i went for a walk barefoot
in the middle of the night.

the first thing i noticed
was the scent of the dap earth beneath my sore feet.

the warm-cold concrete was like an old friend,
constant & comforting.

the wet cold grass
where i stood to take it all in...

i could smell the soft sweet citrus lingering from my conditioner in my hair, wrapping around me as the wind swept it up & away through the midnight breeze...

i stood there facing the street lamp at the corner of my street,
with my hands fallen limp to my sides,
closed my eyes & allowed myself to lose all sense of a tangible existence...

all i could smell enveloping my senses
was fresh-cut grass,
damp brown earth with a hint of sweet dirt & autumn hanging around the corner, coming out at any moment...
long nights & high school football games,
late nights drinking milkshakes & eating cheesy fries until the diner kicked us out...
crisp air filling my lungs as i took a deep breath in with my nostrils flared open to inhale as much of this beautiful, sensational scene...

when i come inside i think of you again.
shadows dance on kitchen walls
& dark vivid memories of you backing away from me with your hands up like i am some sort of officer coming to arrest your every boundary with no intention on returning them...
dark fading echos of your voice screaming...

i forget how to breathe when these memories come flooding in...
i forget how to breathe...

but i don't see it that way anymore...

i see us sitting on that bench with trees surrounding us,
side-by-side & shivering, talking about us & how we're going to make it out of this alive...

i can still see you with your hand placed gently on my knee as we sit at our spot behind the mall, sharing the summer's sweet strawberries from one fork...

i can still see you standing there in front of me in the pouring mother's day rain, in your black hoodie with your hands in your front pocket moments before our souls collide as our lips came together for the first time...

i can see you as you lean against your car with soft clumps of snowflakes falling between & all around us, and that tiny one that landed on your soft brown brow...

i can see us as we fogged up the windows in my car from talking for hours about anything & everything...

i see you with your head tilted back as your eyes close completely when you laughed at the funny noise i shouted in the parking lot just to be goofy...

i look up & i can see stars from up here

i can see you & all that we were

i can see light, the same light i had before you

i can feel everything i thought i lost from up here

i can hear songs from during you & notice that i don't cry anymore

i can taste the sweetness from knowing we don't have to resent each other...hate each other...forget each other...pretend the other doesn't exist.

i can feel the relief settle from our shoulders because the war has come to a truce

i can see the future from here, but this time bright & clear, far & near...

i can feel myself becoming more & more

i can feel the hurt & wounds spinning into healing & scars

from up here i can see myself bounding & bright, vivacious & bold, vibrant & radiant for the first time in a long time, i'm okay...

from up here i can see you...happy & for the first time in a long time, you're okay...

from up here i can see us walking, side-by-side...laughing, talking, nevermore  strangers, & for the first time in a long time, we're okay . . .

L O V E

i willingly rip it out from my chest.
i look down at it still beating, ******, and warm in my grip.
i look up to you and see that you want it...
i reluctantly hold it out towards you.
you hold your hands out with a gentleness that is foreign to me.
i hesitantly place it into your cold hands.
i wait and watch for your reaction...
i desperately look into you for something, anything...
and beg you to kiss it better...
you look down at the pulsing *****, overflowing with love for you,
then look up suddenly, but i find no motives...
only tears streaming down your cheeks, the biggest smile, and the most loving light in your eyes . . .

we are never
finished.
always growing,
forever changing.

we are simultaneously
masterpieces
& works-in-progress

we are
beautiful & messy
and full of life

we were
always a
masterpiece

we have museums
full of art & music
dancing within us

and only by
learning to appreciate
our own elements
will we appreciate
the perfectly imperfect
humanity of
others

You're my oxygen.

"Nothing lasts forever"
but they haven't seen us
together

twisted staircase
much like my mess of a mind

are you sick of me yet?...

i don't know how you feel
about me
but i want to be myself
with you

i want to try

i don't know how you feel
about us
but i want to try
to know what it's
supposed to feel like

what is it supposed to feel like?...

this "healthy love"
they speak of
as they tell me
not to do this
not to say that
never to share this
and definitely not that...

because
that's how i'll lose you...

are you sick of me yet?

will you be soon?

will you be then?

will you ever be sick of me
and will you tell me if you are?...

You never
answered
any of my
screams for help.

So I learned
to answer
my own.

the love
we give
is never
wasted

Are we a
m o m e n t
or
f o r e v e r . . . ?

Your best is enough.

"he isn't interested in you anymore.."


my eyes widen..
a worrisome furrow forms between my brows..
eyelids feeling heavier..
corners of my lips slowly descending into a downward smile..
a warm fresh flood of blood flushing my cheeks..
embarrassed..
sorry..
ashamed..
discouraged..
defensive.­.
fearful..
my vision becomes momentarily blurry
but i quickly reverse the possibility of tears..
i sit up and breathe deep..
i divert their attention to something trivial..
i won't let them see that it shattered my heart.

Love, break this fatal fever

.
couting days
counting hours
until i see your face;
i used to think,
but now i'm not sure what to...

i'm driving through your town
but your house is not where i am headed this time...
it's only a routine check-up, i say
but it feels like so much more...
i can't help but
replay
replay
replay
as i know you're only a mile away . . .

baby's breath
and side-walk daisies,
queen anne's lace
and roses;
they knew i left them for you
but now all that's there are thorns,
stuck in my gown but now it's all torn
as a stand where you left me,
left me waiting in the rain
in my ruby red shoes . . .

take me back, darling
to those long summer days
where warmth wrapped us into one
and nothing else mattered . . .

i didn't think i'd cry anymore
but darling i still think of you...
flying down grosebeck highway,
only a mile away from you...
i hear our songs
and it all comes back . . .

* f a d i n g . . . i ' m   f a d i n g . . .*
fading into you,
fading into me,
fading into us . . .
the flashbacks start and all i see is then . . .

the soft piano fades in
and sweet melodies echo
alongside your footsteps . . .
your sheer curtains and dusty window
and the way you looked up at me
as my hair fell upon your cheeks . . .
two heart beats but it sounds like one,
we spoke a language only we understood.
can we just go back to this? . . .
the way the blood pooled in your cheeks,
the were pink against mine
and you smiled as you held your eyes closed
darling, i didn't want to ever leave . . .

i could have stayed in that car with you forever
even if it meant i'd never be clever . . .
the piano softly fades,
like the phantom memory of your lips . . .
the sweet melodies fall,
just like i still do sometimes
when you look at me
with those all-knowing eyes . . .
.

You cannot give to others
what you haven't first given
to yourself.

Between loving and leaving.

~
i would give anything
to see you smiling
at me from the crowd...
~