A crate of oysters and then some more
Carried by two on the beach
To weary sailors casting their nets
Seizing fishes just within reach
So fun could be had in the bedroom
Between man and his wife
As sailing between choppy waters
Really isn’t much of a life
But oysters solve the problem
Of dullness when away at sea
Slippery and wet strange little things
Will happy a sailors wife be

***** words on colourful cards
Sausages and fruit with a **** core
Humourous lines and ****** remarks
That your parents enjoyed even more
Fathers would stand and laugh out loud
Mothers would smirk and tut
Kids would try to see the joke
That the makers had saucily put
In seaside towns on twisted racks
Rude and crude and funny
Sent back home to the family
At the expense of a little bit of money
Hilarious designs to shock
****** jokes for a laugh
Postcards that men wanted
Amusing but equally just naff

Mothers room backed onto mine
And I could hear her whispering breath
The loud clatter of the breakfast tray
Scared me half to death
Stay in your room shouted father
Don't get in the way
Starved of the love I wanted
My tears covered the bed where I lay
Footsteps up the stairs
And a discussion on the hall
"Thank you for coming doctor"
"She's a little peaky that's all"
Silence for an eternity
Then a creaking of my door
"Your mothers dead Timothy"
"So you can't live here anymore"

Is it so terribly rude of me
To say I couldn’t care
About this royal wedding *******
That’s hanging in the air

The fancy hats and celebrity suits
That flock round the regal brood
Spouting posh words and fancy nothingness
Really put me off my food

Not content with stealing the limelight
Theyve even wangled the sun
Scarcely a drink seen in the palace grounds though
Do they really call that fun

Here’s to Harry and Miss Markel
But sadly I won’t be sharing your day
Cause I’m a gritty moaning northerner
With far to much to say

Oh there is bit of excitement
Elton johns just dropped a *** of money
And a pigeon has flew down and nicked it
Now that is really quite funny

A whistle in the alley way
and high heels clicking on the stone
Succumbing to loathing
In the catacombs
Of a lonely old city

Shouting in the lift
As it careers up the shaft
Corrosive attitude shown
In the metallic box
Operating in a filthy forgotten town

Substances consumed for joy
As they wander perilously
Vitriolic language unrecognised
In the bus shelters
Upright in a cold unabashed eve

Violence penetrating the cobbles
Spouting from drunken filters
Vessels of deranged humans
In the public houses
Loud like thunder in the greyness

I’m tough I’m gruff
A little bit rough
And my name on the street
Is beryl

I’m Great I’m a mate
A little bit late
But the word on the beat
Is I’m mad

I’m young I’m well hung
A little bit tongue
When I speak they say
Please be quiet

I’m a drip with a lip
With pants below my hip
All the girls swoon
When they see my friend

I’m a lover I’m your brother
I fancy your mother
My voice is getting dull
I’m off now see you around

I am the breeze blowing in the night
The sting of a glove that hits in a fight
I am the burn of the strong blistering sun
The disappointment when a enemy has won
I am the cold in the shivering rain
The ache of a weight lifter feeling the strain
I am the darkness at the bottom of the sea
The mental torture of depression running free
I am reality floating around
I am the natural cause
I am a noise making a sound
I am the maker of wars
Have you guessed me
Worked me out
Have you discovered my name
Cause I am God and I am nature
And nobody escapes my game

Mother will you ever really like
My painting of a man riding a bike
Through disappointment, heavy sighs and cruel lies
See the life that I often capture through my eyes
Workers all flowing out of a factory gate
An image that your mind just loves to hate
People that are short but also tall
Or the man lying horizontal on top of a wall
See the children all wild and full of mood
Like ants all collective on decaying food
Mother won’t you just stop and see
I’m a painter an artist that’s just me
White paint stroked over fabric sheets
Under reflections showing desolation on
Salford streets
I am a man who paints what he sees
Like children running around with funny knees
Matchstick men and matchstick cats and dogs
To children on the ***** streets with sparkling clogs
I know I seem a disappointment to you
But when your gone my images the world will finally view
Those funny people, animals and smoke
Were done by me, L S Lowry, the maternal joke

Mad as a hatter
Stupid as a teapot
Trapped in a fools fur

Brain of sand
Thoughts of jelly
Trying to be a man

A grin of insanity
The face of a clown
Nobody knows his name

Walking along humming a tune
Which makes no sense at all
Maybe only to him

But the world needs a loser
People need to be entertained
Cause his antics create a stir

Stir crazy or just barking
Untouched by the sense of the common
But he still has a place on this earth

A canal made by hand
Running through the very heart
Won't forget you

The theatres and the venues
Entertaining when it's raining
Won't forget you

Quiet pubs and loud clubs
Sanctuaries for us all
Won't forget you

Office blocks and the nearby docks
Providing stability and a wage
Won't forget you

Taxis, buses, rickshaws or cycles
Ferrying us around our city
Won't forget you

The shops and the food halls
Giving us so much freedom
Won't forget you

The people we live amongst
Through their thoughts and prayer
Won't forget you

The sea and the sky combine
To form an oil painting in my mind
As the fluffiness of sleep encircles
And traps me to my bed
Through the semi conscious world I wander
Shoeless across surreal plains
Never quite getting to grips
With the surroundings I’m submerged inside
I somehow know it’s not real
Yet it feels like I should be here
The beautiful colours and strange images
Are magical yet misshapen in view

Tired, tried and tested but clearly undigested
All rolled into my life
The noise and the poise
Of a field of irrevelant prose
Blinkered splintered and unnaturally tinkered
Changing perception after time
A movement of a passing train
Mimicks my flowing existence
Rain on my fence thick and dense
Makes the world seem so dull
A gentle stroll and the howling wind
Seems somehow very fulfilling
Crickets buzzing through the thickets
Take me to my child hood lost
Ice cream cold served on a cone
Gives me a shiver of enjoyment
A child of a sinner now a lottery winner
Fills me with a sense of belief

The birds are gracefully singing
A beautifully hypnotic song
On the branches high up outside
In their glorious angelic tongue

Slowly my eyes gently flicker
As the sun pokes it head through
Like it’s delivering a subtle message
Which says good morning from me to you

Time to rise and face the world
With all its challenges and usual mess
But the warmth cocooned in my quilt
Makes me want to even less

It’s Sunday the day of rest
And no urgency enters my brain
So slowly I turn and descend
Into the wilderness of dreams again

The house is so quiet
That I’m forgetting to breath
My blinds are blowing inwards

I can hear ringing in my ears
And a drone of talking outside
The breeze is very beautiful

Music is playing somewhere
Loud and without care
As I sit here typing

A crescendo of surburban bliss
Not caring or not working
I best go to sleep soon

Call my name while you sleep
And I will lend my ear
Talk to me in your dreams
I will hear you loud and clear
Cause I am still around
All your troubles I can see
Yes I do listen to your prayers
So please carry on speaking to me
My body has now gone
Physicality exists no more
But the soul lingers for ever
Of that you can be sure
The chills that you often feel
Or the creaks you hear at night
Its just me dropping by
To let you know that I'm alright
I see happiness on the horizon
It's been cleared from high above
So rest your weary mind
Cause I'm still here with you my love

I walk through the happiness as it falls like rain
Ignoring the sheet of shallowness
A wonderous feeling plays with my brain
Because no more am I waltzing in the hallowness
Many a time I have stood on the edge
And peered into a dark and murky abyss
Then I made myself a cast iron pledge
To only saunter amongst the joy and the bliss
Foolhardy or unrealistic it may appear
Calamitous and dangerous it can often seem
But everyone in this world can stop fear
Stamp on it, clean it up and make it gleam
Let a scream from your lungs ring out
Beat your chest in a defiant fashion
Things that once made you cry and shout
Have been replaced by a peaceful and undying passion

Sit down in the booth if you like
A clergy man pristine in black and white says
Toil and sweat will make a man of you
But confession will make you better yet
Tell me all your trials and tribulations
To sin is to act without care
Not a person upon our lords Earth
Hasn't done something their ashamed of
But God will relieve your burden
Financial, brutal, cruel and disgraced
The clergy will hear it all
A man or a woman will cry or sigh
When they unravel everything into the wood
Be on your way with gods blessing
My son, daughter or child
He has forgiven you for you sins
Now go off into the night and be good

Dance into the moonlight
Make noise with the wine
Flirt seductively with the night
But always leave the door open for me

Mingle joyously through the crowd
Keep your mind away from trouble
And the shadows that begin to shroud
Then leave the door open for me

Your head will get weary and dull
And you limbs will feel lose and weak
Thoughts will creep and pull
Please leave the door open for me

Cause I am the conscience
A logical in a world of mad
I choose to ignore all the nonsense
Always leave the door open for me

I remember being a child
I remember it oh so well
Those frequent little moments
Where life was heaven but often hell

I remember being a child
I remember hill street blues
A theme tune and not much content
Reminds me of sky news

I remember being a child
Watching kids tv
Magic torch’s and button moons
Little treasures that stay with me

I remember being a child
A scouts hut full of wood
Neckerchief and plastic woggles
And knots I never understood

I remember being a child
Talking to my friends
Before adulthood made an entrance
The beginnings of the ends

I remember being a child
Emotion being a toy
I controlled it and made it fun
But now it decides my joy

A crab made from a crisp bag
Saunters precariously across the kerb
The face in the tree branches
Catches my eye
The waving mist from car fumes
Makes the world seem hazy
Reflections on the water
Mirror my mood
Car lights like ants
Flow along the sprawling roads
Ice covers trees like greyness of the aged
Cold and numb to touch
A sun ray shines like the light bulb
That illuminates my study
Darkness covers the sky
Like the secrets behind the cupboard door

I see a tabby cat at the bottom of my garden
And I wonder why it’s there
As the news gets bleaker
And the world gets weaker
I see it and just like to stare

I’ve seen the tabby cat everyday this week
And I wonder why it’s around
While the news is getting me down
And it’s forcing me to frown
It just lies down on the ground

Today I didn’t see the tabby cat
I didn’t see it in the grass
As the world keeps on dying
It was stopping me from crying
That friend I was seeing through my glass

Those sloppy silly eyes
And long gangly arms
That touch the bits they shouldn’t
Then reveal the parts we wouldn’t
Not in public anyway

They mimic our every move
And laugh just like we do
As they swing by their toes
Before slowly picking their nose
Regardless of who is there

Chattering from the trees
Rolling through the leaves
Squatting on the ground
Wildly running round
Madness on a lazy sea

Say hello to Arthur
Tap on the glass to Paul
Do something rude to granny
Spit out your food at Danny
Welcome to the world of chimps

Wild grass rises
Amongst the stinging nettles
Whilst residing in a world
That dances and never settles
And fields that hum so brightly
Of a yellow piercing glow
Like the bees fur as they fly
With their stings out on show
Along farmers fences
The ragged trees twist
Touched by the sunshine
But yet to be kissed
The fertile soil
All ripe and accepting
Like a bride on the altar
Lustful and expecting
Sly foxes roaming around
Cunning and conniving
Out creating trouble
With all their ducking and their diving
Farmers collecting their harvest
Monotonous in their domain
Sat lonely on ***** tractors
Weary of the rain
The rivers rushing frantic
Fishes hiding below
Reeds provide cover
For their fins as they go
Sheep’s baa and cows moo
As they wander aimless along
Wood and metal pen them in
When they sing the country song
On the river bank
Stands the narcissistic old willow
A strong change of wind
Has it weeping into its pillow

Kisses for Judith
Cars for Ken
Paints for Children
Starters for ten
Shoes for ladies
Gadgets for men
Stereotypical
Is life
Until when
Shoes for Arthur
Cars for Grace
Overalls for Martha
Jeremy in lace
Curlers for Brian
Football for June
The world is changing
Under a distant moon
A bodyguard is Debbie
Hairdressing for Steve
Coffee and nibbles
A change to New Year’s Eve
Bus driving for Sarah
Day care fun for Pete
School run for James
Coach driving for Siobhan
Business meeting for Amber
House cleaning for John
Everything has changed these days
We all just muck in as one

Dancing romancing over our drinks
Smiling grinning into a toilet that stinks
Kissing clinching in a quiet spot
Chilling silliness happening quite a lot
Walking slipping along a dim lit street
Laughing holding as unsteady on our feet
Waiting eager for a taxi to come along
Entering settling into home where we both belong

The offices of Moore’s and Booths
Celebrate a hundred years together
Extortion and unholy blackmail
With a reputation for hell and leather
Mr Bartlow is the almighty pariah
Running a criminal show
Twelve of his deadly disciples
Follow wherever he may go
Like leech’s in a river
And mosquitos in the sun
They **** the nations blood dry
Then declare it to be fun

Im pulsating and vibrating
My limbs are hung clumsily to the floor
In the depths of my geriatric science lab
Im watching circles swirling in the door

My skin is bubbling like chip fat
The hairs in my nose have grown long
Flowing down my body like a spaniel locks
Flames are now engulfing my tongue

All muscles are beginning to twitch
Major organs have swelled up inside
I’m like a modern day Dr Jekyll
Trying to contain his Mr Hyde

Why did I drink that potion
I’m viewing lighting bolts in my eye
There must be better ways these days
Of winning a nobel prize

Way down deep
In the lower regions of earth
Lies a very ancient monster
Awaiting its rebirth
It’s skin all jagged and cracked
With teeth all withered and redundant
The lair it’s resides in is disturbed
Making its uprising more abundant
The drills are digging deeper
Smashing through water and ice
Anger is raging inside it
It’s revenge will not be nice
Banished by gods own hands
A demon that polluted the waves
Killing anything put before him
Destruction is the vice that he craves
Boats shake upon the water
Scientific minds with puzzled stares
Fear strikes all the crew men
As it’s them that the beast ensnares
Leave alone my beautiful ocean
Your curiosity has now set me free
Gigantic is it’s form as it rises
Surging out of the deep blue sea
Beware the angry serpent
Stay away from the waters so deep
Turn back while time allows you
And just hope that the monster falls back to sleep

I hear this horrible sound
Like a child shouting
And I wonder where it is

I hear a horrible warble
Hanging in the air
And I wonder what it is

I hear the worst sound imaginable
Soaring through the night
And I wonder why I can hear it

Then I find out what it is
It’s a fox crying
And I wonder why it is
Crying
And then realise
It’s just nature

Dark, murky with a diseased unhealthy look
Watch the face of a bemused greying fisherman
As a grey slimy boot emerges dangling precariously on his long wiry hook

Watch the ball slowly gliding along the goo
All mysterious and completely carefree
Hoofed in by a child’s clumsy ***** shoe

A tyre tangled up in the reeds lair
And one can’t help wondering
What vehicle did it live on and where

Ducks swimming discussing the weather
They quarrel and fight then run along
Squatting lazily underneath trees and broken heather

In the estates and the towns of smoke
Into the water with their sticks
The kids excitedly poke

On a bridge a gent walks his shaggy dog
He watches the grey clouds
That mingle amongst rainy fog

Rippled water like a shirt not ironed and awkwardly creased
And under its depths
Hide ghosts of the past and of the deceased

Blue and in a ball
Just visible in the light
My patterned little feet friends
Have rested for the night

Warm and comfy and enticing
Before becoming spherical and a little curled
They now resemble a colourful grenade
Or the enchanting sight of a chrysalis shielding a butterfly from the world

Not a pleasant odour mind
Full of deceased skin and pungent sweat
These pillars of the fashion community
Are the nicest pair yet

Write me a letter
About your day
Mention all the problems
That stood in your way
Show me I’m human
And it’s not just me
Who has the same worries
Over a cup of tea
An offspring argument
Or a neighbours row
Show me you have the same
And share it with me now
Thank you!

My cat has got a problem
She keeps hiding in my bed
Every time I pull back the covers
Shes cuddled next to ted

My mother says throw her out
But I haven’t got the heart
Especially in the rainy weather
I’m a just a soppy old ****

No I’ll let her creep in
And lie on top of the sheet
My partner isn’t too pleased though
When the cat licks her feet

Darling I’ve left you
My little note reads
That’s a shocker to stumble across
As you place down the keys

Darling I’ve left you
And gone to parts very much unknown
Please don’t bother trying to ring me
I’ve snipped the linecord on the phone

Darling I’ve left you
Your dinners in the dog
The jeans wore for your fancy piece
Are floating in the bog

Darling I’ve left you
Are the crocodile tears coming out
You really thought you’d keep it a secret
Just how much you were putting it about

Darling I’ve left you
The savings account is bone dry
And as for my life insurance
You’ll get f’all when I finally die

Darling I’ve left you
For a woman who doesn’t make me sick
Caring, loving and sexually active
Not like you you arrogant p*k!

He wrote for a second
A line about me
And then changed his mind
The ***** little coward
Sat up cosy in my tree
I glared from my window
At the pen in his hand
I’m just another scandal
To sell a filthy rag
Not an ounce of truth in it
The swine just wants to lie
Then out he goes
Hurts his leg in the fall
I pick up his pad
And eat the page
Before I push him over the wall
The swine just wants to lie

My friend missed his plane
Whilst holidaying in Rome
Stuck in a beautiful sun drenched city
But he just wanted to get home
Back to his job as a barman
Instead of walking the historic streets
Longing for the drone of an engine
And a kid kicking his seat
Maybe it’s because he wasn’t Italian
The language was too fast to understand
Or had he just got bored of pasta
Eat some pizza it fits in your hand
He gets another flight
And sits near the departure gate
I suppose one thing he’s learned though
Is he’s a fool who’s always late

How I long to understand the ocean
And visit it’s many rooms
To see what secrets await me
To find what in the darkness looms
Creatures the size of mountains
Visitors creating their home
From the sky’s outer realms
A civilisation that chooses to roam
Maybe your just dark and empty
Lonely and devoid of life
Waiting to be cut right open
Like a butcher with meat and his knife
Fathoms down deep below
My imagination is running wild
Hidden in your icy waters
Are the ugly and deeply reviled
Rise up and show us your treasures
As I can’t take away the sea
But you can reveal your hand
Especially to curious little me

It’s hot it’s hot
What have you got
Tatty old books
And a flower ***

It’s hot it’s hot
What are you selling
A table of clothes
All dusty and smelling

It’s hot it’s hot
What can I buy
A bouquet of flowers
From a cemetery near by

It’s hot it’s hot
What can I see
Folded out chairs
And couples drinking tea

We found oysters
In slimy crates
Caught by fisherman
And their mates

We found oysters
And stole the lot
In terms of stealing
These were hot

We found oysters
Then shown my dad
He ate about four
To which I’m glad

We found oysters
But they weren’t for me
They smelt of sea salt
Fresh from the sea

We found oysters
Behind the rocks
Left unattended
Without any locks

A tainted world is lived in
Paper masks hide idle lies
Glorious sunshine sifts through clouds
Blinding the weary eyes
Optimism hovers on cold days
Away from naked untouched truth
Elusive intrusive shadowy feelings
Seem so buried yet so aloof
Shout with your loudest voices
Laugh at humour on the air
A fool will make his own sorrows
Enigmatic is the man without care

Entrenched in your arms
I feel cosy and loved
Hypnotised by your charms
I feel blessed and lucky
Listening to your voice
I feel warm and settled
Sharing your thoughts
I feel humble and proud
Embracing your trust
I feel complete thank you

Why are Sunday’s so boring
Why is the world half asleep
Why do I still love the smell of a Sunday dinner
Why are car parks so cheap
Why are shopping centres so empty
Why do supermarkets seem to thrive
Why do church’s get busy
Why is the tv crap on channel five
Why do car boots seem bigger
Why are christenings always on this day
Why did Songs of Praise end
Why did Harry Secombe go away
Why are all the same films shown
Why does the Wimbledon final sometimes run late
Why do kids get Easter eggs
Why do my kids get me up before eight
Why am I moaning more than ever
Why am not alseep and snoring
Why have I wrote this silly poem
Oh thats right, it’s sunday, and it’s boring

I remember being young
When everyone used to talk
People would speak on the roads
And the kids would talk through chalk
I remember being young
The world seemed full of beans
Everyone appeared connected
And we didn’t have social screens
I remember being young
The television was always fun
Comedy was out of this world
Now its an alien to bbc one
I remember being young
Listening to music that made real sense
Non of this beating monotony
That’s has no depth and is completely dense
I remember being young
Watching sports aimed at fans
The general public made it tick
Not suited men with golden hands
I remember being young
When newspapers were classed as a curse
Exclusives were what they claimed
Now the internet reveals it first
I remember being young
We’d get around without a car
Walking was an enjoyable form of exercise
And nobody cared for how long or how far
I remember being young
You could be yourself without fear
Now it’s all image and expense
Which gets worse year after year
I remember being young
It’s sad that the times don’t stay the same
But I still try and keep some nostalgia
Whilst keeping my feet firmly in the game

As the fireworks fly and then they die
The Prosecco erupts in the thin glass cups
And the music plays through drunken sways
We remember 2020

The crappiest of years full of misery and tears
When hospitals swelled and and claps were held
Laptops boomed and people zoomed
We remember 2020

But let’s now move on from this
That misery and stupid bliss
Let’s start in 2021
With sunshine and lots of fun
Just watch the vaccines roll
As they reach their ultimate goal
Of lifting the world
To a place
Of beauty and the upmost of grace

Let’s drink and catch up once again
In the snow in the sun in the rain
And hug like never before
The minute we open the door
Cause for me the world has just begun
In the new year of 2021

Take me if you must
I won’t create a fuss
Let me breath out my chest
Cause since a baby on the breast
You’ve always been taking me anyway

Lead me along those jagged lines
Of empty fields and emotional climbs
As the clocks all chime
Ive known with time
You’ve always been taking me anyway

Let me rest in a place
As you end the chase
Then I listen to the cry’s
When they say their goodbyes
You’ve always been taking me anyway

Dipping and bobbing and caressing the waves
Wriggling like human fish
A sensation my body craves
Cold and wet like a slobbering fool
My skin gets tickled
In the swimming pool
Silent and glorious and totally pain free
Thinking of nothing
Just my brain and me
Lucid and clear and totally aquatic
The frothy deep blue
Makes me feel all ecstatic
Refreshed and clean with confidence brimming
How I love to partake
In a touch of beautiful swimming

Today’s the day
For me to go
Down to the place
Of the puppet show
Where the seagulls fly
Over cragged rocks
And in the distance
A boat docks
The wind whistles
Across the land
Whilst the sand and sea
Takes my hand
A sweet smell of candy floss
Fills my nose
And hotdog ketchup
Reddens my clothes
The children scream
On the looping ride
What a day I’ve having
At the seaside

I dreamt of her last night
A soul whose wisdom held high esteem
She shone like a diamond
And rose like the sun
And now she has infiltrated my dream
I hope her presence will find me
Because her warmth was like the glow of a fire
Through the way she laughed
And the way she guided
Her energy couldn’t be any higher
I watch with sheer anticipation
In the hope that I will feel her near
Through feelings of cold
Or shadows in the night
In the hope that one day her smile will reappear

Thrown and thrown and thrown once again
To the wind
That blows in the heavens
A day in the life of many young searchers
For fame
Waiting to be grasped
Try as they might to catch the stars
In the black bulging space
Their toil will eventually be rewarded
Stride forward fearless on the back of fear
Resisting the failure
That snaps and bites their ankles
Destiny hovers and ducks and weaves
Seemingly impossible
But the strong will catch their dreams