All that lies within me
this shell of a being
a lonely girl

Trapped in invisible strings
 of self-hate 
and misguidance
only having herself 
as the candle of hope

Lost at sea
it seems every time I let someone in
every time I give my heart
full of hope away
so willingly
yet so blindly
I start all over 
from the beginning

The pain starts to set in
like wildfire
it courses through
my veins like silk

Slowly it eats away 
at my heart
at my sanity

And I lie alone
in the cold darkness
that I call home

Still learning the ropes
of how to survive
how to love myself
and keep my heart protected
while secretly longing for new love
to embrace me as I am

And yet, to guide me through
this treacherous storm
through fields of
lavender and ashes

Staying hopeful
I cling onto what I'd always have
my sense of self
and a heartfelt desire

And ever so slowly
I take another step forward
holding my heart in my hands
longing to be cherished again

Alone but not
when others fail to treat you well
and when you suffer from demons within

You rely on those demons
to come and save you
all over again
a concept I believe
others without demons 
can ever comprehend

Because people can't be trusted
because I'm too ingenuous to see
overly kind and take their side
instead of my own

In my hearts eyes
it's crystal clear 
that I can't always be accepted
who would
but my demons do
so why seek love

Anyone would see me as insane
but I chose to be this way
because I'm done 
burdening others that fall for me
I should be fine on my own

I try to do what I can
to remain resilient
and composed

But deep down
I'm crying
to be seen

To be loved
and embraced
to be valued
and wanted

All I wish
is for that one heart
to collide with mine

And savour all that is
in this world
piece by piece
moment by moment
and never again be forsaken

My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was

I want out
I need out
this plague in my mind

How it takes over all of me
to a point where nothing
else exists of me

I am darkness
I feel nothing
I only sense death 
so close
it's almost comforting

I am so scared to live this life alone
but this is what I get for having 
a mind so corrupted
a soul so lost

I won't always be able to change 
in every way people need me to change

I wish I had the courage to live fully
I wish I had the courage to end it all

Whereas my soul
is smothered in
thick ashes from my past

The only way to move on
is to survive while 
dying to take my final breath