i went for a walk barefoot
in the middle of the night.

the first thing i noticed
was the scent of the dap earth beneath my sore feet.

the warm-cold concrete was like an old friend,
constant & comforting.

the wet cold grass
where i stood to take it all in...

i could smell the soft sweet citrus lingering from my conditioner in my hair, wrapping around me as the wind swept it up & away through the midnight breeze...

i stood there facing the street lamp at the corner of my street,
with my hands fallen limp to my sides,
closed my eyes & allowed myself to lose all sense of a tangible existence...

all i could smell enveloping my senses
was fresh-cut grass,
damp brown earth with a hint of sweet dirt & autumn hanging around the corner, coming out at any moment...
long nights & high school football games,
late nights drinking milkshakes & eating cheesy fries until the diner kicked us out...
crisp air filling my lungs as i took a deep breath in with my nostrils flared open to inhale as much of this beautiful, sensational scene...

when i come inside i think of you again.
shadows dance on kitchen walls
& dark vivid memories of you backing away from me with your hands up like i am some sort of officer coming to arrest your every boundary with no intention on returning them...
dark fading echos of your voice screaming...

i forget how to breathe when these memories come flooding in...
i forget how to breathe...

but i don't see it that way anymore...

i see us sitting on that bench with trees surrounding us,
side-by-side & shivering, talking about us & how we're going to make it out of this alive...

i can still see you with your hand placed gently on my knee as we sit at our spot behind the mall, sharing the summer's sweet strawberries from one fork...

i can still see you standing there in front of me in the pouring mother's day rain, in your black hoodie with your hands in your front pocket moments before our souls collide as our lips came together for the first time...

i can see you as you lean against your car with soft clumps of snowflakes falling between & all around us, and that tiny one that landed on your soft brown brow...

i can see us as we fogged up the windows in my car from talking for hours about anything & everything...

i see you with your head tilted back as your eyes close completely when you laughed at the funny noise i shouted in the parking lot just to be goofy...

i look up & i can see stars from up here

i can see you & all that we were

i can see light, the same light i had before you

i can feel everything i thought i lost from up here

i can hear songs from during you & notice that i don't cry anymore

i can taste the sweetness from knowing we don't have to resent each other...hate each other...forget each other...pretend the other doesn't exist.

i can feel the relief settle from our shoulders because the war has come to a truce

i can see the future from here, but this time bright & clear, far & near...

i can feel myself becoming more & more

i can feel the hurt & wounds spinning into healing & scars

from up here i can see myself bounding & bright, vivacious & bold, vibrant & radiant for the first time in a long time, i'm okay...

from up here i can see you...happy & for the first time in a long time, you're okay...

from up here i can see us walking, side-by-side...laughing, talking, nevermore  strangers, & for the first time in a long time, we're okay . . .

and even after all that we have done

the war is always fought but never won

i swear i thought you were the one

and "old habit"

is this all that i have become?

this is the poem
i am convinced i will never be ready to write.

this is the poem
i have been avoiding writing
because i know the depth of it...
the depth of what we had
& how difficult it is to capture it.

we know how it was.
we know how it is.

we know how we wanted it to be
& we know how it didn't get to be.

even writing it now
makes the lump in my throat grow wider
& the tears that have waited this long to be let out
make a caleidescope of my eyes...

your pale blue eyes
& your hands as warm as a fire
faded in the distance during a winter snow storm
in the middle of nowhere...

you came out of no where
& when i wasn't looking...
they say that's when you find it
is when you least expect to...

that was you for me.

we had so many sparks
we could set this town ablaze...
so much chemistry
we could create a thousand new & undiscovered elements...
& far much more in common that we or anyone
would have ever guessed...

but we knew how it was...
we know who we were...

we had lightning in a bottle,
you said to me
right before you left...
and then someone removed the lid
you said to me
moments before my heart gave out...

i could never forget how it was...
because how could i?...

i will never forget the way we were...
because how is that possible?...

i will never forget the way it felt
as we fell head over heals,
risked everything for this lightning,
as we sat with our feet barely touching the ground
watching as those warm, bright summer days past us by...

i will never forget how the inner edges of your eye brows would raise up when you could just tell how i was feeling.
the way your cheeks turned baby pink, flushed when i kissed you on your birthday that night in my car,
or the way you'd look up at me unable to speak when i'd merely graze you i had that profound of an impact on you...

i will never forget those hours you spent painting & drawing for me or pouring your darkest most vulnerable parts of you onto paper...nor will i forgive myself for letting you down...
when i made you hurt...
when i made you scream...
when i made you frustrated...
when i made you cry...
when i made you feel unseen.

i will always remember to allow myself to feel, to remember, & smile when i hear the music that belongs to us...
the quiet moments only we know...
the moments where we could just say anything & just be ourselves & allow ourselves to be
fully known
fully seen
fully heard
fully loved
fully cared for
fully understood
fully accepted...

we will always have that lightning...
no one can take something like that away from us.
we will always have our bottles,
cherished, remembered, & tucked away safe...
maybe one day we'll rebottle some of that again...

you make me feel
like all of the things
about me
that they tolerated
are all things that
should be,
can be,
and are
lovely,
enough,
profound,
and worthy of being
loved.

.
does this feel
one-sided yet?

do you feel
there's more to you
that i don't get?

tell me more
darling, just
tell me more
and i swear i could
love you,
i just haven't had the
chance to yet
.

.
i'm sorry
for doubting
i could ever be
fully seen
fully known
fully heard
fully loved...

i'm sorry
for doubting
you could ever
fully see
fully know
fully hear
fully love...
.

twisted staircase
much like my mess of a mind

are you sick of me yet?...

i don't know how you feel
about me
but i want to be myself
with you

i want to try

i don't know how you feel
about us
but i want to try
to know what it's
supposed to feel like

what is it supposed to feel like?...

this "healthy love"
they speak of
as they tell me
not to do this
not to say that
never to share this
and definitely not that...

because
that's how i'll lose you...

are you sick of me yet?

will you be soon?

will you be then?

will you ever be sick of me
and will you tell me if you are?...

.
maybe it's
best for you
to stay away
from me . . .

you'll hear
what she thinks
until you
believe it yourself

maybe she's right,
maybe it's
best for you
to stay away
from me . . .

maybe, just maybe
if you know what's
best for you,
you'll see the difference
and keep your distance

maybe they're right,
maybe it's
best for you
to stay away
from me . . . "
.

.
i haven't known
a "healthy" love,
and when i have
i think that i ruin it.

or maybe i have known it
all along but
only recognize the
"unhealthy" as "normal"

so we push away what's
good for us
in order to stay
not with what feels right...
but with what feels
familiar...

with what's
comfortable,
even if it hurts.
.

.
"and i don't know
maybe i'm fine
and i'm not used to it
and so i make myself feel bad
just to feel a sense of
" n o r m a l "
.

PRIVATE TERRITORY.

i gave warning signs...

BEWARE OF RUMORS

i trusted i wouldn't have to issue fines...

the lines i drew,

were the same ones you crossed.

i said i would tell you what's true,

but it looks like curiosity got the best of you.

you should have asked me

before you ran to her.

you don't know me

and neither does she

and i will not be the opinion of someone who doesn't know me.

stories are stories.

sides are sides.

pick & choose, you have nothing to lose...

you could have tried to make it fair, at least.

this narration was never up for LEASE...

paint me with your palette, but i will never, EVER be your masterpiece.

i cuffed
my hands
& accepted
my fate to a
self-made
rain rusted
ball & chain

i look up
as pollution saturated
droplets fall
& decorate
my face

no longer
able to
differentiate
tears from
rain

this hole
i dug,
this grave
i dug
i squint to find
the skylight

the same
s
p
i
r
a
l
swirling
reeling
falling
sloping
looming
gloomin­g
d
o
w
n
down, down . . .

tossed the key
and broke
the ladder
to pieces
like you once
did to my
love-swollen
heart.

nails
caked with
mud from
trying to
climb & claw
my way back up

it's dark down here,
it's familiar here...

it's dark down here,
it's comfortable here...

escape plans
lurk & await
my attention...
but you
is all i'll
plot
from down here.

drawing red hearts on my wrist

playlist titled your initial

lowercase, peony-filled flower vase

heart racing, cheeks blushing

mind pacing, blood rushing

new songs, new melodies

new memories, new everything...

possibility, potential...

new hopes & dreams, monumental...

only to be able to say i knew you.

can't change what's been said
can't redo what's already been done
can't salvage what hasn't begun

they don't know you
they don't know you
they don't know you

but they think they do.

curiosity didn't **** the cat,
it only fed it.

curiosity satisfied her
but it didn't **** me.

she's stained my reputation,
redder than the blood on her hands
and she doesn't mind...
no, she doesn't mind...

no one should get to tell my story
but me.

i'm not sorry
but a third hand account
only brings biases and one-sided stories
to this table we call "us"

i'm sorry you had to find out this way
but i'm not sorry for what i didn't do
what i didn't feel
what i didn't say

i'm sorry you had to find out this way,
and i'm sorry there was trust you felt
was okay to betray...

google search:
"______ dream meaning"...
it's always what i need to know
but it's never what i want to hear...

"You need to rethink important issues and change your way of thinking."

"You need emotional healing."

"You are going through a period of intense change and growth, and the dream is signaling to you that you need to be willing to let go of the old patterns or painful memories."

it always feels most real
when it hurts the most.

i wake up and think i'm still dreaming,
or i dream and think i'm still awake...

it's just a vampire s ucking all of the
good parts of me right out of this
young and tired shell

how do i make new memories?

how do i make new ones
when the old ones won't
stop replaying
or repeating themselves?

over and over and over...

did we ever exist?

how do you know if it's enough?

how can you tell if it's not?

when they're the vampire,
s ucking all of the love right out of you
without offering a single drop in return
to satisfy your 3 year thirst...

google search:
"when will i become loved, like before?"...

it's always what i need to know
but it's never what i want to hear...

"you won't."

-

i lay down in bed,
room spinning
heart racing
and head pounding.

i notice that not only
my body is exhausted
and my mind drowsy,
but my soul is desperate for rest, too.

home isn't
where you are
unwanted.

if they really want you,
they'll make sure you know.

if you're important enough to them,
they'll make sure you know.

if they really care for you,
you'll know.
you'll know.

who am i to feel this way
when i don't have you anyway

i don't want to
think about you
because
when i do, it only
reminds me of how
you're not thinking of me.

lights down low
set the mood
stage the show . . .
we're just friends
but they don't know
do they know?

colored lights
pass us by
flying high
and all around . . .

the night was a sensation;
two leaving, two coming
two trains in a station.

ball gowns
masks coming down,
magical
ethereal
fairy tale . . .

and we were there . . .

one hand on your shoulder
the other interlaced with yours.
our song's not playing,
but one second to the next
and it was all fading . . .

i look up
and all i could see
was you looking
back at me . . .
allowed myself to stare
just long enough
do i dare?
until i was thinking you're
mine, mine, mine . . .
but who am i fooling?

you're another girl's man
who am i?
who am i?
to think that i have you,
when i let you go
i let you go . . .
i don't regret it but
i should have known
what i was getting myself into
when i said we could still be friends,
guess i lied
guess i lied . . .

everyone we knew
became foggy figures
just dancing in the dark,
with the red lights low
within the glow, green-purple halo . . .

i tried to look away,
look away . . .
like i was scared
like i was fine
like you were mine
like i was well
but i was terrified . . .

should i be feeling this?
should i be feeling this now, darling? . . .
i don't know if i want to,
i don't know what it is
but i don't think i should be . . .

i look down
and all i could feel
was you looking
back at me . . .
never allowing myself to stare
long enough
do i dare?
to convince myself that you're
mine, mine, mine . . .
but who was i fooling?

you're another girl's man
another girl's man
and who am i?
who am i?
to think that i had you,
when i let you go
i let you go . . .
i don't regret it but
i should have known
what i was getting myself into
when i said we could still be friends,
guess i lied
guess i lied . . .


~

i want you to look at me and
love
me for me...
not just look at me and want my
body
for you

whatever they say that is false about you,
is probably true about them.

drunk on words my lips could never find the courage to spill.

you wanted me
and i had you

we were tangible,
but we were flammable

i was careful,
but not careful enough

our connection,
was like playing with fire

you had it
or you didn't
there was no in between

we were too hot to hold,
now so cold to the touch

hands, where flames once ignited,
now frostbitten fingertips

i thought i knew you, darling
but suddenly we grew

a p a r t . . .