I feel the rush of existance
it once brought me so long ago
I long to feel alive again
to have the fleeting moment of ecstasy

I tap into my soul
it starts to unfold
as I let it take me there

Everything is lost
and yet emotions are strong

As I let my sanity
wander into oblivion
I am sold

I sell myself to all that lies within me-
emptiness, lust, desire, longings
of needing to feel wanted and alive

I slide another blade down my skin
as red pours over me
I let myself feel soothed
and stay in the stillness I call home

I know
without a doubt
that you'll never leave me

She finds herself trapped
as a wave of darkness
swallows her whole

Thoughts of suicide 
thoughts of intimacy 
race through her mind

Nothing can penetrate her 
for she is untouchable
when in darkness

And yet, feeling trapped
within herself
she longs to be touched

She wishes someone
would help her
find her true self
within the solitude solace gives her

That someone is herself
slowly
gradually
she chips herself away

And painstakingly
she emerges from her shell
anew

You took away so much
left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you'd engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell for others to
dig into
to break me down even further

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you

You slated me with your actions and words
I’m still a slave to you

I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself for
wanting to be close to you

You’ll never let me free will you
you’ll have me dead
before I can bring your
unspeakable actions
into the light

Naked and alone
I keep myself here
Where he placed me
So long ago

I'm keeping myself here
Because it feels like it's the
only thing I've ever known
The one thing he silently
taught me through his actions

I can't seem to undo
all that he did
Emotionally and
psychologically
He trapped me
within myself

What will it take for
me to feel free
What will it take for
me to just give in

Why did he have
to hurt me

A  twist in my story
created by an unspeakable act

He touched her
and in an instant
he chipped away a piece of her

Self-blame and self-hate
consumed her entirely

Her whole world was bleeding out
all her hurt and unstable emotions
being able to feel alive was everything to her

And despite fearing touch
she craved it at the same time
still a never-ending struggle

Forever bearing a heavy shadow
of doubt
insecurity
and a lost sense of self

I forgive him
but I can't undo the
damage within me
I can't erase these scars

His actions will
live within me
for as long as I'm alive

My reflection
A timeless masterpiece
Of distortion and ruin

My savior and destroyer
A way to feel present
And alive

A drop of madness
Mixed with salvation

Like ink smeared onto a page
We're fused together
A collage that cant be broken

You take a breathe
Of what i exhale
You become all of me
You savor the emptiness
You plant within my mind

Ever so slowly
It grows
Darker and heavier

With every episode
It takes me away from myself

It steals my heart
And disfigures my thoughts

Every part of me is lost
A wish that could never be fulfilled
Only a star
Bound to implode