i went for a walk barefoot
in the middle of the night.

the first thing i noticed
was the scent of the dap earth beneath my sore feet.

the warm-cold concrete was like an old friend,
constant & comforting.

the wet cold grass
where i stood to take it all in...

i could smell the soft sweet citrus lingering from my conditioner in my hair, wrapping around me as the wind swept it up & away through the midnight breeze...

i stood there facing the street lamp at the corner of my street,
with my hands fallen limp to my sides,
closed my eyes & allowed myself to lose all sense of a tangible existence...

all i could smell enveloping my senses
was fresh-cut grass,
damp brown earth with a hint of sweet dirt & autumn hanging around the corner, coming out at any moment...
long nights & high school football games,
late nights drinking milkshakes & eating cheesy fries until the diner kicked us out...
crisp air filling my lungs as i took a deep breath in with my nostrils flared open to inhale as much of this beautiful, sensational scene...

when i come inside i think of you again.
shadows dance on kitchen walls
& dark vivid memories of you backing away from me with your hands up like i am some sort of officer coming to arrest your every boundary with no intention on returning them...
dark fading echos of your voice screaming...

i forget how to breathe when these memories come flooding in...
i forget how to breathe...

but i don't see it that way anymore...

i see us sitting on that bench with trees surrounding us,
side-by-side & shivering, talking about us & how we're going to make it out of this alive...

i can still see you with your hand placed gently on my knee as we sit at our spot behind the mall, sharing the summer's sweet strawberries from one fork...

i can still see you standing there in front of me in the pouring mother's day rain, in your black hoodie with your hands in your front pocket moments before our souls collide as our lips came together for the first time...

i can see you as you lean against your car with soft clumps of snowflakes falling between & all around us, and that tiny one that landed on your soft brown brow...

i can see us as we fogged up the windows in my car from talking for hours about anything & everything...

i see you with your head tilted back as your eyes close completely when you laughed at the funny noise i shouted in the parking lot just to be goofy...

i look up & i can see stars from up here

i can see you & all that we were

i can see light, the same light i had before you

i can feel everything i thought i lost from up here

i can hear songs from during you & notice that i don't cry anymore

i can taste the sweetness from knowing we don't have to resent each other...hate each other...forget each other...pretend the other doesn't exist.

i can feel the relief settle from our shoulders because the war has come to a truce

i can see the future from here, but this time bright & clear, far & near...

i can feel myself becoming more & more

i can feel the hurt & wounds spinning into healing & scars

from up here i can see myself bounding & bright, vivacious & bold, vibrant & radiant for the first time in a long time, i'm okay...

from up here i can see you...happy & for the first time in a long time, you're okay...

from up here i can see us walking, side-by-side...laughing, talking, nevermore  strangers, & for the first time in a long time, we're okay . . .

Why am I
worrying about
lies
while everyone
dies?
Forced to say our
goodbyes.


"Hurt is hurt."
She says calmly,
never curt.
"Do not compare pain.
Keep that in mind & you won't
go insane."

if they really want you,
they'll make sure you know.

if you're important enough to them,
they'll make sure you know.

if they really care for you,
you'll know.
you'll know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
how to say "i miss you" in asl
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your eyes give life a new meaning,
It's like I've found the North lights.

I never knew what I needed,
Until I found your hand holding mine.

You say I'm your hero,
But you are the one that saved me.

If I ever lost you,
I'd fall to my knees.

I can't imagine my life without you

If something happened,
I don't know what I'd do.
I can't imagine...
I can't imagine..."

ready, i shall never be

left me standing there
when I could barely stand. . .

why should I believe
you won't leave me
drowning
to save yourself again?. . .

told me I meant the world to you
but only to deny
you ever felt anything for me
a t   a l l . . .

("nothing...")

why should I believe?

why should I believe. . .

i can feel myself
starting to care for you
again in the way
that you don't
want me to.

i'm sorry if i seem off
i'm sorry if i seem distant
i'm sorry if i seem different
i'm sorry if i seem like a stranger...

i'm just trying to shake it off.

moonlight

first fight

whiskey-worded
regrets

last flight

long night

You will be alright.

Love, break this fatal fever

The words you never said,
they cut me so deep
and I'm bleeding
s l o w l y . . .

And the blood that I'm bleeding
is dripping onto these pages
I let you read.

But you don't seem to
n o t i c e
or
care to be concerned with the
fatal amount I'm losing
for us...

Soon I will fade...
And you will be okay...

pale collarbones
gentle and subtle
the hint of fabric softener
flawlessly woven into his black t-shirt
the way his fingers twitch
and his breathing deepens
with a heavy head
when he's sleeping
makes my heart-rhythm quicken
and lip-corners rise
to the sun
to the stars my arms reach
to meet my real self
my real happiness
my real place
my real soul
my real morning
and ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
a tumbleweed crosses our path
i had mistaken it for a skunk
but i always think of you
as the moon grows
frightening and blood-orange
the tides rise
like the chocolate and shrimp
in my tummy
with the butterflies
he put there
he stays
he leaves
but he still stays
right where i want him
right where i left him
right where we left
we left the past
but we still talk about it
but it doesn't matter now
now
now i want the sun
i want the stars
i want the salt in the sea
i want all the desserts
i want all the bites
i want all the skies
i want all the bugs
all the breeze
not the breeze
(it makes me angry)
all the redwood trees
and all the leaves
before they fall
so i won't fall
unless it's into him
into him is what i see
and what i see is
light

Just because we are different
in that regard,
does not mean we can't
get along.

from the start, a feeling i Couldn't understand.
a deep pang of fire                 shOved to the pit of my core.
no longer able to               igNore it . . .dismiss it . . .
i allow the                                    Fire to swallow me whole. befriend the flames and embers, sparks . . .
this newness & possibiLities endless . . . .
this overwhelming sense of belongIng and familiarity . . . . . . . . .
never once hesitating, never onCe thinking it wrong . . . . .
blind . . .naive . . .gulible . . .weak . . .They say of me . . . . . . . . . . . .
my once companion, reduced to monstEr . . .familiar stranger in a sea of gray faces.                                     Doomed as merely passersby.
a door once open wide, warm, & welcome . . .
gated, bolted, chained, and locked.
not only you but both of us, sent to exile . . .
followed, followed, followed, blocked.

.

Between loving and leaving.

I remember
words
too fondly

I remember
how you made me feel
too vividly

I remember
loving "too much"
too painfully well

I remember
caring "too much"
like it was just yesterday