you sleep alone tonight
the round circles of your arms which normally hold me
closed - for the season
winter has reached this bed

your broad back faces me
a barrier I cannot breach
the muscular companion to that of your guarded heart.
you say,
it is your only heart

you whimper, like a child
a weak protest
I know that what clouds your thoughts in sleep is saturated
the depthless blue of lonliness and pain. you'll never tell.
I want to comfort you, smooth away the dark wrinkles that plague your sleep...
my touch is not welcome consolation

you sleep alone tonight.

I would rather be addicted
To much less poisonous stuff
Something along the lines of
Drugs or violence
But you, never you
I am never okay
With or without you

I am never satisfied
With a simple hello
And an ordinary stare
Will never be an acceptable fix
I cannot see you because
My soul will perpetually suffer
But my heart jumps frantically
At the soothing possibility
Of a once again

And I don’t know why
My body loses its balance
As this craving reaches the limit
And it will not be fulfilled
By the thought of you
And how things once were

I would rather erase
This bittersweet taste
This memory of a high
I used to experience
By being your only source
A source of life and power
By being the sole owner
Of a feeling of completion

I would rather fix myself
If only temporarily
But you keep dragging me
Back to your colorful trap
And so I am never okay
With you I am not fine
And without you
I am equally condemned
Because I need
Your most insignificant reaction
To walk through my day

I would rather not be tempted
By your poison
But you continue to lure me back in
There is no escape for me
Because I will never be okay
With or without you

I am pounding on the walls,
Clawing at my skin.
Make it stop,
Oh god, please.
I can't take it,
It's tearing me apart.

It's silent,
They're in my head.
Telling me what to think,
What to do.
Not myself.
I've ripped apart my flesh,
To please them.
Oh god,
It's happening again.
Help me,
Please.