stumbling through a rabbit hole, of never ending time,
the flashes ,
they attack her with an undeserved vengeance filled with an otherworldly hate,
they rip her wall of artificial sanity down within a simple grimace,
so she sits.
and stares
all feeling retreating to that special place called imagination.

all to many dimensions away,
she is laughing,
snorting,
her cheeks hurt so bad from laughing yet she cannot stop,
for that smile never leaves her face,
and the pure innocent happiness deep inside of her,
invades their souls,
she says hello,
she lives.
here in this place.

her plastic smile
quite convincing,
has lied,
to everyone, oh they were all convinced, HA!
what a bad girl she was,
that smile, the one he loved oh so much?
oh dearest naïve boy, It wasn't real
on the contrary my friend my good ole pal,
you were just a blind fool.
why of course with the rest of them.

the eyes, those burning eyes,
seem to never leave her thoughts,
always, thinking that maybe that look was meant for her,
was it to be special or something of the ordinary?
this, this, is where her embarrassment comes in,
where she cannot believe she let a boy,
the boys,
matter to her.

this is where she is that shadow in the corner of his eyes,
where she is his ember inside a forest fire,
where she is a drop of water in an ocean,
where she is the sunlight to his photosynthesis,
where she is his base.
she Is his.
and no longer her own.

why it wasn't real sweetheart.
just a façade you relished in.
just a lie you lived.
the places she hid, the realities she buried,
the truths she regretted,
the feelings she cut away,
the other hers,
the other lies and truths mixed,
efforts at her trying to find a reason, a way, a place to stay.
efforts of her finding the power to say
I am me
not at all an anonymous her.

As I sit here, and listen to their words
spewing out of their mouths
the words that I laugh at
the things It appears that I just brush off

the thoughts inside swirl
rage
inflict their pain upon the flesh they hold most dearly to themselves
inflict their confusion upon thyself instead on the one who has brought these memories up yet again

as they pour out,
the next day arrives all to quickly,
the fear I cover up embeds itself underneath my skin, to sizzle,
and waits for the boiling point to arrive,

the speakers seem to be silent today
maybe this smile inscribed on my face isn't large enough,
maybe the reaction wasn't as genuine as they had hoped for,

I laugh at his ignorance,
at my want for someone near to notice,
someone near to be more than someone I lie to with my entire being,
I laugh at my own capabilities,
embarrassed of my naïve ambitions, to think, to want, to hope for,
their eyes to open someday

oh how good I am, at making this pain, seem so miniscule,
so invisible, to their glazed over eyes,
I laugh how I care so much
and it tears me apart, how their approval, means something to me
it sends a ripple of burning acid down my throat
an imaginary knife slicing me apart, while I'm no where's near numb, I feel every slash
and then I realize this is what I'm here for.

I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
I did it because you were like a mosquito that never got enough blood you would **** the life out of me, and unlike the mosquito I loved you while you did it.
I loved you because whenever I was with you I felt whole, and good enough, and you made me feel again.
but I had to say goodbye.
I had to let myself try to get better on my own.
because I cannot let you heal me, and then leave.
because I knew from the moment my heart felt okay again, that that kind of high would result in a fall,
I wouldn't be able to get up from.
but I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
but it's not helping.
it's oh so much worse.
and they all say its for the best but, no no, what if it's for the worst?
im screaming inside,
my throat is raw,
my voice is no longer here,
it has faded out,
to nothing, like oh so many other things today,
I miss you, so much that I cannot put it into words.
They all said it was for the best, now im a better person.
but you helped,
I could feel okay at some points,
thats worth anything, right?
shouldn't other people who love you want you to be happy?
but, I suppose I agree with them. I suppose being happy at this point would cause my late nights to be more than just pills and a blade.
but, now that he is gone, now that I said goodbye, now that I cannot bring myself to say hello,
I have succumbed to the crash.
and I thought I was bad before but once,
you go somewhere inside of your own head,
where you are the one torturing yourself, and cannot stop,
once that becomes your everything,
and you find someone who made you feel, made your heart flutter,
and then you yourself are the one who gets rid of them, well this is my own fault.
I knew what would happen but somehow thinking, im the one that ended it, it would be better than him saying goodbye?
it is so much worse now.
it is getting to the point where, my smile, my laughter,
aren't covering it,
a point where I truly cannot hold up this façade.
and when people notice, when they say hey, are you okay?
my holy ****,
I drop so much farther down that ******* hole,
I am dragged, pulled to that place where I remember him, and then it is all over from there,
why of course I must escape this ****.

I was infected and now the disease is rampaging through my body.
It has taken it's course.
I am now a carcass.
The invisible vultures, have scavenged my body.
I am now a skeleton.
just like before.
just like our society.
just
like
you.

if I took so many pills would I finally fade away
if I ran would they find me
if I dropped, and cried, and let the watch as my final bits of dust flew away, would they see?
if I tied rocks to my feet and jumped would I be found,
if I tied this rope around my neck, and kicked the chair out from under me, would they feel the desperation in my last gasping breaths? will
I finally
be able to exhale?
if I cut all the way, vertical, would I feel the blood leak out of me?
would I feel as if I had found my freedom, once and for all?
if I dared to whisper a word, before I pulled the trigger,
what would I say?
shall I find out?
shall we?
if you opened your eyes what might you see?

the numbness well it invades my soul, as I sit here and gaze at my two friends laughing, and smiling, and being innocent.
ii feel it creeping under my skin,
clawing it's way back inside,
scavenging for any bits of pieces,
to chew up and throw away,
I can feel it, whispering that your not good enough to be that happy, that you will never be able to view a simple, laugh the same way again.
that the glimpses of happiness through others eyes, will torture you,
that you indeed are not alright,
that your memories will come back.
that this numbness will become you, yet again.
that hey this is better than that other feeling.
that other feeling.
I remember now.
oh yeah, the way it would embody my entire being,
the way I fought it,
the way I gave up to it,
to the blade,
to it's infinite promises.
that other feeling.
oh yeah, I remember now, you let it hurt you,
you let it get to you.
why does their comments matter, who gives a ****?
but what my voices keep saying is that well I do.

and then I realize, I would rather despise every breath, every glimpse, every blink, every heart beat, than be numb.
the numbness, doesn't even subside with a blade,
oh how I wish they could stay like that forever in that, pure, bliss, that nonchalant happiness
that moment in which their identities shine through....
the moment in which you, your breath is taken away, and no you do not want it back, but this time you simply do not want to escape their enchantment.

There is something about crying in the shower.
It soothes my crouching body in warm drops.
Erases my anxiety, makes me connected
To something.
I cant do that with people anymore.
Connect, you know?
****, when you've gone through so many close friends?
You kind of get used to being ready to move on.
Immediately.
My smiles, my made up face, are friendly.
Inside I feel the defense come up that keeps me
From feeling close.
And it feels safe, you know?
That disconnect.
It's just second-nature to me now.

I have a love affair with the coast
the waves rolling in and out of the shore
holding hands side by side
feet digging in the sand
water knocking me down
I have a love affair with the airport
folks saying the hellos and goodbyes
loved ones being shipped out overseas
risk of being the last time they ever saw them
terminal to places unseen before
seemingly paradoxical
I have a love affair with the suburbs
little boxes all the same
parents and two kids, with a dog, all sitting down to dinner no later than 7 pm
stay at home mom, lawyer dad
straight a son, living on the wild side
straight b daughter with a straight edge life
all perfectly content in their own box
I have a love affair with the highway
concrete pavement with the ability to let you go anyway
windows down, wind flowing in your hair
let the time pass by as you pass by field after corn field

new is now old,
my fingers are cold and shaking yet I still grasp at what once was.
it's hard to remember you.
fog-headed, I'll close my eyes to try to see
a piece of the past with clarity
like when your heart would beat for me.

like silence, only the sound of our lips
and the backs of my eyelids painting works of art.
like when your breath would whisper my name
and fill the room with ecstasy.

now only one appendage is flooded for me,
and I only feel you angrily
penetrating with resentment
and a fantasy I can not conceive.

but one day we had love, made love; and this is one memory
that above all else I'll choose to carry
in the hopes that it will re-emerge from the hole that it's been ****** into.
though I'm black and blue,
I won't give up on you
but good lord, I feel like I'm dying...