones i will place behind your ear

a summer of
flushed cheeks & breathlessness,
fireflies in gentle palms,
& dandelion seeds scattered across your river

leaves with veins,
something so fragile-perceived
can grow through crack or concrete

i will move closer
& hold onto you tightly
even if we're in a sea of strangers

a summer of firsts
and exploration
and experiences

a summer of rain,
fireworks on your birthday
and sitting through lightning storms with you because you want me to

a summer of doting
and "finally"'s
and running

only this time,
not away from something
but towards  e v e r y t h i n g . . . . .

World still spins
Onward & outward it goes
Undeniably unapologetic
New, old, borrowed, blue
Downward & upward we go

i sit up breathing slow and deep..

aware of the slight, still trembling of my limbs..

careful to part my lips slightly while exhaling.

it left a bad taste on my tongue.. that sensation i dreaded..

i noticed every detail of everything surrounding me in my little room..

on my nightstand, all of the essentials..

the empty copper cup my stepfather had handed me, full, now empty of water..
replace lost fluids..

my nearly empty baby blue glass water bottle..

a cold pack, now lukewarm to room temperature from being pressed against my feverishly warm skin.. alternating.. forehead..stomach..neck..forehead..stomach..neck..
filled with hundreds of those micro gel beads..baby blue.

a recently opened crinkly bag of Saltine crackers my mother had given me to settle my stomach that was either not favoring something i had eaten several hours before..or not favoring the lack of the food that i should have eaten..

my alarm clock, reminding me that i have to wake up soon.. work.. i thought i was sure i didn't feel like going..
my stomach turned at the thought when i entertained it..

"You think you won't feel better by then?"
my mother had asked me..
i knew that i would..

i had 2 hours to recover..to sleep...
but the 2 hours had come and gone within a slow blink..
no sleep...
but recovery and comfort had become mine at least...

sleep, recently, had never come as easily as it always had before..

the warm and comforting rain would commence soon..

my book..a quarter of the way read..my great escape..
newly discovering a gift of narration, and simultaneously hoping it wouldn't cease with finishing the book..

and my retainer that i had comically and seemingly unconsciously swiped off before the incident so that they wouldn't get ruined..
only now it had occurred to me that i hadn't removed them in attempt to protect them from stomach acids.. but to alleviate the nauseating taste lingering on my tongue..

had i been selfish?

no...now was not the time to be ******* myself..
it hardly ever was..

focusing harder..

a massage bar strong with fragrant peppermint and cinnamon, pushed as far away from my nose as possible..
placed atop my vanity just on the other side of my nightstand..

my auburn hair, disheveled yet perfectly placed amidst..

a thick, extra blanket tossed aside at the foot of my bed..
reduce the fever
i had intended..

my poorly folded shorts and socks i had removed..

my electronics in disarray beneath my writing desk..
laptop charger plugged into the wall yet unplugged from the laptop itself..
my earbuds still attached, carelessly dangling to the floor..
the DSM-5 ever-so-gently placed atop my laptop..

i was always aware of the tremendous amount of books in my room..those lived in..and those awaiting their turn to have their pages grazed and loved..

and my little dog, cozied and nestled into her reciprocally little round bed in the corner of the room..
sleeping soundly with one eye open, always protecting us both..

my bedroom door open, i could hear the distant and gentle sound of dishes clattering and soft, running water..
pots and plates and plastic cups...

my mother must have decided to wash some dishes instead of trying to rejoin my stepfather in slumber..

or had he been awake, getting ready for work?

one thing i was sure of..

i suddenly frowned, corners of my mouth turned downward..

i suddenly felt bad and sorry for waking them..

ashamed..
thought this shame had not come from an external source..
irrational..
i am getting better at this..

but i realized then that had they not cared for me, they both would not have come running up the stairs at 3:50 a.m.

they showed me during my darkest moments..mostly.

my stepfather in his warm gentle temperature-checking hand grazing across my forehead as i sat, weak on the bathroom floor..
furrow between my brows, a tear gliding down my cheek.

my mother, in the way she stayed..sat with me for an hour after
as we ruled out the etiology..
in the way her strong hands massaged my feet, for comfort..

asking for help is okay..
i reminded myself..

being vulnerable
and allowing others..
the ones with pure intentions
to see me at my best..worst..and ugliest..
and looking for the moments they show me they even still love me..

courage..
in a NEW way..
something i had to get used to..

i miss laughing with you.

that feel of the both of us being on one side. .

i miss you telling me things.

anything & everything. .
the not-so-"little" things & the significant things. .
the victories & the darkness. .

i miss you walking by.

that strong eye contact & undeniable soul connection in that fleeting moment. .

didn't we have it? . . . . .

where did we go? . .

was it when you left? . .

or was it while i was next to you? . .

did you even want me to hold your hand? . .

was it okay that i rested my cheek upon your shoulder? . .

did you like that i clung tightly onto your arm? . .

i was afraid of losing you . .

but now i feel i'm living the future in the present,
and it is the most painful thing thus far . .

i have a habit of
giving people
more chances
than they deserve...

three strikes?...no 5!...well maybe 10.

less is more.

i always mistaken
moths for butterflies

i always mistaken
weeds for flowers

and it's always difficult to tell
the difference
between
queen anne's lace
& hemlock.

I used to wish
you would notice
when I'm sad.

Now I wish
when I notice you noticing
my sadness,
you would do something...
a n y t h i n g
about it.
say something...
a n y t h i n g
about it.

Not being able
to love you
is exhausting.

i've been making eye contact with a lot of 11:11s lately.

i hope it will rain tomorrow. i need someone to understand how this feels. the clouds never fail to do so.

i made sure i ate today and that might be my favorite little victory for the day.

i wait for you to say the word but fear it may never be said.

i got another mosquito bite today...that's 23.

i got really excited earlier when i felt my phone vibrate! i thought you were calling me but it was actually just a robot.

i laughed so hard earlier that my stomach hurt when my sister asked me who taylor lautner is married to...it's funny because her name is also taylor. if you know you know.

"love is patient"
is the first line.

they say if you insert their name in replacement for "love", and it is all true, then they're the one for you...i promise i am trying to be everything love is for you...

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror as i study my eyes and everything i used to be and never was that i so suddenly am.

this work-in-progress-yet-a-masterpiece of a mind, body, & old soul of mine.

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror...only that i hope you like what you see when you see me.

i threw away the rest of the brownies i baked in the trash because no one would finish them. they were air-stale.

it's (not) funny because that seems to be what happens in real life, isn't it? the love, time, thought, & effort we pour into others ends up thrown out because it goes unappreciated...or even worse...unloved in reciprocal.

(and no i'm not referring to you, you know who you are (i hope))

you'd think one would get used to it after many years.

but maybe not us. no, not those like us. it always hits as if it's the first time we're feeling it.

i made an interesting observation over the past several months: no matter how many chances i give others and no matter HOW many times they've hurt, disappointed, or let me down...it STILL surprises me. EVERY. SINGLE. time. and i don't know how...i don't know why...i don't know why.

i also made another observation...one less interesting but all the more wonderful: i can dance like no one's watching to the songs i used to cry to or skip...if that doesn't say healing i don't know what does.

11:11

i wish you will find that healing and peace soon, too.

i sit & stare at my beige-painted walls wondering how long "a while" is.

i realize that maybe i'm not something to be indulged in all at once, for that would simply be too much, too soon, too quickly. i'm something to be savored...a drink to sip, never guzzled without manners... something to be cherished & deeply considered...something to take your time with, never rush through or overlook all that i am comprised of.

this poem originally was supposed to be about self-pity. & how i am only tolerable in small amounts...but now it is a poem of self-recognition. & how potent my whole mind, my whole heart, my whole body, my whole truth, my whole presence is to be explored, admired, seen, known, understood, wanted, felt, accompanied, & loved.

somber slow-motion days pass me by in a slumberesque daze

cars zip & zoom past street lamps carving wispy swirls of the early autumn fog across the pavement

city lights illuminate the misty atmosphere in muted hues of empty-mall-parking-lot-orange & stadium-blue

reminiscing the warm & vivid summer days when it was never raining, where we were never losing, always and only gaining.

a crowd surrounding

loud music, bass pounding.

grill smoke

"diet pepsi or coke?"

this must be a dream, a pinch & a poke

fireworks & crossed fingers

THIS MUST BE A DREAM... still the hope lingers...

there are so many people, pretty faces

& we are here, out of all of the places

i catch you staring, our eyes meet

the second you notice me notice you, you look back down to your feet...

i catch you staring again, our eyes lock

i don't want to go home, can't stop glancing at the clock...

i sat in my car for 20 minutes debating on speaking up

i let it be & left, this newfound chapter you are welcome to interrupt

glances shared between two...

i always find it crazy how no one else sees them, innocent & new...

it's like it was meant for us & only us...

only us will have those memories forever...only us . . .only us . . .

we will
speak in
songs
and
cursive lines
and
soft looks
from
across the
room
until
i am
no longer
sorry
for
loving
and
until
you know
how you
feel.
until we
both know
how
to say
what we
want...
desire...
need.