mutually assured destruction

i'm walking on thin ice,
they say.

but really,
i'm skating on it.

whatever i'm in,
wherever i am,
in spite, i'll make it nice.

thick or thin;
i lift high, my chin.

or maybe i say i'm "skating"
but hide the truth;
i don't know how to skate.

you said you'd teach me someday,
one day there we will be...
you standing behind me,
our arms stretched out...
your hands guiding mine,
barely touching but just enough to
steady my balance...
clumsy but graceful.
there we glide blissfully across the ice
beneath the soft-falling snow & glow of
the plaza,
our hearts pounding...pausing amidst the raving city...

you said you'd teach me someday.
you said you'd teach me one day . . .




.

I took a walk this evening
barefoot.
Just in socks actually.
my peachy pink ones that only
go up to my ankle.

I took a walk this evening
in just my socks,
just to feel something different.
i felt a little more human.
a little less A.I.
and a little cold on the soles of my feet.

i wonder if there'll be a day when
i can go places and not be
looking over my shoulder to see
if my mom is following me.
watching me.
smothering me.
protecting me.
controlling me.
i know she means well.
but she's doing it all wrong.
but apparently, i have to be a mother
in order to be able to spot bad parenting.

i look up at the vast blackness
and see a star
trillions of miles away.
i wonder if it's even a star at all.
it could be a planet.
mars or venus i suppose.

i wonder what it must be like
to be a bright burning mass
far...far away from here...
where people could only look at you
from a distance
and see the beauty that you are...
sparkling...twinkling...brilliant...light...
up close we aren't as beautiful.
maybe only to the ones who don't love us
for who we really are.

as i walk home, i walk along the lines
along the sidewalk cement.
i stretch my arms outwards
on both sides of my body
and make-believe i'm an acrobat
dozens of feet in the air...

i hate falling.
it either hurts or just makes me overthink what the pain will feel like once the fall is complete.
i look up.
i look up at that vast twinkling darkness . . .
i am no longer falling,
i am  f l y i n g . . .

he makes the mundane feel romantic
and the ordinary feel extraordinary.

things like paper boats, white wildflowers on the side of the road, times of birth, or picking up fallen-over magazines from the floor at the store.

he makes me want to dance
like no one is watching.

he makes me want to
chase my wildest dreams
and stop at nothing or no one.

he makes me want to touch him
until our cheeks are colored crimson,
salty sweat drips from our brows,
and we fall asleep from sweet exhaustion.

he makes me want to
fall and fly &
grow and cry

he makes me want to
run away from this place
we call "home"
to make a new one from nothing.

he makes me want to
love myself and never look back
to what held me from doing so.

he makes me want to love him..
he makes me want to love him
no matter how hard..
no matter how easy..

a capital letter

maybe there's hope for me afterall

distant persistent beats

reverse . . . reverse . . . reverse

if i only could . . .

i dreamt of fire

i wake to fire

stretch out my hand into the young, bright, & golden ray

finger wrapped in brown bandages

i stand there staring at how i could find something so mundane so wonderful . . .so romantic . . .so beautiful

i slowly tilt my hand & turn it so that my palm is facing the pale-painted ceiling

i slowly open my palm, outstretching my fingers, then gently close it again as if to catch the ray

rays . . .a byproduct of fire

something beautiful can come of something terrifying

i need fresh air

morning air is filled with purity, a life unlived, untouched, untainted, unknown . . .

filled with dew & songs of birds & innocent light

maybe there is hope for me afterall

Hours, how many more hours longer until the butterflies cooped
                  within this hollow stomach of mine tell me you're near?
Umbrella terms for emotions that cannot be expressed with words.
God, only God knows if we will meet for the first time all over again...

I.
"gimme love"
joji

II.
"sanctuary"
joji

III.
"glimpse of us"
joji

IV.
"your man"
joji

V.
"like you do"
joji

VI.
"wanted u"
joji

VII.
"i'll see you in 40"
joji

VIII.
"slow dancing in the dark"
joji

IX.
"will he"
joji
[she]

X.
"afterthought"
joji, benee

XI.
"yukon (interlude)"
joji

I.
"i'll keep you safe"
sleeping at last

II.
"turning page"
sleeping at last

III.
"the moon song"
beabadoobee, oscar lang

IV.
"chasing cars"
(sleeping at last cover)
&
(grace gaustad cover)

V.
"two"
sleeping at last

[intro verse]
you were good
made me believe
said no need to worry,
she's just a friend, relief . . .

[chorus]
now i stand in disbelief
heartbroken one million three
pieces fractured into dust
but your love just turned into lust . . .

now i stand in disbelief
hands on hips
& lips to lips
missing you, your heart, your kiss
you said there's "nothing to miss" . . .

[acoustic outro verse]
you were good
made her believe
she was your world
your love
and safe
"she's my best friend", sigh
but it was always a lie . . .

I.
"howl"
florence + the machine

II.
"mine forever"
lord huron

III.
"embody me"
novo armor

IV.
"carry you"
novo armor

V.
"the 30th"
billie eilish

I.
"fire"
two feet

II.
"next to you"
new west

III.
"those eyes"
new west

IV.
"all through the night"
sleeping at last

V.
"i saw you in a dream"
the japanese house

secondhand high

vicarious emotions

secondary euphoria

suppressed longings

prolonged potential priority

dulling delight

increased heartbeat

pleasurable palpitations

butterflies flitter & tickle my tummy

i quiver, a subtle shiver

increased respiration

imitation crab

foul aftertaste, rubber, fallacy, fooled.

the real deal

i long for

"i only want what's right in front of me"

pretentious playmates

camouflage lightning bug signals

flicker, flash

morse code.

survival mode.

bioluminescence life-making

instinctive matchmaking

burning the matches down to the fingertips

"just to feel something, anything"

yearning, aching . . .

married like the geese, we are

"desperate times call for desperate measures"

or

"love is blind"

they say.

selective hearing...

but i loved him with my eyes wide open.

Running towards you running towards me
Embraced, enveloped, overwhelmed, overcome
Unable to deny the ache
No more lonely dawns
I knew it would be you all along
Open arms, submerged beneath your tidal wave
No more lonely dusks

Dilute the ache if you can
Even if you can't sugar coat
Please tell me you'll love me from afar
Afar, i will love you
Reaching, stretching far into oblivion
Torture, to miss you
Unable to touch you
Remember me, darling, remember me . . .
Even if you forget to

World still spins
Onward & outward it goes
Undeniably unapologetic
New, old, borrowed, blue
Downward & upward we go

i was yours

"he holds me in his big arms"

you were mine

"it's you, it's you, it's all for you"

snow-flaked car windows

"everything i do"

two hearts blossoming like wildflowers

"heaven is a place on earth with you"

growing growing growing

"tell me all the things you want to do"

fear interrupted by love

"your lips, my lips, apocalypse"

two hearts accelerate as one

"drunk and i am seeing stars"

sundays were made for you and i

"they say that world was built for two"

vigilant firsts

"if only i could"

sunsets and wordless conversations

"i'd make a deal with god"

we threw ourselves into each others arms

"i'd get him to swap our places"

fearlessly . . . unconditionally . . . blindly . . .

"i'd be running up that road"

you fell

"i'd be running up that hill"

down . . .down . . .down . . .

"with no problems"

i came tumbling after you

"it's you and me . . ."

not knowing where we were heading

"you don't want to hurt me"

you descended into the dark leaving me without a light to find you

"let's see how deep the bullet lies"

i reach and reach and reach out into the oblivion

"unaware, i'm tearing you asunder"

is it me, is it you?

"it's you and me . . ."

it's you you tell me

"tell me we both matter . . ."

if only i could redo everything

"if only i could"

october

"i'd make a deal with god"

"could you come see me? . . .please . . ."

"i'd get him to swap our places"

"i'll think about it"

"tell me we both matter, don't we? . . ."

i hope, i wait, i wish, i long

"come out and haunt me"

walk past the rain-pricked window

"i know you want me"

the brown brick corner turned red

"come out and haunt me"

i face the lot

"sharing all your secrets with each other"

the white car, lonesome again

"since you were kids"

i shut my eyes . . .blink . . .hope i'm just not seeing things . . .that deep-ocean blue van.

"tell me why"

is it me? is it you?

"you've been locked in here forever"

is it me?

"and you just can't say goodbye"

"no . . ."

"oh meet me in the woods tonight"

you bend

"you . . . it's you and me . . ."

i bend

"i surrender you got my love serious"

you break

"it's you and me . . ."

i break

"you won't be unhappy"

down down down we go . . .

"unaware, i'm tearing you asunder"

31st rain washing red rubies down the storm drain

"do you want to feel how it feels?"

crimson paint bleeding onto the floormat

"let's exchange the experience"

you fall until you find yourself

"come on darling . . ."

darling, you used to call me

"let me steal this moment from you now"

what have we done?

"when you're all alone"

to us?

"i'll reach for you"

what have we done?

"when you're feelin' low"

to us?

"i'll be there too"




.

the endless sky frilling with bright new colors

the ringing of cricket song
seeming to cease suddenly

replaced by birdsong

i sit up, lungs searching for a pocket of purity

swipe the remaining sticky, drying tears from my
cheeks, chin, neck, shoulder, ear, chest . . .

deep breaths
in . . .out . . .in . . . out

wipe the sleep from my eyes

stretch the paralysis from my muscles

unwind the stillness from my bones

touch the tips of my bare toes to the surface of the floor
and push against gravity

my vision turns to t.v. static
bleary
nebulous
distorted

a faint buzz and sharp tone sings throughout my head,
vibrates from ear to ear

i sway

steady

open my eyes and wait until the haze fades

in . . .out . . .in . . .out

happy sleepy chirps,
hopeful for a new beginning.

a new beginning, we will get





.

it's nearly time to wake

i think to myself

it feels as though the rest of the world is asleep

while i lay here sleepless

not counting sheep
but counting the tears that roll down my cheek,
graze my neck coldly
or pool in my ear
onto the pillow
with a tap . . .tap . . .tap . . .tap

not having touched toes to carpet

memories of you flash brightly

memories of us replay softly

that soft shy smile.

i curl tighter into a ball . . .

squeeze the sheets in my fists . . .

shut my eyes tighter . . .

more warm tears stream down my cheeks
faster now, unstoppable.

*i miss you.     i miss us.     i miss you.

the hum of the house

baby blue sheer curtains looming over me

sprawled sleeplessly on the stuffy carpet

seeking comfort from the suffocating sheets

they try to wrap me, trap me within the nightmares of losing you
over and over and over and over again

i listen

it's eerily peaceful without the whirring of the a.c.
broken, peak summer

the faint hiss of the sprinklers

i miss the cool morning dew on the grass overwhelming my sense of touch

everything takes my breath now

the scent of untouched morning air
crisp. innocent.

awaiting the day to begin

awaiting the quiet awakening of everyone else

it's been lonely, i'll admit.

i suppose i promised lonely.

it doesn't have to be, i know.

i stand at my window, lean against the frame

warmth of my breath fogging the glass
as i study the colors of the dawn

gradient blues & hints of shy pink

colors of an infant day

not many sleepy eyes get to see
que lastima

if lonely is what it'll take,
then lonely is what it'll be.

9
13-9-19-19
25-15-21

limited.

vulnerable.

raw.

primitive privileges.

pen.

paper.

outdoors.

you.

aching.

longing.

me­.

pen.

paper.

assertive wind
tearing through
my saltless hair.

restless waves.

fading cornflower-blue sky
& pale pinks and purples.

our star sinking slowly
into the horizon,
swallowed by the lake.

smokey wisps and whirls
float among the aimless
muted gray puffs akin.

we walk beside each other
in constant companionate
chatter.

carefully
stack &
balance
lakefront
jagged
rocks
&
smooth
pebbles
atop
sturdy
stones.

i want to hold his hand.

badly . . .

but i reel myself in.
i don't hold his hand.

because i know
it is not his hand
i am longing to hold.

it's yours.

paranoia.
guilt?
shame.

shadows dancing down the stairwell.
wide-eyed side glances toward the hall.

flashback:

slouched
like a crescent moon.
vulnerable like never before,
i allow myself to be seen
as i sink further into the brown fabric.

"you just sunk your ship deeper."

fear-striken eyes.
no . . . used to the defeat.

trembling fingertips
aimlessly yet methodically
tapping at glass.
hopeless.
useless.

tear-stained cheeks,
rubbed-raw skin
& bloodshot eyes.
hallows beneath my
chocolate brown
windows.

a heat-kissed flush
paints my face
as i gingerly sweep
a curtain of hair
from my view.

my view of my
nightmare.
only i'm not asleep.

fast forward:

frozen.
silent.
listening for footsteps.
coward
no . . .
guilt?
no . . .
shame.

i just sunk my ship deeper.

lights dim, warm
like the tongues of tiny flames
grazing my skin.

walked-on carpet,
not as fluffy as day one
beneath my bare feet.

hem of my white dress,
tiny yellow flowers
blossoming at my toes.

chin and summer-flushed cheek
resting heavily, sulking
against my fist.

breathing accelerates.

the thrill.
the oblivion.
the fear.
the relief.
the loneliness.
the aching.
the feeling-found.
the feeling-seen.
the possibility--

--of words,
pen to paper.

right in front of me

"write,"
i command my fingers.

"write and never stop."

carpet floor,
i rest my chin
atop my knee.

behind the door,
swallowed whole
by my oversized
tear-stained
t-shirt.

i sit back against the
velvet green and red
holiday skirts,
work jeans,
and pajama tops.

muffled sobs
amidst the
kaleidoscope closet.

nowhere is my
comfort zone
when i feel this way...

bruised wrist.

bloodshot eyes.

raw cupid's bow.

broken heart.

why...
all i can ask
why...does everything i do and say...
all i can feel
everything i do...
all i can think
every breath i take...
all i can believe
everything i say...
all i can see
every little thing...
just
why...


bittersweet memories
or just bitter.

watching you
walk beside her...
behind the tall glass,
watching her inaudible laughs
as you make jokes to her...

watching as your smile disappears
when i'm around.

the physicality
of emotion
as i feel my heart
ache...pounding...
quieter as if it knows
it's about to break
if i allow myself to look...

to look when she walks
you to the door...
smiling
laughing
talking
dancing...

all i can do is watch...
or pretend i do not see...
i hate that i always do.

the way i'm making everything worse
when i try to make them better...

you hate it.
you hate it.
you hate it.

wondering why you don't see...
why you don't see why i'm always so unsure..

you tell me in your silence...
you tell me in your eyes...
you tell me in your words, if i'm lucky...

the words that are daggers,
slowly twisting blades,
deeper, without remorse.

the way it feels as though
you want me to know
how bad i make everything...
how inconvenient my
too-much-not-enough existence is...

like a tick that won't let go...

actions speak louder than words.
silence speaks louder than both.

water turns to ***.

night sweats
and tangled hair tossed into
a too-high bun.

stragglers of stray
curls, twirls and twists
falling gently on either side
of flushed cheeks.

when sunrises won't turn to sunsets
fast enough.

a red rubber band.

five-hundred no's.

tears and tummy aches.

silence . . .

a beige rubber band.

silence follows . . .

i loved who i was...

silent words.

i loved who we were...

you never noticed me since...

tears and tummy aches.

i'm unsure of who i am these days

do you make me forget
or remember?

masterpiece.

work-in-progress.

human.

mistakes.

"­**** near perfect"...

mess.

*"best"...

not a day that went by
did the lull become dull.

every waking moment that passed,
only deepened the ache
that roared within
these weary bones.

every atom
every cell
every heart beat
every inhale
every exhale
and with every fiber
of my being,
do i still want you.

i wanted you then
i want you now

will you want me too?

every moment
every memory
every glance
every touch

you live inside of me now,
from the moment our
souls collided
like the inevitability
of the thrashing navy waves
crashing upon the rocks at shore.

"i had all
and then most of you,
some, and now none of you..."

i find you in the gold sunrises,
i find you in the pink sunsets.

i find you in the california poppies,
and among the ripe sweet figs.

i find you between the branches and rained-on leaves,
park benches and hearts on sleeves.

i find you in the supermarket flowers,
i find you in the browning pages between my fingers . . .

mostly, i find you in the words.
the words between the soft melodies
and heavy harmonies . . .

the songs i used to throw myself into
i consciously avoid,
like a wound you are too afraid to rip
the bandage off too soon in case it hasn't
healed fully . . .

yet it's all i feel i have left of you . . .

darling
you never called me by my name

darling . . .
don't leave me,
not now
not ever . . .

the time,
reckless.
abandoning ship
as it uncontrollably
tears through all
sense and space.

the time . . .
the time we lost,
never saved . . .

time we had,
never made . . .

the time we made,
never had . . .

never paused,
never tamed . . .

not reclaimed,
just replayed . . .

i walk beside him
but i wish it was you

i want to streach out my hand
reach for you
but it's your hand i want
not his

he plays taylor swift
as we drive
but all the songs
only remind me of you

once sweet
now bittersweet
hoping everything
every moment with me
is not bitter to you

in every movie

in every sunset

in every sad love song

in every drive home

in every warm & rainy may sunday evening

every snowflake

every amber fallen leaf

i crave that glimpse of us
your baby blue gingerly meeting mine
and your warm fingers interlaced with mine
as we walked to our picnic bench

the things i avoid
are the only things i have
to catch that glimpse of us

tell me it's not
the only thing that i'll ever have
that's closest to having you

tell me there'll be a day
when you'll love me
the way i love you
only harder than we ever have

the tears i dry
seconds before i walk into work

you said forever
and start with forever
you said you'd propose . . .
one day we'd be one . . .

if this isn't over
why do i still cry when i write

hesitantly indulging
in your favorite songs
just for my fix of us

skyline deep violets
bright golds
vibrant oranges
flush pinks

stars peeking
lights igniting
the evening life

sitting at our picnic bench
knowing you're not here with me
holding back tears.
"i'm with you" vance joy.
people drive by
as i long for any of them to be you . . .
just come sit with me . . .
be with me . . .
be next to me . . .
darling, i used to be


awaiting the day
this could be real,
just like you longed,
just like i dreamed,
just like we hoped

awaiting the day
i no longer need
this glimpse of us
to feel the warmth of us . . .

if you saw the emotion
in my eyes
would you look away?
if you could see what i saw when
they first met yours
would you hate
what still lives there for you?

if my hand reached out to touch you
would you flinch?
if the tips of my fingers
stretched out to graze
your skin
would you pull away?

what i would give
to hear your voice
saying my name
once more...

what i would do
to feel the warmth
of your lips
pressing softly
and passionately
against mine
once more...

if i were to ask,
what would you say? . . .

You said my ideas are
"old school"

I should have known better..
Modern "love"..
Modern relationships..
Modern marriage..

It isn't about
Bonds or trust or honesty or emotion anymore..

It isn't about
Getting to know the other on the deepest levels..connection..chemistry..thoughtfulness anymore..

It isn't about thinking of the other person or considering their needs or how they crave to be loved or taken care of..

It's about selfishness..
It's about not opening up and not expressing emotions..
It's about self service and lust..
It's about looking out for yourself and protecting only yourself..

I suppose I should keep up with the times..

I wasn't trying as hard as I should
For you..
Emotionless
I will try harder to be..
Expressionless
I will try harder to become..
Loveless
I will try my best to be what you want..
I wasn't trying as hard as I should be when I said it..
You never like it when I show how I feel..
You love it when I show you what I feel like..
I wasn't trying as hard as I know I should be
For you..

we will
speak in
songs
and
cursive lines
and
soft looks
from
across the
room
until
i am
no longer
sorry
for
loving
and
until
you know
how you
feel.
until we
both know
how
to say
what we
want...
desire...
need.

i am still
the one
you once
wanted.

you've
always
been
the one
i've
wanted.

but you're
no longer
the one
who
once
wanted me.

ash-free air
fading skyline

melodies of
rich warm
and
harmonies of
deep cool

muted pastels,
peaches and pinks
matching her cheeks

Pluto Projector
Rex Orange County

stargazing
solo

star clusters
galaxies
constellations

bears
archers
scorpions
scales
­
off-balance
head spinning
stomach turning
breath caught
and eyes closed...

she swore the moon
was advancing

whispering
how happy her sun is
with her absence...

you knew
she would
never leave
you

so you
take her
for granted

and take
advantage
of her
forgiveness
and love
she feely
gives
as if
it was
never
going to
go away . .

lowest of lows
you taught her
to live without you.
without your touch.
without your love.
without your hand to help her when she fell..


you came back,
and you made love to her.

making her feel
momentarily
special.

repressing all the times
she needed you most...
when you left her,
and showed her how easily you'd
chosen everyone else
over and over and over
again.


...you came back,
and you made love to her.

reassuring her you
would never leave her
the way she feared.

only to abandon her
once again.

she called you
until she couldn't
stand it anymore.

you ignored her
until she no longer cared.

lowest of lows
you taught her
to live without you.
without your touch.
without your love.
without your hand to help her..

she remembered those
promises you made to her..
every one of them broken.
she remembered
the one where you'd
always be there to help her back up
when she felt she was falling..

she remembered
as a tear came
silently slipping
down her cheek.


you came back,
and you made love to her.

making her feel
momentarily
special.

repressing all the times
she needed you most,
when you left her
and chose everyone else
and yourself
over and over and over
again.

you were always the one she chose.
even after all she went through
just to be with you,
you can't tell her
you no longer want her.
as she blindly no longer knows what she's fighting for...

she never thought she'd have to try this hard
to earn someone's love...attention...affection...
that was once so freely and unconditionally given...


...you came back,
and you made love to her.

reassuring her you
would never leave her
the way she feared.

only to abandon her
once again.