tummy aches

& bad dreams.

lightning storms

& rolling thunder.

blankets piled high

& frost-nipped toes.

fears yet to be discovered

rational or irrational?

nightmares of obsessing over what to wear

meanwhile you aren't thinking of me . . .

night terrors of overthinking myself

but your parents don't like me after all.

i wake up

i wake up

wiping a warm tear from rolling down my flushed cheek

& i am relieved

but proceed with caution now . . .

these are the bad dreams that are far more frightening, because they feel far too real. . . far too possible. . .

i sit up & get a glimpse of my clock as the moon watches me, bold & bright, from it's place in the vast indigo sky, staring right at me, wishing it could provide any kind of comfort but knows it can't.

the night is slow & still too young,

but i hope that it's okay that i am thinking of us . . .

so much that has yet to unfold

& we said we have all of the time in the world,

we said there's no need to rush,

but darling i feel the urge to let you know

that i want us to last

i want us to last

i want to have something to hold

something to fight for

something to protect

something so soft but so sure . . .

& i know it's been a while

but i want something real

something honest

something unbreakable

something resilient

darling, i want to bounce back stronger with no one else but you . . .

i've done my time

i've payed my dues

i've looked for years & found what i want

what i need

what i desire

& then you stopped by

just to say hi

& changed the way i look at everything . . .

i've had my days

i've changed my ways

from parties & plays

to long dreamy summer days . . .

i've had my expectations

i've had my demands,

i've had my moments & mistakes

my passions & pitfalls . . .

i lost myself

in order to come back to a stronger & perpetually evolving imperfect version,

always simultaneously a

work in progress

and a

mastermind masterpiece

an effortless work of art that dove straight through endless golden summers full of pipe dreams & rose-colored lenses

to falling straight into the arms of seemingly endless rainy gray days full of melancholy, pining, & heart aches . . .

i've served my sentence

i've asked my questions,

but most importantly i've gotten my answers.

every last one of them, but you . . .

i just need to know now darling, am i the something you want too? . . .

can i be your everything, nothing more nothing less? . . .

& if you say yes, would it be the truth & nothing but the truth? . . .

darling, can i be yours & you be mine,

constant & 'till the end of time? . . .

i'm ready to risk it all

& take the fall . . .

to trust you & put my heart on the line,

to be yours & make you mine . . .

i'm willing to put it all in the past,

so darling, please tell me

do you want us to last?

~

it has only been a few weeks,
but we confess it feels more like home
than anything & to our surprise

my body sinks deeper and deeper into
slumber & safety within your warm & familiar embrace,
my mind, a now soundless space as
my heart reaches a state of harmony alongside it

& even as we lay still & silent,
firm yet gentle with one another
and we fall into reassuring peace full of newness,
i don't have it in me to reach up & touch you . . .

everything i touch shatters or stains . . .
and i couldn't sleep at night
knowing that.

as we lay in perfect silence
wrapped within & folded into each other,
no one but the
incense that has fallen onto your dresser
& your ceiling painted a pale color i barely remember
witness this innocent scene . . .

your hand slowly reaches up
& grazes my chin, raising it to meet your sleepy gaze

hearts racing but beating just the same,
foreheads barely touching

our lips softly come together,
and for the first time in forever
i feel free . . .

when you kiss me
everything else fades to gray,
the rest of the world falls away,
all sense of time, lost
i can't remember how to breathe
& i suddenly forget how to move . . .

it's different this time, here with you

everything that once shattered & stained by my touch now shimmers & shines . . .

i feel your hands move slowly
as they touch me in ways
that used to hurt but now only heal . . .

i want to stay here
like this
with you

i want to feel this
right here
right now
& every day
from here on out . . .

~

~

we used to pinky promise

"this is serious!"

you used to say half-jokingly

but we both knew the depth of it...

i trusted you,

you trusted me.

and so we both held each other and stayed as we fell straight into the abyss...

i knew you'd keep every promise you ever made to me

until one day they all shattered

it was almost as if none of them mattered...

so suddenly you leave

and didn't bother to tell me why

tell me why...why...why

was all i wanted to know...

i pinky promise you i would have been fine

i would have left you alone

if you had only told me

it wasn't me

right from the start...

i could have been brave

but instead i was only bruised,

left with the scars you left behind

instead of counting the stars with you laying next to me...

now we pinky promise

but this time we kiss our thumbs and gently press them together...

now we pinky promise

and so suddenly...
and all at once...

everything else just slips away . . .

~

~

you mirror me

you follow my every move

two magnets

two puzzle pieces we didn't know were missing

you match me

i write in all lowercase

and i watch how you slowly follow my unintentional lead

i cross my arms, you cross yours

i look to the left, and you follow my gaze . . .

it's only been summer for days

but it feels like eternity lying here with you

why is this just so easy with you?

what is this new space i have yet to explore?

where has this abundant place of possibility been?

why is this just so natural with you? . . .

~

i never want you to be afraid
to tell me things you'd normally be afraid to tell others.
i want you to feel like you can tell me anything & everything
& know that it won't ever scare me away.
because now there is nothing you could say that will undo the way i see you.

i want to see the real you.
i want to see every side of you,
the good, the bad
the ugly, the beautiful
the quiet, the obnoxious
the stubborn, the compassionate
the scared, the brave
who you are with your family,
who you are with your friends,
who you are with strangers,
who you are when you're all alone,
& everything that makes you, you...

all of your
insecurities
flaws
imperfections
mistakes
faults
shortcoming­s

these are not things that make you less loveable,
nor will they make me like you less
or be something i see but dismiss, judge, ignore, deny, & look over or past...
but rather through...

i will look at your fragile heart
that you have trusted me to have & hold within my hands,
i will peer into the deepest & darkest
corners of your complex mind
& i will see all of these
insecurities
flaws
imperfections
mistakes
faults
shortcomin­gs
but i promise you i will love them
& i will love you more because of them...

they make up part of who you are
& if i can't acknowledge and love them
then i don't deserve to love you...

they show me that you are human
& so perfectly imperfect,
& a fine glimpse of humanity
in its purest form...

just because i don't talk to you
doesn't mean i don't think of you...

darling, i need you to know just one thing...

i need you to know that you were perfect...

i need you to know that you were always enough for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were always the only one...

i need you to know that you were it for me...

you made my world turn upside down when i met you

you made my world pause when i had you

and my world burst into flames when you left...

darling, you need to know that i will never not care for you...

the fire we had the fire we were

i need you to know that there's no way i could forget how it was...

i wanted to be your everything... nothing more...nothing less.

i will never not think of us when i hear those songs...

maybe one day i'll be able to dance to them instead of mourn...

i will never not want to send you that photo or share with you that exciting thing that just happened or tell you that funny joke i just heard or ask you if you got home okay...i'm going to want to share it all with you...

but i know that you have to go...

i've kept you close in the corner of my pocket, but i know you have to go...

i know you have to go...

i wish you didn't have to...

but i know you have to go...

darling, i need you to know just one thing...

i need you to know that you were perfect...

i need you to know that you were always enough for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were always the only one...

i need you to know that you were it for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were perfect...

before

i couldn't wait to see you,
you made the noise turn into sound,
you made the murky water run clear

the possibility of having you,
the plethora of simultaneous emotions
crumbled & simplified to one:
happiness.

everything i once denied
i openly addressed,
i was free, i was flying
& no longer depressed.

i won't say i miss you
because i don't want to make
you feel uncomfortable
or make it awkward between us,
but "we can still be friends"
you said.

after

i don't look for you anymore,
and now the sound has turned into music,
because i deserve to dance
even if it's by myself.

my river runs clear,
it's roaring & pouring itself
out and into the open milky way
i once swam in every time i looked into
your eyes.

but i'm creating & naming
my own stars now,
crafting my own galaxy
out of the scars you left behind.

scars to stars,
what i wanted
was never ours.

the possibility of having you
was always just a possibility.

the plethora of simultaneous emotions,
now a complex of 2:
vigilant & content.

"i still want to hang out with you"
but not a single second
was spent...

everything i once openly addressed,
i cuff myself, i clip my wings,
once again become obsessed...

i won't say i miss you
because i don't.

so don't hope that i will,
because i won't.

i suppress the monster within,
hungry for more of you.

it can be found
hidden in plain sight,
never gone
but a little shy in the light.

it lurks in the shadows
beneath my eyes,
from long sleepless nights
of missing what we used to be

it resides in the music
we shared and grew
new life from

some may say
it has red eyes,
sharp claws,
and gnashing teeth,
awaiting your return
only to have your heart ripped to shreds...

but it only sees you
for what you are,
sees you for who you were,
who you're trying to be,
and who you want to become.

it's waiting for you
to see you're stronger than you feel,
to see you're capable of being loved
and always hoping you will
remember how to love in return...

a creature of habit,
it loves it hurts it loves it hurts
it doubts it believes it doubts it believes...

it knows that unconditional
means seeing the darkest parts of another
and loving them more despite
how scary it might be,
being fully known, fully seen.

a monster's reputation
stained like red wine
on a white **** rug...

ruby red eyes that are actually
deep brown and yearning to meet yours again . . .
sharp claws that are actually
soft hands aching to touch what was once theirs . . .
and gnashing teeth that are really just
warm lips longing to merely graze the edge of yours . . .

and nothing less than
a cracked heart,
awaiting something it hopes
one day will find it's way back to it,
home and to stay,
maybe once and for all . . .

where are you running to?
what are you running from?
why are you running?
are we yet to begin or are we all done?

i pretend that you're gone
just to get through my day

i pick the daisies from my lawn,
he forgets me, he forgets me not
just to get by, darling tell me this isn't the only way?

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it all just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you’re all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you don't really know me,
do you wish you never did?

one look from you,
now you wish that you hid

"no need to have it all worked out, love
you're just a kid!"
if my heart ever followed yours
would you want to get rid?

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it all just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
Now I’m all that you need
And you're all that i see

Will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

"i'm writing a song!"
i wish i'd say to you,
and if i just said it
would you wish you never knew?

and ever since you touched me
my heart, it just grew

but now i really see you
and it's all so blue . . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you're all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you used to call me
just to say sweet things.
my heart broke, but you made it feel free
I thought I opened yours, darling
but I see, one stroke & I made it flee

you helped me see
there’s more than just pain,
you made me believe
and now there’s just rain

I would take a bullet for you
Would you do the same?
I was just being myself
You made me feel insane . . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you're all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

you say i will catch up soon,
love, you don't really know me
but you know i'm a sleuth.
i figure things out quick
and always on my own,
my heart may be sore
but let's save all the war . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

darling she looks like your next
heartache
but honey i can be your next
heart break

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

"i don't want you getting jealous"
his green eyes say,
but now i find myself already
waiting in the lot
just to see who you're talking to, babe

[my heart may be grown
but it's also half-sewn . . .]

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

it's probably nothing,
but you've poisoned the grass
now the wishes can't grow.
i don't mean to be crass
but i wish you wouldn't go.
I don’t want to be the shiny thing you just pass,
I want to be the one you make last . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

endless summer sky
full of color
full of clouds,
a sea of stars
while down below a stream of cars

streaks of lights, swirls of trees
and that warm summer breeze

i can still hear the music,
is it only me?
and i hope we'll never lose it.

days of sunshine
but nights of memories,
what if this? . . . what if that?
never really knowing,
if i could only go back . . .

i was always on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i said or how i said it
i'd never be one of your folks

your butterflies have left
me for her,
now i'm lonely, i'm lovesick
and they haven't found a cure

summer nights,
long drives
high tides and navy skies,
toes tangled in the tall grass
fireflies blinking and shimmering
like stained glass

days that would never end
and nights we could never forget,
texts i could never send
and words from my tongue i would never let . . .

i will always be on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i'll say or how i'll say it
i will never be one of your folks

i always have "too much" to say
yet never know what to say,
i always have it on my mind
yet never know how to say it

when will it be over . . .
my heart feels blue,
but no amount of dandelions
could make my wish come true . . .

always the alien
never the native,
when will i get to be the friend,
not the foe? . . .

love is not meant to be kept
but given without restraint,
i always give and give and give and give
but no one is willing to reciprocate.

the ones i pour my love out for
never really deserve it . . .
the pain adds up,
until i'm pouring from an empty cup.

i just want to love again
and to be loved once more . . .
once more and as the one again,
and nevermore the alien

we were solid
like the ground beneath our feet,
except yours grew cold
and mine burned through

damaged finds damaged
nothing new,
and we both knew
that one day we'd let them
get the best of us . . .

if it hurts so bad
then why is destruction
so beautiful?
we had all the stars,
so bright & bold & light & full.
darling, i never want
to leave this place.
we started a story
that ended in "sorry"
and i don't like that ending, f a d i n g . . .
so let's change it maybe?

we knew it from the first time
we saw the pain in each other's eyes...
how quickly we turned the rain into gold,
and we never had to say a word.
we just knew, and that's all there was to it...
you could be across the room
and i'd hear every word you'd say,
everything you felt
every little thing you felt...
i never knew how eyes could hold a conversation,
i knew it, i felt it, i held it, i had it...
all they screamed was "IT'S MANIPULATION".

if it hurts so bad
then why is destruction
so beautiful?
we had all the stars,
so bright & bold & light & full.
but darling, i never want
to leave this place.
we started a story
that ended in "sorry"
and i don't like that ending, f a d i n g  . . .
can we change it maybe?

you know i always have so much to say
yet never really know how to say it,
i can try
i can cry
and these tears, they can stain like dye...
there's so much to feel
so much to tell,
we touched, we fell
but no pentameter could hold
what needs to be told.

we loved
we laughed,
we cried
we sighed...
who knew i'd still be crying
3 years later? . . .

if it hurts so bad
then why is destruction
so beautiful?
we had all the stars
so bright & bold & light & full.
darling, i never want
to leave this place.
we started a story
that ended in "sorry"
and i don't like that ending, f a d i n g . . .
will we change it, maybe? . . .

i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i just know this.

i haven't gotten lost in your eyes yet,
but so far they make me feel at home.
the way they say so much, so many loud things but so, so quietly.

i was never taught how to swim yet i find myself swimming out of the cold, deep, crystal blue water and diving into your soft green milky way.

i think you could be someone who could easily dazzle me, without even trying.

it's exciting here
it's scary here
but it's quiet here.

you are the beaming comet bursting it's way through my galaxy
that i never saw coming,
and i am making space for you . . .

i think you could be someone i could fall for
without even knowing it until it has me shattered into billions of stars scattered across the vast indigo sky . . .

i think you could be someone i could care for
with everything i am, without even trying . . .

i do not want to mess it up
i do not want to speak too soon or move too fast
i do not want to scare you off or say too much
i do not want to make you hurt
i do not want to overthink . . .

i think you could be someone i would want to have and belong to in return without a single doubt in sight . . .


i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i do know this.